by G. K. Brady
“As for Jack, I have no doubt he was a good man. I wish I could’ve known him. And your loyalty is unshakable—it’s one of the things I love about you. But it’s time you give yourself permission to join the land of the living instead of hanging out in virtual graveyards where you don’t belong. From what I know about Jack, he’d want a different life for you. I’ve been trying to put myself in his shoes, and I’d want someone taking care of those I love if I couldn’t take care of them myself. And I would never have asked you to forget him, Lily, but I could never play second fiddle.”
He rubbed his forehead. Her sniffles told him she was still on the other end. Suddenly exhausted, a long, low exhale escaped his lungs. “That, Lily, is what I had to say to you.”
“Okay. You got it off your chest,” she said it so quietly he barely heard her. “Good-bye.”
“Yeah.” He refrained from wishing her a wonderful life.
After disconnecting, he hung his head, elbows on his knees, his heart crumbling.
His mother cleared her throat.
He jerked his head up. “How long have been standing there?”
“Long enough.” She wiped her cheek. “You really think I try to run you and your sister’s lives?”
Ah, shit. This just gets better and better.
He stood, walked over to her, and placed his hands on her shoulders. “Mom, you worked your ass off, and you raised two good people. You should be proud.”
She chuckled through her tears. “Which means ‘yes, Mom, you try to run our lives.’ But Gage, I can’t sit quietly by while someone like that woman … It’s clear she’s all wrong for you.”
In that moment, it dawned on him that nothing was clear. Straightforward was a direction on a map, and black and white were colors. For all his talk about protecting Lily, he hadn’t defended her against his mom, no matter how much he’d convinced himself he’d done the right thing. When had he gotten so confused about what the right thing was?
He squared his shoulders and dug deep, clearing his mind. “What’s wrong is how you treated Lily, whether she meant anything to me or not. You’ve always drummed common courtesy into Sarah and me. You never would’ve tolerated the kind of behavior you showed Lily, nor should you have.” He tilted his head and peered at her. Her tears were spilling freely now. “Mom, I’m a grown man who can think for himself. I like being there for others, and I learned that from you. So trust me to make my own decisions. I’m living proof your sacrifice paid off. But I’m not four years old anymore, and I’ll live my life my way. That means I pick my own friends. And if the day comes, my own wife.”
“But I don’t want to lose you,” she whimpered.
“You’re not going to lose me, Mom. I’ll still take care of you and Grandma. That won’t change. I’ll try to never disappoint either of you, but you’re gonna have to let go and accept my choices, whether you agree with them or not.”
She looked up at him and nodded. “I’m sorry.”
He pulled her into a hug. “Yeah, I know.”
His mind leapt back to Lily, and he suddenly felt sorry too.
Half the team was at the restaurant when they arrived. Noticeably absent was Grims, and while Gage was puzzled, he was also relieved. Not seeing Grims might help him put aside, at least for a little while, the fact he had chosen the coward’s way out.
He grabbed three seats by Quinn and sat between Sarah and Jessica.
Jesus, he didn’t want to be here.
Sarah and Quinn immediately struck up a conversation, and he sent Quinn a few warning daggers. Not on my watch, fucker. Quinn’s eyes widened before he gave him a subtle nod.
On Gage’s other side, Hunter’s new girl had Jessica’s attention. Gage took the time to study Jess’s profile. She really was a knockout. Why couldn’t he just lose himself with her? It should have been easy enough. If he let her, she’d wrap her whole life around him, place him at the center of her universe. And stick to him like aphids on a rosebush.
A tap to his shoulder surprised him. Even more surprising was realizing who’d delivered the tap.
“Nelson? I’d like to talk to you in private,” Coach LeBrun said.
“Sure, Coach.” Gage stood and followed him, his mind racing through what Coach wanted.
He found out in a small, empty dining room tucked out of the way when Coach turned on him, hands fisted on his hips. “You knew.” His voice was low and tight, his brow knotted.
