by SJ Cavaletti
Elias
Present Day
Uyu
* * *
The next morning I got up early and excused myself from Liz and Simone’s motorhome before things got awkward. Not that they would have necessarily, but I had no idea whether Liz wanted me, or was just taken over by the combination of our cathartic talk, champagne and the romantic power of Uyu.
We weren’t having that conversation with Simone around, and I didn’t want Simone to feel awkward, like she had to leave. It was her home.
Liz kissed me goodbye. Closed mouth. More than friendly, less than sexual. This was all confusing. I could diagnose liver dysfunction by looking at someone’s tongue, but couldn’t figure out what Liz wanted after knowing her for years.
I stepped into my motorhome, Liz’s sweet scent like vanilla and morning dew hanging off my shoulders. Maeve and Drake were still in bed.
But it took a total of a millisecond for Drake to appear, scratching his balls, running his hand through his enviable head of hair, trying to make me out through puffy eyes.
“Man,” he said, “That was one long date. Haven’t really seen you for a couple days.”
“I came back to change yesterday…”
His chin bobbed up, and he sat down at the motorhome kitchen bench. I grabbed the kettle and lifted it in his direction. Another chin wag said yes to coffee.
“So I’m guessing you and Liz actually talked?”
“And then some…”
Drake stretched his arms upward, the sound of sex waking him up. “Shhhhiiiiiit. Good man.”
I pulled air through my nose, awakening my own senses. My own common sense. What to make of all of this. I turned on the gas and set the kettle on the burner, then leaned into the wall opposite Drake.
“Yeah. We purged.”
“Ha. Is that the medical term?”
“It should be,” I said, “But I meant emotionally, too. It was as good as that first time.”
“Something about that first time with someone…”
“Yeah… but now I’m just sitting here thinking, what next?”
I scratched my forearm, though it didn’t itch, and sat down next to Drake on the bench. I rubbed an ache in my neck, a cramp that was totally worth it because I’d kept Liz against my body, in the same position, all night long.
“So you had make up sex, but it was literally just making up? Like no talk about getting back together? But you want to, right?”
“Get back together?”
He nodded.
“I don’t know. Yes and no. I mean, I do. But also. She has her life now. I mean, she’s made an incredible life for herself. And she travels all the time and…”
“I don’t see the problem. The travel will just make you happier to see her when she gets home. Can’t miss her if she never leaves. That’s what I say.”
“Hey!” Maeve’s muffled voice shouted from the room next door, “I heard that.”
“I meant normal couples… girl, you’re my heartbeat,” Drake said loudly to the door. And he meant it.
Maeve and Drake were the cutest thing. Meant to be. The perfect story. From start to finish, there was not even anything to consider a blemish. They met, a strike of lightening and seven days later they were inseparable. A magical tether.
It wasn’t like that with Liz. It felt like that at the beginning. But then fate shoved a rag of chloroform over our faces and now we’ve woken up completely disoriented. Both in different places, different spaces. I didn’t want to pretend we could just go back to the way we were.
“Anyway,” Drake continued, “Back to you, my friend. You want this woman. If you have some sort of momentary disconnect between your mind and your heart, I’m here to put it back in place. A man doesn’t not move on for five years if he’s not hanging on to something. I mean, to be honest, I kind of thought you were hanging on to the past. Maybe just never got that closure you needed and being one of those people that idealizes their memories but meeting her? I mean, she’s definitely something special. That chariot. She’s fearless… you know? I mean going up on that pirate ship and she’s super smart…”
Another muffled sound from Maeve, “And she put Jasmine in her place.”
Drake pointed to the door, his finger wagging and agreeing. “And she’s strong. Few people stand up to Jas.”
“Ha. Little sis is tough as nails.”
“That she is.”
The kettle whistled, and I went to turn off the gas. I made three coffees as I knew Maeve would emerge any minute.
Sure enough, the door opened and out she came with her silky cotton skin, her signature black bob not its usual sleek self.
“You guys were out late?” I asked Maeve.
“It’s the way,” she said, sitting next to Drake, and I placed a coffee in front of her. She blew me a kiss in thanks.
“Anyway,” Drake continued, “If you don’t snag her now it might be incest before too long. Simone was all over Koa. Liz might be your sister soon.”
Maeve playfully bumped into Drake on the side. “They were just having fun. Kindred spirits.”
“I don’t know. Looked like more to me. Anyway… which I now say for the millionth time since we keep getting off the subject of Liz and I really want to drive this home for El like he did for me when I was close to leaving my treasure in the pyramid…” he put his arm around Maeve.
“So poetic,” I said.
“Always,” he lifted a brow, “Like I was saying. You love this girl. You can’t tell me you don’t. So don’t fuck it up. Take her home. Or go home with her. What do you have to lose? You’re starting from ground zero. The destruction already happened. Your eyes are open.”
“What if she doesn’t want to get together?”
“It’s up to you whether you want to take no for an answer,” Drake sipped the hot drink, “But all I can say is women like it when you tell them what to do.”
