The whole time, little Gracie Anne watched her, studied her. And so Elise memorized the moment, held on to it. This would be the only time she would ever sing over her daughter. Every single second was etching itself into her heart and soul.
When the song ended, a flash from her nightmare about Randy came to mind. She didn’t want to worry about him ever being a threat to their baby girl’s life. It was another reason the adoption made sense. She didn’t want any connection with Randy. Not ever again.
Elise could hear the soft steps of the nurse as she approached her room. A final thought hit her as she held her baby close. Gracie Anne looked just like her, like the baby picture her mother had texted her a few weeks ago. Dark hair, high cheekbones. Elise ran her finger over her baby’s forehead. “Little princess.”
The nurse entered the room and came closer. Slowly. Like she didn’t want to rush the moment for Elise. But Elise was ready.
She held her baby girl to her face, cheek to cheek once more, and whispered so only her daughter could hear. “I will never, ever forget you, Gracie Anne.” She kissed her head, her velvet-soft face. “I love you, baby girl.”
That was all she could take. She would collapse to the floor if the goodbye lasted any longer. “Please.” She looked up at the nurse. “Take her.”
There were no words from the nurse. What could either of them say? The older woman bent down and took the beautiful baby from her arms. Elise couldn’t stand to watch her leave, so she closed her eyes. Squeezed them shut as tight as she could.
Though she had known this moment would be hard, she’d wanted it anyway. Wanted to talk to her daughter and tell her goodbye. Sing to her. But she hadn’t expected this ache, this very deep hurt that came from her heart and radiated down her empty arms. The only reason she could keep breathing was because she knew the truth. Her decision to say goodbye wasn’t yet final.
Not for two weeks.
• • •
THEO SET THE car seat down in the private office on the first floor of the hospital and took the chair next to his wife.
“I still can’t believe this.” Alma looked wide-eyed, like everything about the moment might only be a dream.
“That Vienna would push us to take in foster babies the hour before she went to heaven.” Theo shook his head. “And now . . . here we are.”
“You’re sure, right?” She looked at him. “You can handle this? Knowing that she has to leave us so soon.”
Theo didn’t blink, didn’t look away. He could feel the heartache in his eyes, the one that would be with him as long as he lived. “Sometimes little girls leave too soon.” He smiled. “No one knows that like us.”
Tears filled Alma’s eyes and she nodded. “Yes.” She took a tissue from the desk and dabbed at her face. “I won’t cry. Hold me to that, Theo. I won’t cry. This is foster care. Help me remember.”
“Yes. I’ll help you.” He put his arm around her. “But some days we’ll have to help each other.”
Foster care came with certain rules and understandings. Loving a child was encouraged. Attachment was not. Most foster children were only placed in a home short-term. Always the goal was reunification with the parent.
But this case was so different. Theo’s voice fell. “I wonder if Mr. Green would’ve called us. If he’d known about Vienna.”
“Probably not.” Alma sniffed. She was finding her composure. Theo could see her making the effort. “But there’re no foster parents in all the state who will love this little girl like we will. Even for two weeks.”
“That’s right.”
As Theo finished speaking, the door opened and Mr. Green entered the room. He was with a nurse, who was pushing a tiny bassinet. Inside was a fair-skinned little girl swaddled in a white and pink blanket.
The attorney smiled. “This is Gracie Anne.”
Theo and Alma were on their feet. They moved slowly to the little bed and stared at the baby. Her precious face and eyes. The way the newborn girl was wrapped up tight brought back a million memories for Theo. Vienna had been born with dark skin and a full head of hair. So of course his own daughter had never looked like this white infant. But the familiarity of the moment tripped up Theo’s heart. He could feel it was the same way for Alma.
And for a moment he was back in 2004 and the baby in the bassinet was their daughter. Their Vienna.
They went over the details with the nurse, how much formula and how often. When to change the baby’s diaper and what to look for if jaundice developed. Theo and Alma had fostered more babies than he could count. They knew the routine.
