Tootles,
Cimil, Recently Retired Goddess Delight of the Underworld
P.S. Sorry about causing the end of the world, but Roberto is ensuring I pay for my crimes.
***
Note from Mimi J
Hi, Everyone!
If you liked this story, don’t forget to click those happy stars on the retailer’s Web site, write a little review, or send me a note (contact info is below). And if you have helpful critiques (and, no…“Mimi, you suckity-suck for writing another cliffhanger” is not a helpful critique; LOL), don’t hesitate to share. I’d love to hear from you, even if it’s just to chat about our favorite paranormal hunky dudes or e-readers as we often do on my Facebook page.
Hugs,
Mimi
P.S. Hey, Mean People! You STILL suck. Yes, you know you do.
IN THE WORKS
ACCIDENTALLY…EVIL?
Book 3.5
An Accidentally Yours Novella
Backlum Chaam, the God of Male Virility, wasn’t always such a bad guy. Before his heart turned black and his biggest goal in life became destroying mankind, he was just like any god. Compassionate, loyal, and dedicated. So where did it all go wrong?
Sometimes broken hearts don’t heal…
Glossary
Black Jade — Found only in a particular mine located in southern Mexico, this jade has very special supernatural properties, including the ability to absorb supernatural energy—in particular, god energy. When worn by humans, it is possible for them to have physical contact with a god. If injected, it can make a person addicted to doing bad things. If the jade is fueled with dark energy and then released, it can be used as a weapon. Chaam, personally, likes using it to polish his teeth.
The Book of the Oracle of Delphi — This mystical text from 1400 BC is said to have been created by one of the great oracles at Delphi and can tell the future. As the events in present time change the future, the book’s pages magically rewrite themselves. The demigods use this book in Book 2 to figure out when and how to kill the Vampire Queen. Helena also reads it, while being their captive, and learns she must sacrifice her mortality to save Niccolo.
Cenote — Limestone sinkholes connected to a subterranean water system. They are found in Central America and southern Mexico and were once believed by the Maya to be sacred portals to the afterlife. Such smart humans! They were right. Except, cenotes are actually portals to the realm of the gods.
(If you have never seen a cenote, do a quick search on the Internet for “cenote photos,” and you’ll see how freaking cool they are!)
Demilords — (Spoiler alert for Book 2!) This is a group of immortal badass vampires who’ve been infused with the light of the gods. They are extremely difficult to kill and hate their jobs (killing Obscuros) almost as much as they hate the gods who control them.
Maaskab — Originally a cult of bloodthirsty Mayan priests who believed in the dark arts. It is rumored they are responsible for bringing down their entire civilization with their obsession for human sacrifices (mainly young female virgins). Once Chaam started making half-human children, he decided all firstborn males would make excellent Maaskab due to their proclivity for evil.
Mocos, Mobscuros, O’scabbies — Nicknames for when you join Maaskab with Obscuros to create a brand new malevolent treat.
Obscuros — Evil vampires who do not live by the Pact, and who like to dine on innocent humans since they really do taste the best.
The Pact — An agreement between the gods and good vampires that dictates the dos and don’ts. There are many parts to it, but the most important rules are: Vampires are not allowed to snack on good people (called Forbiddens), they must keep their existence a secret, and they are responsible for keeping any rogue vampires in check.
Payal — Though the gods can take humans to their realm and make them immortal, Payals are the true genetic offspring of the gods but are born mortal, just like their human mothers. Only firstborn children inherit the gods’ genes and manifest their traits. If the firstborn happens to be female, she is a Payal. If male, well…then you get something kind of yucky (see definition of Maaskab)!
Uchben — An ancient society of scholars and warriors who serve as the gods’ eyes and ears in the human world. They also do the books and manage the gods’ earthly assets.
Character Definitions
The Gods
Though every culture around the world has their own names and beliefs related to beings of worship, there are actually only fourteen gods. And since the gods are able to access the human world only through the portals called cenotes, located in the Yucatan, the Maya were big fans.
The gods often refer to each other as brother and sister, but truth is, they are just another species of the Creator.
1. Acan — God of Wine and Intoxication. Also known as Belch, Acan has been drunk for a few thousand years. He hopes to someday trade places with Votan because he’s tired of his flabby muscles and beer belly.
2. Ah-Ciliz — God of Solar Eclipses. Called A.C. by his brethren, Ah-Ciliz is generally thought of as the party-pooper because of his dark attitude.
3. Akna — Goddess of Fertility. You either love her or you hate her.
4. Backlum Chaam — God of Male Virility. He’s responsible for discovering black jade, figuring out how to procreate with humans, and kicking off the chain of events that will eventually lead to the Great War. Get your Funyuns and beer! This is gonna be good.
5. Camaxtli — Goddess of the Hunt. Also known as Fate, Camaxtli holds a special position among the gods, since no one dares challenge her. When Fate has spoken, that’s the end of the conversation.
