“Lord, we come before you now thanking you for your beautiful daughter, Rae. I pray that you will shower your loving kindness over her, that she might feel your presence and grace in her life. I ask that you will guide her throughout her endeavors to welcome you into her life and help her to have the courage to pursue your way. I pray that she will have a truly edifying experience with you as she reads the scriptures we wrote down and the many others that you will lead her to. Help her to distinguish your voice from the devil’s from here on out. Lord, we ask these things in Jesus' name, Amen.”
“Amen,” I follow, feeling uplifted despite my tears.
I reach over and wrap her in a hug. “Thank you so much for talking to me about all this, Kaya. I didn’t realize how much I needed it.”
She squeezes me back, “I’m here anytime you need me. Just like I know I can come to you.”
“Yes, of course,” I smile, “And I’m so sorry. I really didn’t mean to make this all about me. I meant to just come spend time with you and see if you needed anything.”
“Just you coming to see me made me feel worlds better,” She smiles back, “The Lord has a funny way of bringing us right where we need to be. Right when we need it.”
“He really does,” I agree as we walk toward the door.
We hug one last time before I open it.
“And Rae?” She says.
“Hmm?”
“Just … take baby steps. Because if you try to fix everything all at once, even with God’s help, you will get discouraged. That’s too much to focus on at a time. Just pick one thing to really grab a hold of right now and focus only on it until you feel good about it.”
“I will,” I say, smiling, “And I’m sorry again to hear about everything you’re going through. I’ll … pray for you.”
And I mean it.
John 14:15-17: If you love me, you will keep my commandments. And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Helper, to be with you forever, even the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it neither sees him nor knows him. You know him, for he dwells with you and will be in you.
13
Grace - Tuesday
I bounce lightly on the pads of my feet in front of the bedroom mirror, sizing up my midsection. I wonder if it’s just my imagination making me feel heavier. Do mothers ever feel the weight of their baby this early on, or is any idea of that just a mind trick?
I pinch the skin of my tummy and eye it skeptically. I don’t seem to have gained any weight.
Amity slinks into the room, making the door squeak. It takes my attention from my belly and reminds me of what I came in here to do in the first place. I grab my cell phone from its charger and tap out the number I’ve come to know by heart.
“Grace!” She says by the second ring.
“Rae.” I smile, filling with warmth at her voice. “Listen — I wanted to say I’m sorry for hanging up on you the other day. That was not cool, and this is so overdue. I’m just sick of not talking to you.”
She laughs, “Me too. I’ve missed you. And I really am sorry if I upset you. I didn’t mean to.”
I wave my hand, “Please. I’ve just been extra … emotional lately. I’m not sure what’s wrong with me.”
I rest my palm on my tummy, fully aware of the lie I just told. I know exactly what my problem is.
“Hey,” She says, “Don’t worry about it. You’ve clearly had a lot on your mind.”
If only you knew … I want to say.
“I wasn’t mad at you,” I explain instead, “I was mad at her. I feel like she’s trying to whittle her way into all of my relationships.”
“I can understand that …” She trails off, “But that does remind me of something I wanted to add on to that conversation. If you don’t mind, that is.”
Amity had darted out of the room by now, so I grab a tissue box from my bedside table just to have something to hold, “By all means.”
“Well,” Rae says, “I will admit — at first I was totally confused about your reaction when I brought Jayden’s Facebook. I had no idea what you meant by ‘you saw this morning’. So after we got off the phone, I took a look for myself, and Grace … you totally misunderstood me. I wasn’t trying to rub it in that he’d taken down your photos or anything. I was trying to tell you that Jayden had been telling Hadley he didn’t even have a Facebook. When I pulled up his page the night before, all of your pictures together were still on there, and he and Hadley weren’t even Facebook friends.”
I frown as I process this, “Wait … what?”
“Yes!” She exclaims, “So the only thing I can reason is that after the baby shower, maybe Hadley went home and called him out? Like ‘Why are you lying to me about not having Facebook?’ So then he deleted your photos with him and ‘friended’ her to keep you a secret from her?”
My fingers idly rip at a tissue, anger rising in my chest, “That cheat.”
“Right? That’s why I was saying I think you should talk to her, Grace … I really don’t think she knows. That’s what I was calling to tell you, but I got all jumbled up because I could tell you weren’t happy with me. None of it came out right.”
I lean against the wall, processing everything. Maybe I should talk to her.
“At least think about it.” Rae says, “I obviously care about you more than anyone in this situation.”
I smile, “Thanks, Rae.”
A few beats pass, and I find myself wishing we could talk in person. Then I remember it’s Tuesday. Our usual wedding-planning day.
“Are we still on for coffee today?” I say, leaning back against the wall, “Five o’clock tonight after work? I have a lot to tell you.”
“Of course!” She says, “I’ll admit that I totally forgot, but I’ll get all my planners together.”
“Great,” I say, “Talk to you then.”
We hang up and I slide my back down the wall, curling into a ball that cradles my face with my knees.
***
The familiar little bell on the doorknob sounds as I walk through the Café door. The sun was back out in Vermont this morning, illuminating the many brilliant colors of our famous maples, but now that it has dipped away, the evening weather is shivery again.
