by ChaShiree M.
That’s a lie. It’s because he makes me feel something else entirely, just by being in his presence. It takes me a second to identify the feeling, because it is something I have never felt. But I am more than sure the feeling is maybe...something like hope.
More than a second chance
Shit. Sitting there listening to her talk about herself as if she has already checked out, is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. It is there next to burying my whole entire family. Those two days about killed me. Especially, when we buried Claudette. I carry so much guilt about what happened to her.
Truth. It may be what drove my initial infatuation with my, Angel. I saw the dimming of her light in the way she walked. How she wouldn’t ever make eye contact with anyone, engage in conversation, or even stop for a second to check in to the world around her. Seeing all of that once again right in front of me, I couldn’t walk away and let it happen again. Not when I have been given more than a second chance to do something about it. Only now though, it’s my future I must save.
“Angel. It pisses me off to hear you say things like that about yourself. You are not weak, invisible, or any other insipid thing you can think of to call yourself. You were just never given the necessary tool or tools to deal with a world that doesn’t appreciate you.”
“Oh yea. And what tool might that be?”
“Love. Angel. The most basic tool everyone who lives and breathes should have access too. Especially from the very people who birthed them. Love. That equips you with the strength to handle anything, because you have something to come back too.”
I can tell by the way she is staring at me mouth agape, that she didn't expect me to say that and she has no comeback for it. I get it. Most people would find that surprising. But it is the truth. Love is the thing that teaches us to feel wanted, whole, compassion, and safe. Without that basic thing, you miss out on the other named components. Luckily for me, I had love. And so, did my sister. But she also had a whole other complicated issue.
“Now Angel. Come and sit with me and let’s talk.”
I patiently wait for her to come to sit beside me and like I expect, she sits on the far side of the sofa. I know I should leave it alone for now, but my father used to always say, “Son. In life, you have to start as you mean to finish” and he was of course correct. So instead of letting her stay where she is, I get up from my spot, and walk down to hers. I lift her under her leg and back and plop my ass in the spot I just lifted her from and sit her on my lap. The guppy looks of hers is growing on me. But it is also giving me ideas.
“Angel. Close your mouth before I am forced to…. fuck it.”
And with those last two uttered words, as slowly as possible to give her a chance to stop me. Though I am not sure I can if I tried, I put my mouth to hers and I swear I can hear the bells from...shit I don’t know where, but I can hear chimes in my head.
She has the softest mouth I have ever kissed. When I wrap my hand around the back of her neck, so I can angle her better, she gasps. It gives me the opening I need to stick my tongue in her mouth.
Holy hell the sweetness. Not to mention the inexperience I can sense from her. It is more than obvious she has never been kissed before and that makes this moment all the better, but also harder. I know she has been through a lot in the past day and more, and I need to take it slow. Give her a chance to think clearly, before I take us to where we are going to be. Together. In every sense of the word. But first….
Ripping my mouth from hers, she moans a bit at the loss and with her eyes still closed, lips puckered and pink like she is waiting for me to come back to them and panting like she just ran a marathon. She is the single most erotically and sensually innocent creature I have ever seen.
“Damn Angel. I shouldn’t have done that. I know you are vulnerable right now and I shouldn’t have taken advantage. I’m sorry. Can you forgive me?”
She puts her fingers to her lips, as if making sure they are still there and nods her head.
“Thank you. I promise to put your needs first from now on.” I say as I kiss her head.
“Which brings me to this talk. Obviously, considering what happened last night and the news of your friend, shook you. But I also gathered from hearing you speak, that you have no one now that you have lost her. Is that accurate?”
She nods again.
“So, what I propose is that you move in here. With me.”
She looks stunned. She doesn’t move, say anything, protest, or agree. It's like she is lost in translation.
“Angel. Did you hear me? You should move in here.”
“Um. Why?”
I contemplate for a second telling her the no holds barred truth. Because I am in love with you. Have been for the past few months. I don’t want to sleep anymore with you somewhere else. Plus, I don’t trust you to not try to kill yourself again. You know. That truth. But, I can see that not going over too well. So, I go for the secondary truth.
“Because even though we don’t know each other well, deep down you know you can trust me. I know you don’t want to room with some bitch ass girl you don’t know, this year. I have plenty of space here for you. Then, neither of us will be alone anymore. You have somewhere safe to live and I have another car you use to go from here to campus. You would get your room and board money back to use as a savings for yourself, to buy whatever you wanted, or needed, because I know you wouldn’t let me buy you anything and we would both win. What do you think?”
I chuckle a bit, because she is leaning away from me like I am certifiable or something. And the truth is, I might be. But only for her. I would like nothing more than to take care of her for the rest of her life and I plan to do just that. But I need to get her there slowly.
“Why are you willing to do this for me? You hardly know me.”
“The truth Angel. Or at least the only truth you are ready for…. because your torn baby. Somehow you have been torn apart and I want to stitch you back together. Maybe in doing so, you can stitch me too.”
My confession throws her. It throws me too that I said it out loud, but it is true. She can put me back together as well.