6. Colel Cab — Mistress of Bees. Because, really, where would we all be without the bees?
7. Goddess of Forgetfulness. — Um…I forget her name. Sorry.
8. Ixtab — Goddess of Suicide. Ixtab is generally described as a loner. Could it be those dead critters she carries around? But don’t judge her so hastily. You never know what truly lies behind that veil of black she wears.
9. K’ak — The history books remember him as K’ak Tiliw Chan Yopaat, ruler of Copán in the 700s AD. King K’ak (Don’t you just love that name? Tee hee hee…) is one of Cimil’s favorite brothers. We’re not really sure what he does, but he can throw bolts of lightning.
10. Kinich Ahau — God of the Sun. Also known by many other names depending on the culture, Kinich likes to go by “Nick” these days. But don’t let the modern name fool you. He’s not so hot about the gods mingling with humans. Although…he’s getting a little curious about what the fuss is all about. Can sleeping with a woman really be all that?
11. Votan — God of Death and War. Also known as Odin, Wotan, Wodan, God of Drums (he has no idea how the hell he got that title; he hates the drums), and God of Multiplication (okay, he is pretty darn good at math, so that one makes sense). These days, Votan goes by Guy Santiago (it’s a long story—read Book 1), but despite his deadly tendencies, he’s all heart. He’s now engaged to Emma Keane.
12. Yum Cimil — Goddess of the Underworld, also known as Ah-Puch by the Maya, Mictlantecuhtli (try saying that one ten times) by the Aztecs, Grim Reaper by the Europeans, Hades by the Greeks…you get the picture! Despite what people say, Cimil is actually a female, adores a good bargain (especially garage sales), and the color pink. She’s also bat-shit crazy.
13. Zac Cimi — Bacab of the North. What the heck is a Bacab? According to the gods’ folklore, the Bacabs are the four eldest and most powerful of the gods. Zac, however, has yet to discover his true gifts, although he is physically the strongest. We think he may be the god of love.
14. ??? (I’m not telling.)
Not the Gods
Andrus — Ex-demilord (vampire who’s been given the gods’ light), now just a demigod after his maker, the Vampire Queen, died. According to Cimil, his son, who hasn’t been born yet, is destined to marry Helena and Niccolo’s daughter.
Anne — Not telling.
Brutus — One of Gabrán’s elite Uchben Warriors. He doesn’t speak much, but that’s because he and his team are telepathic. They are also immortal (a gift from the gods) and next in line to be Uchben chiefs.
Emma Keane — A reluctant Payal who can split a man right down the middle with her bare hands. She is engaged to Votan (aka Guy Santiago) and really wants to kick the snot out of Tommaso, the man who betrayed her.
Father Xavier — Once a priest at the Vatican, Xavier is now the Uchben’s top scholar and historian. He has a thing for jogging suits, Tyra Banks, and Cimil.
Gabrán — One of the Uchben chiefs and a very close friend of the gods. The chiefs have been given the gods’ light and are immortal—a perk of the job.
Gabriela — Emma Keane’s grandmother and one of the original Payals. She now leads the Maaskab at the young age of eightysomething years old.
Helena Strauss — Once human, Helena is now a vampire and married to Niccolo DiConti. She has a half-vampire daughter, Matty, who is destined to marry Andrus’s son, according to Cimil.
Jess — Not telling.
Julie Trudeau — Penelope’s mother.
Niccolo Di Conti — Ex-general of the Vampire Queen’s army. He is the interim vampire leader now that the queen is dead, because the army remained loyal to him. He is married to Helena Strauss and has a half-vampire daughter Matty—a wedding gift from Cimil.
Nick — (From Book 1, not to be confused with Kinich). Also not telling.
Penelope Trudeau — The woman Cimil approaches to be her brother’s surrogate.
Philippe — Roberto’s brother. An Ancient One.
Reyna — The dead vampire queen.
Roberto (Narmer) — Originally an Egyptian pharaoh, Narmer was one of the six Ancient Ones—the very first vampires. He eventually changed his name to Roberto and moved to Spain—something to do with one of Cimil’s little schemes. Rumor is, he wasn’t too happy about it.
Sentin — One of Niccolo’s loyal vampire soldiers. Viktor turned him into a vampire after finding him in a ditch during WWII.
Tommaso — Oh boy. Where to start. Once an Uchben, Tommaso’s mind was poisoned with black jade. He tried to kill Emma. She’s not happy about that.
Viktor — Niccolo’s right hand and BFF. He’s approximately one thousand years old and originally a Viking. He’s big. He’s blond. He’s got the hots for some blond woman he’s dreamed of for the last five hundred years. He’s also Helena’s maker.
Which Gods didn’t Make the Cut?
Yes. It takes a lot to be a cover god for Mimi Jean. And while hundreds of men try out, only an elite handful make the cut. Don’t forget to check out the studs who didn’t make the final cover…
http://www.mimijean.net/52001.html
BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME, BOYS!!
