by Tina Beckett
“Jen-Jen’s middle name is changing, though. I’m so sorry, Hollee. Clancy told me something that I didn’t want to believe.”
A chill washed through her, raising bumps along her arms. So he’d told Ava but not her? Wait, but Ava had been going to name the baby after Jacob, so she had to have found out recently.
“I think I know what you’re going to say, and I already know. When did he tell you?”
“Just before Jen-Jen was discharged from the hospital.”
“Before...” Which meant Ava had known before she and Clancy had made love that first time. Before they’d left for Bender. And he’d still kept it from her, even as they’d been intimate.
“Clancy told me you didn’t know. He made me promise not to say anything.”
“I wish he hadn’t. I can’t believe he didn’t try to contact me. Not once. All this time, I thought that Jacob was...” She shut her eyes. “I deserved to know. I felt like such a fool when I finally found out.”
“Which probably explains why Clancy is suddenly so set on getting back into the army. Did you guys have a fight?”
“You could say that.” She wasn’t about to tell her that she and her brother had slept together. On more than one occasion.
Ava leaned forward and laid a hand on her arm. “Listen, Hollee, we can talk about Jen-Jen and all the other stuff later. I don’t want to pry, but Clancy cares about you. Probably more than you realize.”
Did it matter? He’d joked about lying being a sin when he’d been maintaining the biggest lie of all, allowing her to think Jacob was someone he wasn’t.
She couldn’t think of anything to say, and maybe Ava took that as her cue to continue. “I am pretty sure he cared about you even before you and Jacob started dating. But I know my brother well enough to know that he wasn’t going to step between you and his best friend. I think Jacob probably had a hand in that.”
“You’re wrong. Clancy dated pretty hot and heavy back then. He had a new girlfriend almost every week. He cared about me as a friend and that was it.”
Ava stretched her legs out, crossing them at the ankles. The leggings she wore were also Christmas themed. “I remember his dating life suddenly going on hiatus for a few weeks before it picked up again. I’m pretty sure it was just before you went out with Jacob that first time.”
Clancy had told her that kissing her had been a mistake. She’d been so hurt and angry, that when Jacob had asked her out, she’d accepted his invitation. The more she’d seen how easy it was for Clancy to slide in and out of relationships, the more she realized she did not want a man like that. And so what had started out as a revenge date had morphed into an “I want a man like this, and not that” manifesto. She’d convinced herself that she loved Jacob, but maybe she’d been in love with the idea of what he represented. Someone who’d been happy to remain monogamous. Only he hadn’t been, according to Clancy.
“Does it matter?”
“Not to me. But someday it might to you.” She uncrossed her legs and climbed to her feet, a batch of reindeer bracelets clanking together at her wrist. “I’m his sister. I know him. And I’m telling you, that man is hurting right now. And that’s all I’m going to say on that matter. I just thought you should know.”
“Thank you.” She hugged her friend and then headed for the door. There was no sense in being angry with Ava. None of this had anything to do with her. But it did give her a lot to think about.
Had she been rash in walking out of that cabin before they’d finished talking? Possibly. But she wasn’t sure what to do about it now.
Clancy had told her that kissing her had been a mistake ten years ago, and he’d told her the very same thing two weeks ago. And she’d believed him. Both times.
But what if he’d been lying?
Maybe she should be focusing on that rather than on his choices from a long time ago. She’d hurled a lot of hurtful words at him. Had she expected him to just stand there and take it, and then start whimpering about how sorry he was? No. That was not how that proud, bull-headed man’s brain worked.
And she’d been pretty bull-headed herself.
So what was she going to do about it?
First thing, she was going to call the army and see if he actually had re-enlisted. And if she found him and he refused to listen to her?
The thought sent a river of regret streaming through her.
If he wouldn’t, then she was going to have to accept that whatever had happened between her and Clancy was over and done with. And there was absolutely nothing she could do about it.
* * *
Hollee arrived in front of her house feeling like her mind was full of sludge, much like what that ATV had traversed that day in Bender. Only she wasn’t up to wading through it right now.
The last shift at the hospital had been stressful and busy, and Ava’s words had sent a spear through her heart. Right now she just wanted to crawl into bed with her dog. Only Tommie missed Gordy. She hadn’t whined or barked, but she did sit in front of the door listening for any sounds. And when she did hear something, she cocked her head and inched closer, tail thumping on the floor in the entryway. But it was never Clancy and Gordy.
Putting her key in the lock, she went in and closed the door behind her.
Tommie wasn’t there to greet her, which was odd. “Hey, girl,” she called out. “I’m home.”
Still nothing. A chill settled over her. Tommie was still fairly young, but with the problem she’d had with her eye, anything could have happened. Dropping her purse onto the entry table, she hurried into the living room, only to stop short.
A huge Christmas tree rested in the spot where Tommie’s pillow normally sat. Okay, unless she was in the wrong house or hallucinating, that shouldn’t be there. She hadn’t put up a tree this year because of the trip. And when she’d arrived home she hadn’t really been in a good place emotionally. So...
