by Lola West
At least half of the thrivers play instruments, and we all dance and sing, so even though it was a cold night, everyone kept warm and made merry for quite a while. As the night dwindled on, it was mostly the younger generation still being festive under the stars. Raina, Isaac, Joe, and I were sitting on a stone wall that was off to the side of the fire pit. Joe and I had helped build the wall when we were twelve.
Raina had a couple of glasses of wine and the drinks heightened her blunt and totally nosy, but also strangely endearing personality. At that particular moment, she was busy drilling Joe for info on the thrive.
“Okay, so this looks like paradise, but it must get sticky sometimes, right?” she asked.
Joe, who is always Joe, laughed and snarked back, “Is that some kind of lewd sexual innuendo?”
Even in the flicker of the firelight, I could see Raina blush. “Shit, oh my God.” She laughed and covered her mouth with her hand. Once she got it together again, she very seriously said, “No. Totally not insinuating anything of that kind of sticky takes place.”
Joe scoffed at her. “Of course that kind of sticky takes place, both of the innuendo sort and not. We are a community of one hundred and ninety-seven people; sometimes there’s juicy. How could there not be?”
I smacked him on the arm. “You make us sound salacious. Stop it.”
He clarified, “Sometimes we are, but not like the outside world thinks. We’re just salacious like everyone else.”
“What does that mean? Like, are you saying even thrivers have kinks?” Isaac asked.
“If by kinks you mean some of us are weirdos, sexually or otherwise. Then yes, of course we do. And scandals too.” He popped his eyebrows a couple of times like Groucho Marks at Raina.
Raina leaned in. “Like what, Joe? What’s the skinny on these folks?”
Joe, always the town crier, subtly pointed toward a set of girls laughing on the other side of the fire. “Those two, Sarah and Jean, sisters, different fathers, only Sarah’s mom was married to Sarah’s dad when Jean was conceived and still is. The sticky is that Jean’s dad still lives here too. Needless to say, those two dudes don’t sit at the same table.”
Raina wiggled her eyebrows, but it wasn’t much of a reaction. “That the best you got?” she asked.
“I mean, pretty much. Like I said, same issues as you regular folk. I’m pansexual.” Joe winked seductively at Raina. He’d been flirting with her since she arrived. “Does that get you going?”
Isaac scoffed. “Oh, come on, isn’t anyone besides me just plain old gay anymore?”
I laughed.
Raina was serious and focused on Joe. “Do you get shit for that? I mean isn’t that what people expect from a community like the thrive… variant sexuality.”
Joe rolled his eyes at her. “Variant sexuality, really?”
Rania clarified, “I’m not knocking you. I’m just pointing out that the assumption about a community like the thrive is either you’re a cult or you’re all fucking each other, right? So, being pansexual, am I right in assuming your definition of pansexual is attracted to personalities, not gender or genitals?”
Joe nodded and smiled. He was attracted to Raina. I could tell by the level of patience he had for this line of questioning. Thinking of them together made me smile. Raina continued. “Being pansexual puts you closer to people’s biases about a place like the thrive. That has to be hard.”
Joe swallowed. It was hard. It had always been hard for him since we ventured out of the thrive into the mainstream. Joe was silly, boisterous, charismatic, and theatrical. He also often read as feminine to mainstreamers and their assumption was that he was gay. I mean from a mainstream perspective, what turned Joe on didn’t make any sense. Joe liked people. He fell for people. When he first explained it to me, he said that it was like he fell in lust or love with smiles or faces not tits or dicks. Over time I came to understand that Joe is turned on by insides. Outsides spark him just like the rest of us, but it’s a person’s personality that ignites him. Mainstream ideology didn’t get that, like not at all, because in the mainstream so much focus is on bodies, what they look like, how they perform, who sees them, who wants them. I mean people talk about being beautiful on the inside, but the culture doesn’t affirm the importance of inner beauty at all.
