by Sarah Till
“No, Ellis, I don’t love Steve. I love you. He was a big part of my life and made a massive impression on me, mostly bad. I just get annoyed at the injustice of it all. Yes, he did steal my children from me. You didn’t see what he did to me, how he threatened me with all sorts of.. of...” It nearly escaped me here but not quite. I still had to protect Ellis from the horror of my previous existence. How I knowingly prostituted myself in the name of being someone’s wife. The nights spent hating my very existence were belied by old photographs of Steve and I smiling broadly behind the two little children. My deep misery was confined to the layers of my body under my skin, making me seem like a normal person. I knew now that the toxins of my marriage had not fully seeped out through my pores, had not dispersed into nothingness. Ellis had noticed too, and it was clearly hurting him. I somehow managed to seal the pores temporarily, eager not to divulge the events in the toilets. “Well, you know, Ellis, I told you.”
A veneer seemed to sweep over Ellis now and he put his unbroken arm behind his head.
“I know what you’ve told me. That he called you names and led a life of crime behind your back, argued with you about how you should bring your kids up and objected to you working. What I don’t understand, Jinny, is how that is so different from other people’s break ups. I mean, Jean and I had the same problems, but you don’t see me banging the drum to bring back fucking hanging, do you? I’m not saying it wasn’t difficult and I admit he is fucking unbearable, but you got rid of him years ago for all intents and purposes. Then we began to live together. Shouldn’t that be enough to erase him from your life? You’re fucking obsessed, woman.”
I swallowed back the tears. Although I wanted to tell him the truth about all the times Steve forced me to have sex, all the abuse when he was full of drugs, all the whispering in my ear that he would kill me until I was scared to death, I couldn’t. I knew that it would open a whole new can of worms. My mind reeled with the possibilities of various scenarios, if I divulged the true extent of Swiss Steve’s capabilities, and what he had done to me only days before.
I turned my head away from Ellis. At least I knew how he felt. Looking back, I supposed he was right. In common with Payne, he had noticed that I was ultra-quick to hang the blame for my mother’s murder on John Baxter or Swiss Steve. It probably did look like I was a woman scorned, trying to get revenge on my ex-husband and the person who had replaced my father. I had insisted on letting everyone know that Swiss Steve and my mother had an affair. Ellis had warned me not to, but it had made no difference. No one had listened anyway. I thought for a few minutes and pinpointed the reason why no one would listen. The reason why Ellis was so angry with me. It was because, locked deep inside me, was a set of secrets that I was too ashamed and afraid to speak of. Even my own children thought that I was a mean-spirited person with a grievance. What none of them knew was what that grievance was. My acting skills, those that I had honed and tempered over the years gave me the appearance of someone confident and open. Only I knew that inside lay a warped version of how to continue, a bent reality where the unacceptable became part of my everyday life. In the end, I knew that it came down to one question. The same question that everyone, in the end game, would ask: Why didn’t she leave? If it was that bad, why didn’t she take the children and go?
I could almost see it imprinted on Ellis’ forehead: Why didn’t she leave him sooner? I had explained to Ellis over and over again how scared I’s been, but without specific examples it would have been difficult for him to know what had happened. It was simple to me: Swiss Steve was a nasty piece of work who had killed someone. He had taken exception to the way I wanted to live my life, to be, and decided that he would have it his way. To do so, he overpowered me with all the evil he had inside him and threatened to kill me if I left. Why wouldn’t I believe him? No one else had heard the whispering in the night, felt the cold hands under the covers, his more than tight grip, even the warning look, the slight facial change that I could detect that told me he was about to erupt. The highly visible argument that posed as our marriage was, as Ellis correctly stated, nothing out of the ordinary.
Ellis was feigning sleep. I could tell he wasn’t really asleep as he occasionally licked his lips and swallowed. I waited for about half an hour then touched his arm. He turned his head slowly. I was afraid that his eyes would be cold and distant and that his look would tell me that he no longer loved me. I slowly raised my face to meet his eyes and found a soft frown of worry and a film of moisture over his eyes. He was as near to tears as I was.
“I do love you, Ellis. I don’t love Steve. There’s more to it, more than I told you.”
He moved closer to me.
“More about him killing that bloke? You should tell the police.”
I shook my head and lowered my lids. My heart beat fast and I felt vomit in my throat.
“No. No. It’s much more serious than that. It about what he did to me. I mean the details. I haven’t really told you, have I?”
