by Brent, Cora
When Jay finally lets himself come he groans, rearing his head back, and I memorize everything about the way his face looks as the spasms shake him. The surge of tenderness within me is made of so many different emotions. I can’t even name them all. This is what other people talk about, what they yearn to find; this fierce, almost instinctive connection with another person.
Jay rolls off to the side so I don’t get crushed and we spend a few moments catching our breath. It’s odd that my next move makes me feel shy after everything that just happened but nonetheless I do feel shy as I reach for his hand.
Our fingers lace together and the room begins to dim with the approach of twilight.
“Can I stay here all night?” I ask and then bite my lip, worrying that I sound foolish. Needy. Ridiculous.
He doesn’t answer with words. He curls his arms around me and buries his face in my neck. As I stroke his sweaty skin and watch the light patterns fade on the wall a tear leaks out of the corner of my eye. It’s possible I’ve never been this happy before.
A short time later when he raises his head to kiss me, he’s clearly ready for more.
That’s okay because so am I.
Jay
She’s sound asleep when I reach for my phone to check the time. It’s a quarter to five in the morning. My alarm is set for fifteen minutes from now and I switch it off to give Caris a few extra minutes of rest.
She needs it after the night we had.
This is what I’ve been resisting since the moment I recognized her on Shane’s back patio. And the instant I touched her last night I knew the battle was over.
I’m not sorry, not even a little bit. Our history is messy, complicated and strange.
Her family.
My family.
Fuck them all.
Maybe they don’t need to matter. Maybe we’re the only ones who matter in this equation.
Inside of me I’ve been holding a steel door closed with all of my strength. It crashed open when our lips met. And the world didn’t end. Far from it. We teased and screwed and played and fucked until the condoms were gone. I was gentle with her and then I was rough, depending on what we both wanted in the moment.
She stirs ever so slightly and my lips brush her bare shoulder in the darkness. Emotions are coursing through me and most of them are unfamiliar, either long buried or never explored. Deep down I’ve known this all long, that if I ever took her in my arms then I wouldn’t have the willpower to let her go.
There are voices in the kitchen. I must have heard them in my sleep. I can’t make out every word but the ones I do hear don’t sound good.
Shane’s voice is tortured and saying, “Baby.”
Lana is distressed, possibly crying. “Have to talk about this,” is the fragment that reaches me, and then, “Love you and I’m afraid.”
There’s a rustling sound and then the opening and closing of a door. Caris continues to sleep. I tuck the covers around her, rise from bed and feel around in my dresser for a pair of shorts to yank on.
I’m quiet when I open the door and as the hallway light bathes her sleeping face my heart flips. She’s so fucking beautiful.
Shane is sitting in the kitchen wearing only a pair of wrinkled suit trousers. His head is in his hands. Lana is nowhere in sight.
“You all right?” I ask him as I plug in the blender and begin removing things from the fridge to make a breakfast smoothie.
He lifts his head and I’m alarmed to see how red and sunken his eyes are. He tries to force a smile. “Yeah. Late night, that’s all.”
I begin cutting up fruit, keeping one eye on him. “You look like you haven’t slept.”
“I haven’t.”
“Why don’t you go get some sleep now? I’m plenty capable of opening the bakery this morning.”
He pauses. “You sure?”
“Absolutely.” I drop cut fruit into the blender before adding juice and ice. “Caris will be there too. We can handle it between the two of us.”
I don’t ask him about the argument with Lana. I have a bad feeling I know what it’s about, especially after Caris mentioned how worried Lana has been. I’m worried too. I know Shane. Something needs to be done soon.
He yawns. “I don’t like the thought of slacking off but for today I think I’ll take you up on that.”
I press the button to the blender. When I switch it off I see that Shane is now watching me with a bemused expression.
“You’ve got someone over,” he says, jerking his head in the direction of my bedroom.
I select a pair of tall glasses from the cabinet. “Maybe.”
“Maybe my ass.” He picks up a random spoon that’s sitting on the table and throws it at me. It clatters to the tile, making a racket.
“Keep it down, jackass.” I flip him off and pour the blender contents into the two glasses.
He just laughs. “Don’t worry. After all the noise you guys made last night, Caris is probably so worn out she won’t wake up so easy.”
I’m in the middle of taking a sip from one of the glasses and I choke. “What?”
He rolls his eyes. “No point in denying it. Did you really think no one noticed how you guys are always looking at each other like you’re two seconds away from boning in public?” He shrugs. “It’s cool. You and Caris. It’s downright disgustingly adorable.”
I set the glass down. “Look, I’ve got to tell you something.”
“What’s up?”
“Caris and I, we already knew each other years ago. When we were kids she spent a summer in my hometown.”
Shane is surprised. “Arcana, right?”
“Yup.”
“Okay, that’s definitely news to me. At least it explains why there was so much bizarre electricity between the two of you.”
“Yeah, that’s not all. Remember how I told you about my grandfather?”
“The murderer. Sure.”
“He killed a young couple. Caris’s grandparents happened to be the young couple.”
