by ChaShiree M.
I walked the steps, despite my gut telling me to go back and not walk into every John Hughes cliched movie. There are red plastic cups everywhere and big tin barrels all over the place. If my reading was correct, those are called beer bongs or kegs or something. Looking to my left, I saw people in various stages of making out and girls half dressed. A game of beer pong and anything else you might find in a frat movie. Can you say, ‘Animal House’?
Deciding to walk further in, despite the fact my feet felt like lead and saying, ‘Turn around and leave’. I was making my way over to a corner when a guy stood in front of me with a wide smile and two cups in his hands.
“Hey. Welcome to Alpha Omega Psi house. My name is Brent. What’s yours?”
I looked around me for the better part of a minute because I knew somewhere there was a camera recording this for kicks or something. Right? I mean no one had ever come up to me before. When I finally started to feel like maybe this was real and after all I was in college, I looked at him and whispered, “Lydia. My name is Lydia.”
“Well Lydia. As the official welcome committee, I come bearing gifts.” He said to me as he offered me one of the drinks. Although I had no intentions of drinking it I took it, so I wouldn’t appear disinterested and held onto it. Taking a second to look at him as he looked past me to greet some others that had come, I had to admit that he was cute in a James Van Der Beek sort of way. He was wearing a polo shirt, some loafers, and his hair was cut down to the nape of his neck. He smiled a bit too wide for me, almost like he was hiding something but overall, I had found him appealing. When he finally turned his attention back to me, I put my head down.
“So, Lydia, tell me about yourself.” I raised my head and eyebrows simultaneously. What the hell would I say? I had nothing to tell. At least nothing he wanted to hear.
“Not much to tell. I am from a town called LaGrange Park, IL and I am a freshman.”
“That’s it gorgeous? Surely you have something else to say. What about a boyfriend? You got one of those? Surely you do, right? A pretty little thing like you.”
I could feel my face heating up though I knew he was just being polite. I began to shake a bit because I felt wholly overwhelmed by all the attention. I was ready to go and made to leave when he lifted my chin and said, “Shy one huh? I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. Come on. Hang with me for a bit.”
With that he put his arm around me and walked the party, smiling and talking to everyone like he was some sort of celebrity. In truth, everything had felt ok. I had begun to relax a bit, when suddenly the hair on the back of my neck stood up.
You ever get a feeling that someone is watching you or that something just brushed against you, but you turn to see, and no one is there? It was like that. Except, when I turned there was a beautiful girl standing in my face glaring at me.
“Who the fuck are you? Brent, who the fuck is this fat bitch? I didn’t realize you ate Pork.”
That was a new one. I pulled against his arm trying to extricate myself from him, but he had a death grip on me. I didn’t want any part of it. That is how the drama starts. I don’t do drama. At least none that I created.
“Alicia don’t be such a bitch. This is my new friend Lydia.” I felt almost sick at that moment, because what he said with the smirk that slid across his face, was eerie.
“Besides, you said we were through. So, I can do as I please with whom I please.”
It wasn’t until that exact moment, when I looked around and realized that everyone was watching this playout like some soap opera. Feeling something bad was coming, I managed to pull myself from him. When I went to walk away, I felt this tug in my scalp causing me to cry out. I was yanked backward and when I hit the floor, she was standing over me. I curled into a ball fully expecting her to kick me since I was down.
“I’d would watch myself if I were you. You don’t want to cross me. Stay away from him. Cow.”
And with that, she spat on me and walked away. Looking around me, people were staring at me with looks of pity on their faces. As usual, no one offered to help me up, stood up for me, or anything. Also, not surprising, Brent was nowhere to be seen. Keeping my head down and no eye contact, I got up off the floor with my ass sore as hell, walked out the front door, and went back the way I came. I refused to cry the whole way back. The minute I reached my room and remembered that I was going to be in there alone, I opened the door, locked it, and fell on the bed in tears.
I should have known, right? How in the hell did I manage to convince myself that college would be different? Not even here 24 hours and already I am back to where I left.
I have no idea how long I laid there picturing what it would be like to not have to be burdened with this life anymore. I could go right now. At peace and no one would care. I worked out different scenarios in my head. I could hang myself, but usually those ended up with the people dead, yes? But with urine and feces sliding down their legs as the body no longer can hold itself. Nope not for me.
I could slit my wrist, but I hate the sight of blood. This went on for I have no idea how long. But the ending conclusion was who the hell cares, as long I wasn't there anymore. That thought was so depressing. I rolled over and cried into my pillow wishing I was worthy of something. Anything. If it didn’t hurt.
When I pulled myself together, I called Macy and was further forlorn when she didn’t answer.
‘Well Lydia, this is your life. Alone. Get used to it.’
Right then my stomach started to growl, but there was no way I was going to walk back out those doors. Maybe I could just starve myself to death. Maybe this time it would work.