“Knew—”
“You knew about Grimson doping, but you said nothing. Did it occur to you what would happen if he’d been picked for testing?”
Oh shit. Gage blew out a long breath. “Yeah. It did. Just like it occurred to me what would happen if I told management. I had no way to prove it. All I had was rumor and speculation. It didn’t seem like enough to warrant throwing the entire club into chaos. Right or wrong, I made a judgment call. I figured my teammates needed their captain more than they needed me mouthing off with my suspicions.”
“Well, the team’s not going to have its captain.”
Gage’s eyebrows shot to his hairline.
“Dave Grimson has been placed on the IR, and Bobby no longer works for this organization.” Coach’s voice was part-anger, part-disappointment, and all distaste. “Grimson will sit out the playoffs. I’m assigning a third A to Hunter McMurphy. I know you and McMurphy don’t like each other, but that’s tough shit because you two, along with Shanstrom, will lead this team together, and you’ll rally your club around their ‘injured’ captain.”
How had Coach found out anyway? Gage considered asking, but Coach’s fiery expression shredded that idea all to hell. Gage gave him a head bob instead.
“I’m sure I don’t need to ask you to keep your mouth shut,” Coach continued.
Shame, dosed with self-recrimination, rose up Gage’s neck and flamed his cheeks. He’d made a personal decision he wasn’t proud of and had never planned to share—let alone have his coach discover. And now he was part of a dirty little secret he’d wanted no part of.
But faced with the horrible choice all over again? The sad truth was he’d come to the same conclusion.
Coach gave him a pointed look. “Have I made myself clear?”
Gage returned a curt nod. “Crystal.”
“Good. Now let’s get back to the dinner and act like we’re having a hell of a great time.”
Chapter 35
The Long Good-bye
Two weeks into the playoffs, Lily got a call from Natalie, who squealed, “Baby Miller arrived last night!”
“Oh my God! How is everyone? Was Beckett there?”
“Mom and baby are doing great. Beckett just made it, but he’s heading back to Arizona shortly.”
As Natalie ran through the details, Lily’s spirits lifted from the dumpster where they’d been these past weeks. She’d had no contact with Gage since the day he gave her his dissertation on her life. Oh, she’d been as mad as a hornet, but her temper had since cooled, and a murmur had stirred inside her. What if he’d been right?
As for her fury over how he’d handled his mom, Lily had begun examining his actions through a different lens. After seeing his piece-of-work mom in action, she understood why he hadn’t told Nola about her and Daisy. That he defended his mom still stung, but his behavior brought to light something Lily had previously overlooked. In spite of his frustrations with his mom, Gage didn’t waver. He didn’t turn on those he loved; he knocked himself out to take care of them. He showed steadfastness and loyalty. Traits she liked. Loved.
“You’d better not sit on your ass too long, Little Sis,” Ivy had lectured. “Guys like him are rare. Sometimes you have to seize the opportunity while it’s in front of you. Kinda like the three-for-one fleece top sale.”
Lily had shaken her head. “What are you talking about?”
“You don’t need them yet, you really don’t want to spend the money, but you’ll never see that kinda deal again. It’s the same with Gage. He’s gonna get snapp
ed up by some shopper who’s way smarter than you.”
Now that the angry wind in Lily’s sails had dropped to a light breeze, she had to allow Ivy might be right. What if someday—when Lily had finally “moved on”—Gage was gone? What if he never came back through her door?
Lily hadn’t told Daisy the truth—I pushed him away—instead making excuses about him being too busy with playoffs to see them.
So they watched him on TV, like they were doing today with Ivy and Parker, who had just walked into Lily’s house. Natalie’s voice yanked her back to the present conversation. “Gage has been looking great in the playoffs, don’t you think?”
“Yeah, he’s the points leader in the whole Western Conference right now, not that I’m watching that closely.” Ivy shot her a skeptical smirk. Yeah, liar.
Natalie must have agreed Lily was a liar because she snorted. “Glad to see you’re not watching closely.”