Finally they were given permission to move the baby girl to the car seat. After she was strapped in, Theo pulled his car around and like that they were headed home. The two of them with the infant in the backseat. Theo glanced at Alma and then checked the rearview mirror. And he was consumed by a single thought.
Somewhere in heaven, Vienna was celebrating.
23
Ashley was going through the T-shirts in Cole’s middle drawer, enjoying the quiet, the way every item in his room reminded her of his growing-up years. Summer was almost over. The plan hadn’t changed, at least not yet. Cole was headed to Liberty in a couple days. It had been two weeks since Elise had her baby and so far she was still on board with the adoption.
One more folded shirt and Ashley heard Cole run up the stairs looking for her.
“Mom.” He stopped short, his eyes full of gratitude. “You didn’t have to do this. I told you I’d take care of it tomorrow.”
“Tomorrow, I’d rather have you spend time with the family. Your dad is grilling and we can play games. Just be together.” She let her eyes hold his a few beats longer. “In no time you’ll be gone.”
“I know.” His exhale sounded heavy. He came up beside her and looked through a stack of shirts. “I don’t wear any of these.”
“Exactly.” She smiled at him. “I figured I could put them in a box in your closet. You’d have an easier time packing and later—next summer—you could give the boxed ones away.”
He nodded. “I like that.” His tone held a certain depth, his countenance heavy.
Ashley understood. “You’re going to Elise’s?”
“Yes.” He hesitated. “Her aunt and uncle are out for the night. I told her I’d stay with her till midnight.”
“Right.” Ashley couldn’t imagine what Elise was going through. “The two weeks?”
“It’s officially up then. At that exact minute.” Cole folded his arms and looked at her. “All I know is I wouldn’t want to be her.”
Ashley set down another shirt and turned to him. “Do you think she’ll change her mind?”
“I don’t.” He clenched his jaw. “We’ve talked about it. She’s afraid the guy would still come around and try to be part of the baby’s life, even though he terminated his rights. So it’s a few things. The fact that she’s not ready to be a mom, the way she really wants to go to NYU and start her life. And the reality that she doesn’t want her baby anywhere near the father.”
Relief and heartache mixed in equal amounts in Ashley’s soul. She had come to really embrace Elise these last few months. Extending the same grace to the teenager that eighteen years ago had been extended to her. Her heart broke for Elise Walker.
But Ashley was beyond grateful that Cole wasn’t moving to Louisiana, wasn’t going to soldier through keeping a promise he hadn’t been mature enough to make in the first place.
Ashley didn’t have many more of these moments with her oldest son. But she had this. She held out her hands to Cole. “Let’s pray. For tonight. For Elise.” She hesitated. “For the two of you.”
Tears gathered in Cole’s eyes. “I can’t believe she’s flying to New York tomorrow morning.” He shrugged. “I’m not sure when I’ll see her again.”
It was that, too, of course. Tonight was goodbye for Cole and Elise. “Come on.” She took hold of her son’s hands. Then she prayed over the night, that Elise would know what
to do, and that she would follow God’s leading. And that Cole would have the words to say as they parted ways. That God would hold both of them in His caring hands. And that whatever His plans for Elise and Cole, they would hear God’s voice tonight.
When she was done, Cole hugged her, the way he used to hug her when he was a little boy. As if in her arms he was still safe and young and without a care in the world.
Even if that was no longer true.
Ashley watched him go and she looked at the time on her phone. Thirty-eight hours. That’s all they had left. From the first moment she held Cole in her arms as a baby through a lifetime of loving him, to this very day . . . in just thirty-eight hours he would pack up his Explorer and drive away. Ashley put her hand to her face and breathed in. Please, God, help me get through this. Please. There was still one thing Ashley wanted to do that morning. Something she planned to read to Cole before he drove off.
Her mother’s poem about the lasts.