She stares into my eyes, searching, digging, and trying to see into the part of me that I have kept buried for so long. A part of me wants her to find something. Anything, that tells her who I am. Maybe save me the pain of having to relive it.
I know when she has finished on her quest, because she nods her head slightly. In a move that shocks the shit out of me, she leans in and chastely kisses my lips.
“Ok Luke. I would like that.”
Holy shit!!!! I seriously didn’t think she would say yes. I had this whole speech prepared and even some handcuffs. What? I am not above dirty tactics to get what I want.
“That's good Angel. So why don’t we go back to your dorm, grab your stuff, and then you can talk to the financial aid office tomorrow. Sound good?”
“Sounds good.”
Needles and thread
It has been a little over a month since Luke and I made our arrangement. I could lie and say it has been easy, that I miraculously changed, and everything is fine. I could have pretended that. But the truth is, it was hard. The first two weeks were like an itching feeling under my skin. Kind of like, tiny spiders were crawling under the surface. It was unnerving at first, because I couldn’t figure out why my body was so anxious. But then one day it hit me. I haven't been alone long to think about ending it and my body or mind, whichever you want to call it is going through some sort of withdrawal.
What is even more unsettling is that Luke seems to be in tune to exactly what I am going through, because he always knows the next right time to distract me with a movie night, going out to dinner, or even a slow burning make out session. Yes. We have been making out. It feels so foreign and yet so right.
Whenever his hands touch me in anyway, albeit sexual or otherwise I go up in flames and I love it.
The feelings I am having an issue with, are the fee
lings of a needle and thread going in and out of my body.
There are moments when I feel the sadness creeping in and trying to takeover. In those moments I am trying to be so strong not just for me, but also for Luke. I can sense the darkness and sadness inside of him as well. It is in those moments when I feel as if I am being pierced with a needle all over my body. Like the darkness is trying to poke holes in me, so it can seep inside and takeover. But as I said, whenever Luke is around he and he alone can close those holes and pull them back together. He seems to have an invisible piece of thread attached to me for that sole purpose.
That has been the hardest part of all of this. It is navigating my feelings and trying to figure it all out.
What I do know for sure is that I have never felt safer and slept more sound. Wrapped in his arms. He spoils me constantly and that is something I will never get used to.
“Hey Angel. How was your day?” He asks as he hugs and kisses me. Something else I hope to never get used to. The constant affection he gives. All the time.
“It was good. I had two papers due so busy. I cannot wait for winter break. What are you doing home so early?” As soon as I ask the question he gives me his ‘he has a secret’ face.
“Well if you must know, all I had today was my internship and now I am home to take you out on a date.”
“Wait. What?”
“You heard me baby. We are going out on a date. Tonight.”
I knew this was going to come, eventually. But somehow, I thought I would be more prepared. I am in no way ready for this. I…. I look a mess. I didn't go get pretty or anything beforehand. Not that I would even know how. And my public skills are horrible. All I will do is embarrass him and I would die before I did that to him.
“Luke, I don’t think….”
“That’s right Angel. Don't think. Go upstairs, put on that grey and pink floral dress we got you for your honors banquet last week and wedges as well. No makeup or perfume. Just brush that beautiful wild hair out and bring that sexy ass back downstairs.”
He kisses my head and smacks my butt in a motion to move and my feet find their wings.
“Oh, and my hair is not wild bossy pants. It's always fine until you run your hands through it.” I giggle as I run upstairs.
I grab the dress out of the closet and change all my undergarments. He made me buy some lacy stuff when we went shopping last week and I have yet to wear any of them, but tonight seems like a good night.
Macy would have loved to get to that store with me last night……. Oh Mace, why? We were supposed to do all of this together. We were supposed to be the pillars for each other. Now here I am finding some semblance of happiness and every time I do, I feel guilty as all hell about it, because you are not experiencing it with me.
I love you so much Macy. But I hate you too.
I allow myself to cry for a few minutes. Then I shake it out as best I can and continue getting dressed. I won’t ruin this night for Luke. Even if I feel less enthused about it. All he has done and continues to do for me even, when I protest when he wants to go out and have a good time, I will show up. No matter how I feel.
With that mantra in my head, I continue getting dressed and when I finally can fake a smile on my face I walk downstairs and almost drop to floor. He is the most stunning man I have ever seen. Standing before me at the bottom of the stairs, dressed in a sport coat, and slacks with his shirt partially unbuttoned is the man that stars in plenty of my dream right now. I feel so privileged to be seen with me tonight.
“No Angel. You have that backwards. It is I who am the privileged one.”
My cheeks turn into roses I am sure. I can’t believe I said that out loud.
“Come on gorgeous. The night is young. Let’s go.”
We walked out to the car hand in hand which is something we do anytime we go anywhere together, and I really look forward to it. Just the connection to someone else is something I crave.
