by Elena Monroe
“Spit it out, Hunter!”
“She never had an abortion, Layla.”
I couldn’t tell you what part of my body felt like it suddenly dropped to the sidewalk first. I looked down, but all of me was still attached.
I couldn’t even begin to describe how dry my mouth was when I tried to swallow.
I couldn’t describe the sound of cracking, like his confession broke a part of my soul, that would become as unfixable as my friends.
I stopped worrying about Jade, Elizabeth, or any women of his past. The worry fell away in the night, unseen even by me.
I stayed silent as my hands looked to clutch anything around me to hold me from crumbling into nothing when Hunter pulled me up and into his chest. I didn’t cry even though I wanted to. I wondered if this was why Oliver had been distant. Did he know? Was he trying to make it work or be a dad? There were too many questions and not enough answers. The weight of those questions weren’t crushing me, but my hope, my heart…
Hunter clutched onto me, like I’d blow away. I could feel his remorse in telling me. This was Hunter. I’m sure he could feign remorse if the moment called for it.
I choked out, “Does he know?”
Hunter smoothed down my hair, shaking his head above mine. I couldn’t see him with my face against his t-shirt, and he realized that when he repeated his answer verbally: “I don’t know. Maybe? Jade told me last week. We did a pickup in the park, and I made some stupid joke about mommies being skeptical of us with all the kids around. She pointed at a mini fucking Oliver: Arsen.”
I repeated the name in my head a few times. If he was going to have a child with his psycho ex, that would be on the list of approved names.
Arsen.
My craving for answers made me stand on my own, pushing myself away from Hunter’s warm body. I sucked up my tears and wiped away the trails they left behind with my sleeve. I let my hand fish around my bag for my phone, hoping it was a quick search party. I felt like a bus had pushed through my body and left me in the road for someone else to find. The haze I felt before was stronger and poisonous this time.
Everything felt like a motion I was forced to go through, when I texted Elizabeth: I’m gonna get ready at my dorm, but I’ll meet you guys there.
I couldn’t face anyone right now. Just under the girl’s gaze I could see myself crumbling into rubble.
I looked up at Hunter, with my eyes threatening to trail more tears, just thinking of the ways this would create a new future. Would he try with her for their child? Would he go off the deep end, finally? Or was all this space between us because he already knew? In any case, Jade was responsible for altering the future I built in my head—the future I wanted with Oliver. Now, our future would involve Jade, and I didn’t know how I would fit.
“Can you walk me back to my dorm?”
He tried to take my bag, but it was the only thing weighing me to reality right now, keeping me from floating away. I just wanted the silent company, people would love at his sharp features instead of me.
I didn’t know what I was going to do…
Part of me just wanted to collect all the pieces of myself, while I could still put them back together again, but the other part of me wanted honest answers so badly that I was willing to fall farther to a new level of madness just to get them.
I was somewhere between the choices and refusing to pick one.
I fell asleep crying against Hunter exactly the same way I did over break. His shirt wet where my face pressed into his chest. He felt safe even though every part of me wondered if he told me for me or to destroy Oliver, finally. I woke up dazed, unsure of how long I slept or if it was a bad dream altogether. I hoped it was some kind of insecure manifestation and not my new reality.
His arms were still around me when he whispered into my hair. “You were only out two hours.”
I shifted still avoided eye contact otherwise I felt like I was breaking under the judgement of still loving Oliver. Even if this was true, if he knew or didn't, the love I had was unaltered.
“Did you tell me because it's part of your plan?”
He pushed himself to sit up, I'm sure the arm I slept on was asleep this whole time. He pushed his head against the headboard like it was painful to answer me.
“Both. I wanted to hurt him, but I didn't ask Jade to tell me and I didn't wanna hurt you.”
“But you did.”
I sat up reaching for my water like all the liquid in my body drained from crying. I felt dry all over.
“You deserved to know, Layla. That changes things. Are you ready to be a stepmom? Or even date someone with a kid?”
The truth of his questions were too much. I felt dizzy and out of breath. I just got comfortable with who I was never mind trying to be something new, something else. I could barely handle being me right now. I sat up trying to swallow back the saliva that taunted me to throw up, all the feelings and tremors wrecking my body.