I find Rae seated at our usual table and hug her from behind before taking my seat across from her.
“Hey you,” she smiles.
Man, I’ve missed her.
Ava comes up and takes our order. I get my usual chai tea and Rae gets her coffee, but when Ava returns, that’s not all she’s carrying.
Just as she did last time, she places a glorious smelling, grease-stained brown paper bag in front of me.
My mood instantly brightens. “Ava, I swear, you are the greatest barista in the world.”
She purses her lips, shrugging, “It’s not from me this time, but I’ll take it.”
I smile gratefully at Rae, “Damn you, you know I don’t need all these extra carbs.”
She holds up her hands, “It’s not from me either.”
I eye the bag skeptically, “Not … from you?”
Ava smiles knowingly, and waltzes from our table into the kitchen.
Rae watches me intently as I open the bag and take out a yellow note. In sharp, small writing that slants slightly to the left is one simple word:
Sorry.
The word is followed by a phone number, which brings heat to my cheeks.
“What?” Rae says, “Who’s it from?”
I pass her the note and set the cinnamon roll on my napkin.
Her eyes flit back and forth from the apology to the phone number.
“Um, okay, what?” She says, “This isn’t Jayden’s writing, is it?”
I shake my head, smiling through the bite of the pastry I just took.
She squints her eyes at me. “Explain. What happened within the past two days?”
I feel the corners of my eyes crinkle, “You’re gonna laugh when I tell you what this is all about
.”
I relay the whole story to her, much to her amusement.
“You went up to him?” She whoops, “And tried to buy one of his cinnamon rolls?”
“I mean, yeah,” I laugh, “Is that so bad? I told you I’ve been feeling a little irrational lately.”
“Dang girl,” She shakes her head, amused, “I can’t leave you alone for a couple of days.”
I snort, waving the note, “So long story short, I failed in actually obtaining one of his rolls, so now I guess this is sort of his apology. For being greedy.”
Rae brings the coffee mug to her lips. “So, are you gonna call him?” she says, taking a sip.
“Pfft. No. Probably not. I mean, not with the chance of him having a girlfriend.”
Rae nods, “Good call. Very smart. Especially with everything being so fresh still …”
She’s referring to Jayden again, for the second time tonight. A topic which I’m beginning to feel burnt-out on. But I know I can’t avoid talking about him with her, perhaps any time between now and the next eighteen years, considering my circumstances.
“So,” I begin, “I’m not really sure how to go about saying this, or if I even should just yet, but … My period should’ve been here by now.”
She almost spits her coffee.
I wince.
I wait for her to swallow and compose herself. She leans forward in her chair, whispering, “You’re late?”
I frown, hating both the sound and the secrecy of the words. “I am.”
She stares at me, still wide-eyed and full of concern, “How late?”
“Pretty darn,” I say, taking a regretful bite of my roll. “Four days.”
Neither the vitamin C tablets, nor my workout routines, nor my special period-inducing foods have encouraged even the smallest cramp in my tummy. She and I both know that being late is not a regular thing for me. I’ve been on a pretty set schedule from the time I was a young teen.
“Are you gonna tell him?” She says, asking the million-dollar question.
I pinch the bridge of my nose with my fingers, hoping to relieve the migraine I feel coming on. I try to crush the fact that migraines are a pregnancy thing with the equally valid fact that they are also a stress thing.
“Not yet,” I say, “Not until I know for sure.”
We sit in silence, contemplating the obvious predicament.
“You know you have to stop taking the Xanax, right?” She says.
“Yeah, I already have,” I say, reaching in my purse and producing the bottle. “I’ve definitely felt the effects too. Sleep is just no longer a thing for me.”
Her face twists in sympathy, “I’m sorry.”
I hand it over, “Me too.”
“Wait, wait, you said you’re four days late, right? And you still don’t know for sure? Why haven’t you taken a test yet?”
“I’ve been waiting for the seven-day-late mark.” I shrug, “Isn’t it supposed to be more accurate that way?”
“Mm, I’m pretty sure you could take one now. The test I took that one time advertised being able to read accurate results six days before your missed period. Why don’t we just get you one today while we’re together? What would you have to lose?”
“Money,” I smile.
She rolls her eyes, “If you’re pregnant, you’re gonna be spending a lot more than ten dollars on a pregnancy test in the next few years. Plus, I want to be there for you. I am emotionally invested in this now.”
I sigh, “I guess today is as good a day as any.”
We sit in silence for a few moments, taking everything in. That’s when I realize that the entire conversation so far has been about me, and that’s the exact opposite of what we’re supposed to be doing: planning the wedding.
“I feel like I set us off track,” I say, mustering a smile, “Let’s talk about wedding stuff. What’s the status?”
Rae sits back in her chair, “I’m pretty much up to par with my planning. Your life is way more interesting right now.”
I smile, shaking my head, “So you found a photographer then? Last I knew, that was the problem at hand.”
Rae looks slightly uncomfortable as she sips her coffee, “Yep. I did.”