If only Ashley could survive it.
• • •
THEY WERE FINISHING the best parts of Elise’s burned lasagna, and she was doing everything she could to keep things light.
“So, I guess art majors get a whole locker full of supplies. Right from the first day.” She picked through the charred noodles on her plate. “I’ll be painting every minute of the day. It’ll be hard to stop to eat.”
Cole raised a blackened bite in her direction. He grinned. “Especially if you make this.”
Elise laughed and the feeling washed over her like the summer sun. She was so tired of being sad. But she still had this day to get through. No doubt the hardest part was just ahead.
“How exactly did you get it this color?” Cole wore his Clear Creek baseball shirt and faded blue jeans. His face was tan from taking batting practice with his dad this past week. He dragged his fork through the casserole and a laugh slipped from his lips. “I mean, this is about as bad as I’ve seen.”
“I told you.” She shrugged, still laughing. Still loving how it felt. “I cooked it at four-fifty for three hours. Instead of three-fifty for one hour.”
“An easy mistake.” He chuckled harder. “I’m just glad you’re an art student.”
“Me, too.”
The conversation went on that way through dessert and cleanup. It was ten o’clock when they sat down in the living room and faced each other. She wanted to laugh with Cole tonight. It was the reason she had decided to make him dinner. Her cooking skills weren’t the best, so she knew they’d share a little humor over that. And they had.
Her aunt and uncle were out for the evening and Elise wanted to do something that would make tonight feel normal. Light and happy, the way she’d felt when she first met Cole. But now all the teasing about her dinner was as far in the past as every other beautiful moment she and Cole had ever shared.
The laughter had long since died.
“So.” Cole took her hand. He worked his fingers through hers. “How are you feeling?”
How was she supposed to answer him? She looked down at the place where their hands were joined. They should’ve said their goodbyes yesterday. Today was the end of the two weeks, of course. Such a sad day, already. And on top of that, now she would have to let go of Cole Blake.
She reached out and touched the dark key that hung around Cole’s neck. “I never asked you about this. It says ‘Blake.’ ” Her eyes found his again. “Why do you wear it?”
Cole sat up straighter. He took hold of the key and ran his thumb over his name. “It’s for my future wife.” His eyes had never looked sadder. “A gift for her.”
The truth hit Elise like a truck. She blinked a few times and nodded. With every breath, she fought to avoid crying. The key would never belong to her. It was one more thing she had lost in all this.
He was still looking at her, still waiting for an answer. How did she feel? She glanced up, stared into his beautiful pure blue eyes. “I could never put it into words, Cole. I feel . . . so much.”
He nodded. They took their time. As if the hour hand on the clock next to the TV wasn’t racing toward eleven. “I mean . . . about the baby.” He checked the time then turned back to her. “Are you having doubts?”
“Every minute.” It was the truth. As often as Elise drew a breath she was mindful that the decision was still hers. That she could change her mind. A heartbeat didn’t happen without her feeling her tiny daughter in her arms again.
“So . . . you might call Mr. Green?” Cole looked surprised. But his expression couldn’t have been more supportive. If she wanted to keep her baby, he would be first in line to congratulate her, to tell her she could do it.
Her mama would be second. Elise was sure of that.
“I don’t know, Cole.” Her doubts had nothing to do with keeping her baby or going through with the adoption. They weren’t because she didn’t feel supported by the people she loved. It was hard to explain.
“Take your time.” Cole’s words came as a whisper. His tan face and blond hair. The way his shoulders flexed with her hand in his. He had never looked more handsome.
She nodded. He was so kind to her. Even now. “I guess I’ll always wonder if I made the right choice. I mean . . . to see her.” She shifted her gaze to the ceiling, gathering her thoughts. Then she found his face again. “I held her. I looked into her eyes and kissed her cheek.” She paused. “After you went to get your car that day.” She kept her tears at bay again. “I’ll never forget that.”
