But I’ll never know for sure if I don’t go talk to him.
I lift my shirt up to feel my belly, which is starting to become slightly firm. I don’t have much time … if I’m going to do it, I need to do it soon.
The truth is, I’ve missed Liam’s company. Since Rae pointed out how fresh everything with Jayden was, I tried to back off … give myself some space. But the thing is, I don’t think space is what I need anymore. I think what I need is to get this off my chest.
To: Liam
Sent: 12/19/19
Time: 12:26 pm
“I know this is way late … but … you down for that rain check now?”
____________
***
It’s practically a blizzard outside by 5 p.m., but it’s nothing Persia and her tire-chains can’t handle. As I make my way to Liam’s house, I wonder if maybe it’s fate that his whole family is on vacation … everyone but him because of work. If he’d been able to go with them, maybe this conversation would never have happened. I’d have missed my chance and I’d never really know if there was something
in store for us.
Just in case, I pray as I drive. For God’s will mostly, but I’m careful to add my desires as well.
The snow assaults my face as I make the familiar pilgrimage to the Crosses front door. He opens it for me immediately and ushers me in. My teeth are chattering as he hands me something warm: A steaming cup of hot cocoa.
I smile down at the mini marshmallows and look up at him for the first time. Side grin, chestnut brown eyes, neatly spiked hair … yes. This is the man I’ve missed.
“Hiya,” He says.
I can smell his fresh spearmint scent mixed with something much stronger: wood smoke. I can hear a crackling fire going in the living room.
“Did you make us a fire?” I say, excited.
“Fires are a winter essential,” He says, nodding to the living room.
We make ourselves comfy on the couches in front of the fireplace and I sip my cocoa, not sure where to start. It’s surprisingly not awkward. Just … much anticipated.
“So they left you behind, huh?” I say, peeking at him over my glasses, “In this big empty house?”
“Yeaaahh,” He says, “What kind of family are they, anyway?”
“A beautiful one,” I say, “I love them so much.”
He chuckles, “I’m glad to hear that.”
“I was gonna tell you,” I say, setting down my cup, “I um … took your advice.”
He leans forward on his palms, “What advice is that?”
“To make up with my mom …”
“Yeah?” He says, gazing intently, “How’d that go?”
“Amazingly,” I smile down at my knees, “She’s … well, we’re like family again.”
He smiles, “See? I told you that you needed to take that first step.”
“Yeah …” I say, clearing my throat.
How do I start this??
“I guess … I also wanted to apologize to you for something.”
He raises a brow, sipping his cocoa.
“I’m sorry I kind of blew you off on our rain check a couple months ago …” I say, “I didn’t mean to.”
He laughs, “I was starting to think you’re just really bad at getting back with people.”
I shake my head, “No. Honestly, this is going to sound really weird, but I was trying to be fair to you.”
“Fair to me?” He inquires, “How do you mean?”
“Well …” I start, taking a deep breath, “Hanging out with you was really fun. Surprisingly so. But … I have to admit … I wasn’t being completely honest with you.”
He nods and waits for me to find my words.
“See … around the time I met you, I had just gone through a horrible breakup. I mean, horrible. My ex had cheated on me after years of dating.”
Liam purses his lips, “I know.”
“I — wait, what?” I eye him curiously now, “You know? What do you mean?”
He frowns, “I mean, just by the way you went off on me in the car and that message you left me beforehand … it wasn’t hard to guess you’d been through something like that yourself. Recently.”
“Oh,” I blush.
“And usually I wouldn’t pursue someone who treated me the way you did,” He smiles, “But having picked up on that … I don’t know, I guess it was easy for me to give you a pass. Here was this beautiful, spirited girl who’d been terribly wronged somehow… it didn’t seem fair.”
My heart flutters.
Beautiful.
Spirited.
But then I frown, “Am I a pity-friend?”
He smiles, amused, “A what?”