“Well?” I say, “Who’d ya get?”
Rae looks hesitant, “Do you remember Zoe?”
I nod, smiling so that she knows it’s okay to talk about A&B stuff, “I was wondering if it might be her.”
Zoe had posted a picture of Rae and I on the A&B blog a few days ago. Never mind that I’d been stalking the site for information on Hadley when I discovered it. The bottom line is I was shocked to see my face on the website of a group I visited once, especially with the headline being “Family of the Faith”.
The truth is, ever since my impromptu Bible study yesterday, I’ve felt inspired to give A&B a second chance. When I read those words — Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, I feel the compelling need to hear more of these affirmations. I feel as though God, who I’ve never really spent much time thinking about before, was speaking to me personally at that moment.
“Do you want to do something fun?” I say, out of the blue.
“Get a pregnancy test?” Rae says, raising a brow.
I laugh, “Well, yes, but something before that.”
“Always,” Rae smiles, “What do you have in mind?”
I scoot my chair back and hoist my bag over my shoulder. “Let’s go to the bookstore.”
***
I didn’t have to drag her this time like I usually would.
Bookstores have always been more my thing than Rae’s. I love everything to do with reading, from the smell of the pages to the crisp sound they make as you turn them. There are plenty of genres I know would suit Rae too — How to Buff Your Bod in Ten Days, for example — but whereas I would love to lose myself in the thoughtfulness of someone's how-to book, she’s always been more of a YouTube-tutorial kind of gal. That’s why I hadn’t expected her to light up like she did at the idea of going to the bookstore.
I have one single goal for the night, and that is to find myself the perfect Bible. One that I can fill with my own mark-ups and highlights, and one that I can read without worrying about the sacred pages of my grandmother’s writing falling out.
When we arrive at the store, to my surprise, Rae goes off on her own, actively seeking something out.
I take the opportunity to go over to the Bible section and take a leisurely scan of my options, but I am all too overwhelmed. Who knew there are so many different translations?
After walking the aisle several times and thumbing through various options, I finally settle on an NIV Bible with a simple, soft blue cover. I shift the weight of the book in my hands. It feels right to me. Its pages are gilded the way Grandma Jackie’s are, and when I open the cover, I find plenty of room to write in the margins on either side of the text.
With a silent nod, I select a pack of highlighters that supposedly won’t bleed through the particularly thin pages of my new book and head to the front desk. I’m making it official. I’m choosing to invest.
Rae meets me at the counter with a checkout bag of her own.
I eye her, placing my hand to my chest, “Rae? Buying a book? I’m shocked.”
She laughs, nodding at my Bible, “You’re one to talk,”
I wave her off, “I figured we couldn’t keep showing up at A&B without Bibles of our own.”
“Excuse me, I have —” She starts and then pauses, “Wait, what?”
I hand the cashier my credit card.
“You wanna go back?” She says with disbelief.
I shrug, “I’m thinking about giving it another shot.”
“But … Hadley …”
“I know. Believe me, innocent or not, no part of me wants to see that girl. But … if I go, it’ll be for reasons much bigger than how I feel about Hadley.”
***
The car’s headlights shine on another vehicle in the lot as we turn.
&n
bsp; “Is Adam here?” I say as Rae pulls into her driveway.
From the bookstore, she had invited me to her house to take the pregnancy test. Apparently, she had one left over from a three-pack she once bought, and offered for me to just take that one instead of buying another.
“Uh, looks like it,” Rae says, shifting her car into park, “Don’t worry though, he won’t bother us.”
I shrink down in my seat, filling my cheeks with air.
She laughs, “I mean it. Most nights he comes over, he grades papers while I study. We just coexist.”
I sigh, unbuckling my seatbelt.
Not that I don’t love Adam, but he’s like a brother to me at this point. The idea of taking a pregnancy test anywhere near him makes me slightly uncomfortable.
I hang back as Rae goes in first.
“Adam!” She says with sheer delight.
I join her inside as Adam kisses his bride-to-be.
“Hey, beautiful.”
He looks past her and notices me, opening his arms wide.
“Hey, Adam,” I say, giving him a squeeze.
“You have some papers to grade, babe?” Rae interjects.
Adam runs a hand through his hair, “Quite a bit actually. Why?”
“Grace and I are gonna have some girl time real quick,” She smiles.
He throws up a hand, “Well don’t let me get in the way. Girl time away, you two.”
Rae loops her arm around mine and leads us to her primary bathroom. She rummages around in her drawer before producing a small, white package.
The plastic crinkles in my hands as she hands it to me. I look it over, suddenly feeling like a child.
“Um…” I mutter, “where are the instructions?”
Rae smirks, “On the box … which I threw away forever ago. Have you never taken a pregnancy test before?”
I nudge her, “Don’t make fun of me. I’ve only had that one other pregnancy scare, and I got my period before it ever came time to worry about taking one.”
“Oh,” She says, “Well, don’t worry about it too much. They’re pretty much self-explanatory. You just make sure the end part gets fully immersed and then wait a few minutes before checking the screen.”
“Hmm,” I say, eyeing the test, “Okay.”
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