I expected Maeve, a feminist lawyer who didn’t shy away from a good debate, to refute his statement. But when I caught her eyes peering out from over her mug, she just lifted her brows and shrugged her shoulders, agreeing.
I gulped my coffee, almost scalding my mouth. “I need a shower.”
Even though I didn’t want one. I wanted to leave the smell of Liz on me forever.
___________
I didn’t need alone time in the desert. Not like some people. Like Drake. Or Jasmine. Or Koa. Or really most of my crew. Almost all of them wanted to have an hour on their own to reflect and take in the moment. But I already spent a lot of time alone. Too much. And in that space with only my voice for conversation, I found the voice dull. Boring. It didn’t have much fun anymore.
My inner voice was a year away from being a grumpy old man. So anytime I could be around other people, I was. But today, I needed a chat with that man inside my head. So after downing a second coffee with Maeve and Drake, and having some peanut butter toast, a shower, I took off on my bike to God knows where.
But away.
Away was where I headed.
Dust kicked up around my heels, the dry sun prickled my face and gypsum stung my eyes. I passed people dressed in carnival wear, so-called being the deepest version of themselves, and suddenly I knew where to go.
I headed back to the temple. I’d never been there alone. Every year before this one, I’d been with Jasmine. And this year, with Drake and, ironically, Liz. Every year I’d written her name. I didn’t really know what it meant, which was why it was the perfect prayer. I didn’t know what I wanted, but my spiritual friends had always said it was better to leave the words of prayers to God, anyway. I thought I wanted closure. To free up my mind from the consistent thoughts of her. To maybe meet someone else.
But actually, I hadn’t wanted that. I liked caring about Liz. It felt good to want for someone else’s happiness so deeply.
When I went to the jungle in Brazil, hoping to release the guilt and pain I carried around after the accident, to stop feeling lik
e Liz leaving me was the punishment I deserved for running into her, I took ayahuasca. They called it Dai-me. Which in Portuguese means “give me.”
It was an all-encompassing experience that changed me and the first thing I thought of when I got home, after leaving the poetry of my psychedelic experience in the jungle was that Dia-me is a strange name for the tincture that made me so very okay with not giving to myself.
Liz’s happiness was my happiness. And that was genuine love. I truly, madly, deeply loved that woman.
But I still wanted her. And a huge part of me believed she was still better off being happy with me. Not just because I was selfish, which I was, but because I would be there for her. And that was part of the happiness ecosystem. Nobody would give her love the way I would. And it was impossible to accept that she might end up getting less than she deserved.
All this thinking through the cloud of dust, I hardly noticed my journey to the temple, but I arrived at the exotic, religious structure. I parked up my bike and went inside. Instantly, a calm, spiritual feeling washed over me as if the architecture weren’t enough to signal the soul to quiet and listen, the singing bowls were still there with their hymn. Now, there were even more prayer notes hung than at my last visit. Like a swarm of thousands of butterflies.
I didn’t have another paper moth to add. No prayer to ask. I was here for my answer this time.
I went to the inside edge of the structure and sat down, my back against the wall, and listened. At first, only the same questions kept my brain busy. Should I try to get back together with Liz? Should I leave her to live her life? Should I move on now that we have closure?
But then, clear as the pure, innocent sound of the binaural beat all around me, the answer came. No more doubt. No more guilt or shame or even wonder.
Drake was right. Women did like being told what to do. But I had one more question to ask.
31
Liz
Present Day
Uyu
* * *
“So you’re okay with us doing the burn with Koa and those guys?” Simone asked.
Something had happened last night. It used to be “El’s friends” and now it was “Koa and those guys.” Simone had that light-hearted look about her that people got when they found a new crush.
“Koa, eh?”
Her eyes refused me, but an elfish grin pulled up the edge of her mouth. “Maybe. If he didn’t live so far away.”
“Vacation romance. Just do it.”
“Mmm…”
She sifted through her duffle bag of clothes, looking for just the right thing. We’d been told that people go all out for the burning of the temple and the clock tower. I couldn’t even imagine there was another level people could go to. Every night the most elaborate beings graced the Plain like it Rocky Horror meets Mad Max meets Alice in Wonderland. The Johnny Depp one.
I looked through my own things and wondered what El would like to see me in. I shouldn’t have wondered that. I’d enjoyed the past several years not trying to impress men and just wearing what I thought was cool. But here I was, that sense of wanting to impress regaining control over my decisions. It meant something.
“What are you going to wear?” Simone asked.
“I loved that neon outfit we have,” I replied. “The matching one. But now I feel like I already wore it. Not a sucker punch anymore.”
“It’s still exciting.”
“Says she who desperately searches for the glass slipper.”
Simone looked up. A tight-lipped smile on her face. “Well, why do you care so much about what to wear?”
“I don’t.”
“Says she who’s had five different tops in the past three minutes.”
“Yeah, well…”
“Well what? You going to tell me about the El stuff or not? You’ve been avoiding the conversation.”
“Not really. Just don’t want you to get bored with me.”
She rolled her eyes. “Like everyone isn’t watching you two like the latest prime time sitcom.”
