by Mallory Funk
She is effortlessly beautiful. I can tell that she is barely wearing any makeup. I instantly feel guilty for the time I spend looking at her and finding myself attracted. I have no business looking at her this way.
It has been so long since I have looked at another woman. Since Stacey walked into my life, I found myself in uncharted territory.
I can’t deal with this right now.
I have to make myself look at the people behind her. I see her parents. She’s like a younger version of her mother, but her mother has purple in her hair and is looking at everyone with a nervous smile. Camilla is looking at everyone smiling and relaxed, showing just how much she trusts us already.
Her father and brother are spitting images of each other except her father has grey hair.
You can tell that her brother is sceptical of everyone. I can see he is fiercely protective of her. He’s standing tall with his arms crossed and, even though he’s not exactly glaring, he’s not smiling either.
Everyone greets them with smiles and warm welcomes.
Camilla looks around. When she catches my eyes, she smiles shyly at me. I give her a small smile back and the feelings that stir inside of me are not ones that I should be having.
I try my hardest to shut out those thoughts.
I take off while everyone is catching up with Camilla because I don’t know how to look at her with these feelings stirring inside of me.
Why do I have to think of her this way?
Her smiling at me with a light blush on her cheeks shouldn’t make me feel warm inside.
I’ve been cold a long time and I’m not ready to feel warmth.
I don’t know if I will ever be.
Camilla
I watch as Tyson leaves the second after I smile at him.
I can’t help but feel hurt at that, but I also know that he’s going through something I couldn’t imagine.
I decide to think about all of that later.
The women all smile and hug me. Derek is grinning when he sees me.
“Welcome back Camilla!” he says loudly.
“Thanks. I’m glad that we could come. You know my parents Anthony and Crystal, and this is my brother Xavier. Guys, this is everyone. I’m sure that they will introduce themselves since there are so many of them that I may have forgotten some names,” I admit with a blush.
“That’s alright. There won’t be a test,” Ella says with a wink.
Everyone looks when Sophie suddenly runs to the bushes and pukes.
“In your face! She’s having twins!” a huge biker says pointing at Derek.
Everyone shouts and cheers. I look over at Krista and see her rubbing her stomach.
Looks like things are getting exciting around here.
I love seeing how close everyone is. I can only hope that I can be a part of this someday.
My parents actually sit and talk with Derek, Lily, and the big biker and his Old Lady. They look like they are having a good time so I can sit and relax.
My brother doesn’t move from my side, but he rarely does when we are out.
“I love your hair! Who did it?” Krista asks excitedly.
“My mom.” I say and jerk my thumb over my shoulder in the direction that I know she’s in.
Their jaws drop. “Wow, that’s amazing! Maybe she can do something with mine?” Olivia asks slightly brushing her hair back. It’s in a messy bun on top of her head. You can tell that’s she’s exhausted running around after two kids, but she looks completely happy.
“I’m sure she would be happy to. She has a room set up in our house if you would like to come over and have your hair done,” I say.
“Yes, let’s ask when your mom isn’t doing the grown up talk. We can have a girls’ day and spend it with your there,” Ella says. Following Ella’s statement, everyone starts planning the day.
My brother doesn’t seem bothered that he’s surrounded by a bunch of women.
Katy comes and chats with everyone when she shows up. I see her stealing glances at Stitch and smiling shyly at him. I wonder if something is happening between them or if something is in the works.
Since Stitch doesn’t make a move toward her, I have to guess that Katy likes him and he doesn’t like her or that he’s holding back for some reason.
To my relief, it seems that there is only family around. I don’t know how my parents would feel if there were club whores in plain sight giving blow jobs but I guess that because of the BBQ being a family thing with kids all over the place, club whores aren’t allowed. Hopefully it stays that way until we leave because I don’t want my family uncomfortable.
“Grandpa!” I hear a feminine voice shout. We all look over to see what’s going on.
“Demi?” an older biker shouts, looking shocked.
She runs up and hugs him.
“Damn that’s his granddaughter? He talks about her like she’s five years old,” Ella says with a light laugh.
“I wonder what she’s doing here. He said that his kids live a few hours away and that he rarely sees them,” Olivia says observing them.
They pull back from the hug. He is looking at her with a stern expression. She says something that has his face darkening.
“I wonder what that’s about,” Olivia says not really talking to anyone.