When Lily hung up, Daisy’s big eyes fastened on her. “Miss Paige had her baby?”
“Yep. Baby Audrey.”
Daisy clapped on the couch. She paused a moment, looking thoughtful. “Is Mr. Miller the baby’s daddy?”
Lily stifled a laugh. “Yes, sweetheart. He’s the daddy.”
“I want Gage to be my daddy.” A plea shone in her eyes.
Lily about choked on her spit. Her eyes locked with Ivy’s over Daisy’s head. Parker was in man mode, glued to the pre-game show on TV, oblivious to the shock wave that had just passed through Lily’s living room.
Lily finally untangled her tongue. “Why?”
“Because then he’ll be my very own dad.”
“What about Uncle Derek?” Ivy suggested with a smirk meant only for Lily.
Daisy wrinkled her nose. “He’s Violet’s dad. Besides, Gage looks at Momma the same way Uncle Parker looks at you, Aunt Ivy.”
Ivy winked at Lily. “Ah, from the mouths of babes.”
As Lily watched Gage play that night, she drank him in. Power and agility rolled into one beautiful body in motion. A sliver of realization wormed its way into her consciousness: she was alive with Gage. One hundred percent present. More than she’d been in a long, long while.
Two weeks later, the Blizzard were battling Arizona in the Western Conference Final, which had Paige talking a lot of smack. Lily had had no idea the woman had it in her, and she was still laughing at a text exchange when she arrived at her grief counseling meeting.
Brett held the door for her. “Something funny?”
“Just trash-talking with the girls.”
He blinked, looking confused. A moment later, he said, “Before the others get here, I wanted to let you know this will be my last session.”
Her surprise must have shown all over her face because he rushed on. “It’s nothing to do with you.”
Uncensored, she blurted, “Oh! You found someone?”
He shook his head. “No, and I’m going stop looking for a while. You’ve always shared good advice, Lily, but something you said finally got through to me—about the process being different for everyone, and that there’s no right or wrong way.” He adjusted his glasses. “I married and lost my soul mate, and I realized I’ve been searching for a placeholder. Someone to sit across from me at the dinner table. To hold hands with. But if I’m going to find a second soul mate—and I truly believe we have more than one—I need to get my life unstuck and back on track. So that’s what I’m going to do.”
Lily couldn’t help herself. She opened her arms wide and gave him a fierce hug. “I’m so proud of you, Brett.”
“What’s all this?” Eva said behind them as she walked in.
Lily wiped a tear from her cheek. “This is Brett’s last session.”
Eva’s mouth swung open. “Really?” She reached out to hug him. “It’s mine too.”
“What?” Brett and Lily exclaimed.
Lily tried not to choke. “Is there something in the water?”
“No,” Eva laughed. “I went out with my dentist.” She flushed red. “And I really enjoyed myself. So I thought I’d fly without my safety net for a while,” she squeezed Lily’s arm, “and see how it goes.”
For the rest of the session, Lily fought a smile. She was like a mama bird whose fledglings were leaving the nest, and she was damn proud.
Driving home later, her mind drifted along with sixties songs on the radio. She thought of her group. Getting to the next phase took courage. Did she lack that courage? While she was proud of herself—her independence, her resilience, the life she’d made for Daisy and herself—she realized how much she’d loved having Gage in their lives and doing for him too. He made it easy to feel that way, yet she’d thrown up barricades.
A blue-eyed soul tune she hadn’t heard in a long while came on, and she cranked up the volume. “Unchained Melody” was a song she knew well. The irony that it had been featured in the movie Ghost wasn’t lost on her.
As she belted it out, every word, every sad note, every strain of longing resonated within her. But it wasn’t Jack—her ghost—she fixed on. It was Gage. And by the time she reached her house, tears were spilling freely. She let them come, let them release heartbreak and regret and yearning.
Inside, she flipped on the hallway light, and her eyes roamed over the pictures. Gage had called the walls a shrine. Were they? A new focus, through his lens, sharpened. Fragments of words and images came at her, locking together like lost pieces of one giant puzzle.
