by Phil Gabriel
“But I’ve heard your stories,” she said, limbering up with some stretches. “You’ve been to New York many times.”
“Yeah, when I was at full power, the ban was merely an annoyance,” I said. “Now that I’m weaker, they might be able to do some damage.”
“No problem,” said Kitty-Sue. “Take a bodyguard.”
One of the drawbacks to imposed truthfulness is the inability to lie to yourself. A glance in the mirror showed that I was still a weak, denture-wearing old man. On the magical front, my injuries were still healing. The tattoos I used to conduct the various forms of magical energy had been damaged severely when I routed all my life energy through them in the battle with Jorōgumo. Sections of the glyphs had been burned off, along with a considerable amount of skin. Now that the worst of the burns had healed, it would take an expert artist and specialized equipment to renew them. I had several vials of dragon’s blood in my bag, which could be used for the repair. The only problem was that the artists I knew would want an equal quantity of dragon’s blood for payment.
I briefly considered doing the tattoos myself, but a glance at my arthritic hands showed that that wasn’t an option. Even at my best, I didn’t have the ability. It would be like a doctor operating on himself.
The only artist I trusted to do the work lived in New York, giving me a second reason to go.
Kitty-Sue was right; I needed a bodyguard.
“What about taking—“started Kitty-Sue.
“Akiko?” I interrupted. “She’s great, and very powerful, but would hesitate to take a life. I’m afraid this trip might require some killing.” I didn’t tell her that Akiko’s aversion to killing was not only a personal choice but one of the only limitations I had forced on her in exchange for freeing her from her curse.
Now who did I know that had preternatural reflexes, no aversion to killing, could resist magical attacks, and I trusted with my life?
My gaze fell upon Kitty-Sue. She sat in a seiza crouch with her tail erect. She made a motion too quick to follow with her hands and was suddenly holding one of her throwing knives and a whetstone. Eyes closed and with perfect calm, she started sharpening her blade.
Now, who did I know? I had a list of teammates from the SEAL team. They were long since retired but might be able to give me a lead. The only problem with the mercenary types was that they wanted to be paid in cash, and in advance. I could offer much more than money: healing, limited rejuvenation, or good luck charms that really worked. The problem was, would they believe me? I had never revealed my abilities to the team; they had just thought I was extremely strong, extremely fast, and extremely lucky.
Now an old fart shows up promising magic. Those hard-headed warriors wouldn’t believe anything without extensive proof. Proof of magic was hard to provide. Mundane tended to explain away even the most obvious signs of the supernatural. I had once lifted a Humvee by the rear bumper, only to hear that I had planted a jack under the frame.
I put that idea on the back burner. A pair of mosquitoes had entered the room and circled my head with a high-pitched whine. Due to my weakened condition, the bug zapper spell that normally kept insects away from my skin no longer worked.
Now Kitty-Sue was performing a one-handed handstand while balancing the tip of the knife on her other hand, bouncing the knife between fingers in a juggling act that would have given the most accomplished circus performer a heart attack.
What about someone from the magical realm? There weren’t many magicians I could trust. Of course, once they gave their word, it would be a compelling contract. But who? That self-styled wizard in Chicago? Barry, Larry, something, the fairy godson? We hadn’t left on the best of terms. He had wanted to draft me into his war against his fairy godmother, and I had slipped away. Strike him from the list. Who else? My list of friends was woefully short. Was I really that hard to get along with?
Now Kitty-Sue was performing handstand push-ups, her only sign of exertion an increase in the depth of her breathing. The blade was balanced on her big toe, adding six inches to her height. Her breasts were so firm that even the upside-down position didn’t deform their beauty.
How about witches? I shuddered at the thought. There was no witch in the world that I could trust. They couldn’t even trust each other. Where most magicians were compelled to tell the truth, witches had no compunctions about lying to take advantage. They only kept to a contract when faced with overwhelming force.
