We spent our wedding night in our new home. I know if you were here, you’d whisper questions about being with a man. I’d tell you too. I’d tell you being with a man is beautiful. At least being with a good man is. I cannot write more than that. (I know if this does not reach you, someone at the dead letter office will read it, and I could never stand for my secrets to fall into the hands of the clerks.)
I was afraid I’d have regrets or fears, but I have none. Lucas is quiet, but he is kind. We told my parents the next day. My mother brushed her hands together and then asked me if I’d change the baby. It was strange and heartbreaking. I suppose I had hoped marrying would somehow change me in her eyes. We stayed and I played with the little ones and then we left. I’d always hoped my mother would see me differently. I’ve wanted her approval since I was a little girl. And though I’d still like it, I will not change my course in order to gain it.
Lucas’s parents are poor but kind. They gave us a set of four tin mugs as a wedding gift. I know it’s a simple gift, but it felt like a welcoming embrace. His mother pulled me aside and told me how she had prayed that her son would find a good woman. She had tears in her eyes when she said it.
I live in my own apartment now. We walked for hours yesterday looking for flowers. We walked together through the city, all the way to the outskirts. I told Lucas my hopes for our home. I told him I wanted to make it bright and happy. I don’t think he understood it all, but he took my hand and walked with me until we’d found a handful of bright flowers, then he bought a little vase to put them in and set it on our table. That gesture won my heart completely. I could not have found a better man. I knew then that our love, though different from some, was just as valid and real.
The only thing missing here is you. I am happy, though, knowing you are following your own heart and doing what you felt led to do. My heart soars knowing you have met your Thomas and that he is not a grumpy old man. Your words about his handsomeness and dancing have left me longing for more details. I feel as though I am missing the second half of a novel. I must know everything. Have you brought him hope? Has he fallen for you? I like to think he has. I hope your heart is fluttering around like you always imagined it would.
I have laughed over your stories of Honey and her troublesome ways. She was always begging you for more freedom, and now she has it.
Last night I sewed buttons on a shirt for Lucas. He sat in a chair beside me, balancing an account book. And in that moment, I was very grateful this is my life. I spent many years lamenting the hardships of my youth. I know your heart aches too. You lost a great deal. Your fortune and your father. I hope you’ll one day have a beautiful moment when it all makes sense. I hope you have a moment when you know the road you’ve walked was not a mistake but a route leading you to happiness despite the bumps along the way. My moment brought a smile to my face. I imagine you’ll be ever so much more dramatic. I miss you.
Your friend,
Dinah
“That’s all it says.” Penny turned her head toward Honey, who lay convalescing on the floor. “I wish there were more. I’ve missed her so. More now than ever before.”
Penny closed her eyes. The peaceful moments Dinah spoke of seemed out of reach. Impossible, even.
She had spent four days lying in bed, fighting the pain that screamed through her body. Thomas had visited often. He had mostly read to her or sat silent as he held her hand. She had overheard him talking to her while he thought she was sleeping. Over and over again, he apologized. Normally his ramblings only left her with more questions. She had planned to ask them, but she’d been so exhausted. Only now was she able to read and think clearly.
Lifting the blankets, she looked down at her splinted and bandaged leg. The pain was becoming tolerable. If she kept it still, she could pass the time in relative comfort. But sitting still all day presented different challenges. A heaviness invaded her chest as she worried over the fire, who started it, and the expense of being laid up. The doctor alone would cost her the meager savings she had left.
A knock sounded on the door. She dropped the blanket back down.
“Come in.”
“You’re awake.” Thomas opened the door and stood with a tray in his hands. “May I?”
“Of course. I was just reading the letter my friend wrote.” She put Dinah’s letter on the little bedside table.
“Was it happy news?”
Penny managed to smile despite her melancholy. “She’s married. There was a time when she had given up on that dream. I’m happy for her. She had feared she would never have a house and life of her own.” She looked down, afraid if he saw her eyes he’d see the pain in them. He’d see her fears of being alone or married to a man of her uncle’s choosing. Already, he worried too much over her. “I’ve not met her husband, Lucas, but she says he’s a good man.”
“I’m sorry you missed her wedding.” He set down the tray on the bedside table. “I can fetch you paper so you can write her back.”
“I’ll write her soon. I’m not sure I feel up to it yet. I promised I’d write her about everything, but I don’t want to send bad news.” She tilted her head back and looked up at the ceiling. “My friend married in secret.”
Thomas settled into the chair beside the bed. “I’m sure her parents were sorry they couldn’t be there.”
“I don’t know if they were. When Dinah lived at home, her father drank all the time and her mother was so busy caring for all the other children that she rarely did anything but order Dinah around. They probably miss the income she brought in.” Penny picked at her rough thumbnail as she tried to imagine Dinah a married woman. “She’s going to make a different sort of home for herself now.” She turned toward him. “There was a time when my parents would have thrown me the largest wedding in DC. My mother still dreams of it. The newspapers would have talked about it on the front page. I don’t care about such things now. But I do miss my father and my friend, and I long for the mother of my youth. I suppose I’m just feeling sorry for myself.” She shifted on the bed. “We’re all entitled to a blue day every now and again, are we not?”
