by Heidi Perks
They stood in the biscuit aisle, her fingers trembling as they hovered over the dark ones. “Alice, what did I say?”
“Dark.” Her daughter nodded as Harriet cautiously put them in the basket.
When they got home and she laid one out next to his mug, Brian had picked it up and turned it over in his hands as if he’d never seen anything like it. Then he’d looked up at Harriet and said, “Oh my love, come here. You’ve done it again, haven’t you? It’s the milk chocolate I prefer.”
Harriet was losing her mind. By then she was certain of that. She feared she would ultimately lose everything.
“You will lose Alice one day,” he would often tell her.
He was right about that. Now she had lost her daughter.
• • •
THE CREAKING ABOVE her stopped and Harriet froze as she listened for his footsteps down the stairs. Of course, by now she knew she wasn’t losing her mind anymore. She was well aware it was Brian trying to convince her she was. She had become sure of that over the last twelve months, since the day she’d started writing in her notebook.
Though it was also fair to say she had done something crazy.
When he came into the kitchen he looked at her, but still didn’t speak. “Is everything okay?” she asked as calmly as she could.
“I need to go out. I need to speak to someone,” he said, though he didn’t move.
“Who?”
Brian gave a small shake of his head. He seemed uncertain about leaving her in the house, which made her wonder what was so important that he would go anyway. “Remember, Angela is coming round soon.”
“Yes. I know.”
“She’ll be here in half an hour, so there’s no time for you to go anywhere.”
Harriet nodded. The clock behind Brian showed it was nearly midday. Angela wouldn’t be here for another four hours.
“Twelve thirty, Harriet. She’s arriving at twelve thirty,” he persisted as if goading her to contradict him, but Harriet just nodded again. Eventually Brian tutted and walked out of the kitchen. “I won’t be long,” he called as he went out the front door.
• • •
IT CROSSED HER mind that Brian was going to see Ken Harris, the man who’d withdrawn his alibi, but she couldn’t think about either of them right now. Wherever he was off to, it was the least of her problems. Harriet needed a clear head to work out what she was going to do next, because she only had four hours until Angela arrived and even less before her husband returned.
Closing her eyes, she pressed her fingertips to her temple. “Think, Harriet.”
The past twelve months flickered like a movie behind her eyelids. The realization that Brian had created a life she and Alice couldn’t escape from, the appearance of the ghost from her past, the sheer desperation that made it seem like her plan was a good idea.
Everything had changed in the last twenty-four hours and Harriet knew it was dangerous to leave, but Alice was her priority. It was always about Alice. Only now she might possibly lose her daughter for good.
It was Harriet’s fault her daughter had disappeared twelve days ago, because she was the one who had planned it. Every meticulous detail of Alice vanishing from the fair was so they could escape him.
HARRIET’S STORY
Wednesday, May 18, 2016
I’m worried I might have done something bad.
Brian came home from work last night and rushed straight upstairs, frantic. He asked me why I’d left Alice in the bathtub on her own. I told him I didn’t. I can’t believe he thinks I would—I’d never do that.
But he looked at me in that way he does when his head leans to one side and his eyes roll over my body. It makes me think I’ve done something wrong, only I can’t remember.
He said Alice wouldn’t lie. He’s right—we both know she wouldn’t. He told me he was worried, even though I pleaded that I didn’t leave her for a moment—I could see myself in the bathroom, sitting on the footstool. I’d filled a jug of water and tipped it down Alice’s back, making her squeal with delight. Then I got a clean towel from the radiator and wrapped her in it as she stepped out of the tub. I remember it all. I didn’t leave the room. Yet, if Alice says I did . . .
The memory was so clear only moments ago, but a small black hole has appeared in the middle, slowly spreading like spilled ink. Now I’m left with a gaping blankness in the middle of the picture that I can no longer fill in.
Brian carried on talking at me, telling me Alice was frightened but that she would be okay. He told me not to cry as he wiped my tears with his thumbs, but I couldn’t bear the thought that I did anything to hurt my baby girl. His next words cut through the air like a knife—all it would take was for Alice to slip under the water and she’d be dead. I screamed at Brian to stop, clamping my hands over my ears. I would never let that happen.
But what if I had?
I told Brian we would go see the doctor again. I’m supposed to call him today and make an appointment. He will take more notes, pen it in black and white that my daughter is not safe alone with me.
Maybe she isn’t. All night I couldn’t sleep because every time I closed my eyes I saw Alice disappearing under the water. Beside me, Brian lay peacefully still, his breath deep and content with his spotless conscience.
There are plenty of things I forget, but never before has it put my daughter in danger.
This morning I asked Alice if she remembered her bath last night and if she enjoyed it. She looked at me oddly, but then it was an odd question. I tickled her in the ribs until she giggled and told her I was just wondering if I’d left her on her own, saying I was very sorry if I had because I should never do that.
She said I hadn’t, that I never leave her on her own.
My heart was beating so hard. It still is. I reminded her to always tell me off if I do and as an afterthought asked if maybe she’d told Daddy something about her bath.
Alice started giggling again, but not like she was when I tickled her. This time she was nervous and said Brian hadn’t seen her last night because she was hiding behind the sofa. Apparently she stayed there until he came upstairs to talk to me.