“He was right,” she whispered.
But she hadn’t just put up a shrine to Jack; she’d made the house a mausoleum.
A jolt of electricity traveled along her spine. On went the radio, in came empty boxes from the garage, and soon she sat in the hallway with a generous portion of wine. She raised her glass with a trembling hand. In a quavering voice, she said, “Time for me to move on, love.”
The first picture she plucked from the wall was their wedding picture. Tear the Band-Aid off. She stared at it, ran her fingers over it, and let the memories play on her mind’s movie screen. Finally, she let go and laid it to rest in a box. The process sped up after that, though she allowed herself to linger on every object, laughing or crying as she recalled her other life. Her past life.
The walls emptied and the boxes filled. Next came her closet, Daisy’s bedroom, and every niche and nook that held a visual reminder. She spared only a few. An odd lightness took hold as she went, as if she could pull more fresh, sweet air into her lungs and float.
When she finished, the hallway was a mess, and she attacked it, scouring the walls and patching holes. She dug out a can of sky-blue paint and transformed the space while music played in the background. Inspired, she found a can of white and added dabs.
The sun was lighting her windows when she finally plunked down on the floor and admired her work. Above her, surrounding her, was a bright sky filled with pillowy clouds that seemed to roll along the surfaces. It was fresh and beautiful.
Muscles unwinding, she leaned back on her hands. The music seemed to grow louder, as if someone had cranked up the volume. “Have I Told You Lately?” filled the air, and where the song had always made her cry, now she could only smile.
Thank you, Jack.
Warmth and peace wrapped around her, fortifying her for the last good-bye.
She rose and padded to her dresser where she pulled out a small spruce-green jewelry box nestled in a drawer. She opened it and stared at the large, smooth band that was the mate to her own. Her hands were steady, as though someone else’s guided them, and she unclasped the necklace, placed it and her ring beside Jack’s, and closed the box. Running her fingers over the box’s worn edges, she whispered, “I’ll always love you.”
Hours later, Daisy rushed through the front door, Derek and Violet on her heels. Her daughter’s gaze caught on the hallway, and she ran into it, her eyes widening as she turned a circle and looked up, down. Lily held her breath.
Daisy’s gray eyes went to hers, and she broke out in a gorge
ous smile that lit her sweet little face. “Momma, the sky is beautiful! Did you make this?”
Lily didn’t realize she had any tears left in her well until fresh ones sprang to her eyes. “I did,” she nodded. “Do you like it, baby?”
Daisy gasped. “Oh yes! Violet! Come see!”
Violet joined Daisy, and the girls chattered excitedly as they looked and touched.
Holding her breath once more, Lily turned to Derek. He raised an eyebrow. “You’ve been busy.”
“I worked all night.”
He nodded, seeming to take in her art project. “Looks it. I’d say you’ve performed an exorcism.”
“It was very … cathartic. What do you think, Der?”
He canted his head. “Does it matter what I think?”
“Actually, it does. He was your brother.”
He pulled in a huge breath and averted his eyes. “He wanted me to look after you, Lil. He even came out and asked if I’d, uh, consider, maybe one day …” he stammered. “Don’t think I didn’t consider it, but I just … I’m sorry, but it didn’t seem right. I mean, you’re my sister. But I’ll admit it also never seemed right for you to get together with another guy. Maybe that was me missing my brother. But now?” His eyes flicked to the hallway. “Yeah, you did the right thing.”
Relief flooded her. “Really?”
“Really.” He grasped her shoulders, one corner of his mouth twitching in a grin. “So. You and the hockey player?”
“His name’s Gage.”
He released her. “You and Gage.”
“I’m not sure he’s still in the picture, but if he is, can you get used to having him around?”
“I will if I have to.”
“He plays guitar, you know. And he’s pretty good.”
His grin broadened. “See? I like him better already.” He pulled her in for a quick hug “Honestly, Lil. Whatever you want. You deserve to be happy.”
