Fraser stared, mesmerised and hardly able to believe it.
‘I just got out of hospital,’ Claudia continued as she put the child in the crook of her arm. ‘I’m thrilled of course, but for goodness sake, I don’t know how to look after a baby. I mean, you don’t even have to qualify to take one home. You can’t adopt a cat without being checked out. If your body knows how to grow him and get him born, why can’t your brain download all the other stuff you need at the same time?’ A look of uncertainty filled her eyes, and she was silent for a moment. ‘To tell you the truth, Fraser, I shouldn’t say this to you at this stage, but I’m so scared. I’m supposed to nurture him, teach him things and keep him safe. I have to make decisions about jabs and inoculations and scary stuff like that. Look at him, he’s so little and vulnerable, and I don’t know if I can do all those things. I wish…’ She reached out her free hand. ‘I wish you could hold my hand right now, wish I could feel your fingers closing around mine. I’m being ridiculous I know, but I’ve never needed anybody so much as I need you now.’
‘Claudia, dear God, don’t tell me that,’ Fraser whispered.
Claudia went quiet for a moment, and then she suddenly snapped out of her doleful moment and smiled. ‘But isn’t he fabulous, Fraser? Aren’t you proud of him?’
‘Oh, God, yes,’ Fraser said, as if she was actually standing there, talking to him. ‘At least now you know I am.’
She held the child close. ‘I don’t regret this for one second. I wouldn’t have missed that night with you. I thought that, just once, I could be close to you and then go back to hiding how I really felt.’ She thought a moment and then said, ‘Was it so bad to let my guard down just once? Did you have to be so remorseful about it? Leave me that note?’ She frowned and shook her head. ‘I’m really sorry but…’ She drew a long breath and composed herself. ‘I really do need to get over you. Even if I contacted you, I could never have you. And I can’t live with a broken heart forever. I’ll let you know about him, as soon as I feel tough enough to run the gauntlet again. I’ll try, I really will try. But first, I have to let you go.’ Her throat seemed to tighten, and she uttered, ‘Goodnight my long, lost lover…goodnight.’
The screen went dark. Fraser searched for another file, another message, but there was nothing. He had never felt so much emotional conflict. He was boiling with frustration, his chest felt as though it would burst. All he could think of was that hand reaching out to him, but it was beyond his reach, locked in technology and time. His chance to be there was gone, frittered away while he indulged in a reckless affair with Paloma Cardini. He could have had it all, a wonderful woman who needed him, even loved him. All he had to do was turn up at the park, one Wednesday lunch time, when the daffodils were in bloom.
He packed Justin’s papers and albums back in the case, hastily threw a few things into a go-bag and left his apartment.
Chapter Sixteen
Claudia was about to leave the house when her landline rang, it was Eliot.
‘Todd hasn’t turned up this morning,’ he said. ‘If we don’t get the place emptied, before we go to Italy, the decorators can’t move in while we’re away. The whole schedule’s going to hell. We’ve only got a couple of weeks… Did he say anything to you yesterday?’
‘No, but don’t worry, Eliot, I think he’s got an audition. I know he’s been rehearsing a new piece, I’ve heard it so often I’ve learnt it myself.’
Eliot sighed in exasperation. ‘I hope he’s better at acting than he is at this job. Sorry to bother you, Claudia. I’ll get somebody else in.’
Claudia was anxious to leave, she had a very busy day planned. Justin was already with Molly, so she was good to go. As she left the house, Fraser was just pulling up on her drive. He seemed in a hurry as he got out of the car and approached her.
‘Hold on, Claudia, I need to talk to you.’
‘What’s the matter? I wasn’t expecting you back for another couple of days. There was no need to rush, Justin’s fine now.’
‘I came back late last night. I had to see you.’ He seized her and pulled her into a tight embrace, his arms were clamped so tightly around her, she could hardly breathe. ‘I needed to hold you,’ he uttered against her ear. Then he released her.
‘What’s wrong?’ Claudia peered at his pale, tense face, his tired eyes and said, ‘You don’t look so good.’
‘Can we talk?’
