“He won’t catch me. I’m sneaky.”
“You’re a piece of work, Sloan, but let’s get back to his engagement. Stop fantasizing about him. He’s obviously in love with Juliana.”
“Why do you say obviously?”
“They’ve been going out a long time from what she said.”
“Not good enough.”
“Why the hell not?” She moved forward, practically in my face and said, “You need to get your head out of your ass.”
“That’s exactly what I told Cole.”
“What? When?”
“When he suggested we carry on this fakakta affair.”
“What affair? You never mentioned this before?”
I let out a huge sigh and proceeded to tell all, again, from start to finish, including all the sexual positions we’d tried.
“No wonder you’re so damned confused.”
“No shit. The man is queer.”
“Or bi.”
“Semantics, Emily. Bottom line, he sucks cock.”
“Oh, eww.”
“And rather well, I might add.”
“Double ewwww.”
I burst out laughing. She cackled loudly, and soon we were roaring with laughter, refreshingly normal in a weirdly disjointed day.
“Oh my God,” she said, hiccupping through the words. “He will kill you if he ever finds out you’ve told me.”
“Fuck him. He deserves to be outed.”
“You don’t mean that, do you?”
“Of course not,” I replied with an exaggerated eye roll. “I’m not heartless.”
“I know you’re not,” she replied, much gentler this time. “Let’s eat, Sloan.”
Chapter 23
Cole met John at Del Posto restaurant on 10th Avenue. He would have preferred something lighter for lunch, but John had a hankering for Italian, and since he was the one being inconvenienced, Cole felt he owed him the meal of his choice. And no finer Italian existed around the Chelsea area.
After perusing the menu in Braille, John settled on the insalata primavera with goat ricotta and herb blossoms as his first course. Cole opted for the same. For their second course, John chose the potato gnocchi with baccalà while Cole ordered the seared halibut with shaved vegetables.
“So,” John said, settling back in his chair after the waiter took the orders. “What’s so important it couldn’t wait until tomorrow?”
“I’ve asked Juliana to marry me.”
“Congratulations, dear boy. I think we should order some wine with our lunch.”
“If you’d like a glass, John, feel free to order whatever you want. I’ll pass.”
Cole’s response was rather muted, and John picked up on it right away. “In that case, I’ll refrain as well. You don’t seem very enthusiastic about this proposal, son.”
“I guess I’m not.”
Cole fidgeted with his utensils, and John covered his nervous movements with a steady hand. “Why aren’t you happy?”
“I’m not sure if she can handle my disability, John. Juliana seems threatened when I try to do things for myself. She’d rather have me helpless and dependent on her instead of self-sufficient and functional on my own.”
“Then why would you consider her for your wife?”
Cole shrugged and reached for a breadstick, breaking it into pieces as he explained. “My father wants a grandson, and since we’ve been dating for over three years, Juliana is the most logical choice.”
“All good reasons but not reason enough. Do you love her?”
“I care for her, but I’m no longer in love with her.”
“What’s changed?”
The appearance of the food trolley gave Cole a chance to formulate his answer. They watched in silence as the salad plates were laid on the table. Parmesan cheese and black pepper were grated over the fresh greens with flourish. After the waiter departed, Cole picked up his fork and put it down again. “John, I’m not sure who I am anymore.”
“You’ve had some life-altering changes, to be sure, but I have a feeling you’re not talking about RP.”
Cole was torn. Should he be honest or continue to lie to himself and please everyone in his family. He’d asked John to lunch to discuss Sloan as well as Juliana. Acknowledging his developing feelings for his male roommate was tantamount to admitting he was gay or bisexual. On the other hand, John was the least judgmental person he knew, and if he wanted objective advice, there was no better source.
“Do you remember when we first met?” Cole asked. “You made me take a battery of psychological tests and asked me point-blank if I’d ever had a same-sex encounter.”
“Yes. It’s a part of our screening process for new patients,” John replied.
“The thing is,” Cole stumbled, folding and unfolding his napkin. He looked at John and made a moue of disgust. “This is harder than I thought it would be.”
“Spit it out,” John urged kindly.
“I’ve had sex with Sloan.”
“I see.”
“Do you?” Cole asked. “Because I’m thoroughly confused. I’ve gone from being straight to gay in the blink of an eye and I don’t mean it as a sick joke.”
“Is this the first time you’ve ever been with another man?”
“There were a few encounters in boarding school, but nothing like this.”
“What did you think was happening back then?”
“A lot of stuff went down after the lights went out. You cram a bunch of horny teens in one room, and there’s bound to be some sort of mutual masturbation. I thought it was a part of growing up.”
“It might be a common occurrence, but someone who’s straight by nature would resist the groping, preferring to relieve himself on his own. The fact that you allowed another boy or boys to touch you intimately is significant.”
“Does this mean I’m really gay?”
“It means you may be higher up on the Kinsey scale than you realized. It’s certainly not unheard of to be bisexual. If you’re attracted to both sexes at different times in your life, it’s not the end of the world.”
“My father will die of disappointment.”