“Shit.” He says the word slowly and then shakes his head. “Weird world. What are the odds?”
A question I’ve asked myself a lot lately. I’m not going to ask it anymore. She’s here. She’s in my life. Let the chips fall where they may.
I’m hoping my confession will prompt Shane to share one of his own.
“Where’s Lana?” I ask him carefully.
He shifts his eyes away. “Sleeping.” He stands up, stretches and thumps me on the back. “Look, I’m gonna get some shuteye. Thanks for covering this morning.”
I’m disappointed that he says no more. “No problem.”
I listen to the sound of him shuffling down the hall to his room. Then I take the two glasses and head to mine.
Caris is awake and she’s switched on the bedside lamp. Her knees are pulled up and her glasses are on. When she sees me the look on her face is almost timid.
“Good morning,” she says, the sweetest voice ever.
“Morning.” I raise a glass, close the door with my foot and take a seat on the edge of the bed. “I made you breakfast.”
A smile crosses her face. “Is that one of your fruit smoothies?”
“Sure is.”
She takes a few sips. “It’s good.” She sets the glass down on the table and wraps her arms around her knees once more. It’s cute the way she’s keeping herself modestly covered. After all of last night’s dirty deeds there’s not once inch of her that I haven’t seen or licked or sucked or enjoyed.
She seems to have something on her mind so I silently drink my breakfast and let her sort it out.
“Jay, I wasn’t sure how things would be this morning. With us.” She takes a deep breath. “When I woke up and saw you weren’t here I thought maybe you would just prefer to pretend none of it had happened.”
I set my glass down beside hers. It freaking kills me that she assumed I would give her the cold shoulder after the night we shared but I don’t blame her. I’m the on
e who has rudely brushed her off time and again.
The thought occurs to me that I should have kissed her as soon as I walked in. I lean over and kiss her now. Our mouths are cold from our drinks but kissing has a way of warming things up quickly. I want her again. I don’t believe I will ever quit wanting her. I back up a few inches and trail my finger over her jawline.
“I’ve been such an asshole.”
“Sometimes,” she agrees. She takes my finger and kisses it.
“Caris, I promise you something. I’m not just fucking around for the hell of it. Now that this is where we are I’m all in.”
She has my whole hand now. She places it on her breast. I feel the quick thud of her heart beneath my hand.
“Don’t you dare break this,” she whispers.
“Never.”
Caris throws her arms around my neck and hugs me tight. When I hug her back I can almost hear the sound the rest of of my private walls crumbling. They took so much effort to build. Aside from Shane, there hasn’t been a single consistent person in my life. Caris is worth the risk. If I can’t keep my promise to her then I’ll never be capable of keeping it to anyone.
She rests her head on my shoulder and I know this is totally a touching moment and all but I can’t help getting hard. I’d have no problem falling back into bed and using her body some more. The condoms are finished but there are plenty of creative ways to have fun. And she’d surely enjoy them all. She has so far.
But there’s a bakery to open and a friend to cover for.
I stroke her hair. “We ought to get ready for work. Shane’s not going in until later so it’s just us this morning.”
She nips at my neck. “Should we shower together?”
My dick is all kinds of interested in that idea. I smile.
“You think we’ll make it to the bakery before noon if we do?”
She laughs. “Not a chance.”
We finish our smoothies and then I give her a t-shirt to wear for the extremely short walk back to her apartment. She suggests driving to the bakery together and the way she says it, like she can’t imagine anything more fun, loosens up all kinds of feelings in my chest. Making her happy seems easy.
Half an hour later we’re both showered and dressed and leaving for work together like some suburban married couple. Caris is very bright eyed and talkative. I don’t know how she has so much energy after last night’s endless acrobatics but I give the girl a lot of credit. She points out a bunch of Hutton landmarks on the drive to the bakery and talks about the university. Sunrise is so early this time of year that it’s already bright out.
As I pull into the parking lot she grows suddenly silent. I look over to see her tugging on her ponytail and looking out the window. My hand finds her knee and squeezes.
“Hey.”
Her head turns at the sound of my voice. I lean over to kiss her, intending just a quick peck because we have twenty minutes before we need to open and even though there’s a lot of prepared dough already chilling in the fridge it still needs some oven time.
Caris has other ideas.
She grabs my shirt and escalates the kiss into something rough and passionate. She climbs into my lap, swinging one leg over to straddle me and now the last thing on my mind is baking cupcakes. I pull her shirt up, run my hands all over her skin and sneak my fingers beneath her bra.
“You feel so good,” she moans, grinding her hips in a way that’s pure fucking torture. “It drives me crazy.”
My fingers find the snap of her jeans and then slide the zipper open. I don’t give a shit that there’s not a single condom left in my possession or that it’s light out and boning in the front seat isn’t something that wins anyone a good citizenship award.
Apparently my self control is negotiable where she’s concerned.
The crunching sound of tires over asphalt causes Caris to freeze. She spots a beige sedan with a white-haired occupant pulling in three spaces down and rolls off me, tucking in her shirt with a red face while I break into laughter.
“What’s so funny?” She glares at me, which is adorable.