‘Now? I need to leave. I have a very tight schedule today.’ She took a small notebook from her bag, flipped the pages and then peered at it. ‘I’m going to a craft supplier in Bowbury, but if they don’t have what I need, I’ll have to go further afield. Then I’m off to meet somebody about some hand-spun yarn. It’s a place called…Roughingmount.’
‘You can’t find anywhere nearer than that?’
‘I don’t know this region, and there’s no time to keep searching. I found this place so I’m going. I haven’t a clue where it is. It could be in Middle Earth for all I know.’
Fraser looked at the notebook. His tension eased as he took control. ‘It’s pronounced Rowmont, and it could well be Middle Earth, quite a long drive from here. You can’t possibly go in your own car, and don’t even think of protesting.’ He wouldn’t hear of Claudia attempting the gradients and the rugged terrain, of Roughingmount, in her small vehicle. ‘You should take this one.’
‘I can’t take your car.’
‘It’s not mine, it’s one of Tony’s pool cars. And if he were here, he would insist too. You can drop me off at Larchwood.’ Claudia began to protest, but he pressed the ignition key into her hand and added, ‘I’ll be here for Justin. Don’t start rushing from place to place, take your time. Just concentrate on what you have to do.’
‘Fraser, I know how to―’
‘You’ve never been there, don’t underestimate the conditions.’ He fixed his eyes on hers as if to thrust home his advice. ‘Maybe I should drive―’
‘For goodness sake!’ A cold wind induced Claudia to hug her short jacket across her chest. Grey and purple clouds loomed above, warning of heavy rain. It wasn’t going to be a very pleasant trip. ‘Anything else,’ Claudia said, ‘or can I go now?’
Fraser’s tension returned, and it unnerved Claudia. She still half-expected him to challenge her about custody, and moments like this made her suspicious. Considering he had something pressing on his mind, he was taking his time, and the wind was already undoing her efforts to groom her hair.
At last Fraser spoke. ‘Justin’s case…’
‘What about it?’
‘I found your video diary among some papers. It fell out when I was going through them.’
‘Fell out?’ Claudia frowned. ‘But I put it in an envelope and taped it to the album, it’s marked very clearly.’
‘It was loose, it fell out,’ Fraser insisted.
Claudia groaned as she realised what had happened. ‘You weren’t supposed to have that one, it wasn’t edited, it was a mess. Please tell me you didn’t watch it all,’ she said ruefully.
‘Of course I did―every second of it.’
‘I went to a lot of trouble to cut out all those ridiculous…hormonal tears.’
‘They’re not ridiculous,’ Fraser snapped, and then held up his hands in a silent apology. He looked grave and showed no signs of relaxing. ‘That’s why I need to talk it over with you.’
‘Why? We need to move forward not backwards. That’s all in the past now.’
‘In your past, maybe, but not in mine.’ Fraser looked into her eyes. ‘That frightened woman in the diary needed me.’
‘She got over it…moved on.’
‘She hasn’t moved on, she’s still there reaching her hand out to me, trapped in some kind of computerised time warp where I can’t reach her.’
Claudia could see how the video had upset him, and she felt guilty for her carelessness, and that she should help him get past it. ‘I didn’t feel all that doubt just because you weren’t there, all mothers go thro
ugh it. I still need you now, Fraser, we have to make proper arrangements for Justin. My life’s in limbo and I have to get hold of it.’ She glanced at her watch. ‘Fraser, I really do have to go.’
‘Just a couple more minutes―please. I have a proposition to put to you.’ Suddenly words came out of Fraser’s mouth that shocked Claudia into silence, and all she could do was stare as he continued. ‘What could be better than both of us under one roof?’ He reasoned. ‘No passing backwards and forwards to different homes. No daddy days and mummy days, just one family together. Our son will be raised by married parents,’ he concluded decisively.
