I closed my eyes so I couldn’t see him.
He’s going to be your ruin, my head said.
He pushed hair out of my face. “Shhh, it’s okay. Don’t be upset, Remi. Please. I just want you to tell me.”
My entire body shook, and I shuddered against him.
He exhaled, and wrapped me up in his arms. “Please. Remi, forgive me for asking—but I have to know.”
I rested against him, giving in, my chest heaving. “How . . .”
He rubbed my back. “Eva-Maria told me. I saw her today and told her to stay away from you, and then it just came out. She thought I knew.” He paused. “I would have helped you. I would have done something. I don’t know what, but please, talk to me.”
I leaned back to see his face. Searched his eyes. “You want to know how I dealt with my blackest moment? You want to know what it feels like to be pregnant by a guy who was probably screwing someone else the next day?”
“Yes.”
My throat caught.
Tell the truth, Remi. Let him see the emptiness you’d been left with.
I pulled myself out of his arms, backing myself up to the tree.
Swallowing, I said, “I found out I was pregnant when my period didn’t come two weeks later. The campus clinic confirmed what my early pregnancy test had already told me. I—I was on the pill and you used a condom, but there were a few times—you didn’t. I was so stupid! And I thought—I thought you felt the same way about me. I slept with you for three days—because I imagined myself in love with you! Love at first sight. Soul mates. So ridiculous.” A bitter laugh erupted. “You were the only thing I did that was not part of my plan and it ended up nearly ruining my life.”
“I’m sorry.” Even in the darkness, I saw the torture on his face.
“Knowing I was going to have a baby changed everything. All my plans. Yet, when I saw those two blue lines, I wanted that baby. I made another plan—if I could get through fall semester, I was going to drop out, have the baby, and go to college later. Somehow I was going to make it work even if I had to live with my mom.”
“What happened?”
A harsh laugh came out of me. “What happened? At eleven weeks, I was in my advisor’s office and started . . . hurting. When I stood up blood was in the chair, on my pants. They—they called an ambulance. My mom came . . . She didn’t even know I was pregnant until she got to the hospital.”
I hugged myself, rubbing my arms. “They told me there was no heartbeat. It was simply gone. Someone I loved had died. Again. And just like my dad, I never even got to say goodbye. I never got to hold my baby. For weeks I grieved. I kept telling myself I’d get over you, that I’d forget about the baby.” I furiously wiped my face. “I was a walking zombie—and every time I saw you on campus with another girl, I wanted to shatter into a million pieces all over again.”
He exhaled and dropped his head, his hands pressing against his thighs. “God. You’re killing me.” His voice was ragged. Torn into pieces.
“I’d been careless and flighty. I made a mistake, and I promised myself I’d never do it again. My mom said it was for the best—God’s way of giving me another chance. I needed to focus on what I needed instead of what I wanted. And then—I met Hartford, and he loved me.”
A shuddering breath came out of Dax. “Fuck. I can’t take this.”
Silence grew between us, stretching all the way to the stars.
The air seemed to hold its breath, heavy and thick with emotion; me brimming with grief and him with regret. I saw it on his face as we stared at each other in the moonlight, neither of us moving, neither of us speaking.
I wanted to run into his arms and let him comfort me.
I wanted him to hold me and tell me he loved me—but he didn’t.
He never had.
I whimpered. Distance. I needed it. Now.
Moving fast, I slid past him, the grass wet beneath my bare feet. Like a statue, he didn’t move to stop me.
I slipped into the house and went back to the den. With shaking fingers, I threw a blanket from the hall closet over a still-sleeping Malcolm and went upstairs. I didn’t stop to wash my face or brush my teeth or put on nightclothes. Falling into bed, I crawled up to the pillow, tugged it into my chest, closed my eyes, and wept.
Much later, as I lay awake, my door opened and he came in. Even though my back was to the door, I knew it was Dax because my body came alive, my skin aching for his touch.