Kitty-Sue was really distracting. I was about to ask her to leave when she touched her head to the ground one last time, pushed off with a grunt, performed a forward flip in midair, and came down on her toes facing me. The knife appeared in her hand for a second, then was flying towards my face. I froze as the blade sailed past my ear with a whirring sound and embedded itself in the wall behind me. The whining noise of one of the mosquitoes abruptly stopped.
“Mosquitoes,” said Kitty-Sue. “I hate that sound.”
I smiled at her and said, “You know, you’ll have to pay for the repairs.”
I continued my thought. Strong, fast, resistant to magical attacks, trustworthy. Kitty-Sue tilted her head in query and raised one eyebrow while running her fingers across the diamond collar that bound her to me.
Then, it hit me, the perfect person! Why hadn’t I seen it before?
“Kitty-Sue,” I asked, taking a sip of wine and noting her sudden smile, “is your sister still around?”
The next knife came so quickly I couldn’t see it. But I felt it whiz past my ear, and a tuft of hair dropped to the floor. I jerked and spilled some wine on my shirt.
The buzzing continued, so I said, “You missed that one.”
“It can still fly,” she responded, “but can no longer drink blood.”
I wiped my wine-stained shirt with a tissue. “What about your sister? Do you think she would work for me?” All I had done was make her give Princess back and pay damages. Could she still be holding a grudge?
“She promised to kill you the next time she sees you,” hissed Kitty-Sue through gritted teeth.
“Yeah,” I said, “but I don’t think she was serious. Maybe if I offered her payment?”
“Scott,” she said through gritted teeth, “you put her in a pet carrier and offered her to the highest bidder at a furry convention.”
“Yeah,” I replied, “Fat Frankie met the reserve, and that skin condition is curable. She could have had fun with him, and I would have gotten my money back that way.
“Anyway, she paid up and avoided the whole auction thing.”
“You knew she was a thief when you invited her to your bed. What did you expect? Of course, she stole your silly magic sword.”
“‘Steal from a magician,’” I replied, quoting my mentor, “‘you’re open to any bargain he wishes.’ ‘Wishes for wishes,’ we say.
“Anyway,” I continued, “Once she saw Frankie, she paid up, so I got my money back. No harm, no foul. I thought kitsune liked practical jokes?”
“We like playing practical jokes, not receiving them.” She turned her head away with a sniff.
“You know,” I said quietly, “I did that to save her.”
“What do you mean?”
“The fae punishment for theft is cutting off a hand, just like in Saudi Arabia,” I said. “If I had allowed that magic blade to exact justice, no amount of shapeshifter magic would have made her hand grow back.
“I did things that way because I didn’t want to hurt you or your family,” I said, looking away. Even if she was a thieving bitch that would have left me to die. “The rules of fae magic are harsh.”
Despite the level of their sibling rivalry, Kitty-Sue would have never forgiven me if I had killed or mutilated her sister.
“It doesn’t matter to her,” said Kitty-Sue. “She would never believe that the punishment would be enacted. She still blames you.”
“I still need a bodyguard,” I said, “and she’s the only shapeshifter I know that’s crazy enough to do it.”<
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“Scott, honey,” she said, coming closer until we were eye to eye, “forget my crazy sister! Why don’t you ask me?”
“You?” I said. “But I thought you didn’t want to travel?”
It was a pretty good idea. Kitty-Sue was a shifter, fast, deadly, and loyal. I was glad I thought of it.
As if in agreement, the stereo turned itself on and Whitney Houston’s “I Will Always Love You” came on.
“See,” I said, “even Euterpe agrees that you should be my bodyguard.”
Kitty-Sue gave me an askance look to remind me not to bring up ex-girlfriends. I walked over and turned the stereo off.
“So...” I said, putting my hands on her shoulders and giving my best smile, “Kitty-Sue, would you like to come to New York with me as my bodyguard?”
“I don’t know,” she said, shrugging off my hands and turning her face away. “I’m having second thoughts.”
She stepped away from me, tail swishing in anger, then looked back with a calculating look. “But, since you did mention payment, maybe we can work something out?”
Ahh, bargaining, a magician’s bread and butter. “What would you like to receive?” I asked as I sat back down in my chair.