I swallowed instead, all of it down like a harsh pill of reality. The kind of reality that caged me for eighteen years. The kind of cage that forced who you are to the back of your head and pushed forward this fragmented version yourself you buried in the past. It was primal to revert back to the scared, timid version when pain vibrates through you. No, not pain, but whatever kills hopes and dreams. That's what was truly targeted. All my hopes of forever with Oliver, like some lovesick teenager ready to make someone my last boyfriend at the tender age of eighteen.
He touched my back, “Do you wanna skip the party?”
That was the last thing I wanted. I wanted to face Oliver to find out if he knew or not. I contemplated how someone could not know…
Wouldn't he have sought out the outcome after he had gotten out of rehab?
Who doesn't follow through on if you have a child or not?
Did he want this child?
I forced myself up, peeling my clothes off and leaving a trail to the shower, where I planned to spend an hour decompressing this news under scolding hot water. Hunter sat up, either concerned or curious if it was an invitation to join. It wasn't. Sheer devastation was driving me. I forgot he was even there.
I put myself directly under the water pressure, trying to imagine a life where Jade was tied to me forever and Oliver was a dad at nineteen. It was hard to picture, uncomfortable even. I didn't know where I fit or how I would help him raise a child spawned from Jade herself—a girl so devious she gave Hunter a run for his money—the same girl who left Oliver having a convulsion on the bedroom floor and not returning until more than a year later.
The timing of it all sent me in a spin that my head couldn't keep up with.
Jade was practically surgically removed, until the morning she barreled back into his life with one phone call. He and I had finally stopped avoiding what drew us together. I wondered for a brief moment if him choosing me was what propelled her back, when a child clearly wasn't enough of a reason before.
I had no idea how long I was in the shower for or how I found myself putting on my favorite ripped jeans, a black tank, and an oversized hoodie to cover it all up. I was hiding in plain sight. I piled my wet golden hair into a top knot, still going through the motions. I didn't even remember getting into Hunter’s car, until my words came up like vomit to my reflection in his window.
“I was supposed to be surprising him tonight. He asked me to stay with him for the summer. Guess he'll still be surprised, just by something else.”
Hunter’s large hand squeezed my leg gently, like it would somehow squeeze all the ache from me. Regrettably, it didn't. I felt the dull ache all over, keeping me aware that my heart was still beating heavily in my own chest. I kept the tears back, only letting them drown my eyes, but never drain.
He opened the door wide, and it was then that I knew we were here, even though the car stopped moving awhile back.
It felt like mistake being here. I felt like I didn't belong. I felt like that freshman walking the same path lined with candl
es to a fire I saw in the distance. I stopped walking and grabbed Hunter’s jacket when I saw all the sinners by the fire laughing. I scanned the shadows for Oliver, but there was no sign of him yet. He was late, just like the night he pushed me against a tree and made sure I knew exactly how irritating I was to him.
Hunter took a step forward, and I released my grip beelining-it to the table of liquid courage I was going to depend on to dull the ache. I didn't care how dangerous or toxic it was to medicate how I felt, as long as it lifted the weight I was under.
Hunter grabbed a beer, clearly babysitting me.
“I don't need a babysitter.”
He watched my hand pour a hefty amount of vodka into the cranberry juice. He disputed what I just said, “Looks like you do. Take it easy. You're gonna wanna be sober when you talk to him.”
“Who says I'm gonna talk to him at all?”
I chugged the contents against my better judgment and logic. I was going to act my age tonight. I was relinquishing responsibility to the ache.
“I know you. You're Layla. You'll get your answers.”
“Why does everyone make ‘answers’ out to be a bad thing?! I'm so sorry I want to know where people stand and the truth even if it sucks, so I can choose to keep getting hurt or not!”
I watched Oliver glide in, like the respected authority he was, just like the first night I was here. Everyone had stared at him, hoping to be one of the lucky few he greeted. I walked over to the group, pretending to be brave.
Was I ever really brave?
I stood there forcing myself to at least wear a blank expression, instead of the one I wore since this afternoon of shock… disappointment… mourning.
Oliver stopped greeting people around us when he finally saw me. All his focus was on me, until his lips crashed against mine. He pulled away enough to let himself smile before he realized Hunter’s gaze was sharp enough to cut.
“Problem with me kissing my girl?”
I looked down, crumbling in the face of what should have been my own bravery—bravery I had worked on perfecting all year—bravery as fragile as lace, apparently.
Hunter stood up straighter, invading more of my space. “With you, always.”
Oliver laughed, slapping his arm with a flat palm. “It's a party, find someone else to crush on and make enemies with.”