Her little face paled when she asked if she did something wrong. I assured her she hadn’t. Not at all.
I don’t think either of us have.
I must remember to ask Alice why she was hiding behind the sofa. It seems a strange thing for her to do.
HARRIET
The day I left Alice with Charlotte I knew that if everything went to plan, my friend would not be bringing her home. On the drive to her house I couldn’t take my eyes off Alice through the rearview mirror. I wanted to soak up every part of her because I didn’t know how long it would be until I saw her again.
Under her left arm, Alice clutched Hippo tightly. Her head was bent toward him and every so often her right thumb slipped toward her mouth until she realized what she was doing and pulled it away again. We’d talked about how sucking thumbs wasn’t good for her teeth. At some point between home and Charlotte’s house, Hippo had slipped out of her grip and fallen between her seat and the door. I didn’t notice she wasn’t holding him as I led her up Charlotte’s driveway.
I rang the doorbell and looked up at the bedroom window where the curtains were still closed. I’d been looking for signs that I shouldn’t do this. Anything to tell me that even though I had gotten this far, my plan was ludicrous and wouldn’t work. If Charlotte had forgotten she was having Alice, I thought, pressing the doorbell again, then that would be a sign. I couldn’t do this without Charlotte.
Alice sank into my side and I pulled her tighter against me. Each time I inhaled, my breaths felt sharp, like they were stabbing the inside of my chest. “You’ll be safe, Alice,” I murmured for my benefit as much as hers. I was doing this to keep us both safe.
When Charlotte appeared, still in her pajamas, my heart plummeted with dread that it was all going to go wrong. I considered telling her I’d had a change of heart and was comin
g to the fair with them. She wouldn’t bat an eyelid. She probably expected me to back out of leaving Alice anyway.
Charlotte gabbled away, unconscious of Evie yelling in the background as Alice sank deeper into me. But if I pulled out now, what would we do? I had been through it so many times. There were no other options.
I bent down and told Alice yet again she would be safe. I must have looked so jumpy to Charlotte, but she tried to brush over it, telling me they would all have fun and how exciting it was that I was taking a class in bookkeeping.
I knew she didn’t believe that. Neither of us did. Being crammed in a hotel for a day-long class was nothing more than an alibi. It was also an explanation Brian would fall for when he’d demand to know why I hadn’t told him I was leaving Alice with someone else. The police would find the final notices he’d hidden from me in his bedside drawer. They’d hopefully see the itemized receipts I’d needed to produce that were neatly folded under his pants. No one could question I was only trying to help. What they hopefully wouldn’t find was the rainy day money I’d squirreled away in a box, buried under a tree next to the sandpit.
Eventually I let go of Alice and walked away. I didn’t turn back. I couldn’t let either of them see the tears that flowed down my face, leaking into my mouth. It was the bravest thing I had ever done, but I’d never felt so frightened.
• • •
AT 1 P.M. on Thursday afternoon, twelve days after the fair and three hours before Angela would arrive, I left the house with the bare essentials, which were little more than a small amount of cash, Alice’s Hippo, a toothbrush, and my notebook. I still hoped I wouldn’t have to make the four-hour journey to find my daughter, because I knew how much I was risking by leaving. I hoped I would track them down before I got out of Dorset. My phone wasn’t working, thanks to it sinking to the bottom of the tub, so I was reliant on stopping at pay phones.
I prayed my call would be answered the next time I tried. I refused to dwell on the fact it had already been twenty-four hours since he hadn’t picked up, and what that meant.
My hands trembled against the wheel as I drove. In my rearview mirror Hippo smiled back at me from Alice’s car seat. She would be over the moon to get him back, but I didn’t know if I could leave him with her. Would Angela notice he was missing?
“Shit.” I thumped my hands against the steering wheel, stinging the flesh. This was all going horribly wrong. Whatever I did from now on, there would be too many consequences, and if I couldn’t get ahold of him my head wouldn’t be straight enough to think clearly.
After fifteen minutes I was almost on the outskirts of Dorset when I spotted a pay phone on a side street and pulled over. As I dialed the pay-as-you-go number I’d memorized, I knew that if there was no response I would need to drive all the way to Cornwall to find the cottage I had only ever seen pictures of.
The ringtone filled my ear, but it rang and rang until eventually it abruptly stopped. “Oh God, where are you?” I cried. None of this was right. He’d told me with such certainty he would always answer my calls and I’d believed him.
It was too late to ask myself why I’d trusted him. I had only known him six months. I had known Brian double that before I married him, and look how wrong I’d been about him.
I slumped down the side of the phone booth, balling my fists and hitting my forehead with the heels of my hands.
The plan to escape Brian had once seemed so certain in my head that even though I knew many things could go wrong, I never expected this. Now it was hanging together by loose pieces of tattered thread and, as I squeezed my eyes tightly shut, I knew that not only could my daughter be absolutely anywhere, but it was all my fault.
Monday, July 4, 2016
Brian was given a bonus at work. He’s so excited, says it’s an “overdue payment.” I think it’s embarrassing that he’s never been shown any gratitude for his commitment before, but Brian has been easily mollified with this extra amount.
