As soon as it crosses my mind, my chest caves and I lean back against the couch. Focusing on what I got from the waiter at the restaurant is impossible. I’m supposed to be using the duplicated ID badge to gain access to Nexus Lab from the inside to dig up dirt on Jacqueline. Every time I try, I circle back to Maisy, as inevitable as the shifting tides of the ocean I miss so much.
And her.
Because I still miss her.
“Pathetic bastard,” I murmur to the industrial walls surrounding me.
Something did hit me hard earlier tonight while standing outside the restaurant. For the last ten years I’ve formed my vendetta around the entire Landry family. I punished Holden and Maisy as ruthlessly as I want to go after their parents. But as I had her chin grasped in my fingers and stared them down, everything sharpened with clarity.
The real problem has always been Richard and Jaqueline. Not my old friends.
I’ve been so stubborn and sure of my grudge against the entire family that I might have sabotaged my own efforts to bring them down. Instead of wasting my time with the schoolyard shit I came at Maisy with and the strings Colt helped me pull with Holden’s college football draft, I should’ve been focusing all my attention on the two people who actually had a hand in this.
Hating Maisy for breaking her promise was the old pain of a kid broken by loss and torn away from the only friends I had.
I swallow past the lump in my throat and rub at the burning sensation in my chest.
Without being clouded by anger and anguish, I’m able to think back on the day I found the wild daisy for her and took her to the garage. I remember how much I wanted to learn to ride dad’s Harley as fast as I could and imagined all the places I would drive Maisy. We had so many adventures planned, including the most important thing I promised her.
I’m going to marry you someday.
I swipe my fingers over my mouth and let the old love I felt for her crash with the love it’s grown into in the background, behind every intensely passionate thought I’ve ever had toward her.
Hate. Love. Betrayal. Longing.
The secrets of this town tore into the path we were set on, but somehow it couldn’t fully destroy how deeply connected I am to her. If I told her that, she’d probably have a name for it, like fate or destiny. My mouth curves into a lopsided smile as I picture scoffing and telling her fate was for fantasy stories.
Knowing now that she never meant to hurt me makes a sludge-like sense of guilt settle deep in my gut. I’ve been such an asshole to her. I hunted her for sport, like the psychotic bastard I’ve honed myself into, put my hands on her, and sabotaged her grades and social standing. I wanted her to hurt and I made it happen, driving her fear and tears when she’s been resilient against my efforts to take her life apart. All because she’s fucking brave and wanted nothing more than to earn my friendship back.
My throat works on an uncomfortable gulp. I don’t like the feeling creeping through my veins as I consider all the horrible things I’ve done and said to her. It makes what I told her tonight ring more true—we can’t get back what we had because I’m afraid to trust her, but also because I can’t look at myself in the mirror for what I’ve done to her for the sake of revenge.
I rub my face and release a sigh, sagging deeper into the aged leather of my second-hand couch. I do want to accept her apology. It’s lifted a solid weight off my shoulders and I finally feel like I can breathe easier without every breath being tinged with so much darkness.
But some part of me still hesitates. Once trust is broken, it’s hard to heal it. Even if I want to erase it with her apology, the withered parts of my heart are wary, more comfortable behind thick walls of impenetrable stone to remain hardened. It’s the only way to protect it from reliving the pain.
Instead, I need to do what I said I would—stay the fuck away from Maisy. She can go on with her life, and I’ll keep living this half-formed existence, destined to spend my days missing the girl who makes my heart feel like it could beat without hurting. I’m no good for her.
Decision made, I turn my attention to the information on my laptop leading me to a shipping warehouse. I have work to do and it’s time to stop hesitating. Jacqueline and Richard will pay for what they’ve done.
Twenty
Maisy
Healing a broken heart is impossible, but self-care keeps me going. I throw myself into my routine. That means plenty of yoga, face masks with the girls, and hanging out with the rest of our friends at Thea’s apartment when I’m allowed out. Plus I spend time centering myself in nature when I can convince Holden to go on a hike. A nightly session with Sir Good Vibes helps to blow off steam and I totally don’t picture calloused hands running over my skin. Absolutely not.
It all recharges me, but I’m still trying to find a way to breathe without Fox again.
He doesn’t think we can even be friends. It’s worse than the first time I lost him, because now I know why he couldn’t even look at me when he first came back. This time he wasn’t ripped away from me, he made the tear himself.
I haven’t seen him in days. He never showed for finals and hasn’t come to any of the graduation ceremony practices.
After what he said to me, I didn’t bother looking through the medical journals Devlin dropped off a few days ago. They’ve been sitting by my rolled up yoga mat in the corner of my bedroom, mocking me. Instead of reading them myself, I want to give them to him, but first I’d have to pin the stubborn elusive jerk down to offer them to him.
