by Faith Anna
Chapter Three
“Erin, the unit manager wants to see you after lunch for a brief orientation,” said the secretary, Lynn, with a broad smile. She continued, “He does that with every employee sent to our department.” It was obvious that Lynn, like the rest of the communications team, doted on the manager.
Lynn saw the nervousness on my face. “Don’t worry. He’s a good man.” I nodded with a tense smile. I had started work that week at the Minot branch of the Research Institute for World Peace. I had been there for two days but was yet to meet my boss. The Peace Institute or PI as it was commonly called was a huge organization with thousands of employees in New York and across the United States, Africa, Asia, and Middle East. Since obtaining a graduate degree in conflict management and resolution five years ago at the United Nations University, I had become an employee of the major non-profit organization. My position as a Senior Communications Officer was above entry level. If I worked hard, I would be a department head in no time. I would like to move to the headquarters in New York. I hoped that such a move would give me the break I longed for. What exactly did you long for? I could not immediately arrive at an answer. I needed to think – that was what smart people did, right? I did not believe I was smart though.
The manager’s door was ajar like everyone else’s office. The PI had an ‘open door’ policy in that regard as well as in other areas. I could not see his desk from where I was standing at the entrance. I knocked hesitantly on the door. I walked in upon the invitation to enter.
“Good afternoon Mr.….” I just stood there in shock. It was Michael.
Michael stood up smiling. “Hi Erin!”
I stood staring at him as though rooted on the spot. Why do I always do this to my introvert self? My self-esteem was making a quick nose dive, not the gradual retrogression of recent years. Show some confidence, the voice spoke from within speechless self.
I slowly began to recover from the shock. “You’re the unit manager?” Lisa had not mentioned that at the airport. Was it wrong to expect that I should have been told I was meeting my unit head then? Don’t panic. Breathe in. Out. In. Out.
Michael had that boyish fetching smile that accentuated his finely chiseled features. “Yeah. Welcome to the unit.”
I remembered that Dick also smiled at everyone like he was the creator’s gift to them. Who would believe he was truly the devil I knew and the angel others knew. Sometimes I felt idioms should be taken literally!
I focused on Michael. It dawned on me that I was frowning.
Straightening my face, I tried to smile. “Thanks,” I said hoping it was the appropriate response. I was one of those whose faces revealed what they were thinking or feeling. Trying to unscrew my face and produce a smile must have twisted my face further into an unbecoming expression.
If Michael noticed, he did not show it. Trying to shift my attention away from his broad shoulders and athletic build, I reminded myself that I knew his kind: dangerous, ruthless, and abusive.
“Please sit; I’ll just explain a few things to you about your duties….” His kind was the epitome of excellent gentility in public but at home a terror. You don’t even know him! I ignored the scolding voice.
Michael talked and most of what he said that day I will never know. The battle between my voice and that other voice and my conflicting feelings for the man kept me preoccupied. Each time I was jolted to reality by Michael’s voice, I became fidgety. The attraction I felt for him made me uncomfortable in his company. Did I like or dislike him? I was not sure.
Michael was wearing blue cotton, long-sleeved shirt that added a blue hint to his eyes. I was now more confused as to the color of his eyes. I concluded he was a human chameleon – changing according to context. He would charm a woman off her feet, get his staff eating out of his hands, and yet a barbarian at home.
“Has Lynn got you your own computer yet?”
It took me a while to process the question. “Yes, thank you,” I replied attempting another awful smile and hoping I succeeded in hiding the irritable edge from my voice. Like I would surprise myself. Remember, first impressions are important! I ignored the voice again. However, it was such a relief that humans cannot smile and frown at the same time.
“Okay. Feel free to come to me with any questions you may have.” Perhaps he was getting the picture and was not as thick-skinned as Dick.
I got up so fast I was momentarily ashamed. “Thank you.” I avoided meeting his eyes as I walked out. Such mean thoughts were alien to the person I used to be. With deliberate effort, I pushed the thought aside. Maybe one of his tactics was pushing people into guilt trips.
As I walked down the corridor into my office, I was overcome by shame. What happened to the compassionate, good natured woman I used to be? I had no right to judge anyone, not even if I knew for a fact that they were such people. Assumptions and stereotyping were some of my major turn-offs and there I was acting out of character. How ironic. I inhaled deeply and then exhaled. That felt better. Still feeling a bit weighed down, I promised myself to work on my thoughts.
**********
Within a fortnight I had settled into the regular routine of the job at the Minot office. Our office was located in Broadway, the central road which ran the entire length of the town; with other side streets linking to it. Everyone at work was nice and ready to assist me with any questions I had, especially with finding my way around. Although a laid-back town, Minot was a lovely place to be. The people were hospitable and I could get everything I needed the mall, and from other shops scattered all over the town.
Meeting Michael changed my life. He brought out, without lifting a finger, a wild side I did not know I had. Before a month was over, I had mutated from a shy, conservative woman to one who broke all the rules. I had no control over my emotions or actions. The only password my body program understood was Michael Andersen. What was happening to me? I did not recognize myself anymore and I was helpless to do anything about it.