“Someone you show interest in because you feel sorry for them. For being broken.”
He shifts, “Well that’s certainly not true. In fact, I remember feeling intrigued by you.”
He pauses for a moment, making eye contact with me, “I still am intrigued by you.”
My tongue feels dry all of the sudden, because there’s my answer. He is still interested. That makes this conversation all the more vital.
“Liam …” I say, wringing my hands. I resist the urge to scoot close to him.
I can't. Not yet.
“I won’t keep pretending that liking me is a simple decision …” I say, “Or rather, I can’t keep letting you think that.”
He sets down his cup and looks at me inquisitively, “What do you mean?”
“I’m not …” Ugh. “Well, I’m not just totally available.”
His face falls, “You’re back with your ex?”
“No, no,” I say, holding up a hand, “Definitely not. It’s just that … I now have baggage from that relationship that I’ll have to carry with me ... for literally ever. I don’t think it’s fair of me to ask you to accept it.”
He leans forward, “Grace … I don’t want you to worry about that. If I’m going to date you,” My heart flutters again at the mention, “I’m going to date all of you. Not just the pretty parts. If you’ve built up some walls, rightfully so, then that’s okay. You’ll have to learn what it’s like to be with someone who actually cares about you enough to take them down slowly … at your pace.”
I’m taken aback by his bluntness. If there was a shadow of doubt in my mind about his interest, there’s absolutely none now. But then, my countenance falls. I feel a lump forming.
“Liam, that’s really, really sweet of you ... but you’re still not getting it. I’m not just some complicated girl inside who needs gentle care to be okay … I’m …”
I take a deep breath and swallow the lump in my throat. Just rip it off like a Band-Aid.
“I’m pregnant.”
His eyes widen for a moment and then resume back to normal. If I’d blinked, I’d have missed it — this glitch in his otherwise careful composure. His Adam’s apple bobs and he sits back in his chair, frowning. The silence seems to last forever as he rubs his hand across the light stubble of his chin and stares into the fireplace.
I squeeze my eyes shut, unable to take it anymore, “Please say something.”
He breathes heavily out of his nose and makes me sit in silence a few more minutes — nothing but the crackle of the fire to keep me.
“You’re pregnant,” He repeats slowly.
I nod, feeling miserable. I’d just started to experience joy again. Now I can feel it draining from me.
“And it’s your ex’s?” He says.
My brows pinch, “I haven’t been sleeping around since then if that’s what you’re asking.”
He shakes his head, “It’s not. I’m trying to gauge how deeply into our lives your ex would be.”
My heart stops. Is he saying that “we” are still an option?
I shake my head, “Uh, yeah, don’t worry about him. He’s not interested.”
“In you or in his baby?” Liam says.
“Both of us,” I say, swallowing the lump hard.
“
Hm,” he rumbles, sitting back in his chair again. He gifts me with another minute of silence. Then I hear him mumble something under his breath:
“I suppose it wouldn’t be the end of the world.”
I lean in, sure I’ve misheard, “What’d you say?”
His eyes meet mine, thinking carefully, “I’m not sure this is something I’ve ever told you about myself, but something I’ve always wanted to do — always thought I’d do — is adopt. You know, as like, a way to give back what my parents did for me and Sakura.”
I nod, tongue feeling dry again.
“Now of course, I thought that would be years in the future. And maybe it still is. Who can really say? God’s plans are not my plans.”
I wait, hoping he means what I think he does.
“But something I’ve always held fast to is this: Why would you bring more babies into the world, when there are already so many babies already in it who need to be loved? Not to say I don’t want one of my own someday. I definitely want at least one. But that’s beside the point. I guess what I’m saying is … I’m not totally opposed to this. You and me, I mean. I’m willing to give it a shot.”
My eyes widen and my heart caves. I feel the tears filling eyes.
“That’s not to say it’ll for sure work out,” He clarifies, “I’m not saying I’m completely ready for this … I guess I’m just saying … let’s see how it goes?”
