by Disney Books
He took two steps before he fell into a pit.
“I’m okay!” Dr. Doofenshmirtz shouted from the bottom of the pit. “The water at the bottom broke my fall. Awfully hot, though.”
Suddenly, Dr. Doofenshmirtz screamed as the water erupted, ejecting him from the pit. He landed on the ground with a loud thud.
“So, I’ve given this path a thorough checking out and can confidently say that we should go that way.”
“So, we all agree that we’ve passed this spot, somewhere between once and eleven times, right?” Dr. Doofenshmirtz said wearily. His head was bandaged, his clothes were torn, and he was limping.
“Yes!” everyone responded in unison.
Behind them, Agent P was keeping out of sight.
Above them was the sound of flapping wings, followed by a large dragon-like creature flying right at them. The monster screeched, fangs exposed.
“Okay, well, that is something you do not see every day,” Dr. Doofenshmirtz observed.
That was when he pulled the Chicken-Replace-inator from his tattered clothing. One press of the trigger and a beam struck the dragon. A moment later, a chicken was in its place.
“What just happened?” a shocked Phineas asked.
“Well, thanks to my handy Chicken-Replace-inator—which some people said I shouldn’t bring—it switched places with the nearest chicken. Wherever that is,” Dr. Doofenshmirtz said.
Dr. Doofenshmirtz was in midstride when he fell into another pit—which led to a very steep hill. The scientist rolled down the hill until he slammed into a stone wall.
(Psssst! The stone wall was the alien fortress.)
“Oh, look!” Dr. Doofenshmirtz said. “We’re here! See? I told ya I knew the way!”
“And now it’s time for Wakey Wakey, Feebla-Oot, with your hosts Throat Lobster and Booooooooooooooot!”
The alien announcer’s voice whipped the crowd into a frenzy, and they began to applaud as Throat Lobster and Booooooooooooooot walked out on the stage.
“Thanks, everyone!” Throat Lobster said. “Please welcome Super Super Big Doctor and…the Chosen One!”
There was more applause as Candace and Super Super Big Doctor walked onstage. Smiling, Candace threw up peace signs with her fingers.
“The Chosen One is in the house!” she said.
“Isn’t she just the best?” Super Super Big Doctor said.
“Yes, she is the best!” the studio audience echoed in agreement.
“So, Chosen One, how does it feel to be the most special being in the whole universe?” Throat Lobster asked.
The audience cheered until Super Super Big Doctor put a finger to her lips. Then the audience quieted immediately.
“It feels great,” Candace answered. “For the first time ever, I feel like…someone. Like I matter.”
“Awwwww,” Super Super Big Doctor said, and the audience imitated her.
“Aren’t they both just incredible, folks?” Throat Lobster said.
Applause erupted from the crowd again, and Candace and Super Super Big Doctor both said, “Oh, you’re too kind.”
“Jinx!” they shouted together.
They shook hands, exchanging an increasingly complex series of gestures.
“That’s just a thing we do,” Candace said.
“And now, I believe our leader has a special treat for our special guest,” Throat Lobster said.
Super Super Big Doctor turned to Candace, her face quite serious. “When I scoured the universe for Remarkalonium, I didn’t know that I’d also find…a sister,” she said.
“Awwwwww!” the audience roared.
“Candace, would you do me the honor of singing a power ballad with me?”
“Would I!” Candace said enthusiastically. She jumped to her feet as aliens appeared from the wings, handing cordless microphones to her and Super Super Big Doctor. They walked out to the center of the stage and turned to face each other. Music began to play. Candace opened her mouth, ready to sing.
“Candace!”
Candace whipped her head around to see Phineas!
“Candace! We’re here!” Phineas shouted. “Oh, we were so worried about you!”
Phineas was standing on the stage now, along with Ferb, Isabella, Baljeet, Buford (why did he have a canoe?), and some guy with a really long nose.
“What are you doing here?” Candace said.
“Who is this?” Super Super Big Doctor asked.