As much as possible, I avoided going to Michael’s office. I rarely saw him and was cordial whenever I did. Occasionally, he sought me out by coming to my office to enquire how I was doing. One day, I was on my way to a colleague’s office when I saw him coming out of an office in the adjourning corridor. I turned my face in a different direction and walked on. By the time I was coming back, he was standing in the hallway, talking with a staff member. As he saw me, he gave me one of those charming smiles I suppose he reserved for women. Casanova Extraordinaire. So much for the decision to entertain better thoughts, I scolded myself for rescinding on that promise.
Michael had cut his hair which made him look even more handsome. I kept my eyes on his face for longer than usual, then caught myself. Before walking past, I gave him a tentative smile, nodded at the other employee whom I had been introduced to but could not remember his name. People always said they loved my smile. I hoped that was the one I gave him. Tit for tat, you know.
After that, things went pretty much as was my style. I was friendly with everyone but seemed to be in the background as well. I was good at minding my own business and never forming or joining an alliance. When colleagues talked about people, I never knew who and what they were talking about.
“I don’t know what’s with her,” said Judy an office assistant in the general office. We were in the kitchen area getting coffee and tea.
“She was shouting at Andy the other day like she’s his boss. He was so startled he couldn’t even reply,” Carrissa from finance elaborated.
“She needs to get laid,” added a man whose name and department I did not know.
They all laughed almost hysterically.
“That won’t be happening,” pronounced Judy.
“She needs to lose some.”
“I know!” exclaimed Carrissa who in my humble, non-expert opinion and observation needed to lose some herself. But that won’t be happening either, I thought as I watched her down a large
piece of chocolate cake, a piece of pizza – I could see the bacon, cheese, and pepperoni. One thing though: that girl knew how to eat with relish. I admired that.
I wished I could eat in a way that looked like I was enjoying the food. I did not like food much and ate barely enough to survive. When I was under pressure – which was most times – my stomach knotted up causing my appetite to embark on a 100 meter sprint. It remained at the finish line indefinitely. Sometimes, I took matters into my own hands by sending vitamin soldiers to arrest and drag it back. But with little, slow success.
Did you even know what I was talking about? I was not going melodramatic. I promise! It was not Dick. And it was certainly not Michael. Anyway, how could I get ruthless men to succumb to a guileless woman like me? Not even in my dreams. I was only referring to my gutless – no pun intended – appetite that always took flight at the slightest hint of a challenge. Yes, challenges not problems. It was then it suddenly dawned on me that I was emotionally challenged. That was why I had stayed with Dick and taken all the crap from him.
Physically challenged people learned to live above their challenge – of course, with help and love from family, friends and professionals. But what did emotionally challenged people do? Go to a shrink? That never worked, not even in movies. I could think of ten movies where going to shrinks made matters worse. Let’s see… Robert De Niro in… in…. My memory seemed to be failing me just like many other things in my life. And I was boasting of my telegraphic memory not long ago. Perhaps I needed more vitamins, especially Omega 3, 6, 9. Perhaps there were Omega 12, 15 and 18 too. It appeared they were named so you could divide them by three. Anyway, what did I know? After all, math was not my strong point – too abstract for creative minds. My apologies to those who might take offence – I had a tendency to step on toes when I babbled.
Chapter Four
One thing that I liked about romantic attraction was the excitement it brought whenever you saw the object of your lust. Nothing might come out of being enamored by that person but that feeling was worth experiencing while it lasted, regardless of the disappointment that might follow.
I remember one day, as I was copying some documents in the secretary’s office, I saw Michael coming towards me. My heart started racing and I could barely utter a greeting. I was not sure what my thoughts and feelings were but I certainly had a fluttering, pleasurable feeling in many parts of my body.
Then he was stopped by my team leader, Arnold, who was getting something from the secretary. “Hi Michael, I’ve just mailed the peace accord report to the US ambassador to the UN.” Arnold said to Michael.
“That’s good. Let’s keep our fingers crossed.”
“Yes.” Then Arnold turned to me, “Hey Erin, do you need help with the copier? It’s been acting out all day.”
“Looks like it is working fine now. Thanks, Arnold.”
Michael looked at me with his killer smile in place. “You do have a personal password for the copier, right?”
I responded with a friendly smile. “I do, thanks.”
Arnold looked from me to Michael and smiled. “That’s unfair. I was here for nearly six months before I was given a password. This is favoritism.”
They laughed. Then Michael said, “She’s special.”
When he said that, I felt elated. I went as far as concluding he was indeed a good man and I was lucky to have him as my unit head. Was I that shallow? I had frequently been described as a deep girl. Except of course for the inner voice making me think I was shallow based on my choice of spouse.
In addition to my treacherous heart, there was a spring to my feet which I tried to ignore as I walked back to my office. Do not let him suck you in too. No negative thoughts, remember? But my overactive mind had shifted into overdrive. Men like him kept mental harems where women who had fallen for him lived. To their detriment, of course. He was the kind who used a girl and dumped her. How do you know these things? When did you become clairvoyant? Has he made a pass at you? The voice and my thoughts were driving me crazy! Was that what ‘there is no peace for the wicked’ meant? After all, thinking evil of someone was not an act of love but wickedness.