“I know I’ve had my fair share. I won’t begrudge you as many as you need.”
“Life has turned out so different than I imagined. Not just because of my leg, but all of it.”
He took her hand. Her heart fluttered even though she knew it was not a romantic gesture.
She looked at her hand in his. His skin was rough and darkened by the sun. She felt the calluses that covered the underside of his palm. Since her injury the two had grown closer as they shared in her recovery and divulged bits of themselves. She longed to be closer still.
He pressed his fingers tightly around hers. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I wish I could fix it all.”
“My father liked saying that pain was not the enemy.” She lifted her gaze to his eyes. “But sometimes it feels like it is. Loneliness hurts, my leg hurts, and my heart hurts. I don’t think any good could come from it. And yet, I am grateful you are here holding my hand.”
He swallowed. “I don’t understand how it all works. I’d go back and change so many things in my own life if I could. But I’m glad I’m here now.”
“You are?”
“I am.” His hand tightened around hers as he scooted his chair nearer to her. “I’m a better person in Azure Springs than I was in Alexandria. And pain brought me here. I’m still making peace with it all, but I’m grateful I got here even if the road was rocky and marred with pain.”
“Someday, will you tell me about Alexandria and why you left?”
“I will. You get well first. I think you still have much convalescing to do.”
She groaned. “I don’t think I’m the sort who was made for convalescing.”
“You’ll be back to dancing before you know it. And I think Honey might just be back to running for the mud before long. She won’t even stay on the bed I made her. She’s always scooting toward you. You were the medicine she ne
eded.” He lifted a bowl from the tray. “Margaret has sent instructions. She says you are to eat all of this. If I bring it back with even one bite in it, she’ll have my head.” He handed her the bowl. “Do you need help?”
“I can manage.” She stared blankly at the bowl.
“Would you like me to go?”
She shook her head. “No. I enjoy having company. But if your fields need you—”
“They don’t.” He ran his hands along the arms of the chair. “Buying that farm was a wise decision. One that didn’t make sense but I’m grateful for. I’m not a farmer, but I was a man who needed solitude and something to keep me busy while I found my way. But I don’t think I’ll be a farmer forever.”
“What will you do? Will you leave Azure Springs?”
“I suppose in some ways it depends on who burned the barn. I won’t stay in town if I am putting anyone in danger.” His shoulders rose then fell as he shrugged. “I came here knowing I could come or go as seemed right. But I like it here. And I like the Dawson place. I just don’t know that I’ll be there forever.”
Penny pressed her lips together. She tried to imagine Azure Springs without Thomas, but she couldn’t.
“Go ahead. Say what you’re holding back.”
“Very well. Don’t you need to work? How can you survive if your crops have failed? It doesn’t work like that. At least not for most people.” Penny winced. “I shouldn’t have said that. It’s not any of my business and terribly unladylike of me to ask.”
“Nonsense. You can ask me whatever you wish. The truth is, I still have some money coming in from Alexandria.” He shifted in his seat. “Money’s not been a worry, not ever.”
Penny shook her head. “It’s been so long since I could live like that. I’ve been busily counting coins for years.”
“But you’re not working now.”
“I saved for many years. Just a few coins here and there. I’ve been using that money to live off of since I’ve been here. It will not last forever.” She had Margaret dig her money box from her trunk early today. She would not make it much longer. “The day will come when I’ll have to return to work or live off my uncle’s charity.” She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Someday soon I’ll have to head back. Once I’m well enough to travel, it’ll be time to decide what to do—work or a marriage of my uncle’s choosing are my options.”
“And your book?”
“It’s still a dream. But dreams don’t pay for doctors or for board.” She squirmed uneasily. The room felt warmer and she wished she could stand up and go to the window for fresh air. Instead, she changed the subject. “Tell me, have you found Josephine? Or learned more of the fire? Did you catch the man? I feel as though I’ve missed everything. I have so many questions now that I’m well enough to ask them.”
“We’ve asked around. A few people have passed through town lately, but no one who would have a reason to go to my place. The sheriff hasn’t been able to find anyone with a motive.” He leaned closer to her and took her hand again. “There’s really no evidence of anything. There’s the man you saw and that’s all. I don’t like it. I won’t sleep soundly until I’m sure this town and you are safe. Have you remembered anything else?”
“I want you safe too.” She wanted that most of all. “I’ve tried to remember what I can about the man I saw. I think his horse was large and black.” She looked at their hands. His touch was distracting and comforting all at once. “You held my hand. It was you, wasn’t it? When I was in so much pain.”
He brought her fingers to his lips. “It was.”
“I took comfort in it.” She smiled. “I wish I knew more about the man. I wish I had answers for you.”
“Don’t worry over it. The sheriff is bound to find a lead.”
“Your barn—and Honey. It makes my skin crawl to think someone did this intentionally. We could have died out there.”