I looked in a full-length mirror at the last top I had to try. A gold strapless bustier with mirror effect sequins. I turned to Simone. “This would look really amazing with your collar piece. Are you wearing it tonight?”
She rummaged around and found a large beaded collar like one Cleopatra might wear.
“All yours.” She started to hand it to me, but when I went to take it, she yanked it away. “In exchange for the dirt.”
I took it and spilled. “El and I are good. You know… the whole thing, the break up… It was really about that day in Sedona and we hashed it out. Said what needed to be said. We’re really good now. In a really honest place, so I think we can actually be friends. Like, genuine friends. Which honestly we weren’t before. It was just polite.”
“Friends?”
“Mmmhhmm.”
“Yeah. I don’t have naked sleepovers with my friends.”
“We were emotional. It was bound to happen.”
She snorted. “Again. I don’t have sex with my friends just because we’ve had an emotional day. You two still have a spark there?”
There was a spark. There was a full-blown fucking forest fire. But natural as it was, it posed a danger, too. “Yes, there is. Unfortunately.”
“Why unfortunately?”
I teased and sprayed my hair into a faux hawk. “Because I live in Florida and I’m happy there. He has his job in Seattle. He really wanted that job in Seattle. El is really principled. He wouldn’t be able to make it happen at any old hospital. Like, be happy. It’s a long story.”
“So it’s easier for you to move?”
“I really didn’t like Seattle. I mean it’s a cool city but too rainy. And kind of hilly. That weather and wheelchairs? If I have a choice of anywhere in the world, I would not choose a rainy climate.”
“Makes sense.”
“So I think, even if I did want to get back together…”
“Which you do…”
“I didn’t say that. Even if we did want it, I’m sure he’s thinking the same thing I am. The odds are stacked against us. El has to work.”
“And you’re saying he’s not worth the rain?”
When she put it that way, it sounded trite. More than. It sounded insane. But there were a few things that made wheelchair living so much more tolerable. Allowed me to have fun with my life. Good weather was important to me. I’d decided it was a non-negotiable.
But the more I thought about it, the more it seemed worth it. Being under an umbrella is only lonely if there’s no one under it with you. And El, the most chivalrous Prince Charming? There was only one place he’d let me get wet.
Maybe I was just making excuses. Maybe I was just scared. Scared to try again because there would be no coming back from that if it didn’t work. And El and I? We were both stubborn. Idealistic. Focused on following through with our goals. Were they really aligned anymore? Not really.
He’d said so himself. He was disappointed that I wasn’t in innovation anymore. I wasn’t his Marie Curie anymore. A wave of metallic sadness washed through me. Too much time had passed. Too many things had changed.
I looked over at Simone, who got ready in such a good mood her shoulders danced, though no music played. Taking another look at myself in the mirror, I saw a woman that made me proud. Maybe El wasn’t proud of me. Maybe he was, and I was just being silly and insecure. But one thing was certain. I really was more than okay with the woman I’d become. I’d worked hard to believe I was worthy.
It wasn’t easy to find El and his friends, or “Koa and the guys,” but we did eventually spot Drake’s head popping up above the crowd. Handy to have a super tall man in the group. Not that I saw him. My super tall friend Simone did.
I parked up the chariot at the edge of an enormous ring of people, at least a hundred feet in diameter, that already formed around the clock tower and the cathedral. It was crowded but there wasn’t any action yet so people were very at
tentive and obliging as we made our way through the crowd and found this new band of characters to which we apparently belonged.
As I wheeled my chair, my arms grew heavy, harder and harder it was to make those wheels spin. My heart stole the blood from my system as it occurred to me that tomorrow, maybe tonight, I’d say goodbye to El again. We’d be three thousand miles apart and friends. We’d go back to seeing each other on social media with digital hearts and thumbs up. And although this time there would be a deeper sincerity connected to it, my guts would miss this. A lump in my throat moaned at me. It wanted to stay here forever.
But like every vacation, this one, too, would end.
We arrived at the group and they all looked spectacular and yet not overdone. Upon reflection, this was in keeping with what El’s gang was like. They were here for the experience. The connection. Each other. And I guessed that on some level, they all understood the melancholy I experienced right now. Except surely they would meet up at some point… El had said so in his email.
I could make the first move… arrange to actually meet up with El before we leave?
“Hey ladies!!” Koa spotted us.
Simone went straight over to him and they hugged. The mutual crush or was cute as hell.
El and I locked eyes, and his were completely readable. He’d miss me, too.
He had on a black dinner jacket with coattails that had gold tassels and exposed gold stitching. Like a kick ass, sexy version of Sergeant Pepper. Or the Greatest Showman on ecstasy. His bare chest approached me, an ab or two flexing as his hip bones swayed in my direction. Pec muscles shining. And if I didn’t know El better, I would have thought he oiled up. But his skin was just like that. Not moist looking exactly, but always with a healthy, lubricated sheen.
“You look insane,” he said, taking my hand and with the other I gave my chair a little wiggle, my version of a curtsey. “That collar…”
“I borrowed it from Simone.”
I should have just said thank you.