Joe responded soberly, “Yeah, that’s some complicated shit for me.” Rather than marinate in his own discomfort, Joe segued by throwing me under the bus. “See that guy over there with the long hair?” He pointed at Lucas, who was alone, his head resting on the back of an Adirondack chair, eyes closed. “That’s Lua’s first love.”
Raina perked up again, peering around the fire. “Oooh, which one?”
“That one.” He pointed again. “The buff guy with the long hair, sleeping in the chair.”
Isaac, who had also peered through the flames, piped up, “You sure do have a thing for manly men, don’t you, Lua?”
Panic flooded my chest. Even though Isaac and I had never discussed Drew, it had been clear that Isaac knew our relationship was… layered, but this was the first time he acknowledged it out loud. I didn’t say anything. I just hoped his subtle nod to Drew went over Raina’s head. But it didn’t.
Raina turned to me. “Wait a minute. Hold the train. Isaac, what manly man had caught Lua’s eye, other than that snoring one over there?”
It was a slip; Isaac didn’t mean to expose anything, and now he was a deer in headlights. “Um… I mean… I just know that’s her type.”
Raina wasn’t buying it. “Oh my God.” She turned to me, excited. “This secret totally turns me on. What do I not know dirty-secret-keeping, oh-so-innocent Lua?” She wiggled her eyebrows like she had earlier. She was silly and bright, friendly and kind. This was nosy Raina at her best, just wanting to be part of my secret in a way that was rowdy but full of love. But I couldn’t give her that.
“Nothing. It’s nothing.”
“Come on,” she whined, wriggling and bouncing in her seat like a child who had to go potty. “Isaac knows. Tell me, Lua. Who’s your mystery lov-a?”
“It’s really no one, Raina. Let it go.”
Joe, suddenly terse, burst out, “This is ridiculous. It’s Drew, Raina. Lua and Drew are fucking madly in love and they torture each other.”
My jaw fell open and tears pricked my eyes. How could Joe do that to me? I couldn’t believe it. I popped off the wall and started to run. I heard Joe follow and holler behind me, “I got it. Wait here. We’ll be back.”
I ran fast and hard in the direction of the lake. It was dark and cold, so dark that I couldn’t even see my own feet. I knew the earth of the thrive like I knew my own skin, so I wasn’t scared or lost. Joe was on my tail the whole time. He could have caught me. He was always the better runner, but he lingered behind. Eventually, at the top of the hill just before the woods, I got tired and stopped. I just stood there facing the trees, huffing puffs of warm breath into the icy night sky. Then I put my face in my hands and started to cry.
Joe came up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling my back tight against his chest. My body racked with sobs and he just held me. When I finally started to quiet, he softly said, “I’m sorry I told Raina your secret, Lu. But you can’t go back to Hamilton buried under this heartbreak with no one to talk to. You need them and they care about you.”
I turned so that my face crushed into his chest. I was so ashamed. That’s why I didn’t tell anyone. I felt silly and foolish. I kept getting all twisted up with Drew when I knew there was no chance he and I could work. All I could say to Joe was, “I’m embarrassed.”
“Stop it,” he said forcefully. “Love is love, right? We can’t control it.”
Was it love? That was the second time Joe called my feelings for Drew love. I had never given it that title and I wasn’t ready to.
“I don’t love him, Joe,” I insisted.
“Whatever you say, cakes,” he placated.
I ignored him. I wasn’t
in love with Drew. I was infatuated. I was in lust for sure, but love was longer than my feelings for Drew. Love was a lifetime. Love was a commitment to stay, to not run. All Drew and I did was run. That wasn’t love. But I knew there was no fighting with Joe. I didn’t even want to fight with Joe. He really got away with an awful lot because I loved Joe. Not like sexy love, just the full-time never gonna leave you, gonna stand by you even when you suck kinda love.
I hugged him tighter. “I love you, Joe.”
“Tell me somthin’ I don’t know.”
We stayed like that until the fear crept under my skin all over again. “They’re going to think I’m an idiot for getting involved with him.”
“No, they’re not.”
“They should.”