Invisibility Cloak
The unfortunate incident at the party or that is what Macy called it, set the stage for how the next few months went as far as my master plan to reinvent myself. Because, I simply went back to being invisible. I went to class, ate, and stayed in my room. A few times it felt as if someone was watching me. It caused fear to rise in my throat, because all I kept picturing was that awful girl and her friends cornering me somewhere and doing serious harm to me. But it never happened. The feeling though, never went away either.
Before I knew it, a month of school had passed, and it suddenly dawned on me I had talked to Macy only a handful of times during that period. Oh, it wasn’t that I hadn’t been calling her incessantly or anything. It's more that she always seemed to be busy or unavailable. And when we did talk, she was distant. I kept asking her what happened or if she needed me to come home, but she would change the subject and talk about something else. I couldn’t figure it out, but there was nothing I could do.
One night, I had no choice but to leave my sanctuary. I had an English paper due and needed to go to the library to find the newspaper article I needed to finish it. As I was walking across the Quad towards the building, I heard what I thought was a scream. Stopping dead in my tracks, I look around trying to find the source of the sound but couldn’t find where it was coming from.
Trekking on, I got about ¾ of the way to the building, there was quite a bit of commotion coming towards me. In a swarm of activity and noise, the grassy area was suddenly filled with a hoard of students carrying speakers, beer, and a bunch of other things. As they make their way through the quad, I am knocked left and right then back and forth as if I am not even there. I remember thinking in my mind, “Huh. Guess my invisibility cloak worked more than I wish it did.’
That was the never-ending joke between Macy and me. See, we were both Harry Potter groupies and when the invisibility cloak became a thing, we both jumped all over that. How awesome would it be to be able to choose when you are seen and when you are not? We used to pretend throughout the school day that we had one on and walked through the halls as if no one could see us. That is until someone would shove one of us into a locker or trip one of us walking down the hall.
As I got knocked forward and fell to my knees, I can’t help but lament that maybe the cloak is not such a good idea a
fter all. I could barely make my way to standing up because the crowd just kept coming. Suddenly I was lifted off the ground like I weighed no more than a cloud and set on my feet. The tingling that went through me as those mysterious hands touched me made no sense. It literally lasted all a second, but I swear it was long enough for me to sniff him.
The smell of sweat and sandalwood wafted through my nostrils and the tingles turned into a shiver. I had never smelled someone so manly before. Wanting to see the face of this mystery person, I smoothed my hair down and turned around to get my bearings. I wanted to thank whoever it was, but they were gone and as I looked around I noticed so was everyone else.
I was once again alone. So why did it feel worse this time?
It should have been me
The week started off pretty good. Classes had been going great, aside from the fact that the horrid girl from the party was in two of them. Luckily enough I manage to avoid her. I haven't made any friends and I hadn’t expected too at this point. Especially since in two weeks Macy would be here and all would be good in my world.
I never found the smell good guy, which is just as well. If I did see him, what would I say? But the feeling of being watched hasn’t gone away either. I have ruled out Alicia, horrid party girl. If it was her, she had, more than ample time to do something and she hasn’t. So, what or who was it?
I mentioned it to Macy and she sort of blew me off. I don’t know what had gotten into her by that point. She was not the same and it worried me. What if our friendship was only strong because we were together all the time? What if this distance had changed it. somehow? What would I do?
When Wednesday came, which was the day I used to go see my therapist. She was on vacation that week, so instead I went back to my room to study for a stupid math test and hoping to find a book to read for the rest of the day.
When I make it back to my room, I decide to call Macy first. I want to make sure she made it on to the platform to confirm her classes. We are going to have three classes together. So, freaking awesome. As the phone rings, I think about all the stuff I want to do the weekend she comes that I have not had the courage to do by myself.
“Hello.” Oh!! Macy mom answers the phone. That’s weird. She never answers Macy’s line.
“Hi Mrs. Callum. It’s Lydia. Is Macy home?” Something about her voice sounds strange. Then it dawns on me about the same time her dad grabs the phone that her mom is crying.
“Lydia. I don’t know how to tell you this, but Macy committed suicide last night. Her mother and I came into her room this morning and found her hanging from the ceiling.”
My ears have stopped working. My first thought was that I have gone deaf and the noise around me has been replaced by some type of computer spitting out typo after typo.
“I’m sorry. What did you say?”
“Macy is dead, sweetie. I am so sorry.”
I know he just said something important to me and I should be reacting to it. But all my head can comprehend is static. I don't know when I hung up the phone. Or when I opened the door. Hell, I can’t even tell you when I walked out of the dorm room. Everything…...EVERYTHING is black and filled with fog. I don’t know why I stopped, when I did. All I can remember is that the feeling started in my toes. They became numb and then began to tingle like when your foot falls asleep. That feeling wafted its way up my legs past my knees and thighs. It wasn’t until it reached my stomach that I began to register the pain. My knees buckled below me, and I caved.