“Ohh, I don’t know,” she said. “Pay my travel expenses, living expenses, some shopping in New York, maybe a short side trip to visit some tourist attractions in New York.”
“I think I can work with that,” I said. “Travel, lodging, and ten thousand in shopping money, plus a side trip while in New York.” How much could a tour cost? I was getting off cheap.
“Agreed,” she said, clapping her hands. “Once we are done, I want to go to Niagara Falls!”
“Great,” I replied, setting my wineglass down, “but why Niagara Falls?”
She jumped into my lap, curling up like the world’s largest kitten. I felt a tingle at the back of my neck as she said, “Because I have always dreamed of going to Niagara Falls for my honeymoon!”
Shocks ran up and down my spine as my ghost student Akiko manifested in a boom.
“What is this about a honeymoon?” she asked ominously.
Twelve
OK, My Bodyguards
“What’s this about a honeymoon?” asked Akiko-san.
“We’re just planning our trip to Niagara Falls,” said Kitty-Sue smugly as she wriggled her butt more firmly against my lap.
“Akiko-san,” I interrupted, “this is a business trip. I have to go to New York to complete a magical contract.”
“I go too,” stated Akiko firmly as she crossed her arms.
I hesitated at ordering her to stay behind. Akiko was becoming a powerful magician but was hindered by her inability to proactively defend herself. It would probably be safer to leave her in Tokyo, with dangers that she knew how to avoid. On the other hand, she would be a great help setting up the quantum data links.
Jumping up quickly, Kitty-Sue faced Akiko and said smugly, “I’m his bodyguard! We won’t need you. He needs a flesh-and-blood bodyguard”—she wiggled her butt in time with her words—“not a wisp of spirit that’ll blow away.” Nodding to herself, Kitty-Sue sat back down in her chair.
“Wisp?” said Akiko, eyes glowing brightly with unleashed energy. Sparkles of electricity ran through her ghostly form. “I show you how wisp I am!” She brought up her hand, forefinger glowing, ready to send lightning bolts.
I jumped between them. “Whoa, ladies,” I said. “This is exactly why I can’t bring both of you. I can’t have you fighting every day. This job is too important to let your jealousy interfere. If you two can’t get along, I’ll have to go alone.”
The girls shared a glance and a nod. I realized I had already set the terms. If they could get along, both could go. Kitty-Sue’s tail lowered, and Akiko’s lightning faded away.
“We’ll get along better than sisters,” said Kitty-Sue as Akiko nodded in agreement.
“No pet dishes,” I said, looking at Akiko, “and no funeral rice bowls,” I said, looking at Kitty-Sue.
“OK,” said Kitty-Sue, “no practical jokes. I still don’t see what help the ghost can be.”
“I no sleep,” stated Akiko simply. “I best bodyguard because I don’t get tired.”
That is a handy attribute in a bodyguard; even Kitty-Sue had to nod in agreement. “Yes,” she said, “you can watch him while I go shopping with my salary.”
“Salary?” said Akiko. “What salary?”
“Scott-san will pay me ten thousand dollars to be his bodyguard,” replied Kitty-Sue.
That led to an awkward conversation about money. You would think that a ghost has no need for cash, right? Well, it turned out that Akiko had been itching to try some of the more advanced magical techniques I had shown her, but had been held back by the lack of funds. As magicians, we can’t just “magic up” everything we need. Lots of items can’t be produced by magic: gold, unicorn blood, hihi’irokane, etc. We can do amazing things, but need the tools to build the tools to make the magic.
Finally, in an overabundance of equality, I agreed that Akiko needed to be paid the same as Kitty-Sue.
I thought that settled the matter. I had decided, in Solomon fashion, to give each of them equal amounts. Just as I was congratulating myself, Akiko said, “Scott-Sensei, do I get ‘honeymoon’ too?”
I took a quick look at Kitty-Sue, wondering if she had put Akiko up to this, but all I saw was her smirk. Taking a deep breath, I said, “Akiko-san, of course you will join us for the honeymoon. I’m really looking forward to spending time with you.”
