by Mallory Funk
I blink away the tears that form in my eyes.
“Thank you. I just don’t know how I’m supposed to move on. How could I have been so stupid as to trust a complete monster?” I say angrily.
Xavier clenches his jaw. “He knew what he was doing. I wish I could have gotten my hands on him. What makes you so sure that he won’t come after you?”
“Because Derek said that I didn’t have to worry, and I trust him,” I state, not wanting to give too much away because I know that Derek wouldn’t want everyone to know what happened.
He shakes his head. “How do you know that you can trust him? What makes you so sure that he isn’t a monster too?”
I snap my eye at him and I can tell that he’s serious. “Seriously? After they saved my life, you want to question them? I could have found myself at the hands of another evil club, or ended up dead never seeing the day light again but, because of them, I’m free and able to see my family again. They have more than earned my trust.”
My brother eyes me for a minute and slowly nods his head.
“Well, I will need to trust you on this one. I wish I could have saved you. It tears me apart that you went through all kinds of hell.”
“I know. All I can do now is try to get help to move on with my life and leave that horrible nightmare behind.”
My brother nods his head. “I will do everything that I can to make sure that you make it through this. Whatever you need help with I am there.”
We finish the rest of our lunch and head back home.
My brother helps me with my self-defence moves. I’m glad that my dad has his own room downstairs where he works out so that I have room down there to practice. My dad comes home after work and helps me with some pointers.
I know that I have a long road ahead of me. I’m not going to heal overnight, but the Devil’s Souls had already taken so much of my life in a few short months and I don’t want them to take any more.
Going out today for lunch with my brother is a huge thing for me, but I know that I am safe with him. The fact that I can tell he’s looking around and making sure that there aren’t any threats relaxes me. He won’t let anything happen to me.
My brother leaves when he sees that my mom and dad are home. They are going to extreme measures to make me feel safe and for that I am very thankful.
I head to my room to have a shower after I worked out a sweat at the gym.
To be honest, this has become one of the most dreaded parts of my day.
Reaper had no problem marking me. He took great joy in seeing my pain and tears. After the first couple weeks, I would try to be strong and block everything out. I would try and make myself go numb so that I could show him that he couldn’t break me.
That’s when the first knife came out, and he made sure that it would often come out while he was “breaking” me.
Now, when my body is slowly healing, I can see all the red, angry scars all over my body.
Every time I look in the mirror or down at my body, I have to hold back the tears. When I take off my shirt and stand in front of my bathroom mirror in my bra and jeans, I feel bile rise in my throat.
I tightly shut my eyes and clench my teeth, breathing harshly as I push away the memories trying to surface.
My phones pings with a text and I’m grateful for the distraction.
Tyson: I sent you something and it might be cheesy, but I hate the thought that you are having nightmares and I can’t be there.
Me: Thank you, you didn’t need to do that.
Tyson: It’s nothing.
Curious, I open the bathroom door. Since I already had my bedroom door closed and locked, I don’t bother putting a shirt on.
I see a box sitting on my bed that I didn’t notice when I walked in.
I have no clue what he would send me. I’m wondering what he would send me to help me sleep.
I open the box and can’t help the smile that forms on my lips.
Inside the box is a plush teddy bear. That’s not the only thing that makes me smile. The stuffed bear has a little leather jacket on and denim jeans with a bandana on its head. When I turn the bear around to look at the back, a laugh escapes me. There is a Vicious Snakes logo on the back that has Torch’s name underneath.
Tears develop in my eyes for a different reason. This is absolutely the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me.
I don’t have any clue why I didn’t have nightmares with him around, but he seems to have a way to show me that he’s here for me, even if he isn’t physically here. I bring the bear closer to me and notice that it has a scent to it. When I breathe it in, I realize that he must have sprayed whatever cologne or body spray he uses on it. It smells like him. That makes me smile again.
I hug the bear to my chest and, after a few minutes, I put it down to go have that shower, but decide to have a bath instead.
I try not to look at the mirror as I fill the tub with water.
I need a good long soak after the emotional overload.
Of course, no matter how much I try not to look at it, I can still feel it.
My hand brushes along my left side where Reaper’s name is carved into it. Right under my arm starts with the “R” and the other letters of his name follow downwards until finally ending at my hip bone.
Tears fall down my cheeks when I remember the pain of the marking mixed with the wicked gleam in his eyes as he meticulously made his incisions.
He didn’t carve it all in one night. The first letter was carved when I was there for a couple weeks. It seems that once a letter would start to heal, he would be back to carve the next one.
When I was held captive, it was with Reaper and the rest of his men. I thought he was in charge when I was there, since I had never seen anyone else.
Sometime during the months I was there, another man came in that I now know was Charles. He had some sort of revenge plotted against the Vicious Snakes president, Derek, and his friends.
I had never seen who he was because I was always blindfolded before he came into the room. I didn’t know what he had looked like until Krista and Ella were brought in.