This morning he announced he wanted to give me a little something so I could treat Alice and myself at the shops. I gasped as I watched him count out twenty-pound notes and slide them into a long, white envelope. It looked much more than a little something.
Brian winked at me as he said he’d put three hundred pounds in the envelope, which he sealed and tucked on top of the fridge. He asked if I’d go shopping today and told me to get whatever I fancied.
I was almost jumping up and down like a little kid. I’d already decided to get myself something and let Alice choose a new outfit, and then we’d go to the toy shop. I even wondered if maybe all we needed was for Brian to be given a boost of confidence at work.
I kissed him good-bye and left him to finish his coffee while I got Alice up and dressed. By the time we came downstairs, Brian had left for the office.
I put the envelope in the inside pocket of my handbag. There was more cash in it than I’d ever had on me, and I was nervous as we walked through the shopping center. I kept a hand over my bag the whole time.
At the counter of the first store, I laid out two jumpers I liked for myself and a pink frilly skirt Alice hadn’t been able to keep her hands off. It was a little big on her, but at the rate she was growing, I knew she would grow into it, and it really was beautiful. Alice couldn’t stop stroking the embroidered birds that ran along its hem, asking if she could show it to Molly later, and I was so happy to see her bubbling with joy.
I told her Molly was at school and that maybe we could show it to Evie, but when I ran my fingers under the seal of the envelope and reached inside, I gasped out loud.
The girl behind the counter stared at me gormlessly, asking if there was a problem.
Yes, there was a big problem. Instead of the three hundred pounds I had watched Brian count out, there was now only a ten-pound note. My cheeks burned as I made some excuse that I would need to come back, and picking up Alice’s hand, I hauled her toward the doors.
Her little feet were hurrying to keep up with me, but I didn’t stop until we were outside. Already her eyes were glistening with tears as she asked me if she wasn’t allowed to have the skirt anymore.
I crouched down and took her hands in mine, giving her the biggest smile my heart would allow. I said I was silly and forgot the money and I promised her—with a hand over my heart, I promised her—that one day I would come back and get that skirt for her.
Monday, August 8, 2016
I told Brian it would be hard to make nice meals every night with my allowance cut down, but he just retorted that I would have to be a little more creative. He grinned at me as he ruffled my hair.
I pulled away, fixing my hair, and asked why we had to budget if things were better at work.
Brian screwed up his nose and sighed deeply, telling me not to use the word budget and that we don’t have money issues. I knew what was coming before he said it—he had to learn to trust me again.
I bit the inside of my lip. I would not rise to the bait. Patiently I told him I need more than what he’s giving me to survive.
Alice already needs new shoes and I need to get her a coat for autumn.
Brian snapped back and asked how I could really expect him to hand over cash when I’d lost three hundred pounds. I pleaded with him that I didn’t lose it, that the money wasn’t in the envelope, but Brian only sighed and said he didn’t want to go through all that again. He said money doesn’t just disappear, and then asked me to keep itemized receipts for everything, and if Alice needs new shoes, then we can both take her on Saturday.
He said it would be fun for us to have a family trip out together when he got back from fishing. Then he reached out and ruffled my hair again.
HARRIET
I sat in my car, staring blankly at the unfamiliar road ahead, my handbag clutched tightly on my lap as I wondered if I had any other options. There was no choice. I had to find the remote hideaway where we’d planned for Alice to go.
From now on I would have to pay for anything I needed in c
ash, but I was still praying it wouldn’t be long before I knew Alice was safe and I could turn around and go home.
Fear was spurring me on to Cornwall, but I was also filled with dread at what I’d left behind, and the longer I was away the worse it would be.
Was Brian home already?
I imagined his face when he’d walk in and find me gone. For a while he’d presume I had popped out, but how long until he realized I should have been back? How long before he alerted Angela to the fact I’d disappeared? Until he urged them to believe I was as unhinged as he’d been making out and they should track me down immediately?
I put my handbag on the passenger seat and started the engine. I couldn’t waste any more time—I needed to get as far as I could as quickly as possible.
• • •
AS SOON AS I saw the flashing lights of the police car parked outside my house the day of the fair, I knew my plan had been carried through and Alice was gone. Brian had already been told that his daughter had disappeared and soon they would tell me. I couldn’t back out now, I kept thinking as I watched from inside my car.
Brian had dragged me out of the car and up the sidewalk, his fishing rods clanking like boats in the wind. For a very short moment my heart went out to him. Despite all he had done, I wondered if he deserved to think his daughter had been taken.
“Alice is missing.” His words screamed out into the still air. My legs were pulled from under me as I fell onto the ground as if my body had been taken along with her. That’s when it really smacked me that in that precise moment, I had no clue where my daughter was. I could pinpoint on a map where she should have been, but even as I imagined it, every road and motorway between us stretched interminably until I feared I might have lost her forever.
Had I made a mistake? What if someone else took her at the fair? How would I know if she was in a car accident? I screamed out Alice’s name, clawing my fingernails into the concrete until I was taken inside and forced to endure her last known whereabouts.