Ok, ok. I crave him. All of him and anyway I can get him. Each time we have one of those off the charts make out sessions, I find myself molesting him. Almost trying to make him take it further and every time he won’t it is so freaking frustrating that I end up in the bathroom trying to make it happen for myself. But I can’t bring myself to touch myself and then I stomp out of the bathroom pouty and stampy. He always laughs at me and says, “in due time Angel. Your almost ready. Just giving you a little more time to grieve.” and when he says that I swoon of course, and all is forgiven.
“So where are we going?”
“Well, the other day you said there was a ballet in town you wish you could see. So, I looked it up, got the tickets, and voila.”
Is he serious? Oh my God. If I didn’t already love him with everything I am, this would have done it.
“Are you serious? Luke. Oh my God. I don’t know what to say. What will I ever do to repay you for all of this? I can never give you a fraction of what you have given me.”
I lay my head onto his chest and cry the tears that have been threatening to appear ever since the first week I moved in with him. It turns out I walked into a whole new wardrobe and every Apple product that he could get his hands on. I cry for the little girl that feels like a princess every day. I cry for the love I am not sure he will feel for me like I do for him. And I cry for my friend who should be enjoying this life with me. I feel his arms come around me and I squeeze myself into him harder. If he never bought me anything else, just feeling this secure and looked after will be enough. Oh, and the making out couldn’t hurt.
“Oh, my Angel. You have no idea how much you give me every day when I get to wake up with you in my arms. And how much you will give me when the time comes. Because once we take that step, that will be it. You will be mine forever baby. Hence the reason for the time I am giving you. Now come on slowpoke. Let’s go.”
And with that explanation, we go to the ballet and I had never felt more cherished and happier in well…. ever.
Let there be light
It has been exactly two months since we went to the ballet and it has been the hardest two months of my life. Every day and night I spend with Lydia, I can it feel it changing me in infinite ways.
For one, I no longer sit alone in the dark when she isn’t home and dream of how my sister would look. What her life would be like. I mean of course I think about her every day, but it is more of a consistent hum that will never go away versus the constant, aching, nagging, pain and guilt I have been carrying ever since she died.
No. My angel has turned me into a person that planned more for the future, than just work. Before her, I was content to design houses and sit back and live for nothing else. Now with her, I want it all.
I know it has been driving her crazy that I won’t take it all the way, but I have been waiting for the sign that shows me she is ready. And yesterday, I saw it. We went to the movies, down to the theater that shows old movies and new old movies. Anyway, we went because they were having some sort of Harry Potter night and she mentioned that she and Macy used to be obsessed over all things Harry Potter. I fully expected there to be a breakdown of sorts at some point throughout the night, but much to my surprise and elation, there wasn’t. She was able to tell me a story about her and Macy watching the second movie and get through the whole thing without one tear. She just looked sort of, fond of the memory.
And that was the sign I was looking for. When she was finally able to talk about Macy and not cry, breakdown, or get this look in her face that lets me know she is checking out on me mentally, then I knew it was time to take things to the next level. She has come to the final stage of her grief. Acceptance.
Which is why, I planned an awesome night for the following night. I ordered in food, bought candles, roses, and some smell good crap I read about on the internet on how to make a girls first time special. When she got home that night from her study session with her group, I surprised her at the door with dinner. All throughout the whole time she ate, she eye-balled me like
she thought I was crazy. She kept asking me what was going on, but in lieu of answering her I figured as she walked into the bedroom she would figure it out. And I was right.
“Tonight? Like right now tonight? Why? No. I don’t mean that how it sounds, I swear. I guess I am just wondering why now and not the other nights.”
“Sweet Angel. Do you realize that last night when we were leaving the movie and you were telling me about you and Macy that you didn’t cry once? Or get that guilty look about you. Not one time. That is the biggest hurdle you have crossed baby. I was not waiting on all your negative thoughts or bad thoughts to go away. Just for you to be able to say goodbye to your friend.”
I can see the realization dawn on her as what I am saying resonant, and when she looks up at me it is with wonder and awe. I open my arms letting her know, I am still here and will always be here and she runs into them.
“Thank you so much Luke. I wouldn’t have been able to heal even this much without you. You don’t know what you mean to me.”
“Angel. Not as much as you mean to me. Now come. I have run you a nice hot bath. I want you to soak for a while. I heard it is supposed to help.”
“Help with what?”
I look at her the same way I do every night, before I attack her, and she blushes the prettiest pink and bites her lip.
“Oh. Yea.” And with that she scurries off to the bathroom, which gives me ample time to set the room up.
About an hour or so later, I have showered in the guest bathroom and am sitting on the bed, when she comes out in the lace and silk white chemise gown we bought when we got her lingerie.
“Angel. Jesus. I….my dreams have never done you justice. But standing here in front of me, covered in white with your hair down and your body so pink and silky from your bath, fuck Angel. I am not going to make it if I want, and I want it to be good for you baby. Come here.”
Tentatively she walks towards me and when she is within arm’s reach, I pull her into my arms and just sit there for a moment allowing myself to be in this moment, and space with her. As my mind goes over everything I have had to endure and overcome, though I didn’t plan to do this right now at this moment, for many reasons it is right.