“You’re such a good girl.”
“I don’t want to get arrested.”
“That’s why I’m laughing. Because you think you’ll get arrested.”
“Oh yeah?” She tightens her ponytail and looks me over shrewdly. “Take your dick out.”
“What?”
“Your dick. Take it out of your pants.”
I have no issue with following her instructions. I unzip and stroke myself in front of her.
“Now what?”
She flashes a sweet smile and leans in to whisper in my ear. “Get ready. Because I’m going to suck you off so hard you’ll never dare call me a good girl again.”
“Fuck.” My hands grip the steering wheel.
“HELLO!”
The old man in the sedan has trundled over here with a walking stick, which he uses to tap on the window.
“I NEED SIX LEMON SCONES!”
He’s nearly screaming. He appears to take no notice of my exposed dick and hastily I push it back into my pants.
Caris is cracking up beside me.
“You’re gonna make good on that threat later,” I vow.
“LEMON SCONES!”
“If you’re lucky,” Caris giggles and hops out of the truck.
She waits for me to join her outside. The old man is limping to the bakery door. He’s still muttering about lemon scones but at a much lower decibel.
Caris is still laughing. She grabs my hand as we walk to the door. It’s a simple, affectionate gesture.
And in a heartbeat it causes the past to fold into the present in a way that manages to make me uneasy.
Caris, Age 13
“That’s creepy as hell,” Johnny says.
He kicks a loose rock and regards me with a worried frown.
“Tell me about it. He stood there outside my door for twenty minutes last night. I could see his shadow. Finally I switched on the light and he disappeared. Then I locked the bedroom door.”
“Did you tell your aunt?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
Because I feel weird about telling Aunt Vay that her boyfriend was lurking outside my bedroom for the second time in a week.
“I don’t know,” I sigh. “Let’s talk about something else.”
Johnny is still bothered but he agrees to move on to a different topic. He says his brother Rafe has been stealing things out of people’s houses.
“Not things he could use or sell,” Johnny says. “Just random shit. He stole framed pictures and dinner plates and even some kid’s stuffed bunny rabbit. I think he just likes to break in and be able to say he took something. Mostly he sets it on fire in a big metal drum right outside the park.”
We mull over the weirdness of this development. Johnny thinks it’s only a matter of time before Rafe gets into real trouble. This worries him. I guess even if you don’t like your brother you don’t want to see him in handcuffs.
I take his hand and carefully lace my fingers through his. We’ve started doing that sometimes, holding hands. It began the day he took me to the mall and bought me a hamburger and fries. I felt very mature ordering food and sitting at a table with him. It was the closest thing to a real date I’d ever had. And later, when we walked around the mall, I finally had the courage to reach for his hand. It felt far better than kissing some grubby boy at a basement party just because everyone expected you to. Holding Johnny’s hand gave me butterflies and I was so happy when he didn’t pull away. Twice since then he’s been the one to reach for my hand and I like that even more. We don’t talk about it. It’s just something we do.
We get some snacks and sodas from the market and sneak them into the movie theater because the food there is way too expensive. The superhero movie isn’t playing anymore. Instead there’s a movie about kids who can see ghosts. Shortly after the movie begins I wish we hadn’t chosen it because the
girl in the movie keeps seeing the ghost of her grandmother. I don’t want ghosts to exist. I don’t want to think of my own grandmother sadly floating around the grassy field where her life ended.
Johnny can sense that I don’t want to watch this. He nudges me.
“Do you want to go?” he whispers and I nod.
When we’re outside Johnny says, “I’m glad you wanted to leave. That movie sucked.”
The movie didn’t really suck but I like him even more for saying that. He reaches for my hand this time and I forget all about ghosts.
We visit the elementary school playground and share the chips and sodas. Johnny finds a small lizard and lets it crawl up his arm and onto his shoulder. He keeps it there for a while, like a pirate would keep a bird. He admitted to me once that he doesn’t have many friends at school and I know that’s just because they don’t understand how awesome he is. The kids at his school must be a pack of idiots. I wish he went to my school instead.
I’m not happy to see the time has come for me to go back to Aunt Vay’s house. Every day I dislike being there even more. Whenever I ask my dad when I can come home he promises the day will be here soon. Johnny is the only thing that makes this summer in Arcana bearable.
He holds my hand again until we reach the town square, where we always part ways. I know he watches me to make sure I get safely to the corner of Dunstan Street. Tomorrow we’ll meet here in the same place at nine in the morning. Every day when I wake up in my mother’s frozen-in-time bedroom I can’t wait to get out of there.
I’m not happy to see that Aunt Vay’s boyfriend has invited himself for dinner. Gary has been around more and more lately. The only time he’s ever laid a hand on me was that day we collided by the side door. He stares at me all the time, though. He’s always remarking to Aunt Vay that I look so very much like Suzanne and this makes Aunt Vay smile because she loves my mother so much. She doesn’t notice when he stares at me with hooded eyes and I always feel the urge to cross my arms over my chest even though there’s hardly anything there. I don’t even really need a bra yet.