The Devil’s Souls needed entertainment, so they had found me.
I try and force the painful thoughts from my mind.
I shut off the water before it overflows and sit on the edge of the tub to bury my face in my hands.
Tears fall down my face as I sob into my hands and try to bury the memories of the last five months.
I don’t know if I would ever be able to trust a man intimately again because I can barely stand anyone touching me now.
Cringing when your parents hug you isn’t exactly how I want to live my life.
Being on a verge of a panic attack when someone sits next to me is hardly functional.
What gets me is that I didn’t feel this way when I was with the Vicious Snakes. Maybe I was in too much of a shock to realize it because I was finally free and with a club that had saved me. I’m not sure, but I knew as soon as I got home that I couldn’t stand to be near anyone. I hate feeling this way.
I will get through this. It will take time and that’s all I can really ask.
If I let them break me after I’m finally free, then they win.
I didn’t break while I was being held against my will, so I will make damn sure that I won’t break now.
One minute at a time.
Whatever it takes.
Chapter Five
Tyson “Torch”
I can’t help but groan as I put my phone down after texting Camilla. I don’t know why I bought her a bear, but I had felt bad when she told me that she was still sleeping like shit because of the nightmares she has. I hated the sound that she was making when I wasn’t in the room and had to figure out something that would help her.
I’m in no condition to help her now that she’s home. I have my own demons to battle. My head has been a mess even more lately since she left.
Once we had caught the rest of the Devi
l’s Souls, we had sent her home since there wasn’t anyone left.
I sure hope that we got all the fuckers, and that there wasn’t anyone left in the house that we ended up catching Cutter from. There weren’t any signs of anyone else and we had went through everything.
I feel confident enough that this nightmare is over and I can go back to my lonely life.
I grab the bottle of whisky from the bar at the clubhouse and poor a drink. I don’t miss the disappointment in my father’s eyes.
“Are you sure you want to do that, son?” he says as he walks up to me.
“I’m sure that I need to do it,” I tell him and only glance at him briefly.
“There aren’t any answers at the bottom of that bottle. The pain may be gone, but it’s only numb. It’s going to be there until you deal with it. The longer you bottle it up, the harder it’s going to be,” he says.
“I hear what you are saying, but I just can’t right now dad,” I tell him and, from the corner of my eye, I see him nod his head before getting up and leaving.
Memories try to overcome me as I bring the glass to my lips.
“We’re going to grow old together, Tyson. I’m going to be around so much that you are going to get sick of me,” Stacey says as we are lying in bed together after the love making which followed her acceptance of becoming my Old Lady.
I don’t remember ever feeling happier than when she accepted my cut.
It has been hours and we still haven’t left the bedroom.
“I don’t think that I could ever get sick of you,” I tell her as I pull her towards me and kiss her deeply.
I squeeze my eyes closed as tears threaten to break free.
“You lied,” I whisper to the silent room.
I finish my glass and grab another without another thought.
It takes another glass of whisky before the feelings of devastation settle and turn into a dull numb.
Brothers move around the room, but they avoid me.
I have just become a lump in the Clubhouse; only being there when needed.
Before, I would sit around and bullshit with my brothers and work on my bike, but I can’t bring myself to bring my dark cloud into their empty lives.
How do you just move on from something like this?
I can’t begin to understand how Ella came from tragically losing her husband to falling in love with Damien.
My mind drifts to Camilla through my drunken haze.
You can tell that she’s something special. The shit she has been through would be enough to bring anyone down.
I can see a strong woman buried inside there.
The comfort she needed from my presence and touch was strong, and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Why would someone take comfort in me? Why am I her safe place?
I drink more whisky until the thoughts of her fade.
I shouldn’t be thinking about her.
Stacey may be gone, but she’s still my Old Lady.
I’m nothing but a drunken mess and I feel arms surround me, helping me to stand as I start to stagger.
I blink a couple times and my eyes focus on my dad and Bear. They both look at me with pity and I fucking hate that.
If I could walk by myself, I would storm out of here.
It takes a few minutes. I don’t bother to look at anyone else because I know I will see more looks of pity and I don’t need that shit right now.
They don’t know what it’s like, or what my head feels like.
I’m dumped on the bed and I feel hands take off my shoes as I try to pass out. Soothing words that I don’t deserve to hear are spoken.
I feel fingers brush my hair out of my eyes.
“Go to sleep, my boy. I wish I could take this pain from you. It kills me to see you like this,” I hear my mother say before the darkness takes me under.
Camilla
Days of going to self-defence and the therapist have slowly helped. I’m nowhere close to where I want to be, but I know I will get there.
I am able to talk and spend more time with my family than when I first came home and locked myself in my room.
It will be awhile before I’ll feel safe and secure enough to leave the house on my own.
The bear that Tyson got me helps completely. I worry that the smell of his cologne will go away; but today a small bottle showed up and, as soon as I smelled it, I knew it was from him.