As predicted, I caught a load of shit for running off from the restaurant and causing an unwanted scene for my parents the other night. Since Fox left me there alone, I called Holden to come pick me up. I’ve never seen Dad look so mad. He was livid, more angry than Mom, who regarded me with a cool and dispassionate look the minute I walked through the door. She didn’t even bother berating me, like I expected, simply announced that the road trip was off the table again. I stood there grinding my teeth, quelling the desire to stand up to her as she informed me that if I didn’t get my impulsive, childish urges under control then she’d send me to a private disciplinary school that specializes in rehabilitating troubled brats of the influential and wealthy instead of the college they made me apply to. The admissions paperwork was already completed. I wanted to call bullshit, but the threat in her empty gaze was very real. After she was satisfied with my stunned silence, she spun on her heel and went into her office.
Then Dad tore into me for putting myself in danger for a solid twenty minutes. He wouldn’t hear any of my arguments in Fox’s favor or that the most danger I was in was stubbing a toe in the dark. He’s the one who decided I wouldn’t be leaving the house except for school and my yoga classes, and that I couldn’t go anywhere on my own. I’m not even allowed to do my volunteer shift at the library. Dad made me pick—yoga or reading to the kids, and as much as I love their little faces, I need yoga or I go crazy from bottling up my energy every day.
The reminder of their ability to control my life stung.
It could’ve been worse. They could’ve actually shipped me off to the mysterious disciplinary school. I’m at least glad that Holden is my new warden, escorting me everywhere now that his summer class is over for the summer. He told me he feels bad, so he’s been far more lenient than my parents expect. If they had hired a bodyguard, like they threatened before, I definitely couldn’t have pulled sibling sympathy for an easier time. My brother doesn’t say anything when I spend half our time together with my nose glued to the map app on my phone, dropping points for where I want to go on my road trip.
I’m biding my time until the moment is right to make my move.
On the day of graduation, I’m one step closer to freedom. I just have to get through the ceremony, then I’m hitting the road. Mom can threaten me all she wants, but there’s no way I’m letting her send me to a disciplinary school. The cage they’ve kept me in for so many years is becoming too much, suffocating the wings I need to spread
. An itch crawls across my skin, growing worse by the day.
“Stop fidgeting and stand up straight,” Mom hisses so no one else will hear her perfectionist nagging.
We’re standing off to the side of the school on the path that splits to lead to the football field, surrounded by a sea of green and white graduation gowns that match the one I’m sweating in and the families of the graduating class.
It’s my high school graduation and I feel…nothing.
Shouldn’t I care more? I can’t find any reason to. Thinking back on my last four years, I’m troubled by how little of my own interests I’ve explored. My senior year was a complete bust. The only bright spots are the times I spent with my friends when they were still here with me before they graduated, and the only memories worth reliving that give me a thrill are the times Fox was focused on me.
“The ceremony hasn’t even started yet,” Holden says. I shoot him a grateful smile and he winks. “Give her a break for five minutes, Ma.”
“Like the break I’ve given you, Holden?” Mom says sharply. “It’s been such an awfully long break.”
He clenches his jaw at the reminder he’s missed the mark on how high she expected him to jump by ending up at a public community college. A few people glance our way curiously and Mom’s spine goes ramrod straight while she plasters on her CEO smile.
“We’re so proud of you,” Dad says.
Really, I want to ask skeptically, even though I didn’t make Valedictorian? As if she can hear my thoughts, Mom’s mouth pinches.
“Thanks, Dad.”
“Well, at least you’re graduating. We would have liked to see you earn the top spot in your class.” She speaks out of the side of her mouth as she nudges me toward the group of students lining up by one of the teachers. “It’s disappointing that you’ve deviated so much from what your goals were.”
I couldn’t hide my grades when she has a rule about keeping her updated with them, but I’m not even that annoyed anymore at Fox for messing with my class rank. It’s just a grade, so what’s the big deal? My life isn’t over or ruined because I got an A minus instead of an A plus. It took a deep meditation session to come to that realization and once I did the weight lifted from my shoulders, leaving me lighter. I should thank him for making me face it.
“Valedictorian wasn’t ever something I’d pick for myself anyway,” I mutter.
Mom flashes a severe look that warns me to back up. They’re all your goals, I want to snap, but I drag in a measured breath and let it the fuck go. Just make it through the ceremony, I remind myself. Then I can finally get a break from their dog and pony show.
“We’ll meet you after, sweetheart,” Dad says. “We’ll be cheering for you.”
They leave with Holden to find seats with the rest of the families heading for the football stands.
Fox still isn’t here. My brows draw together and my heart gives a pained little pinch. I don’t know if his number of absences this year disqualified him from being able to walk in the graduation ceremony, but I was hoping to see him.
I’m still hurt that he could give up so easily on friendship, or the fiery thing building between us. When I’m around him, he makes me feel safe, despite being a stubborn asshole. He’s always seen my wild side without telling me to tone it down. He’s the only person who makes me feel alive and I want him in my life, no matter what that looks like. After the initial despair from my shattered heart dulled, a new grief formed a pit in my stomach.
My fingertips find the old braided leather and smooth stones of my bracelet.
Fox shouldn’t have to do what he’s doing alone. I want to help. If I can do that, maybe it will be enough to make amends for breaking my promise. Even if I was just a kid, it’s been eating at me that I had any part in hurting his family or him.