Claudia could see that he didn’t expect to be turned down. She stared in disbelief. ‘That’s not a proposition, Fraser, it’s a proposal.’ The picture he presented was a dream that Claudia never believed possible, but it wasn’t a proposal from a man full of love for a woman, it was a practical solution from a man who wanted to be a good father and take hold of that needy hand that reached out to him on the video. She wished that he would just pick two or three weekdays to spend with Justin, work out an amicable agreement for Christmas and holidays, like everybody else. Then they could all learn to live with that. She felt a pang of irony in her heart. There was a time when this would have been an exciting idea. But it wasn’t welcome today. ‘We don’t need to be married,’ she told him firmly. ‘Children cope with this situation all the time.’
‘Yes, when it’s the only solution. But Justin doesn’t have to cope, he can have us both.’
‘You respect and admire me, you could probably enjoy spending nights with me, and you’re even in love with your son.’ She looked straight into his eyes and said, ‘But you’re not in love with me…are you? You never have been.’ The words almost choked her. ‘The main thing is that we remain friends and not become competitive or bitter. Surely this is what we’re supposed to be discussing not hypothetical ideas of marriage.’
Fraser put his hands on her shoulders. ‘It’s not hypothetical,’ he protested, ‘I’m very serious.’
She remained strong, but her heart still felt the pain of knowing that even if they were married, she couldn’t truly have him, not all of him―nobody could. ‘My life isn’t a defunct factory to be salvaged, Fraser. You’re basing your proposal on your need to be there, for Justin, and to help you come to terms with the fact that you can’t change the past. I’m not Paloma Cardini or Natalie. I’m five foot seven, I wear a tatty, old lab coat for work, and deep down I’m still a feisty little tearaway who has more kick-off buttons than most women. How can you possibly see yourself tied to me in marriage?’
‘I don’t see it as being tied. We can do this,’ Fraser insisted, ‘we can build on what we have.’ He clasped her hand. ‘At least think about it.’
Fraser’s eyes seemed to plead with her, they were soft and suddenly full of warmth, and she was tempted to agree as the love she once felt threatened to flood back into her soul. Her heart was telling her that it could work, he might even fall in-love with her, but her head said that they would probably break up eventually. Then Justin would be the one to pay. She dragged herself from the grip of temptation. After all this was presented as an agreement, not a proposal for a happy marriage. That’s all it was, a deal.
‘I’ll think about it,’ she told him so that she could get away. ‘But you must remember that I have issues to settle with my mother. And I just don’t seem to be able to find the time to work it out. And please don’t start talking about lawyers again, I have to find another way.’
‘But why won’t you accept that you’ve got the law on your side, she can’t just―’
‘She can!’ Claudia’s patience snapped, ‘Don’t you dare underestimate what I’m up against.’
‘It’s not like you to be so…’ He stopped suddenly.
‘Go on, Fraser, say it… Obsessed? Paranoid?’ Claudia was becoming angry at his patronising attitude towards something that was potentially very damaging. ‘Is that what you were going to say?’
‘Let me help you?’ Fraser pleaded.
Claudia turned from him and stared at the hillside. The wind whipped at the heather, and the clouds were tinted with purple.
‘Claudia?’ Fraser prompted and stood close to her.
‘You really must try and understand what kind of person my mother is. People like her are very clever at what they do. You can’t nail them down. When I was four, not much older than Stephanie, I made a film. I played a little Russian princess. You saw the picture in the magazine. A dialogue coach taught me the Russian lines. She was nice―kind. It was fun, just a game. But when it came to filming it in the studio, it was a different game, and I didn’t want to do it anymore. I suppose it was the activity, lights, people rushing around. My mother swung into action and said she’d arranged to have my new kitten taken away. She would get him back when I’d done the filming―like a good girl.’
‘But that was just a bluff, surely.’
‘No, you see, that’s what the kitten was for―why she got it in the first place. It was to give me a weakness that she could tap, something she could use to make me co-operate. As soon as I finished my last series of the ranch, as it came to be called, I threatened to leave and live with my grannie so I could give up working and go to school. Mother said that if I did, she’d sell my horse. I called her bluff.’
‘And did she?’
‘Of course she did. Losing my horse was the price of my freedom.’ She turned to him and could see the confusion and disbelief in his eyes.