And then she looked closer and her mouth dropped open. The decorations on the tree looked eerily similar to the ones from Bender. But only the people who had been there knew about those. Was Kristen having a joke at her expense? Or trying to cheer her up? If so, it wasn’t working.
“Kristen? Are you here?”
“She’s not.” A form stepped from behind the tree. “But I am.”
“Clancy?” The buzzing of a million thoughts roved her brain, looking for some kind of logical explanation before settling on one thing. “Where are the dogs? And how did you get in?”
“Your mom, on both counts. They’re staying the night with her.”
“For the night. My mom...?” Her mother was in on whatever this was? Didn’t she know that Hollee’s heart was about to split in two? “I normally spend Christmas at their house.”
“I know. Let’s talk about that later, though. Will you come and sit with me?”
In a daze, she went to the couch and eased onto it, only to have Clancy sit right beside her. A small remote appeared in his hand and the tree suddenly lit up, its multicolored lights seeming to shift and change as the seconds ticked by in silence. Clear plastic strips dangled from the tree, just like the soda-bottle icicles one of the kids had made. And there was a garland...made of odds and ends of hardware.
She stared at it. “How...? Where...? That garland...”
“I made another trip to Bender two days ago. Randy’s dad let me raid his found-items bucket, which is now a fifty-five-gallon drum, since everyone is eager to help him with the building project.”
“You went there?” She turned to look at him. “But why?”
“I’ll tell you, but first I need to apologize. For keeping the truth about Jacob from you.”
“Even Ava knew.” A new wave of hurt washed over her.
“Not until she chose Jay for Jen-Jen’s middle name.”
“You still should have told me. A long time ago. When I
could have done something about it.”
“I would have, if Jacob didn’t come clean to you.”
She frowned. “But he didn’t.”
“I know. He told me he would, but he didn’t get the chance. His chopper crashed before he came off deployment.” He turned to look at the tree. “And once I knew for certain he was dead, when should I have told you? While we were standing over his grave at the cemetery?”
She saw his point. “If Jacob had lived and refused to tell me—”
“I would have outed him. I told him I would, and he had no doubt that I would follow through.”
Glancing back at the tree, she was amazed at how closely he’d replicated the one from Bender. And he’d done it all while she’d been at work.
Ava had told her something else, and she could only move forward if she knew the truth. “You kissed me once. A long time ago.”
“I know.”
“But then...all those girls. You couldn’t change them out fast enough.”
“I think you can probably guess why. Jacob told me he loved you and the last thing you needed was someone like me messing up your life. Well, he didn’t say it in so many words, but I knew myself well enough to know it was true. Jacob was on the fast track to success, while I was too busy having fun and cutting every corner I could find. So before I got the chance to fulfill his prophesy... I bowed out.” He shrugged. “Was it the right decision? I don’t know. What I can tell you is that I am not the same person I was back then.”
“So what you said about it being a mistake?” Suddenly all the pieces slid into place, and she knew Ava’s timeline statement was right on the mark. And maybe Jacob had even known what had gone on between them. It had always seemed like such a coincidence that he’d asked her outright as Clancy had seemingly cast her aside. But she would never really know her late husband’s motivation.
“That kiss was a mistake. But not for me. For you.”
Her heart clutched inside her and she chose her next words carefully. “And all those girls?”
“A smokescreen. And, no, I haven’t been on a date...a real date...in a couple of years.” He put his hands on her shoulders and turned her toward him. “If Jacob had never convinced me of how wrong I was for you, and if I’d asked you out, what would you have said?”
She sensed this was important. Very important. “I would have said yes, Clancy. I was ready to say yes. But you never gave me that chance.”
“I know that now.”
The time to be angry about the past was over. She could either sit here and fume and push him away, or she could try to understand the thought processes of a very young man who had just been reaching adulthood. Wasn’t there a wise man who’d said that the greatest show of love was when someone laid down his life for his friends? Clancy hadn’t laid down his life, but he had sacrificed himself. For her. And from the way Ava had talked, it had been a pretty big sacrifice.
“The past belongs to the past, time to make a new beginning.”
“What?”
“Just something someone once found in a fortune cookie.” And something she needed to take to heart.
He was here to tell her something important. The tree was the key to it, since he’d taken the time to replicate it.
She touched his face and gestured toward the tree. “Tell me why you did this.”
“I messed up ten years ago. I wanted to make sure I didn’t mess up again.” He captured her hand. “Those kids in Bender made a huge impact on me, especially Randy and his dad. The way he said he was going to rebuild that town using the items he’d collected from the rubble of the past. So this is me, letting these things symbolize our past and hopefully using them to build a future. Our future. I love you, Hollee.”
Had he really just said that?
“Ava said you cared. But I didn’t think... I heard you were rejoining the military.”
“I almost did, and then I realized it would be one more mistake to add to my list.”
She laughed. “We could have a debate about who’s made more of them, but now isn’t the time.”
“No, it’s not.”
“So you’re not in the military?”