My thoughts continue to drift as I follow the rest of my classmates into the school to line up like we did yesterday in practice. Glancing at the rows of lockers and classrooms as we’re led through the hallways, sadness trickles through me. My parents might be proud, but can I say the same thing?
High school should be a time where I started to learn who I could be. I should’ve been making memories and discovering my own voice. It’s the chance to start to explore independence and shape my values and goals in life. But I didn’t get to do any of that.
A boy bumps into me that I don’t even know and it only makes me regret that we never got the chance to be friends. I frown and mumble an apology that he waves off, picking up his animated conversation with his buddies.
If I could do it all over again, without all the rules and pressure to perform in the precise way my parents wanted, what would I have picked for myself?
As soon as I think about it, I’m hit with a realization that almost brings me to my knees. Air rushes past my lips and I clutch the polyester gown hanging off my shoulders. Someone gives me a funny look, but I barely register it.
Mom and Dad haven’t just controlled me for years to make sure I follow a life plan they set out for me—I let them. I helped them by not fighting back hard enough. I gave in and went along, strangling my impulsive urges and curtailing every whim I’ve ever had.
Whims are for children and you’re a grown woman now.
Mom’s favorite criticism fills my head. Funny how I could be a grown woman but also still be treated like a kid by my parents. Whatever manipulation they had to pull to keep me in line, doing what they thought was best for me—what made them look good—was fair game to them.
How many times have I cut away pieces of myself in order to do what I’ve been told so I’d be seen as this perfect goody-goody?
Big parts and small, ones that didn’t seem noticeable and ones that hurt to shave away from who I really am. Everything from not dying my hair a fun color to only picking classes they wanted me to take, instead of choir and women’s history and a rock climbing elective introduced last year—because anything I wanted wasn’t as important as maintaining the path they wanted me on. I did it to keep the peace, in the hope I’d one day be granted the reward to take control of my own life. I did it because deep down, I didn’t want to disappoint them if my good behavior was the only reason they paid attention to me.
Because I was afraid.
I put myself in my cage as much as my parents did. That needs to end.
My throat closes as I glance through the open doors to the stands where families are seated, trying to search for my parents and my brother.
The ceremony is about to start. My fellow graduating classmates stand with me in line, waiting to be led out onto the football field on a bright, sunny summer day.
I’m supposed to be here. Expected to. But this is not where I want to be right now.
Time to stop pretending to be the good girl. That was never me.
“Where are you going? We’re about to start,” Jenna Taylor says when I step out of line.
I glance over my shoulder at her. This is the first time she’s ever spoken to me directly. She’s the mayor’s daughter, the one that threw the party Fox was at two months ago. It feels like a million years ago now. I was so jealous when he took her upstairs. The emotion swept through me like an angry tide, overtaking me to the point I just couldn’t stand by and take his crap anymore because that wasn’t who I was. I guess I should thank this girl for pushing me to find my backbone.
“I have to go to the bathroom,” I lie. “Be right back.”
She pulls a face. “Don’t you care if you miss the beginning? This is like, your thing.”
“What is?”
“School. Smart nice girl shit? I don’t know, you’ve always seemed like a huge priss since you never partied all four years here and only focused on school.”
I lift a brow. “Assume much?” Hitching a shoulder, I gaze past her at the other students in line. Most of them don’t know the real me and never bothered to look beyond my reputation or the rumors. “If you’d ever taken the time to talk to me, you’d know that isn’t me
at all.” Her brows jump up and an embarrassed blush creeps across her cheeks. I wave a hand. “I’m pretty glad this is all over. I don’t actually care about any of this, or missing the beginning.”
Or missing the entire pointless thing, I think as I leave to sneak off campus.
As much as I want to smash out of my imaginary cage and take what I want—hitchhiking if I have to—there’s something more important I have to do first. Someone more important.
Once I make it around the corner to the side hall that leads to a terrace, I fish out my phone and text my brother. He drove separately from me and our parents, so he’s my only hope of getting out of here in a hurry.
Maisy: Meet me at the courtyard by the north building.
Holden: Uh, that’s not the football field. Why, what are you doing? Are you okay?
Maisy: I’ll tell you when you get here. Hurry!
Holden: Fine, on my way.
I blow out a relieved breath and lean against an Aspen tree. It doesn’t take Holden long to arrive. I ignore his confused expression and rush over to him.
“Holy shit, are you okay?” he blurts as I grab his arms. He cups my elbows to balance me. “Isn’t the ceremony about to start?”
“Yes, fine,” I say in a hurry. “Forget about the ceremony and give me your keys.”
His grip on my elbows tightens. “Why?”
I hang my head back and swallow my annoyance. I don’t have time to explain this, but he’s never going to help me if I don’t give him something.
“There’s no requirement that says I have to walk in the ceremony. I’d rather go hang out at Thea’s bakery instead of go through all the stuffy traditions.”
Holden gives me a flat expression. “Right,” he drawls. “Except, I totally recognize the look on your face. Cough up what you’re not telling me, or I’m not giving you shit.”
I sigh. “Holden.”
Savage Wilder: Dark New Adult High School Bully Romance (Sinners and Saints Book 4) Page 17