I nod, tears streaming. Without thinking, I crawl into his chair.
He stiffens for a second, but as I rest my head on his shoulder, he softens, wrapping his arms gently around me. My crying is silent, but I still can’t say words. Gently, he strokes my hair. We stay like this for a few minutes until the fresh tears stop.
“You’re gonna be okay, Grace.” He says.
I smile, fully aware of my snotty-nosed self.
I wipe the snot on my sleeve and pull myself from his shoulder. I look into those deep brown eyes, associating his words with his face.
I know for a fact my face is not as pleasing of a view: Red, puffy, wet — but even knowing that, I can’t help but get lost in that sea of chocolate-colored irises with the little golden flecks.
My eyes flick down to his lips, noticing the lower lip is fuller than the top … beautifully sculpted, really. When my eyes meet his again, his warm gaze is intent.
He doesn’t look at me like he wants to devour me … like I am a sexy piece of meat. His eyes don’t hold the intensity of sexual desire, like Jayden’s always had. Instead they are soft and caring.
He tucks a lock of hair behind my ear and slowly brings his face close to mine. I can feel the warmth of his breath. But while everything Jayden did could only be described as “taking”, Liam waits for me to complete the gesture … to give my permission.
I bring my fingertips to his jaw, feeling it for the first time. In a slow, relishing movement, I close my eyes and touch my lips lightly to his.
He brings his hand to the back of my neck and gently presses us closer, a deep rumble reverberating in his chest.
Usually, this is the part where the kiss gets indelicate, clothes get thrown, and bodies collide - but here and now, for Liam and I, it’s where this kiss ends.
As we pull apart, searching each other's faces, we smile.
Because of the simplicity of the kiss, the pure lack of romance (thanks to my snot), and because this might just be the start of something new.
44
Rae
I position myself at the starting line, flexing my fingers in and out of my palms. I mentally count down from three before kicking off the dirt behind me and dashing into a full sprint. I run hard, not stopping when my lungs begin to burn, trying to keep pace with my legs. I push my body to its limit, leaving my doubts far, far behind me.
Just a little farther, I tell myself, amazed at how fast I can go, and I keep this up until my mind is clear of anything other than the ache in my stomach.
When I finally stop, my body is shining with exertion. I walk over to my bag and pull out my water, collapsing onto the grass after the first three swallows. I lay there, staring up at the sky, thinking about absolutely nothing, and it is wonderful. My chest rises and falls heavily, trying to reclaim some sort of steady rhythm.
I have learned that this helps me when I’m overthinking my scars. I just have to get up and physically run from the negativity, and soon after I’m back to normal.
It’s been two whole months since I last wore any bracelets. The only thing adorning my wrists is the occasional hair tie. With this success in mind and effective coping methods in place, I finally feel ready to do what I’m about to do.
I pull out my phone and log into Lulu’s boutique. I open my cart and gaze at the beautiful dress I put there: A long mermaid style — slightly different from the one I wore and loved at the fitting, but in ways I never knew I’d love. The sweetheart neckline has a stunning lacey addition that gracefully goes up to my neck with a dainty design. It is still sleeveless, but the lace part covers my chest scar in a way that makes me feel confident and beautiful. I figure I can allow myself baby steps — arms bare, chest covered — that way I won’t be overthinking both sets of scars on my actual day. I will be free to feel like a lovely bride.
I take a deep breath and hit the “buy” button.
___
Thank you! Your order has been processed!
___
I smile, almost squealing with delight. This happiness that came from finding my identity elsewhere … nothing can match it. Not any physical person or thing. The void inside me has been filled with something bigger than temporary pleasures, and It feels infinite. It feels like joy.
With so many wedding details coming together, I find myself finally getting excited for May.