“Maaaaaaaaccccccyyyyyyyyyy……. why? Why would you leave me here alone? MACY COME BACK!!!!! I CAN’T DO THIS WITHOUT YOU!!!!!! PLEASE MACY. OH GOD!! NO NOT YOU. IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ME!!!!!!!! I DON'T DESERVE TO BE HERE…...WHY??? WHY???” Who knows how long I stood there yelling at nothing, while on my knee. It felt like forever and no time at all, all at once. But I clearly remember when my vision wasn’t as ridden with tears, I saw my out.
Apparently, I had walked to the bridge a few blocks from campus. The bridge overlooks a highway overpass. With one jump, I could end it all. It felt like fate. My one tie to this cruel world has left me and without her, I have no reason to be here anymore. The fates have brought me to this very bridge to finally find some peace. No need to talk myself into it. I walked over to the bridge and climbed on top of it. Strange as it may sound, I remember feeling as if all my memories were being pulled from my mind and all being replaced with visions of water, trees, birds, and all things beautiful and calming. I knew then that this was the right choice.
I posed my leg and braced myself, when I felt light like air and began to float towards the ground. Only, it wasn’t because I jumped. No. It was that smell again. Sandalwood and sweat. For a second, I am glad to not be dead, because that smell is so…. I don’t know but it calls to me somehow. Then I remember why I was about to jump, and I turn into the hardest chest I have felt...well to be fair I haven't felt any….and began to scream and slam my fist into him.
Not Her
I first saw her the day of orientation. She stood outside the door taking breaths like she was about to enter a war zone or something. In a way, I guess she would be right. I am already a senior, but something about her propelled me to go into the orientation as well. I sat in the back of the class and just watched her. She took notes so intently and never once did her attention stray from the class. When I saw her outside, my feet halted. It was literally like for a split second, the world tilted on its axis and all I could see was her.
There was nothing spectacular about her. I don't mean it in a mean way, only to say that nothing about her would stand out to someone else who is not me. But, when I saw her, I saw my whole future flash before my eyes. She was like a beacon of light, though I could see the darkness within her. She wasn’t any taller than 5’1’’ with a body built for a pinup calendar. The fact that I had yet to see her eyes has me a bit panicked; because until she looks me in the eye, I won’t have the connection I crave with this dark, light creature.
That night, I followed her to the party because I was so worried about her state of mind. An angel such as this one should not be somewhere like that. Those people don’t deserve to be surround with her aura. A fact I am sure was lost on her. My plan was to go into the party and immediately put my arm around her, so that the fucking horny ass mediocre assholes, inside would know to back the hell off. By the time I made it there, the phone call I had been dreading came through and I had to leave my Angel to the wolves alone.
Walking away from that party hurt in ways you would never know. Not only because I wanted to be able to finally connect with her, but also because I knew she would retreat further into herself after the experience. Thus, making it harder for me to reach her. But I knew she would be worth it.
The following day, I heard the whispers about a “fat chick getting her ass kicked” by some anorexic bitch named Alicia. Deep in my gut, I knew they were talking about her. I felt the lowest of the low knowing that it could have been prevented. I spent the rest of the day worried about her and wishing we had classes together. Just so I could really watch and protect her against the idiots of the world.
I did that as much as possible. Of course, I couldn’t every waking hour, but I did often. The night in the quad when she was knocked to the ground I picked her up and though she couldn't see my face, holding her in my arms felt like home. I took a split second to inhale her sweet scent and etched it into my heart, where the rest of her went and then I fled into the night. I don’t know why I didn’t take the chance to introduce myself, other than to say I feared her rejecting me due to her obvious deference to anyone else. So instead, I chose to remain in the shadows.
For over a month I went to class, to work, and followed my Angel around. I had her routine down to a science, so at any given moment I knew where to find her. Except tonight. I just happened to be walking past her dorm, knowing she was in for the night, on my way to the gym to work out when I saw her walking out of the door with this far away, haunted look in
her eyes. My heart began to beat in a staccato that felt as if it was going to breach my skin at any moment. I could feel in my bones that something life changing had just happened to her, but I didn't want to startle her either.
So, I walked behind her to make sure she didn’t come to harm in her dissociative state. When she stopped at the bridge initially I was confused. But then she fell to her knees and began to yell and scream at nothing and everything. My heart was breaking for her and I wanted to put my arms around her. Tell her it was going to be ok and she was not alone, because I would never leave her. I waited with bated breath and I waited. I didn’t want to spook her or to stifle her grief, but I also didn’t want to give her the space to do something rash.
Almost as soon as the thought left my mind, I saw her climb on the ledge and any thought of space or rejection left my mind. I ran over to her as fast as I could. To be honest, she was so determined I barely made it. When I made it over to her, her foot was in the air poised to drop. I wrapped my arms around her waist and hoisted her to the ground. For a second, she did nothing, but almost immediately she began to flail her arms and legs. When I turned her into my body, so I could cradle her and try to calm her down, she beat her fists against my chest crying and screaming the word why, repeatedly.
I have no idea how long we stayed in that dark desolate place, but after some time she began to move about almost sleepily. I released some of my hold on her and her head leaned back to look at me.
I am not clear on what I thought she was going to say, but it wasn’t what came out of her mouth.