Thomas shushed her. “It’s all right. Try not to get upset. I promise everyone in town is talking about the fire and trying to put the pieces together. I trust them to help me find answers.”
“Did you not have someone watching your fields that night?” She let go of his hand, then ate a spoonful of the soup he had brought. The rich flavors of beef and onion awakened her stomach. “This is so good.”
“Margaret will be pleased. You’ve rejected most everything we’ve offered you.” He sat silently while she took another spoonful. “I did have a watchman, Joe, but he had asked for the night off. He’d been so eager to go, I couldn’t say no. It was such short notice that I couldn’t find anyone else. I thought with Honey there I’d hear someone if they came.”
He handed her a glass of water and she took a sip and handed it back to him. “At first I suspected Joe, but his story holds up. He was invited to dine with the Marlinskis. I believe he is sweet on their daughter. They say he was there. I can find no holes in his story.”
“But was he there in the morning? Surely, he was not.” She felt the same eagerness to solve the mystery of the fire that she’d felt so often before when she read an intriguing letter. “Whoever did this must know the Marlinskis well enough to know they were having Joe as a dinner guest.”
“I’ve thought that too. Or someone could have been watching for the right moment. In the morning, he was at home with his family. His parents and sisters all vouch for him. I don’t know who else to ask. I suspect Jeb’s involvement, but there’s been no proof. The sheriff even asked his wife. She says Jeb was at home with her during the time of the fire.” He grimaced. “It’s all very puzzling.”
“What of Josephine?” she asked again while handing him her bowl. “Have you found her?”
“She showed back up on her own. Hugh brought her into town and put her up in the stables for me. For a horse that doesn’t like me, she’s proven to be either dim-witted or loyal.” He rubbed the back of his neck. He opened his mouth as though he were going to speak, then shut it again.
“What is it?”
“You’ve . . . you’ve not looked this well yet. Your face has so much color today.” As did his. A rosy blush darkened his cheeks.
“Who knew I’d come out of the fire a different woman? Normally people only remark on how fair my skin is.” She laughed quietly. “I am glad to be feeling better. Though I do long for the day when I can move with ease.”
He continued to squirm in his seat. “I wanted to. I’ve . . . I’ve been wanting to tell you that I am grateful for what you did. I . . . I was somewhere else in my mind. The fire . . .”
“You are afraid of fire,” she whispered. “I dreamed you told me the other night. I dreamed many things.”
He brought her hand to his lips again and pressed a kiss to it. “I am afraid of fire. So afraid I could not think clearly. But you were there. You saved me. I don’t know why you were there that morning, but you were. And now you’re sitting here looking at me with your green eyes and I see nothing but sweetness and goodness despite the pain you’ve endured. I don’t deserve it.”
How was it that she could feel the touch of his lips throughout her entire body? “I’ve thanked God I was there. I’d do it all again for you. I would. Even knowing my leg would break. I’d still do it.”
“I am sorry about Honey too.” He looked toward the sleeping dog.
“I have never seen her so docile.” Penny’s eyes lingered on her four-legged friend. “Last night when neither of us could sleep, she crawled across the floor and laid near my bed. I told her I was going to be all right and she in her own way told me she would be too.” Penny took a deep breath as she tried to suppress the storm of emotions she felt. Excitement. Relief. Warmth. “Even if she were not to be, I would not blame you. I’ve seen a glimpse of your heart and it’s not wicked. You wouldn’t hurt her by choice, and I cannot blame you for an accident.”
“You don’t blame me?”
“No. Bad things happen. And since the fire you have taken care of us and we will be well again. That’s what y
ou could control. You were there for us when we needed you. I felt you holding my hand when I was lost to the pain. You gave me something to hold on to.”
“I am here. I want to help you pass the time while you recover. Whatever it is that will help, tell me and I will be your faithful servant.” He winked. “What is it your heart desires?”
She scrunched up her face while she thought. What did she desire? A good many things, but she could not voice them all.
“Go on. You can ask for anything,” he said. “I want to help.”
“You don’t have to feel guilty. You owe me nothing.” She could still hear him screaming for Clara. “You don’t have to take care of me. I didn’t go into the barn expecting anything from you. That’s not why I ran to you. I will not hold this over your head.”
He leaned forward and put a hand under her chin. Gently, he turned her face toward him. Their eyes locked. “I want to be here. I’ve never wanted anything so badly. Tell me what I can do to make your days better. Let me help. Please.”
She took a deep breath, then latched onto a desire she felt safe enough now to say aloud. “Write me a letter.”
“A letter?” he said as he brought his hands to his lap.
She nodded. “With my name on it.”
“I can do that,” he said. “I don’t have a lot of experience though. I can’t promise you’ll enjoy it.”
“I know you’ve written before.”
He sat back in his chair. “I have written before. But I never intended for most of the letters I wrote to be read.” He cleared his throat. “That sounded far more mysterious than I intended.”
“It’s all right. You don’t have to explain to me. It was a silly idea.”
Yours Truly, Thomas Page 20