He lifted the covers, slid into the bed, and formed his body to mine. His nose pressed into my nape as his arm encircled my waist as if he never wanted to let me go. His hand slid down to mine, and I clasped it tight.
“I can’t know what you went through, but I’m here now,” he whispered.
My breath hitched; I felt leftover tears rise up again, but I swallowed them down.
He kissed my hair.
And, eventually, we slept.
* * *
Sunday dawned. Dax was gone from my bed by the time I’d gotten up around nine. Part of me was glad. The other part didn’t know what was going on.
I came downstairs after my shower and saw he’d been out already and had gotten a new coffee pot and filters along with a bag of Starbucks coffee. Another bag of pastries rested on the table. He must have been up early. I pulled out a chocolate donut and ate it while looking out at the backyard.
He knew now. He knew about the baby. He knew that I’d believed myself in love with him after three nights together. For a reason I couldn’t explain, relief filled me. The secret had been mine to carry for too long—and telling him, even if it was hard to revisit, made me feel lighter.
Malcolm and I spent the early part of the day hanging out with Lulu and getting her moved in her dorm. While Malcolm had been out of the room to get boxes from her car, I’d given her the lowdown on everything that had transpired between Dax and me.
“If living with him gets too hard, you can always apply to be my roommate next semester,” she offered as we unpacked her clothes and put them in the closet.
“I’d hate to be mean to Carla if you dumped her for me before the year is up.” Carla was her roomie and they’d been friends for a while.
She sighed. “Yeah. I keep hoping she’ll decide to move in with her boyfriend, but she hasn’t.” Her eyes narrowed in on my face. “So, just noticing here, but you seem good.”
“Malcolm is here, you are here, I’m going to graduate this year, and I have some money.”
“And you have Hartford.”
“Yes.”
Needing to change the topic, I grinned and held up a shirt with white skulls and cut-outs everywhere. “Do you really wear this to class?”
She smirked. “Of course. And tonight, I’m wearing this!” A mini tank dress appeared, dangling from her fingers. Black with red roses and pin-up girls on the material, it was, um, eye-catching.
“Nice. Where you going?”
She pouted. “Don’t you mean where are we going? Remember, it’s the day before classes and ladies’ night at Cadillac’s. It’s practically a tradition we go.”
“We went one time our sophomore year,” I said dryly.
She tsked. “And we’re going tonight, so you best find something cute and flirty and come with. I promise to buy you drinks.”
“Uh, they’re free.”
She snorted. “Okay, so I’ll trek to the bar and be your errand girl while you chat and dance—”
“There’ll be no dancing.”
“Don’t you want to wash your hair in front of everyone at Cadillac’s?” Her lips twitched.
I threw a pillow at her. “It was the best I could do!”
She laughed. “And you looked good, I swear.”
“Liar.” I smiled. “Anyway, Hartford wants to see me tonight. He had family stuff all weekend.”
She groaned. “Fine, invite Hairy. I’m desperate to get out and see everyone. Aren’t you?”
I raised a brow, thinking. “I don’t have a thing to
wear.”
“Wear that silk number from London, the one that made Dax’s eyeballs pop out of his head. Maybe try some heels this time.”
“No heels. Ever.” I paused. “Besides, don’t you think a dress is too fancy for Cadillac’s?”
“Nope. Not where there’s a blue-haired British boy popping in to see us.” She squealed, her hands fluttering around. “Oh my God, I wasn’t supposed to tell you. Shit! Spider’s been texting me for days arranging to surprise Dax tonight.”
“What are you talking about?”
She giggled and settled in on the bed, crossing her legs. “Spider’s coming and we’re having a party for Dax’s new house. Declan is supposed to get Dax to Cadillac’s, and I’m supposed to bring you.”
“Me? I don’t understand. And why you are suddenly texting a rock star? Is there something you’re not telling me?”
An impish grin spread across her face. “He only texted a few times.”
“How many?”
She shrugged.
“Spill.”
She just grinned.