“These are my brothers,” Candace said. Then, looking at their friends, she added, “Et cetera.” Then, staring at Dr. Doofenshmirtz, she added, “No idea who that is.”
“Oh, I’m Heinz!” Dr. Doofenshmirtz said. “I’m looking for my daughter, Vanessa. Wears black.”
“I sent her off in an escape pod,” Candace said. “She should be back on Earth by now!”
“Well, that’s a relief,” Dr. Doofenshmirtz replied. “She’s out of danger.”
Vanessa had come face to face with an alien dragon, so she was anything but out of danger.
That’s it. That’s the chapter.
Sorry if you wanted more.
“We saw you get abducted, Candace!” Phineas said. “We came to rescue you!”
“Rescue me?” Candace said. “From what? A planet where people worship me? A place where I’m finally special? I’m the Chosen One!”
Candace gestured to the audience. They began to chant, “Cho-sen One! Cho-sen One!”
“Oh, well, that’s neat,” Phineas said, not knowing what else to say. “But, uh, chosen for what, exactly?”
“To save the planet, okay?” Candace said. “Ugh, why don’t you want me to be happy?”
“We do, Candace,” Phineas said. “Actually, we made you a gift.”
Candace stared at Phineas for a moment, then said, “Y’know what? I don’t want it.”
“But—”
“I have everything I ever wanted right here,” Candace said, looking at Super Super Big Doctor. “She gets me. I finally feel like the universe isn’t against me. And I think…that’s because you guys aren’t around.”
Phineas and Ferb stared at Candace. Her words hit like a sledgehammer. They were hurt and speechless.
“I think perhaps you should give her a little space,” Super Super Big Doctor said, joining Candace. “Don’t worry, Candy Cane. I’ll take care of these guys.”
“Would you?” Candace asked. “You’re the best.”
Super Super Big Doctor nodded toward an alien guard. “Braxington Ton, could you find a spot for our guests to relax?”
“If you’ll follow me,” Braxington Ton said, “I’ll take you to your accommodations.”
“Candace!” Phineas shouted.
As Braxington Ton took Phineas, Ferb, their friends, and that weird guy with the long nose away, Candace’s eyes met her brothers’.
She was about to say something when Super Super Big Doctor hollered, “Give it up for the Chosen One!”
The audience broke out into applause and cheers once more as Candace looked away from her brothers.
The sound of applause faded as Phineas, Ferb, and their friends were escorted down the fortress hallway by Braxington Ton.
“I can’t believe Candace,” Phineas said. “I mean, I know sometimes she seems kinda…”
“Obsessive?” Isabella offered.
“Volatile?” Baljeet suggested.
“Enchanting?” Buford swooned. “I mean, uh, terrifying?”
“I was gonna say unhappy,” Phineas replied. “But I had no idea how unhappy she’s been.”
Braxington Ton stopped the group as they arrived at a door. Inside, the group found what looked like a very posh alien hotel room.
“Well, this is a step up from that horrifying jungle,” Dr. Doofenshmirtz said. “I guess it pays to know the Chosen O—”
Before Dr. Doofenshmirtz could finish his sentence, the floor dropped out beneath him, Phineas, Ferb, Isabella, Buford, and Baljeet. They slid down a long metal chute until they landed
inside a windowless room.
“Hey, where’s my canoe?” Buford asked.
As if in answer, something hit the doctor on the head.
“Ow!” Dr. Doofenshmirtz exclaimed.
“Oh, there it is,” Buford said.
“Not to sound alarmist,” Baljeet said, “but did anyone else notice that they dropped us down a trapdoor into a shaft that launched us into this truck, which is driving us who knows where?”
Oh, that’s right—it wasn’t a windowless room. It was a windowless truck.
Phineas looked around the back of the truck and saw a group of aliens he hadn’t noticed before.
“Hi there,” Phineas said. “Do you fellas know where this bus goes?”
“W-we’re going to prison,” one of them said.
“What?” Phineas exclaimed.