‘But you broke away,’ Fraser reasoned, ‘you were brave enough to face the consequences. What can she do now? You don’t have a kitten or a pony anymore.’
‘No, but I do have a baby. He’s my new weakness now, don’t you see that?’
‘You can’t be serious, she wouldn’t use him.’
‘She would, and she will if I don’t sort it all out first. Somebody will have contacted her after seeing the spread in the magazine. Goodness knows what they might have told her. By now she could have her greedy hands full of ammunition to weaken me. If she finds out about Justin…’
‘She won’t hurt him, I promise you.’
Claudia shook her head wearily. ‘By the time you know where she’s coming from, it’ll be too late. You won’t be able to do a thing about it. All your lawyers and advisers put together won’t scare her one jot. She’ll think of something. Probably try and discredit me. Report me to the social services. Suggest that I’m unstable, and all those years as a child star have taken their toll.’ She shrugged her shoulders. ‘I wouldn’t be the first, would I? I’d be a risk, an unfit mother.’
‘She can’t prove that.’
‘No, but they’ll check it out, and during that time, I wouldn’t be allowed to take care of Justin or even be with him alone. Social services don’t rush these things. I called her bluff over my horse, but can you see me doing the same with Justin? She’ll win, get the diaries and walk off as squeaky clean as a new pin. Then she’ll make her trashy movie out of Alyona’s life. My promise, to my granny, will be on my conscience for the rest of mine.’ She gulped down the tension in her throat. ‘Of course, she might go straight for you, first. In that case, I’ll still lose because I won’t let her hurt you either.’ Her heart sank when she saw that Fraser was still struggling to understand the gravity of her situation.
‘Then, are the diaries worth it?’
‘Excuse me?’ Claudia bit back. ‘Fifteen years ago, you joined your father’s company out of sheer loyalty. You didn’t want it. You slogged to keep it alive and then turned it into an empire, far removed from what he started. Now he’s living his dream, making wine in Tuscany. Look what Tony did for Larchwood, saved it from crumbling into the ground.’
‘Where’s all this leading, Claudia?’
‘When the Galliers and Franklyns in the world go to great lengths to be loyal and protect family and property, it’s looked on as noble and admirable. But when I do it, I’m paranoid, overreacting and m
isguided. I’m supposed to hand over my family treasure, whatever the cost, then marry you to make things simple.’ They both stood in silence, having reached some kind of stalemate. Claudia then said softly, ‘I hate to fight, and I certainly can’t fight two of you. I have to go.’ She walked towards the car. ‘By the way, it’s Justin’s birthday the day after tomorrow.’
‘Yes, I noticed from the papers.’
‘Could you ask Tony and Lizzy if he could celebrate it here with Stephanie and Eddy? His only nursery friends are in London.’
‘Sure, let’s have a great party. I’ll get Stella to do a cake.’
‘Brilliant. Are you going to drive to Larchwood, or shall I?’
Chapter Seventeen
As Fraser had returned unexpectedly, he and Tony decided to take a day to reflect on the situation, at Wainford, talk over one or two issues. They had coffee at the hotel, but work wasn’t the first item on the agenda.
Tony was hard-pressed to gulp down his sip of coffee before the surprise caused him to gasp, ‘You proposed?’
‘Yes, this morning, before she left. If we were married, it would be so much better than raising Justin in two separate homes.’
Tony leaned his arms on the table and stared at his cousin. ‘Is that how you proposed, with a domestic arrangement? You say she’s special, important, valued, all those things, but I don’t hear the word love mentioned.’
‘Of course I… She’s always been very special.’ He paused for want of the right words to explain himself. ‘It’s a confused kind of feeling.’
‘That’s because the rules used to be simple―no marriage, no kids, no long-term commitment… The best they could hope for was monogamy while the relationship lasted. Why don’t you just admit that you’re in love with her and ask her properly?’
‘What?’
‘You’re afraid of her, because you’re just as crazy in love with her as I am with Lizzy. So you keep your real feelings hidden behind this friendship, that’s so bloody important to you.’
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