I pursed my lips. “I think you have some ’splaining to do.”
“Whatever. It’s nothing. We’re just friends. He’s still in love with some Mila girl.”
“Uh-huh.”
“Don’t say it like that.” Her face flushed a deep red.
“Fine, fine. But now I’m wondering what you two were up to while Dax and I were getting our tattoos . . . oh shit . . . my tattoo. Whatever I wear, it’s got to cover it.” I grimaced.
She ran to her closet and pulled out a short, lime-green dress with a mandarin collar.
“It’s so bright.” I held up my hands to shield my eyes.
“Nah. It’s classy with a bit of slut, and the top is high enough to cover your Union Jack.” She held it up to my frame and I peered down at it. It was short.
“You know I weigh about fifteen pounds more than you, right?”
She pushed it in my hands. “Here. Take it home and try it—and put something besides flats with it.”
21
“What the bloody hell is eating at you, bro? You’re not even looking at my hands,” Declan said. For the third time, I’d been distracted and had failed to shield a side-kick to the chest he’d given, ending with me flat on my arse on the sparring mat.
I shook it off and stood. Put my fists up. “Nothing. Come on, try again, knobhead. Let’s see how far you get.” I’d been here for an hour, helping him getting some training in. I wasn’t good enough for him—not by a long shot—but his regular partner was on vacation and Declan was, well, driven. Missing a day of sparring was not an option so he took the next best thing. Me.
He slipped his gloves off. “Nope, we’re done. Come on, let’s head to the kitchen and get some lunch.”
“Cool,” is what I said, but internally I wasn’t sure I could stomach anything. My gut swirled from last night and everything Remi had confessed.
We slipped through the back entrance of the packed gym, down a narrow hall, and entered their apartment.
Elizabeth met us in the kitchen and handed us both a cold glass of water. “How’s the roommate situation coming?” she asked as we pulled stuff out of the fridge to make sandwiches.
“Peachy.”
She paused, sending me an odd look. “Oh.”
“What does that mean?” I said.
“It’s just, she’s a pretty girl, and you’re a guy, and maybe I’m wrong, but I thought there was a tiny bit of tension between you.” She smiled and handed me a bag of chips for my sandwich. “Or maybe that was just the frat thing going on between you and her fiancé.”
“He slept with her in London,” Declan murmured. “Fake-married her too.”
Her mouth gaped as she popped Declan on the head. “And you’re just now telling me! What’s wrong with you?”
“Bollocks, I’m sorry it slipped my mind. We came home and we got busy and then the shower and I guess I forgot . . .” He took a swig of water. “A man can’t think straight around you, love.”
“Mmmm. I guess so.” She leaned in and kissed his cheek while his arm snaked around her waist hungrily and pulled her in closer.
I looked down at my sandwich. I mean, I was happy for them—always had been—but today . . .
After lunch, they convinced me to head to Cadillac’s that night and I agreed, realizing I needed a dose of fun after my tough week. I headed to the house around five to shower and get dressed. Remi’s car was gone, and I figured she’d taken Malcolm back home for the week. I parked on the street instead of the driveway, thinking it was safer for her if she had the parking closer to the house.
By six, I’d showered, shaved, and changed into jeans and a black Vital Rejects shirt Spider had given me in London. I spent a while around the house, mostly waiting to see if she came in, but she never did. I considered calling her and inviting her out, but in the end, I didn’t.
I just didn’t know where we stood.
At seven I headed to Cadillac’s. It was a college hangout, and I figured it would be packed with all the students here over the weekend.
I walked through the door at Cadillac’s—only the regulars weren’t there.
“Surprise!” came the shouts from a room full of people.
I nearly fell arse over tit onto the marble floor. Grins and shouts met me as people crowded around me to slap me on the back and congratulate me on the house.
Everyone was here. Axel and some of the brothers, a collection of little sisters, Declan and Elizabeth, my father and step-mum, several other girls I knew from Whitman, and Spider—my eyes tracked back to him as he made his way over to me, wearing a baseball hat, black skinny jeans, and his gray leather jacket.