I watched this moment transpire right next to me. I watched Hunter’s balled up fists threaten to do more than exchange verbal jabs. The threat of more pain sparked something in me to form words. Now. That was the thing about being brave; it picked when to not be invisible.
I barely got out the words. My voice small and fragile. “I know your secret, Oliver.”
Oliver’s head turned from Hunter to me so quickly I thought I would see his neck break. Without looking, I knew all of the sinners were paying attention now. He leaned into me, like I accused him of something as vile as I had marked Hunter with. The snarl that crossed his face proved this was a secret I shouldn't know.
“What did you say…?”
I repeated myself, this time louder. No one moved or spoke for what seemed like too long. We were all stunned, all assuming the worst, and all waiting for the verdict.
His eyebrows still pulled down and dominated any emotion that would shine through. He looked around at his friends before he snipped into my face. “Keep it down.”
Hunter was the only one not invested in his rebuttals or how he'd defend himself. He drank his beer carefully, and nothing triggered Oliver more than his blithe attitude. His hand clutched Hunter’s hoodie, shifting him like a ragdoll. Their faces were close together, but Hunter simply turned his head to allow his lips to drink from the glass opening of the bottle—mocking Oliver, just like he mocked anyone who picked a fight with him.
That's what Oliver didn't learn about his enemy, Hunter. He was too blinded by jealously and anger to see that Hunter lived for the pain. He invited the pain in with open arms.
He made his point. No matter how much more effort it took. Oliver was short of foaming at the mouth and focused on the wrong person.
I forced myself to stay anyways, fully knowing this wasn’t going to lead to a good solution.
“You fucking told her? You waited all this time to tell her now?”
All this time.
I heard him correctly. Hunter just found out, so what did he mean by that.
Aspen of all people seemed to react the same way I did, and in the process, he cut me off before my thoughts fully formed sentences. “Maybe it's good it's out in the open now, bro.”
Oliver pushed Hunter out of his grip, zoning in on Aspen now. I thought he was going to fight him, when all I could see in his stormy eyes was the reflection of the flames of the fire. “You think it's great my girlfriend knows I'm not off the blow? Hey, maybe we'll even be friends with rapists too.”
I leaned in trying to replay his words.
Blow.
Not off.
Not off the blow.
Aspen stood his ground, representing a justice no one asked for. Aspen told him then that he was the one who had texted him to come clean, all mysterious-like, in the hopes it would go unjudged.
“I knew once you told her you'd feel accountable. Just like we learned in the program. You knew she deserved to know if you couldn't get it under control.”
Caden drove himself between them. He knew Oliver too well to let him make his next move. Caden held him back from destroying one of their best friends, the same way he wanted to destroy Hunter.
My head felt like it was going to explode. We were talking about two different secrets. The weight on my chest grew, and I couldn't breathe in the way I needed to under the unraveling of the second. My lungs took short, fast breaths to make up for it, only making it worse. My eyes were flooded, and I bit my cheek so hard I tasted blood just to keep the tears from falling.
He turned towards me, eyes closed tightly, like he wished me away from this… out of range… someone who hadn’t heard any of this. I wished that too. He opened his eyes, with me still exactly where he left me. Taking my hands in his tightly, he kissed my palms, like it made up for some of this.
He started explaining my leaving for the holidays prompted him to fall off a year wagon and his plan to wean himself off before summer. My face melted into a catatonic form, emotionless and stale, as took in another truth I didn't prepare myself for.
My voice shook as I rattled out my words. “I was talking about Jade. She had your child.”
Time seemed to stop then. Everyone looked at me, stunned, like no one had heard a single word said before my news. Each one of the sinners reacted in their own way. Their flaws defined how they each felt, as the news sank in, and they began to understand that everything was about to change.
I reverted right back to my innocence in the face of uncertainty.
Caden, in adulation of having that same news one day—fathering, protecting, and loving more than his group of friends.
Aspen, getting the justice he always honored when he stayed anonymous and revealed the truth.
Elizabeth, the ultimate influence in showing Oliver exactly who he was and driving him to Jade.
Hayley, inspired by the turn of events, her eyes glittered, soaking up the emotions to turn into art.
Hunter, peaceful, knowing he corrupted the person he wanted to, winning even, and destroying Oliver. Regardless of whether or not it had been his plan all along… it brought us all to our knees.
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