“That Super Super Big Doofus sent us up the river!” Isabella said angrily.
“Well, if you hadn’t insisted on leading, we probably wouldn’t be in this mess,” the doctor said.
“Do you see this patch?” Isabella said, pointing to her sash. “Pray you never find out what it’s for.”
“Okay,” Phineas said, “while I love ominous patch-related threats more than anyone—”
Ferb cut off his brother by clearing his throat.
“Right, apart from Ferb. Big fan,” Phineas said. “The bottom line is we’re in trouble. And I have a feeling Candace is, too.”
As the vehicle drove by on its way to the prison, something small and teal jumped from the bushes. It landed on the alien vehicle and quickly attached itself to the underside.
Agent P was sticking close.
Inside the grand dining hall, Super Super Big Doctor held court from the end of a long table. The place settings were elegant, and the spread of alien foods was a feast fit for a Chosen One. It was good fortune that they just happened to have a Chosen One present.
As Candace walked into the dining hall, aliens dropped flower petals at her feet.
“There she is!” Super Super Big Doctor called. “The Chosen One is in the dining room!”
“Oh, uh, thanks,” Candace said. She sat down next to the alien as the feast began.
“Listen,” Super Super Big Doctor said with a chuckle, “I was proud of you today. You really stood up for yourself.”
Candace gave her new friend a weak smile. “You don’t think I was, I dunno, a little too hard on my brothers?”
“Heck no, girl!” Super Super Big Doctor said. “You don’t need them coming in here, messing up things for you.”
“I guess you’re right,” Candace said, but she wasn’t so sure.
“Trust me,” Super Super Big Doctor said bitterly. “Same story with my brothers. Everyone thought they were soooo special. So I had to find my own place in the universe, just like you’re doing right now.”
An alien came to the leader and whispered something in her ear. “I gotta go deal with some boring leader-y stuff,” Super Super Big Doctor said. “You stay here, eat, drink—and don’t forget to breathe. A lot. If you need anything, just ask.”
“Oh, I do have a…” Candace said.
But Super Super Big Doctor had already left the dining hall. Candace sighed and slumped in her chair. Her eyes traveled to the ceiling, and she noticed a pipe that connected to a closed door.
“Hey,” Candace said to an alien standing nearby, “do you know where that pipe goes?”
“Rrrrrrrrrr,” the alien said, and Candace didn’t understand what that meant.
“Uh, never mind. I’ll figure it out myself.” Candace got up from the table and left.
If she had stayed for just a few more seconds, she would have heard the alien say, “Rrrrrrruuuunnnn!”
Inside the windowless alien vehicle, Phineas, Ferb, and their friends searched desperately for a means of escape. Isabella took a Fireside Girls multi-tool from her pocket and tried to pry loose some of the bolts on the wall. It was no use.
“Soon as we get to prison, I’m gonna start a gang,” Buford said. “Who’s in?”
“Oh, oh, me!” Baljeet said cheerfully.
“Anyone?” Buford asked again.
“Me! Me! Me!” Baljeet yelled.
“Anyone at all?” Buford asked.
Phineas approached the aliens. “Hi, again,” he said softly. “There’s no reason to be scared of us.”
“Oh, we don’t need a reason,” the alien said. “We’re afraid of a lot of things. Things like loud noises, our shadows, the dark, public speaking, cloudy skies, clear skies…”
Phineas could only stare silently as the alien kept talking and the list of things that scared them got longer.
Agent P climbed the side of the transport. A guard sat at a gunner station atop the vehicle. Agent P crept stealthily up the turret, his tiny arm reaching up for the guard. He yanked the alien from his perch and hurled him off.
As the body hit the ground, a soft candace could be heard. Agent P glanced behind him and saw a pair of alien legs walking away.
“…and we’re also afraid of monsters, clowns, spiders, spiders who look like clowns, cracks in the sidewalk…”
As Phineas, Isabella, Buford, Baljeet, and Dr. Doofenshmirtz listened to the seemingly endless list of fears, Ferb went to work on a floor panel. In no time, he removed it and began stripping away some electrical wires.