He squeezed her hand. “No. My commanding officer told me to go home and not to come back until I’d thought long and hard about it. So this is me, thinking long and hard.”
Her eyes watered. “Then please don’t go. Not this time.”
Wrapping his arms around her, he pulled her against his chest. And the rightness of that was almost overwhelming. Hot tears splashed onto her cheeks, running into his shirt when she thought about all they’d lost. But more than that, about what they stood to gain by finally making things right.
“I was hoping you’d say that. I tried to show you with the tree, wanted it to be our starting point. As long as you love me back.”
“I do. I realized I loved you when you gave your stethoscope to Randy. I may have even loved you ten years ago, but I was so young. Too young to really know my own heart.”
He kissed her tears away and then slid his arm around her shoulders. “I want this garland to grow. To come to represent our lives. Good moments and bad, with us adding something to it every year until we’re both old and gray and this string stretches for miles with the things that make us...us.”
He pulled a tiny box from his pocket, and Hollee clapped a hand over her mouth.
Snapping open the top, he revealed a ring, one that was very different from the ornate band Jacob had given her. Instead it was a ruby, her birthstone, set in a plain band of white gold. “I know it’s not a traditional diamond but—”
“It’s perfect, Clancy. So very perfect.”
His eyes met hers, the brown irises glowing in a way she’d never seen before. “Does that mean you’ll marry me and help me add to our Christmas tree? And maybe even our family tree?”
Family...
“You want to have...”
“Children? Yes.”
Her eyes closed, and the joy that had been slowly expanding in her chest was eclipsed by a huge burst of love for this man. They’d both made mistakes, but she wasn’t going to make one now. There was only one possible answer to his question. “Yes, Clancy. Oh, yes.”
He kissed her, his mouth seeking, asking in a way that needed no words. And she answered him in the same way.
And when he got up from the couch and swung her into his arms, walking with purposeful strides toward the back of her house, she laughed. “I see we’re wasting no time in this family endeavor.”
“We’re not. Because the dogs are at your mom’s house, but they’ll be back tomorrow morning. And if we have that little addition I mentioned earlier, this may be the only time we’re truly alone for many, many years.”
She took one last look at the tree with its garland and wound her arms around his neck. Maybe that tree would never come down. Maybe she would teach their children what it meant, so that they too would grow up with a sense of wonder, knowing anything was possible.
If they just loved hard enough to make it happen.
EPILOGUE
HOLLEE HELD OUT her arms for her new baby girl. Somehow it was fitting that she had been born on Christmas Eve. She and Clancy had just sat down to enjoy the falling snow with glasses of eggnog—his with rum, hers without—when she’d felt a sharp twinge. And then another. Soon they’d been coming with enough frequency that there was no ignoring them.
And Clancy, who was normally as solid as a rock, had done the cute New Dad Shuffle as he’d fumbled to grab her overnight bag and call Hollee’s mom to ask her to check on the dogs. In between laughing at his impatience when she’d tried to catch snowflakes on her tongue and the care he’d taken with making sure she hadn’t slipped on the way into the hospital, she’d watched him with a sense of wonder and love that only grew deeper each day.
Her parents and Clancy’s mom hadn’t been nearly as shocked by the news that they were getting married as she’d expected them to be. Instead, they’d celebrated with them, even when Hollee had insisted on having an intimate ceremony with a justice of the peace and close family only. Her first wedding had been a lavish affair that had felt wrong in so many ways. She’d grieved about not confronting Clancy about that kiss being a mistake when it had counted the most. But Clancy had told her to let it go, that they’d both done what they’d thought was right at the time. Love had won in the end, and that was all that mattered.
And it was a good lesson to teach their baby. Or babies. Clancy wanted one more, and since she’d thought she’d never have even one, she was thrilled.
And they would all make a pilgrimage to Bender, Virginia, as soon as they were able to. She wanted to visit Randy and help where she could.
Her husband perched on the side of the bed as the nurses cleared away the labor equipment. He leaned over and kissed her forehead. “Well, first Jen-Jen and now our Elissa Marie. My mom is getting two grandchildren in a little over a year.”
“And my parents are getting their first. They’re thrilled. Have you called them yet?”
“Right after I caught my breath, yes. But I asked everyone to wait about an hour before arriving en masse. I want you two all to myself for a little while. And you need to get some rest.”
She reached up and touched his face, sliding her fingers over those beloved scars. She held off his frown by whispering, “They’re sexy. And I love you.”
“You’re changing the subject.”
“There’ll be plenty of time to sleep. I’m so afraid I’ll wake up and find out this is all a dream.”
Just then Elissa let out a howl that threatened to take down the hospital.
Clancy laughed. “Definitely not a dream.”
“Yes, it is. But as long as it’s happening while I’m awake, it’s okay.”
Hollee had left the Christmas tree up all year and, true to what they’d said, they’d added their first piece to the garland, a hand-carved Santa to represent that day at the hospital when they’d both realized something special was happening between them. Clancy had actually insisted on having the picture of them from the newsletter framed, editing poor Kristen right out of the shot.