I knew that this was a pivotal moment in our relationship. He could easily dismiss me on two counts: that I had told him in the four years we had been together or that he wouldn’t want me anymore if he knew the extent of what I had done. I held my breath.
“Haven’t you? What did he do to you, Jinny? What has he done?”
I winced and still held back.
“He was very cruel. He hurt me physically. He... he made me do things I didn’t want to.”
Ellis sat up in the neat hospital bed.
“You mean he raped you?”
I struggled to admit this out loud to Ellis. I nodded quickly.
“Yes, he did. And he made me do things that I can’t even tell you about. Horrible things.”
Ellis’ eyes narrowed.
“Did he assault you in the toilets at the station?”
I nodded.
“Well, it looked like him on the CCTV. I told Payne but he wouldn’t listen. He thinks I’m some neurotic woman with a grudge.”
Ellis jumped out of bed and jumped in with me. His broken arm was strapped to his chest and this stopped him getting very close to me, but he squeezed into the single hospital bed as closely as he could and kissed me.
“I’m sorry, Jinny. I thought it was because you still loved him. I’m stupid.”
I lay my head on the pillow next to him.
“Not stupid. It’s understandable. I was just scared. And I still am. Those three are out there running around, able to do anything without question. It’s a bad situation and I still feel in danger.”
Ellis smiled a little.
“Maybe there are only two of them out there. As I said, someone was down in the cellar. I’m sure of it now.”
I pulled back a little.
“So, you locked the door on purpose?”
He cocked his head.
“Well, yes. I thought then that it might be a burglar or maybe just the boiler. I didn’t know someone was going to blow the front of our house off, did I?”
We lay back and the warmth of Ellis’ body sank into me. I relaxed and he was asleep before me.
I woke up before the sun came up. I needed the toilet and eased myself away from Ellis. The corridor outside was dark and I opened the door slightly to make sure I was safe. A policeman sat outside on a hard-backed chair. I could see the door to the toilets in the distance and I nodded at the policeman, who followed me there and waited. I used the toilet and washed my face, looking in the mirror. Remarkably, the explosion had left no mark on me. The cut above my eyes was slightly yellow now and I rubbed my eyes and yawned. I pulled the door open and saw the policeman was talking to an old man pushing a trolley laden with sweets, drinks and newspapers. I picked up a paper and a bottle of juice. I realised I had no cash.
“Can you lend me a pound? I’ll get it back to you when I return to get my bag.”
The policeman handed me a pound coin and I bought the paper and the drink. Sauntering back to the room, I gazed lazily at the headlines. My attent
ion narrowed in on the big black letters above a picture of my house. I read the headline again.
MAJOR CITY TERROR PLOT AVERTED – TWO IN CUSTODY
I sighed in disbelief and read further.
Central London was evacuated last night amid fears that further devices were about to be detonated at the homes of activists throughout the city. The explosion near Victoria Station destroyed the home of Virginia Munro, and activist whose mother had recently appealed for the return of Britain for the British. Security services remained on alert today as a man was arrested near the scene. Another man, already in police custody, was thought to be connected with the incident. Mrs Munro and her partner Ellis Brunel were not seriously injured in the explosion but remain in hospital.
I rushed into the room and shook Ellis. He was groggy and grumpy in the mornings and this was no exception, but a glance at the national tabloid woke him fully.
“Holy shit!”
He read the article and looked at me.
“What the hell are they thinking? Didn’t you tell them yesterday that it was fucking John Baxter? I was drifting in an out of the conversation but I heard you tell them exactly what you thought.”
I nodded vigorously.
“Yes, I did. I told them but they are still insisting that it’s some kind of extremist plot to wipe out the Mason women. Not to mention that they have practically cast me in the role of a BNP member. Can you believe it?”
Ellis waved the paper around.
“Sue them. Fucking sue them. I can just see it now: left wing mother of two Virginia Munro wins high court victory against police, church and media. My God, Jinny, I can’t believe this. It’s all out of proportion.”
He stopped talking for a moment and thought.
“What’s up?”
I was a little worried that he had suddenly remembered last night’s tiff and what had been said and decided that he wanted rid of me and my accompanying trouble after all.
“Oh, nothing. I just remembered. They will probably be clearing up today.”
We looked at each other and hugged. It hadn’t seemed so long since my mother was alive and estranged, and I wasn’t at the centre of a murder plot. We shared the orange juice as the sun rose over the hospital ground. Ellis put a protective arm around me and kept one eye on the door.
“Where will we go?”