Contact Me Me Online
http://www.mimijean.net
http://twitter.com/MimiJeanRomance
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Mimi-Jean
[email protected]
About the Author
Before taking up a permanent residence in the San Francisco Bay Area, Mimi spent time living near NYC (became a shopaholic), in Mexico City (developed a taste for very spicy food), and Arizona (now hates jumping chollas but pines for sherbet sunsets). Her love of pre-Hispanic culture, big cities, and romance inspires her to write when she’s not busy with kids, hubby, work, and life…or getting sucked into a juicy novel.
She hopes that someday, leather pants for men will make a big comeback and that her writing might make you laugh when you need it most.
Cimil’s Pop Quiz Answers
1. An ancient society of warriors and scholars who serve as the gods’ eyes, ears, and muscle.
A. The Smurfs
B. The were-Smurfs
C. The Uchben
Answer: C. Although the Uchben’s primary purpose is to serve as the gods’ mortal army, they are also very active in investment banking, philanthropy, and politics.
2. A female descendant of the gods. Not immortal, but does carry the gods’ bloodline.
A. Snooki
B. Betty White
C. A Payal
Answer: C. A Payal is a firstborn child who is female, descended from the gods, and carries their DNA.
3. An evil cult of dark priests, descending from the Maya.
A. The Republican Party
B. The Democratic Party
C. The Maaskab
Answer: C. The Maaskab are the powerful masters of the dark arts. Also, they do not believe in bathing and they cover themselves in their victim’s blood, which makes them extra scary.
4. Evil vampires whose favorite flavor is innocence.
A. The Obscuros
B. The Osmonds
C. The Osbournes
Answer: A. The Obscuros are a group of evil vampires who dine on Forbiddens (innocent humans) and do not live by the laws of the Pact.
5. Now that Chaam, the god of male virility is locked away, I lead the Maaskab army.
A. The Dos Equis “The Most Interesting Man in the World”
B. Kathy Griffin
C. Gabriela, Emma Keane’s grandmother
Answer: C. I really, really want the answer to be A, but it is Gabriela who is one of the original Payals, was captured by the Maaskab, and injected with black jade. Now she is one of the most evil humans on the planet. How ya like me now, kids?
6. Mimi Jean’s favorite slang term for a man’s private part.
A. Man-treat
B. Man-sicle
C. Man-fritters
Answer: All of the above.
Go back to CONTENTS
Table of Contents
Praise for Mimi Jean’s Books
Other Best-selling Work by Mimi Jean
Dedication
Warning
Cimil’s Mandatory Pop Quiz
PROLOGUE
CHAPTER 1
CHAPTER 2
CHAPTER 3
CHAPTER 4
CHAPTER 5
CHAPTER 6
CHAPTER 7
CHAPTER 8
CHAPTER 9
CHAPTER 10
CHAPTER 11
CHAPTER 12
CHAPTER 13
CHAPTER 14
CHAPTER 15
CHAPTER 16
CHAPTER 17
CHAPTER 18
CHAPTER 19
CHAPTER 20
CHAPTER 21
CHAPTER 22
CHAPTER 23
CHAPTER 24
CHAPTER 25
CHAPTER 26
CHAPTER 27
CHAPTER 28
CHAPTER 29
CHAPTER 30
CHAPTER 31
CHAPTER 32
CHAPTER 33
CHAPTER 34
CHAPTER 35
CHAPTER 36
CHAPTER 37
CHAPTER 38
CHAPTER 39
CHAPTER 40
CHAPTER 41
Note from Mimi J
IN THE WORKS
Glossary
Character Definitions
Not the Gods
Which Gods didn’t Make the Cut?
Contact Me Me Online
About the Author
Cimil’s Pop Quiz Answers
Table of Contents
Praise for Mimi Jean’s Books
Other Best-selling Work by Mimi Jean
Dedication
Warning
Cimil’s Mandatory Pop Quiz
PROLOGUE
CHAPTER 1
CHAPTER 2
CHAPTER 3
CHAPTER 4
CHAPTER 5
CHAPTER 6
CHAPTER 7
CHAPTER 8
CHAPTER 9
CHAPTER 10
CHAPTER 11
CHAPTER 12
CHAPTER 13
CHAPTER 14
CHAPTER 15
CHAPTER 16
CHAPTER 17
CHAPTER 18
CHA
PTER 19
CHAPTER 20
CHAPTER 21
CHAPTER 22
CHAPTER 23
CHAPTER 24
CHAPTER 25
CHAPTER 26
CHAPTER 27
CHAPTER 28
CHAPTER 29
CHAPTER 30
CHAPTER 31
CHAPTER 32
CHAPTER 33
CHAPTER 34
CHAPTER 35
CHAPTER 36
CHAPTER 37
CHAPTER 38
CHAPTER 39
CHAPTER 40
CHAPTER 41
Note from Mimi J
IN THE WORKS
Glossary
Character Definitions
Not the Gods
Which Gods didn’t Make the Cut?
Contact Me Me Online
About the Author
Cimil’s Pop Quiz Answers
Sun God Seeks…Surrogate? Page 29