“Your father will learn to deal with it the same way he dealt with your blindness. Admitting your orientation will save you and Juliana a lot of grief.”
“I don’t know if you’re right, John,” Cole rationalized. “How can I be gay and still have sex with a woman?”
“Cole, it happens. Your father’s influence growing up was bound to color your impressions of homosexuality.”
“Sorry?”
“Didn’t you tell me he was extremely homophobic?”
“Yes.”
“Then shoving aside your feelings was a part of your training and you never allowed yourself to explore other options.”
“I can’t throw away my future because I’m interested in another man.”
“Do you lie in bed at night and wish he was beside you? Does the thought of making love to Sloan keep you up in more ways than one?” John joked.
Cole dropped his fork on the plate with a loud clatter. “Jesus… you can’t expect me to respond in public.”
“Why not? The hardest part is over, Cole. Coming out to me is the bravest thing you’ve done since I met you.”
“What do I do?” Cole said miserably, hoping John had the magic solution.
“You do what’s in your heart. Not what your father or Juliana or Sloan wants. You do what you want.”
“But that’s completely selfish and irresponsible.”
“I disagree. You’re facing a very bleak future if you don’t take back some control. The last thing you need right now is an unhappy marriage.”
“What about children? How can I give my father a grandchild if I decide I’m queer?”
“First of all, you don’t get to decide if you’re gay or not.”
“Of course I do,” Cole protested. “I don’t have to give in to this impulse.”
“You think this is a
whim you can ignore?”
“Isn’t it?”
“Don’t be ridiculous. Everyone in the universe would be the same if it were true. Have some respect for your feelings, and Sloan’s while you’re at it. You don’t marry someone because it’s what your father expects. He’s not living your life. Whatever you decide has to be your choice. Confront the problem and deal with it honestly. Or drop it and get comfortable with your decision.”
“You haven’t answered the question of children.”
They paused the conversation when the waiter appeared and replaced their empty salad plates for the main entrée.
As soon as he left, John asked. “Correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you tell me, on more than one occasion, that you didn’t want a child if it was going to carry the RP gene?”
“I did, but Juliana can be tested during the pregnancy. We’ve discussed it and our options.”
“What other options? Abortion? Have you ever been in a similar situation?”
“No.”
“It’s not the solution, Cole. We’re not talking about a bad batch of cookies you can discard and recreate. The idea of deliberately ending a life because the child carries a gene that may or may not manifest is morally wrong.”
“I had no idea you were so pro-life.”
“I’m pro-choice, if you must know. But this discussion is about you and the ramifications of a conscious decision you may live to regret. You asked for my opinion and I’m giving it.”
“I understand.”
“I don’t think you do, son. The child you speak of doesn’t even exist. You’re talking of a concept, a thought on how to make this all work and please everyone. Pretty much like trying to put a square peg in a round hole. Isn’t it time to deal with hard facts and admit that some things aren’t meant to be?”
“I’m not sure I can.”
“Have you talked to Sloan about any of this?”
“No.”
“Why not? Didn’t you say you had sex with him? He’s certainly entitled to hear your thoughts on the matter, or doesn’t he care?”
“Maybe? I dunno, John. I offered a relationship on the side, separate from societal expectations of a traditional marriage and family, much like they had in ancient times, but it was met with anger and ridicule.”
“I’m not surprised.” John sounded incredulous. “No self-respecting gay man would consider it for a minute. Whatever made you think he’d be okay with this?”
“It’s just sex! He knows I have other commitments.”
John gave a disgusted snort. “You might as well leave money on the nightstand while you’re at it.”
Cole felt a stab of regret. “I never meant to insult him.”
“I say this in the kindest way possible, but you’re lucky he didn’t punch your lights out. I would have flattened you. Have you apologized?”
“No need. He doesn’t seem too eager to pursue any kind of relationship with me, physical or otherwise. In fact, I believe he’s starting to see someone else.”
“Does it bother you?” John challenged. “Tell me the truth.”
Cole was embarrassed to admit he hated the idea of anyone touching Sloan. He shrugged and remained silent. Fortunately, John was persistent and trained to pick up on silence.
“I think it bothers you tremendously.”
“Maybe a little.”
“Have you told Sloan about your eyes?”
“Not yet.”
“Why not?”
“I don’t want his pity.”
“For God’s sake, Cole. Don’t equate basic human kindness with pity.”
“At the moment, I can’t tell the difference. A large part of my attraction to him is because he doesn’t treat me like an invalid. We scream and fight like normal people. He doesn’t tiptoe around my feelings like Juliana.”
“And you think that will change if you were to tell him?”
“Of course. It’s changed everyone I know. They make me feel like I’m broken, whereas Sloan treats me like I’m whole.”
John was silent for several seconds, enjoying the baccalà. Finally, he put down his fork. “I think Sloan has jump-started emotions you’ve been burying for a long time. You owe it to yourself to explore this further, to see if he’s what you want. It’s the only way you can resolve this, Cole.”
“What about Juliana and our engagement?”