“But they don’t. Isaac already knew and Raina, well, she’s rad.”
I smiled. Raina was rad. I turned so I was looking up at him. “You like her,” I taunted.
“I have hormones. She’s sexy as fuck. Also, whip-smart and funny.” He pulled me close again. “Can we go back now? I’m freezing my nuts off.”
I laughed, and then we turned and headed back toward the fire holding hands.
When we were about halfway back, we heard a commotion to our left.
“Ow, crap!” It was Raina. “We should have waited like Joe said. We are going to fucking die out here. They are going to find our frozen corpses in the morning.”
“No one is dying. We can still see the fire. You’re so dramatic.” Isaac laughed at her. “You wanna go back?”
Joe and I headed toward them, quietly giggling to ourselves.
“No! I have to find her. I feel terrible.” My eyes were well adjusted to the dark and I could see her sitting on the ground where she must have tripped.
I started talking as we approached, “Why? You didn’t do anything.”
“Oh, Lua.” She jumped up and ran toward me, throwing her arms around my neck. Her hug was tight and genuine. “I’m just so nosy. And your business is your business. Also, I scheduled you two together. And admittedly, deep down I knew that wasn’t cool. I mean after that whole debacle in the summer, but it just lined up and…”
I defended her from herself. “You didn’t know, Raina. I didn’t tell you.” There was a pause, and then I said, “It wasn’t all bad.”
“See,” Joe said, throwing his hands in the air. “They torture each other. They’re like Tom and Jerry.”
“Did you just compare my very real, very emotional heartbreak to a cartoon cat and mouse?” I sarcastically pouted.
“Sure did.” Joe smiled. No shame whatsoever.
“He’s really hot,” Raina said.
“So hot,” Isaac added.
“You have no idea,” I said without thinking. And then we were all laughing.
We headed back toward the fire. Raina put her arm around my waist. Joe kept holding my hand, and Isaac walked beside Raina.
“Some more s’mores?” Isaac asked when we could feel our toes again.
“Oh, totally,” Joe echoed. “I mean what goes better with heartache than chocolate, am I right?”
Raina and I confirmed that we agreed but sat down in the Adirondacks closest to the fire and let the boys gather the s’mores supplies.
After a bit of quiet, Raina said, “You know Drew’s different than he was in September.”
I turned to look at her. But I didn’t say anything.
Raina continued. “He’s been doing things for S.A.F.E. for months. Helping us raise money. Making inroads with organizations that we usually struggle to connect to.”
I didn’t know that. He didn’t tell me that.
“He also stayed on as part of the staff in the spring.”
I turned my gaze back and the fire crackled in front of me, flickering peaks of red-hot orange insistently beating against the dark night. It wasn’t enough. Supporting S.A.F.E. didn’t put us on the same side.
I stopped her. “Don’t tell me. Just do me a favor and don’t schedule me with him again, okay?”
She nodded. “Got it.” Then she reached out and held my hand. “I’m glad we’re friends, Lua.”
I was too.
Part III
Spring
33
Drew
“Dude, I’m not trying to fuck with you. I just don’t get it.” Pete was on me for the bagillionth time since the holidays about still working for S.A.F.E., even though my mandated punishment was over. He was sitting on my bed in my room at our frat house, bordering on belligerent because there was some party he wanted to go to, and he wanted me to join him, but I had a night shift at S.A.F.E. This was not the first altercation of this nature that we’d gotten into since winter break because Raina, clearly looking to test the limits of my loyalty, had assigned me to Friday overnights. Lua still worked Tuesdays.
I was sitting at my desk with my back to Pete, working on a paper for my Econ class. I came back from winter break a man on a mission. I didn’t want to be the senator’s son anymore—obviously not literally. I was fucked in that reality. But just because I was his son didn’t mean I needed to be what he wanted me to be, and the only way I could ever hope to have anything, any connection with Lua was to be something more than my shit father’s son. So, I was working on that. I had thrown myself into school and my work at S.A.F.E. because I wanted to be better, to do better. And a couple of months went by and it felt good. I felt good.