“She must be here for a reason, and we will probably find out eventually. Let’s just give them a moment,” Ella says, and we all take our eyes off of Blade and his granddaughter.
We spend the rest of the day talking, and my brother eventually gets lost in conversation with a couple bikers.
I’m glad my family is comfortable and having a good time.
It is dark out by the time we get home. My family chats the whole way home about what great people they were. I think they have made some new friends.
I smile at everyone’s obvious excitement.
After I have a shower and climb into bed, I hold the bear that Tyson gave me close.
That’s when I allow myself to let my thoughts drift to him.
I didn’t think that he was weirded out by me sending pictures of the bear he gave me, but the way he left without saying anything tells a different story.
Maybe he was just being polite and replied to me. He must feel some sort of obligation towards me because I saved his father, but I don’t want anyone in my life to feel that way.
I make the decision right then and there to stop texting him.
I have been sleeping better with this bear and the scent of his cologne, and that’s enough for now.
If he wanted to be a part of my life then he would have made an effort not to leave as soon as I got there.
Besides, I need to focus on me.
I need to learn to love myself again before I can think about a man.
I don’t know if I would ever trust a man with my heart or body again. I definitely don’t need to worry about one brush off.
I come first, and I still have a lot of healing to do.
Chapter Eight
Camilla
Three weeks later…
I have been more confident in who I am in these last few weeks.
I’ve been working on going out to do something on my own a few times a week with my family, and the panicky feeling is minimal now.
I still get the eerie feeling that someone is watching me, but I wonder if it’s just me being paranoid because there is a lot of talk about how I was missing for over five months and now I’m back, but I never gave anyone the full story but the police. I told them what I could, and what Derek had said that I should say.
I just shake it off and tell myself that I’m just making things up in my head.
The women from the club were coming today with a couple brothers because they never leave them unprotected. The club still has enemies and they aren’t taking any chances, which I don’t question. Shield and Stitch are coming along with Ella, Krista, Katy, Olivia, Sophie, Sasha, and Lily. Lily and Sasha wanted to come and spend some time
with my mom and, when they heard what we were doing, they wasted no time in finalizing the plans.
I still haven’t texted Tyson and he hasn’t said anything back. I wonder if he even notices that I stopped sending him pictures. A part of me hopes that he does.
I try to ignore the feeling of disappointment it gives me every time that I think that he doesn’t care.
I had forced myself to focus on the person that I am becoming.
My therapist is very happy with the work I am doing and for that I am glad. I had been open and honest with her about everything.
I’ve spent a crazy amount of time working out and feel physically stronger with every passing day. Everyone seems impressed with the work I am doing and are asking me to join the next self-defence class. The idea made my palms sweat, but the instructor has said that I have made a lot of progress in the last few months. The instructor said that it would be good to see me with a group of people. I also liked the idea that I might be able to help other people.
I had thought about all those people who were taking the class because of an ex, parent, sibling, bully hurting them, or ones who just took it to help themselves feel safer.
I respected everything the class was about and finally agreed. The class is in two days and, even though I am anxious, I am a bit excited to be around more people.
My thoughts are broken when I see a couple of SUVs pull up.
I walk over, open the door and smile when I see all the women plus Stitch and Shield come out. They grab a lot of bags from the back and I have to wonder what they decided to bring to a girls’ day.
From the one I experienced when I was still at the clubhouse, I would have to guess that some alcohol is involved.
I hug each of them as they come onto the porch. They all greet me with friendly faces.
“What did you all bring?” I ask eyeing all the bags.
I see Stitch and Shield shake their heads. “Well we brought snacks, booze, and some girls’ night games to make the night more fun,” Lily says smiling.
“Oh okay. Well let’s set everything up but, to be honest, my mom has been making appetizers all morning so we are going to have a lot of food,” I say as we walk into the kitchen.
“I could eat about a thousand pounds of food right now. I’m starving,” Sophie says coming into the kitchen eyeing everything while licking her lips.
“Well go ahead, some of it is still warm,” my mom says hearing Sophie talk about how hungry she is.
Everyone eats and it’s great to see everyone getting along. My Auntie Wendy comes over thirty minutes later with some nail supplies. I had asked my mom to invite her, so we could make it a complete girls, day and night.
I found myself looking forward to it instead of dreading it.
Everyone gets their hair and nails done while having some drinks. I’m pretty sure that the only sober ones by the end of the night are Sophie and Krista, but they are having just as much fun.