“Oh, great idea, Ferb!” Phineas said. “Maybe if we remove some of these components, it will stop the vehicle!”
Outside, Agent P clung to the vehicle, inching his way toward the drivers. Suddenly, his communicator came to life and Major Monogram’s voice could be heard.
That drew the attention of the drivers.
“Oh, Agent P,” Major Monogram said. “I completely forgot to tell you: whatever you do, do not engage in any kind of physical conflict with the aliens. It could put you in violation of numerous intergalactic treaties.”
Agent P chittered.
Inside the vehicle, Phineas sat atop Dr. Doofenshmirtz’s shoulders. Using the electrical wires Ferb had obtained, he was trying to short out the vehicle by fiddling with the light fixture.
Every time he connected the wires, it caused a spark. The vehicle jolted.
“It’s working!” Isabella said.
Except it wasn’t really working. The jolting of the vehicle came about because Agent P was busy fighting the alien drivers. Every time Phineas connected the wires, it coincided with Agent P hitting the drivers, causing them to momentarily lose control of the vehicle.
Agent P was thrown out of the vehicle. While hanging from a door handle, he managed to fire his grappling hook, which lodged itself in the back of the driver’s seat.
As they zoomed past a large tree, Agent P hooked his grappling gun to a limb. The entire driver’s seat was ripped out of the vehicle, and the driver along with it.
Agent P jumped back into the cab and knocked the other driver right into a pond.
“We stopped,” Isabella said.
The back doors to the vehicle opened, and Phineas, Ferb, and their friends emerged.
“Hmm, that’s weird,” Phineas said. “No guards, no nothing.”
“Coming through!” one of the aliens said.
“The patrols will be here any minute!” another alien added. “Follow us!”
Agent P watched as the aliens hurried away with his human family, those other kids, and Dr. Doofenshmirtz in tow.
Phineas, Ferb, Isabella, Buford, Baljeet, and Dr. Doofenshmirtz had trekked through the dense alien jungle with their new alien…Well, is “friends” the right word? In the spirit of intergalactic amity, let’s call them friends.
The group had come to learn that the leader of the recently freed aliens was named Borthos.
“Finally, a place of safety,” Borthos said. “Behold! The hidden city of Cowardalia!”
Then he approached a rock and pressed a hidden button. The rock split in two, parting like a curtain, and the group entered.
“An old, dark cave
?” Buford asked. “You must be very proud.”
“Oh, no, this is just the entrance,” Borthos said.
Borthos showed them what looked like some kind of boat, and they hopped in. The alien guided the boat down a river inside the cave, sailing past statues of other aliens, who appeared to be cowering in fear.
“Behold! The city of Cowardalia!” Borthos repeated.
“You live in these big statues?” Buford asked.
“Oh, uh, no. No, those are just monuments we built up,” Borthos said, clearly exasperated. “The city is beyond those.”
The ship sailed past the statues until it arrived at an opening, revealing a cavern filled with huts.
“Behold! The hidden city of Cowardalia!”
“Really, Ernox?” Borthos said, staring at the alien who had just upstaged him. “Really?”
“Borthos!” shouted Garnoz, another alien. “You escaped from the Scary Ones! Did you hide under a tarp? Did you cower under some boxes? Did you stand very still and pretend to be modern art?”
“No,” Borthos said. “These aliens helped us escape.” Borthos pointed toward Phineas.
“Thank you for saving my people,” Garnoz said. “You may hide and cower with us here in Cowardalia for as long as you wish.”
“Thanks,” Phineas said. “But we’re worried about our sister. We’ve gotta get back to her!”
“And I have to get back to my daughter on Earth,” Dr. Doofenshmirtz added.
“We would love to help you,” Garnoz said. “But we can’t.
“Let me explain,” Garnoz continued. “We used to be a free and happy cowardly people. Then one day, she arrived.