**********
From the break room gossips, I learned that Michael and his wife were separated. It was also clear that every staff thought he was a great guy. That put a check in me. In my experience, many men who were very nice outside were the opposite at home. I did not need research statistics from the psychology department of any university to know that. I had seen it often. Also, after years of marriage to Dick, I saw how everyone who met him believed he was an amazing guy. Except me the evil drama queen who deserved what I got. No one would believe the emotional and verbal abuse he was inflicting on me and I never bothered to tell them.
I walked into the lunchroom a bit preoccupied with thoughts of how far to go with the recommendations I was including in my report. Would they yield far-reaching results if implemented? I liked to look at the big picture.
`Two female colleagues, Liz and Trish, were sitting and chatting as they ate their lunch.
“Hi,” I smiled at them.
Trish beamed at me. “Hi Erin!”
“How’re you doing, Erin?” asked Liz. “What a beautiful jacket! Where did you buy it?” she gushed.
“Thanks. I got it from Foschini in Pretoria.”
“Girl, you look hot in everything you wear,” Trish said, looking me over like a horse in the market. I did not know what to say.
Just then June walked in. “I know! She just isn’t aware of how endowed she is.”
I smiled at them, still unable to say anything. What was I to say? ‘Thank you’? Everyone said I said that too much, as it was! I smiled and busied myself at the sink. Then I took the seat closest to the ladies, munching a piece of celery stick.
June sat with Liz and Trish and chatted with them like friends. There’s no need to wish you were more outgoing. Be happy with who you are. It was that voice in my head speaking again. Somehow, I could distinguish between it and my thoughts.
“Have you noticed how Jill seems to control the supervisors and managers, especially Michael?” My head turned towards Liz as I heard Michael’s name. She was looking at her fruit and vegetable medley tray.
“But Jill has told me some nasty things about Michael’s personal life. If he’s been nice to her, why would she do that?” June’s voice portrayed her confusion.
“Because she’s a conniving, heartless bitch,” said Liz biting off a piece of carrot.
June seemed to have joined the tabloid bandwagon. “She says creepy things. Have you been to her house? I never went again after the first time.”
Trish nodded. “I know what you mean.”
Liz halted while rinsing out her coffee mug in the sink and said, “I still wonder how she does it. The other day, Michael was defending her to my boss for some money she spent which she couldn’t account for. I almost disliked Michael then.” Her perfectly arched eye brows lifted in a frown.
“He’s a weak man. His wife, Gina, abused him and treated him like her slave. I knew them from way back in Connecticut. The more she treated him like shit, the more subservient to her he was,” said Trish, her voice laced with scorn.
It was like my experience with Dick. Dick and Gina would have made a perfect match. I did not know until I began to read about abuse and learned that abused men developed a disorder which resulted in their liking women who manipulated and used them. The more they were exploited and shown to be weak, the more they liked their oppressor. It was disgusting and pitiable. I was not sure what to think of Michael if what the women were saying about him was true.
“Are they divorced now?” asked Carol who had walked in as the conversation shifted to Michael’s marriage. It might be workable to make the lunchroom a news studio and broadcast across every room in the building.
“No. She got separated from him and I don’t know why. Perhaps when she finds a man who’s
ready to accept her ugly ass, she’d give Michael the final shove.” My guess was that there was no love lost between Trish and Michael’s wife.
“Is there hope for her in that department – you know, finding a man?” I wondered why Liz asked that.
“I don’t see her letting him go even though they’re separated. Where would she find such a man who’d tolerate and love her like Michael?” Trish seemed to really hate Michael’s wife. Did they have a history?
“I wonder what happened that they’re estranged. Do you think there’s something between Michael and Jill?” Carol asked.
I had met Jill a few times. She was a petite woman. I had thought she was ill because she looked emaciated. Under her eyes were large dark patches. I avoided her because all she told me was negative stuff about colleagues and then pretended to be friends when talking with them, not just colleagues.
“Not on your life. Even if he was unstable, he wouldn’t go for someone like her,” asserted Tina, replacing Liz who left the ‘newsroom’ moments ago. She shook her head and added, “He should be put in a mental hospital if he has any kind of interest in her.”
They laughed as they walked out. I was so embarrassed by the conversation. For some reason I could not decipher, I was also angry. I was not sure if my anger was because of my long standing dislike for gossip and gossips or because they were talking about Michael. Anyway, what was he to me? Puff!
At least they remembered to say “See you later, Erin.”
After the ladies left, I remained preoccupied by what I had just heard. Jill was married and her husband worked at the PI too. I knew Jill was manipulative but by no stretch of the imagination could the workers seriously think that Michael was having an affair with her. On the other hand, the preferential treatment they had said Michael gave her was cause for concern. She had been at the Minot office six months before I got there but already Michael had her in committees he was in and according to Tina, who worked in finance, he recklessly approved all her requests. Perhaps there was some truth in the gossip. You know the saying: ‘There’s no smoke without fire.’ I began to have a nagging feeling that something fishy was going on between Michael and Jill.