When my brother had seen it, he looked at me with raised eyebrows. I couldn’t help but blush as I explained, but when he saw it helped me get through the night, he didn’t question it.
We just left the gym from another self-defence lesson and are climbing into my brother’s vehicle.
“I need some new clothes. Can we stop at the store?” I ask quietly.
My brother nods his head. “Yeah sure. Anywhere in particular?”
I shake my head. “No. I just need some longer shirts and some leggings.”
“Of course,” he says. He knows that the new clothes are to cover myself completely. Not only do I have scars on my body, I have them on my arms and legs too. I don’t know if I ever will want to wear a t-shirt or tank top again, but I know that I’m nowhere near ready to yet.
I can’t help but slightly panic when the store comes into view. My palms feels sweaty, my hands are shaky, and my breathing gets heavier.
“Just breathe, Cami. I’ll be right beside you the whole time,” my brother reassures me with a gentle squeeze of my hand.
I blow out a breath and reach the door handle with a shaky hand.
“Okay, let’s do this,” I say in a quiet voice. I hate how weak I sound now.
I cannot let them win. They may be gone, but if I don’t overcome this then they still win. They did not break me.
I walk into the store holding my brother’s arm in a death grip, but he doesn’t say anything. He already knows how hard this is for me.
I don’t look at anyone in the store and, thankfully, we walk straight to the clothes that I need. There is a long sleeved shirt with a high neckline and I grab one in every colour in my new size. Spending months on limited food and water has done a number to my body. Nothing fits the way it used to.
There are leggings not too far from the shirts. There are different ones with bright colors and patterns, but I can’t bring myself to grab them. I grab a few pairs of plain, black ones. I know that I wouldn’t have the guts to try anything on, but I’m positive that I got the right size.
My brother grabs his wallet and pays for everything since I still barely let go of him to grab what I need.
When we are safely inside his vehicle, I breathe a sigh of relief.
“It’ll get easier,” he tells me, and I just nod my head. I know it will get easier, but I hate that something as simple as picking out a couple clothes brings me into a panicked mess. This isn’t who I am and I feel a desperate need to find the woman I used to be.
As soon as we get home, I throw everything in the wash so that I can get out of the huge clothes that I’m currently wearing. I would welcome the bagginess and shapeless look it gives me, but my shirts keep falling off of my shoulders and I’m just not ready for that, and don’t know if I ever will be.
I have tons of books and movies to watch, but instead I decide to scroll social media. I haven’t opened my account. I didn’t want to at first, but since I’m on the edge of boredom I decide to give it a shot.
I open to see many notifications and messages, but I ignore them for now. I’m not ready to see my friends. I didn’t have many before but, still, it’s a lot to take in and I don’t want to get any pity from anyone about where I have been. I would hate to have to relive the story over and over again.
Since it doesn’t look like anything exciting is going on, I decide to text Ella. She seems really nice and like someone I would like to get to know more. Plus, she was in that room with me and I know I wouldn’t have to explain any feelings that I didn’t want to. She wouldn’t push.
> Before I can open the text app, a group message with what looks like Ella, Krista, Olivia, and Sophie comes in and I can’t help but smile at just seeing their names.
Ella: Hey! We wanted to check in and see how you are doing.
Me: I’m fine?
Krista: You don’t need to lie to us and pretend that everything is okay. We have all been through some crazy shit.
Olivia: Vent to us or tell us about you.
Sophie: It’s okay to not be fine. You know that, right?
Me: Thanks ladies. I’m fine. I had a mini freak out getting some clothes with my brother but, now that I’m in the safety of my own home, I feel better.
Ella: I’m happy that you went out to do that.
Me: Thanks. Being with my brother helps. He hardly leaves my side unless he has to go to work.
Olivia: I can imagine that was a lot for your family.
Krista: There is a BBQ next month. We would like you to come. You can bring your family if you want.
Me: I’ll ask them. They haven’t known the MC life; but after you guys saved me, I’m sure they are interested to get to know you guys.
Ella: Perfect. Cook is really good at making steak and chicken.
Sophie: Of course you would say that.
Me: I feel like there is a story in there somewhere.
Olivia: There sure is!
I laugh as I message back and forth with them feeling much lighter than I did earlier. They tell me about Ella and her crazy pregnancy cravings and it makes me smile because I can picture her acting that way.
I take the bear and set him on the end of the bed. I put on a chick flick and grab myself a snack. I decide to be a little silly and stick a small bowl of popcorn in between the bear’s legs and a small cup in his hand.
Laughing, I take a picture and make sure to get the movie in the background.
I look at the picture and can’t help but laugh.
I send the picture to Tyson before I know what I am doing.
Part of me doesn’t care if he thinks it’s silly.
The other part is worried he will think it’s childish and ignore me from now on.
It’s too late now since I had already sent it.