Well, sort of. I missed Lua. I missed her laughter and her sass. I missed her insight and her indignation. I missed her silly songs and smell of her hair. And I missed her fucking mouth. And her skin, and the feeling that she was mine. My breath caught anytime I thought I might catch a glimpse of her. I saw her from time to time, at a S.A.F.E. event, in the library, in the cafeteria where I literally went just hoping to see her, because Lord knows before this semester, I’d never fucking set foot in that shithole. The food is terrible. Awful. I mean every day they set out cottage cheese in these little porcelain cups. Who besides grandmas eats cottage cheese?
Anyway, Lua was cordial in front of other people. But she never really made eye contact. And if she was alone, she just kept moving. I could see it though, that I was still there, lingering on her skin, in her mind. I still had my grip on her heart. It wasn’t pretty; it was fucking withered and sallow and shit, a sick cancerous clench that she couldn’t escape. And because I’m still a selfish fuck, I wanted to kiss the ground every time I caught a glimpse of her continued heartache. Because I loved her, and I wanted her to still love me and want me again. The only way I could make that happen was to be worthy of her. If she had taught me anything, Lua taught me that being worthy of her meant being authentic, being true to who I was and what I wanted. And I wanted to be better. I wasn’t sure that I’d ever be like her, but there was a better fucking version of me. I was sure of it and the first time I ever caught sight of it was working at S.A.F.E., so I was going to keep doing that.
I took a deep breath and swiveled in my chair so I was facing Pete. “You don’t have to get it, but it’s not complicated, dude. I like it there.”
“That’s what I don’t get, man. You just fucking sit there all night when you could be out with us. It’s almost insulting.” He was laying it on thick, as usual.
I didn’t feel like arguing with him at all. He’d been at my throat constantly for the last week because I’d recently informed him that I wasn’t going to join him on his dad’s boat for spring break. Getting blackout drunk, surrounded by anonymous tits and ass, and waking up to Katie handing me a cup of coffee, just wasn’t my bag anymore. I cracked my neck left, then right. “Okay, let’s try this again. Pete, you’re my best friend, man. And I don’t make sense to you right now. I get that. But I’m fucking happy, man, so can you just give me a break?”
“No.”
“What do you mean, no? What the fuck, dude?”
Suddenly Pete was yelling. “I mean no. I mean no, asshole. I know you’ve turned over this new leaf or whatever the
fuck, but if I’m still your best friend than you need to fucking explain yourself because I’m feeling pretty fucking deserted, you fuck.”
Well, fuck. He was pacing manically in front of my bed and raking his hands through his hair. This was legit. This wasn’t just Pete wanting me to go to some party. This was Pete, fucking lost without me, and to be honest, I didn’t really know that was a thing that could happen. Another thing about me knowing Lua, was that my shit, like all my emotions, were girlishly close to the surface. Fuck gender norms. Let me rephrase, my emotions were easily assessed. Watching Pete freak out about our friendship had me insanely close to tears. It was a real bro moment.
I stood up, walked over to him, and put my hand on his shoulder. “Dude, you can chill out. I’m here.”
Pete turned and fucking hugged me. Then he backed away from the whole thing quick, like I was on fire, and said, “Shit, I just…”
I interrupted him. “You don’t have to explain. Our lives are fucked up. There aren’t a whole lot of things we can count on. I’m one of those things for you and this new me is fuckin’ with you.”
He looked ready to cry and curtly nodded his head.
“You don’t have to worry, man. I’m a better version of me now. And while I may be sitting on my ass answering the phone at S.A.F.E., if you called and were in trouble, I’d fucking set S.A.F.E. on fire if it meant I could get to you faster.”
Somewhat satisfied, he dropped back down on the end of my bed and then fell backwards so that he was lying down, but his feet were on the floor. “You fucking took on the senator, dude.”
I crossed back to my desk chair. “Yep. Sure did. Motherfucker hasn’t said a word to me since.”