The door is open to the living room and I can see Stitch, Shield, my brother, and my dad all talking in the living room. To my surprise, the brothers don’t drink. When my dad asked them why, they said it was because they were on watch.
That definitely showed me how serious these guys took their duty and club.
Every day it seems to get easier to breathe.
I can only hope for the day that I don’t have any flashbacks and I can walk around without looking over my shoulder.
But with these women right here, I can feel a bond forming, and I feel like they are going to be an important part of my life.
Tyson “Torch”
I curse as I hit my hand with the hammer for the third time.
My mind has been a complete mess these last three weeks; ever since I had walked out of that BBQ after seeing Camilla looking completely gorgeous. I could not stand the feeling it gave me as it came with immediate guilt. Instantly, I found her attractive and I found myself looking at her in a way that I shouldn’t. A range of emotions washed over me in seconds.
I didn’t know what to do with it at the time and, to be honest, I still don’t.
That day, I had taken off and found myself at Stacey’s grave. It was almost like I could feel her presence there beside me trying to calm me down.
I didn’t bother to wipe the tears as they fell. I have cried more since she died than I have in my entire life. I couldn’t help the guilt that had overcome me.
It’s too soon to look at another woman and think that she’s gorgeous.
I shouldn’t want to look forward to her silly photos but, once they stopped, I realized how much I did.
So many times I had picked up my phone ready to text her and ask her why she had stopped sending them, but I didn’t know what kind of message that was sending to her.
I don’t want to lead her on in any way because she has already been through too much when I’m unsure of everything. My heart still feels like it is completely shattered and I know that I’m not ready for more.
The memories of Stacey come as they always do. I still save the drinking for the night; especially because in the afternoons a few times a week I have been spending time with my niece and nephews. I had made a promise to myself and I intended to keep it.
The kitchen is done now because I have been working very hard on it as long as I can. I do not want to sit down in my house because any time I relax, I feel myself slipping deeper into my mind. I fixated on making sure that everything was perfect before I moved onto the next room.
I stand back and look at my work. The top-of-the-line stove and stainless steel fridge matching with the dark cupboards make the kitchen look pretty good.
I had created an island in the middle of the kitchen for more counter space. I don’t know what I need the counter space for, but it looks like it would be helpful to have that much room.
I bought a six seater wooden table and leather chairs. It was a set that I liked, and I knew that I couldn’t get away with buying a small table because I have a lot of family that visits with their kids, and brothers who used to come over before I turned into a grumpy ass. The place looks pretty good for mostly me doing the work.
I plan to paint this weekend in the hallway and living room. I picked the colours out and got everything that I will need. There is a sense of accomplishment that comes over me from being able to do this on my own.
It had helped take my mind off a certain woman.
Camilla has been taking more of my mind than I would have liked her too.
I had made Stacey my Old Lady and that wasn’t something that I took lightly. I hadn’t wanted just anyone to wear my patch and I knew it was an important decision to make. Being an Old Lady and claiming a woman as yours is like marriage to us bikers.
Old Ladies were protected. Respected. I didn’t want to do anything to dishonour the name and title it held.
It was almost like Stacey had fallen into my lap.
I had saved her from an asshole who thought the word “no” meant “try harder.”
I hated assholes like that and everything that they stood for.
The club had gone on lockdown and I didn’t want her to share a room with any other brothers, and I had thoughts of wanting to kill anyone who tried.
I knew that my sister would be in Damien’s room. He was completely protective and possessive of her. I knew that Ella was in good hands and, if I wanted her to fall for anyone, I was glad it was a brother.
I was able to hold her in my arms that first night and it had completely felt right. There is no other way to describe it. She felt like she belonged there.
This life is dangerous. It’s not something to take lightly. Stacey didn’t like bikers at first, but then everything happened with Ella and she saw us in a different light.
I knew it wasn’t easy for her, given how she saw danger every time we were around. Then when she knew that we would protect her, the worst of the fucking worst happened.
I had lost the woman I loved.
&nbs
p; She wasn’t just gone or passed away. She was taken from me. It still guts me to think about it.
She was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. I wish I had the chance again to torture that fucker that laid his hands on my woman. No matter how much pain I inflicted on him, it was still too kind for what he deserved.
I’m sitting in the middle of the hallway leaning against the wall when I clear my thoughts. My face is soaked with tears that I didn’t realize I was shedding.