The look Kitty-Sue gave me was too complex to decipher.
Three days later, we were on our way to Narita Airport for our US flight.
Just before leaving the apartment to catch our taxi, Kitty-Sue said, “I might need your help getting through security.” Her eyes were downcast; she didn’t like asking anyone for help.
“Sure,” I replied, “anything for my bodyguard. Do you need a fake passport, visa, or documents?”
“No,” she said, “I have all the documents I need. I don’t have any way to get my knives through the magnetic detector.”
“No problem,” I said. “Give them to me and I’ll keep them in my satchel.”
“Won’t they search your satchel?” she asked.
“Kitty-Sue,” I replied, “they won’t even see the bag. That’s how I’m going to get Princess through security. Now, give me your knives, and I’ll hide them away.”
She stepped into the bathroom for a few minutes and returned holding an alarming amount of edged weaponry. As she handed over the items piece by piece, her expression darkened. She really hated being without weapons.
I traced the glyph that opened the satchel, slid her armory into the bag, then added Princess to the collection. “Princess,” I said as I placed her in the satchel, “be a good girl and keep Kitty-Sue’s knives company.” Princess acknowledged my instructions with a zither-like “OK.”
Closing the satchel, I willed the dragonskin into camouflage mode, and it faded into invisibility.
Looking up at Kitty-Sue, I noted her changed demeanor. “What’s wrong?” I asked. “Worried about the trip?”
Kitty-Sue was looking down at her inward pointed toes. “Without my knives,” she said, “I feel naked. I don’t like it.”
I had a sudden flashback to an old fantasy story involving a glass dagger invisible to everyone. Maybe I could make up something like that for Kitty-Sue in the future. A glass dagger wouldn’t set off any detectors. We didn’t have time to do anything about it before the trip, however. We had to get to the airport.
“Don’t worry,” I said, “you’ll get them back as soon as we get through security.”
At that thought, she brightened up and put on her jacket. For our traveling, she had chosen to wear a conservative skirt/blazer combo in gray silk, similar to the outfits worn by millions of Japanese office workers, but of much higher quality.
Raising my voice slightly, I called out, “Akiko-san,
are you ready?”
Akiko popped into existence in front of us. “Hai, Scott-Sensei,” she said. “Just visiting my family before the trip. I wanted to make sure there were no mystical threats in the area.”
“Kitty-Sue brought up a good point just now,” I said. “When we get to the security gate, I would like you to pop into the ring until we get through. Your phasing through the electronics could set off some alarms.”
“Hai, Sensei,” she responded.
We went down to the building’s lobby, where a taxi that Kitty-Sue had called for waited. Twenty thousand Yen (about two hundred dollars) for a ride to the airport wasn’t cheap, but better than taking the Friendly Bus or Metro. The driver looked askance at our single large bag as he put it in the trunk. He didn’t know that I had packed two more suitcases into my satchel. Having a pocket dimension in a handbag sure made life easier. The ride to the airport took about two hours.
At passport control, Kitty-Sue placed herself in front of me in line. She glanced back as I took out my passport. Her eyes widened at the sight of my British passport. Her sharp eyes could read that the name in the passport was not the name I was known by in Tokyo. Although it pained her, she bit her tongue to avoid asking questions in public. We passed through Passport Control with no issues.
Finally, in the line for security, she couldn’t hold it back any longer. “I thought you were American!” she whispered.
“Oh, I am,” I replied. “One hundred percent pure Yankee.”
“Then why do you have a British passport with the name James Covenant on it?” she whispered.
“Actually,” I said with a haughty air, “it should be Sir James.”
Shaking her head at the correction, she asked, “How did you get a British passport?”
Relieved that she had no knives on her, I decided to tell the truth. “Remember my story about the queen in my pentagram?” I asked. She grimaced, but nodded for me to continue. “She was so grateful for the rejuvenation that she authorized my new identity. The knighthood was for ‘exemplary usage of my staff of office in support of the Crown.’”