As I pass by Kaya’s house on my way home from the gym, I see the flowers we planted together are in full bloom. The purposefully drooping white blooms of Snowdrop flowers and the cheerful blue bunches of Early Scilla poke through the clean sheet of snow, giving Kaya that “pop of color” she wanted.
I’ve actually been waiting to hear from her all day. After months of praying, everyone at A&B is on the edge of their seat awaiting her much anticipated news. When I walk through my door, the message finally arrives:
From: Kaya
Sent: 12/19/19
Time: 2:04 pm
Surgery successful! This girl is cancer free!”
____________
45
Grace
Five months later ...
I fuss with the sash of my floor-length dress, trying to tie it so it flatters my bump. It’s harder than I thought, so Rae’s mother comes over to help me. Somehow, she ties it beautifully, in a way that makes me look like a model for a maternity magazine. I thank her with a smile and reach down to buckle my beige shoes, but I can’t reach them either. I eye Ms. Brooks with an apologetic smile and she chuckles, coming over to help with them too.
“You’re so beautiful, child. I’ve never seen someone carry their pregnancy so gracefully.”
I don’t feel like that’s true, but I just wink at her, “It’s all in the name.”
The door to the bathroom slowly creaks open and both of our heads turn. Out walks Rae in the most gorgeous white mermaid gown. It looks like it was made for her.
“Oh …” Ms. Brooks places a hand to her heart and her face submits to a tearful smile, “There’s my baby girl.”
Rae smiles, “Stop it, mom, no crying.”
A tear falls down her face anyway, “You’re just so stunning.”
They envelope each other in a tight squeeze.
“Hold it, missy!” Rosie says, emerging from the bathroom with a tube of mascara.
Rae laughs, “No, Rosie, it’s enough already!”
She comes anyway, “You asked me to do your makeup. Now do you trust me or not?”
Rae rolls her eyes and bends down for Rosie to swipe it over her lashes a few more times.
“There,” she says, �
�Perfect!”
Rae looks in the mirror and her lips part. She brings her fingertips to her face.
“Wow,” she breathes.
I go over next to her and smile at us both in the mirror, “You do look gorgeous.”
She smiles, “I don’t think I’ve looked this good in my life.”
“It’s your wedding day!” Rosie says, “That’s how you should feel.”
Rosie went with a look that’s unquestionably “Rae” — natural with just the slightest bit of glitz for the occasion.
There’s a knock on our door.
“Come in!” we sing.
In steps Rae’s dad, decked out in his military attire per Rae’s request.
“Oh,” He says, eyes falling on her.
Rae steps forward, looking down at her dress and then up at her dad, “What do you think?”
He shakes his head, looking her up and down with a smile, “I think you’re the most beautiful bride I’ve seen since your mother.”
Livia steps into the room with her beige bridesmaid dress, “Does that mean I’ve been removed from that position?”
Rae laughs as her dad kisses Livia on the head, “You both are the best things I’ve ever done,” Then he looks at his wife, “My three treasures.”
He opens his arms wide and they all go in for a group hug. It warms my heart to see. I can only hope I make a family like this for my baby girl.
They all separate and Mr. Brooks looks at Rae, “You ready to do this?”
She takes a deep, catchy breath, “Is it that time?”
He nods, “We’re ready to line up.”
She closes her eyes and breathes out. With a nod, she says, “Okay, I’m ready.”
As we all line up, I can feel how special this is going to be. Having been let in on Rae’s final goal for her and Adam as an engaged couple — to be abstinent until this very day — I can’t imagine how elated they must feel for having truly lived up to their goal. Today is the day it all becomes worth it. Not only are they becoming one, but from here on out, there’ll be no more guilt about sex. Everything is approved of and even encouraged by God to promote their oneness.
The processional music starts up — “Long Ships”, by Enya, and we all begin walking. As I make my way up the lush, grassy aisle, I feel slightly self-conscious about my bump, but then I catch sight of Liam and he blows me a kiss.
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