Patience exuded from Cole. But she could see from his expression that he still didn’t get it. “So you’re not going to change your mind?”
“No.” She smiled. “I want Gracie Anne to have what I never had. Two parents from the beginning. A mama and daddy ready for a baby.” Nothing about this was easy. “No amount of support from my mom or you would change the one fact. I’m just not ready.”
Cole looked like he was processing that. After all, his mother had raised him without a father for his first few years. And Elise’s mother had done the same. All her life as a single parent. “Elise . . .” Cole’s voice was almost a whisper. “Are you sure?”
“I am.” Elise pressed her teeth together. “It’s still so hard.”
Something flickered in Cole’s eyes. Understanding. Like in light of all she’d just said, the idea of her going through with the adoption made more sense. He squeezed her hand. “But it’s what you want.” It wasn’t a question this time.
“Right.” She sniffed. “Gracie Anne deserves a better story than I can give her.” She let herself get lost in Cole’s eyes. “I believe that with all my heart.”
They were quiet for a while. Then they talked about Cole and his next few weeks at Liberty. He was going to try out for the baseball team, and based on the way he’d been hitting in his summer league games he felt good about his chances.
Elise understood. Cole was a different player than he’d been this past spring. When he was thinking he might be a father come August. The pressure wasn’t something he’d ever complained about. But it was there. That much was obvious.
“Maybe . . . you can come watch one of my games.” He faced her and took her other hand. “You know . . . if I make the team.”
“Yeah. Maybe.” Elise had expected him to say things like this. But she knew the truth. At Liberty, Cole would find someone like him. Someone good and true and pure, without the baggage Elise carried.
“I know what you’re thinking.” He leaned closer and put his hand alongside her face. “You think I’ll meet someone else and forget about you.”
No one had been able to read her the way he could. “It’s okay if you do.”
“I’m not planning on it.” He seemed careful not to make any promises. “It’s just . . . college, you know?”
Elise nodded. “I’ll be in New York and you’ll be in Virginia.” She remembered something. “Did I tell you they asked me to stay for the summer next year? I’ll work three art camps and make enough money to pay for on
e semester when my sophomore year starts.”
“Elise! That’s amazing!” A smile filled his face. “That’s my girl.”
Later when Elise looked back she knew she wouldn’t remember everything they’d talked about tonight or how the time went from ten o’clock to 11:55 so quickly. But she would remember forever the way Cole looked at her. The feel of his fingers between hers. The compassion in his voice.
Elise took a slow breath and glanced at the clock. “Five minutes.”
“Yes.” Cole kept his eyes on her. “You okay? You sure?”
“I am.” Elise had known every day for the past two weeks how she would spend these final minutes. She stood. “Can you hold me, Cole? Please?”
He was on his feet immediately. He took her in his strong arms and rocked her ever so slightly. The way they were standing, Elise could still see the clock. 11:56. The second hand raced past the three and on down to the six.
The way Elise wanted to spend these minutes was by simply remembering her, one more time. In the chair in the hospital room, her baby girl cradled in her arms, close to her heart. Her baby was still hers. Four more minutes. And once more she could feel the warm weight of her daughter, smell her skin and her infant breath.
Another glance. 11:58.
She was making the right decision. What she’d told Cole was the truth. Gracie Anne deserved a better life. Two parents who wanted a baby more than their next breath. And maybe one day decades from now she’d meet Aaron and Lucy, and she’d thank them. And she could tell Gracie Anne to her face how she had made this decision for one reason.
Out of the greatest love Elise had ever known.
11:59.
She could see it all again. Her baby girl opening her eyes, looking into Elise’s as if to tell her it was okay, this was the best decision. This was all going to be okay. Better than okay. And she was lifting her daughter to her face, brushing her cheek against her baby’s velvet-smooth skin. And the nurse was coming to get her and she was kissing the tiny infant’s face and her cheek.
Two Weeks: A Novel (The Baxter Family) Page 24