Declan wrapped a big arm around my shoulder. “Dude. Spider arranged this. He wanted to do a little thank-you for taking care of him this summer. By the way, everyone brought a housewarming gift. It’s a Dax festival in here.” He grinned.
Spider had reached us.
“Dude. What the hell?” I checked him out. He chuckled, eyes clear. Focused. “You did this? I don’t know what to say—and that’s not normal for me.”
He shrugged. “You never left my side all summer, and you and Declan are the closest thing to real family I have . . . and bloody hell, I wanted to see you before I start touring.” He pulled a thick envelope out of his pocket. “And . . . I never got a chance to give you this.”
I opened it. Looked back at him. “I can’t take this money. I lost this bet, plus I gave you your quid already.”
“It’s not about the winning—okay maybe a little, but why not? Consider it a housewarming gift and now you have more capital to invest wherever you want.” He plucked at his leather jacket. “Plus, you’ll hurt my little feelings if you give it back.”
“Damn. Thank you, man.” I gave him a quick side-hug. It was too much, but I could see how much it meant to him.
His eyes shifted to the door.
I followed his gaze and saw Lulu, Remi, and Hartford walk through the door. Jealousy lit me up like lightning, my temper spiking. I cursed under my breath and looked away from them.
“You good, mate?” Spider asked, checking out Hartford with critical eyes. His lip curled. “That’s the boyfriend?”
“Fiancé,” I muttered.
He arched a brow. “Want me to kick his skinny arse? Wanna bet if I can?”
I laughed. God, I’d missed him. “You’re a nutter.”
“Sod off,” he said with a rueful grin. He pulled a small box out of his pocket. “Now, let’s talk about this.”
“What? No more gifts, okay?”
He shook his head. “It’s for Remi.”
My mouth parted, the pieces coming together. “You found it?”
The day after her bracelet had been stolen, I’d called every single pawnshop in London and the surrounding towns looking for her bracelet. I hadn’t gotten a hit, but it hadn’t stopped me from checking in with them until I’d left London.
He stuffed it in my hands. “Dude. You left strict instructions for me to call every single day. I did. Hell, it gave me something to do with myself. One of the pawnshops called back yesterday. They even fixed the broken clasp. I should have told you, but I wanted to surprise you . . .” He paused. “You okay? You look funny.”
“No, I just know how much she loves it.” I opened the package and there it was—her bracelet, amid a wad of tissue.
I looked back up at him. “She needs this. Thank you.”
“You’re the one who thought of it. I’ll catch you in a bit.” I nodded and he brushed past me to head toward an enthusiastically waving Lulu.
Someone pushed a beer in my hands, and I made the rounds to say hi to everyone. I talked to my father and step-mum first, since I assumed this wasn’t quite their high-society scene and they’d want to get out before it got too late. They congratulated me, and my father looked pleased although he asked me a hundred questions about whether I was ready for classes to begin, if I had purchased my books, and on and on.
An hour later, after a few toasts had been had, I ended up on a stool chatting with Axel and Alexandria. I’d had a few drinks, and my buzz was making me antsy rather than relaxed.
“Any plans after this?” she asked, sending me a flirtatious grin.
Did I?
That depended on Remi. I wanted to talk to her more—without Hartford in my face—but she hadn’t left his side.
I flicked my eyes over to see them holding hands at the end of the bar. She towered over the other girls, looking gorgeous in some kind of green dress, her hair swinging against her neck.
I tried to catch her eye, but she never looked in my direction, her eyes seeming to avoid mine. It was intentional, I assumed, feeling my anger rise again. She was the girl who needed control, and I was screwing with it.
Hartford watched me though, his eyes narrowed as he caught me staring at Remi. Fuck him. I didn’t care. I smiled at him and raised my glass. You might have her now, Omega, but who knows about tomorrow…
British Bad Boys: Box Set Page 40