John shrugged his shoulders. “Have you ever seen the movie Runaway Bride?”
Chapter 24
“Fat Bottomed Girls” could be heard all the way down the hall as Cole stepped off the elevator. He stuck his key in the slot, and when he pushed the front door open, he was assaulted by the deafening chorus of Sloan’s favorite band. When he stormed into the room to read him the riot act, he was engulfed in a cloud of sickly-sweet, earthy vapors.
“Jesus Christ, Sloan. I could get high just standing here.”
“You want a hit?” Sloan’s reply was completely unapologetic.
“Didn’t we establish a no-smoking rule?”
“You said it didn’t apply to weed.”
“I didn’t think you planned on smoking an entire field at once.”
“Oh, lighten up, Cole. Have a hit and climb off your high horse.”
“You’re an asshole.”
Sloan giggled and took another drag. Cole grabbed the joint and inhaled deeply.
“Where have you been?” Sloan asked.
Cole was surprised. Sloan had never been interested in his whereabouts before.
“I had lunch with a friend.”
“Emily wanted me to thank you again.”
“I like her.”
“Do you?” Sloan seemed pleased by his comment.
“Yes. She’s genuine and a good friend to you.”
“Yeah, she’s the best.”
They passed the joint back and forth in silence, each consumed with his thoughts. Cole made an attempt to say something but thought better of it. He wasn’t up for a fight right then, and the weed was working its magic, making him mellow. Unfortunately, it was also making him horny.
“You still angry?” he asked Sloan, who was now standing beside the window. He’d opened it a crack to let in some fresh air.
Sloan didn’t reply. His gaze remained fixed on the landscape in the distance.
Cole got up and tapped him on the shoulder, hoping to get a better look. When Sloan turned in his direction, Cole was taken aback. Although his eyes were as beautiful as ever, the flat gray reminiscent of a flock of doves in Washington Square, they sparked with indignation.
“What is it, Sloan? You’ve been hostile since our last conversation.”
“When you asked me to be your mistress?”
“Why do you make it sound so ugly?”
“Because it’s a hideous and insulting proposition. We shared something special that night.” Sloan’s lips quivered a little as he spoke and he bit down hard, trying to contain the emotion. Cole reached out and cupped his face.
“Don’t touch me,” Sloan said, stepping back. “I know I’m your first, and you may as well have been mine, since the only other person who fucked me before you is on the West Coast and we didn’t connect. I made the mistake of thinking it was different with you, but it’s really not, is it? I was an experiment, a chance to pretend you were some fucking Japanese warlord with your convenient glory hole.”
“No, you’re wrong.”
“I’m not going to be the dirty secret you take out of your closet and play with occasionally. I need more, Cole.”
“What do you expect me to do?”
“I don’t know, but it sure as hell isn’t what you offered. You want to be a family man? Do it! Have the wife and kids and give it your best shot.” Sloan dissolved into tears and he swiped away the torrent with his right sleeve. “You’ve already made your decision. I don’t even know why we’re discussing this. Your engagement confirmed it, so forget about me and our little interlude. Chalk it up as a wish come true, but yo
u’ll never get another chance unless things change.”
Sloan brushed past him, but Cole hauled him back and asked in a panicky voice. “Where are you going?”
“Out, not that it’s any of your business.”
“With who?”
“What are you, the dating patrol?”
“So it’s a date?”
“Go to hell!”
Cole tightened his grip on Sloan’s arm. “Please, stay.”
“What for?”
“I was hoping we could spend the evening together and talk.”
“Talk?” Sloan asked bitterly. “Is this Cole-speak for fuck? You’re horny because of the weed, and you want me to get you off, don’t you? Well, screw you, Shogun. Find yourself another boy toy.”
Sloan snatched his phone off his desk, along with his keys. He took one last look at Cole and walked out, slamming the door behind him.
I had no idea where I was going, but I knew I couldn’t stick around for one more second, I’d end up kissing Cole and hating myself in the morning. Granted, it would probably be the most amazing makeup sex. Still…I refused to subject myself to more pain. If we boned, Cole was delusional enough to think I was on board with his unrealistic plan. For once, I was going to avoid the disaster before it started.
I checked my phone log and was relieved to see I hadn’t deleted Max’s phone number. I sent him a text, hoping he wasn’t too busy to see me. There were several questions I had about BDSM, and the only one who could answer them was Max. I found the whole idea of submission troubling, but the other stuff, whips and bondage, intrigued me. I wanted to learn more, but wasn’t sure if it was allowed without the groveling.
Max called instead of replying to my text. “What’s going on?”
“Sorry to bother you,” I apologized, hoping he wasn’t in the middle of something important. “Is this a bad time?”
“Not at all,” he replied easily. “How can I help?”
“Umm, I was wondering if we could go over some of the finer points of the reading material you shared.”
“So you did crack open the books.” Max’s voice shifted and purred. I could actually feel his dominant energy through the phone and was starting to get aroused.
Cutting Cords (Cutting Cords Series Book 1) Page 14