I shrugged.
“Hotel. I suppose. Maybe we can rent a flat until the house is repaired. I suppose our clothes and shoes will be ruined.”
He laughed and tugged at my hair a little.
“Trust you to think of that! I was more worried about my laptop. I expect that’s gone, too. The things you think of when you’re stuck in hospital, eh?”
I moved a little closer.
“What two things would you have brought with you if you’d have known the house was about to explode?”
He giggled slightly and looked at my chest.
“Those two.”
I reddened.
“No, really which two things?”
“Oh, I don’t know. My Rolex watch and my laptop.”
I playfully punched his arm.
“Ooh I didn’t know you loved your laptop so much!”
He laughed again.
“What about you?”
“That’s easy. My credit card and you. But not in that order.”
He kissed my sore forehead.
“Looks like you got what you wanted then. You got me and your credit card’s in your bag.”
A warm feeling spread through me. It was hard to explain until I remembered that I had felt it when I met Lynus Brown in the park. I felt like I was home. I turned to Ellis.
“You know, Ellis, I used to say I needed to be hit over the head with something before it would register with me. Now I think it’s literally happened. Even though everything has been so dreadful and we have gone through a lot in the past week, both of us, I feel really, really happy. Sort of warm and secure, as if someone’s looking after me.”
He hugged me closer.
“I am.”
I smiled up at him but I knew that it was more than Ellis’ care that was there. It was something external yet internal that connected me with a sense of wellbeing. As if everything was going to be fine. I glanced at the newspaper which told me that in fact everything was far from fine. The cynic in me scoffed at the growing feeling of satisfaction that seemed to be taking over. I was just being silly. It was a result of the shock I had suffered, a knock-back effect of my grief. I told myself that I shouldn’t be feeling so happy with my mother’s killers on the loose. That I shouldn’t feel so safe with Swiss Steve potentially lurking around the corner.
The feeling continued to grow as the nursing staff brought us breakfast. Ellis was busy on the telephone, organising an apartment that he just remembered one of his colleagues wanted to rent out. He called the insurance people, who had almost fainted with excitement when he told them the address. A doctor appeared and examined Ellis’ arm. He had a nasty fracture, but wouldn’t need it resetting, a piece of news that made Ellis grin from ear to ear. After a general examination of us both and a long look at the charts, we were discharged. We ordered a taxi and sat on the bed. In a few minutes, we would be on our way to a new life.
The door opened and we both stood up quickly. DI Payne entered, this time flanked by two uniformed officers. They had our bags, the ones we had packed for our holiday. We sat again. Feeling a little disappointed that he wasn’t the taxi driver, I grunted.
“What do you want?”
In a near deja vu experience, he sat on the same chair he had sat on the previous evening. I swung my legs and waited, my mind already mocking his words.
“It seems we’ve had a breakthrough in the investigation.”
I nodded and heard Ellis catch his breath.
“Can we have our cases, please?”
Ellis was concerned about his case and I suspected his laptop was in it. Payne looked tired and distracted. I noticed his eyes were heavy.
“Yes. Yes. Of course. Whenever you like. I’m afraid we had to go through them. Anyhow, what I’m trying to say is that we found a body in the basement of your house. It seems it is that of the person who blew up your house. An extensive amount of explosives were used and I’m afraid that you won’t be able to go back there for some time.”
By now I was almost shaking with anticipation. Ellis beat me to it.
“That’s OK. We’ve found an apartment where we can stay across town. Who is it?”
Payne looked at his knees and pursed his lips.
“The person in the basement?”
We replied in unison, although my response was more drawn out and sarcastic than Ellis’. I could almost hear Ellis’ heart crying out for Payne to utter the word ‘Steve’. But he didn’t.
“It was John Baxter.”
I stared at him, hard and long.
“Is he dead?”
Payne’s mouth turned up at the corners.
“Yes. He’s dead. He was found at the top of the stairs behind a locked door. Presumably, the door you locked on your way out.”
Ellis and I looked at each other then at Payne. I couldn’t actually believe it.
“So, it’s over then?”
He nodded.
“Yes. We arrested Sandra Reid this morning and she admitted to murdering your mother and to drugging you. The only thing left now is to find out who assaulted you. We can go over your story again later on, but I’m afraid John Baxter was elsewhere when that happened. We have him on CCTV driving up Buckingham Palace road around that time. He even stopped further on at a shop for milk. He had it all worked out, it seemed.”
I shook my head.
“I know. I know he had it all worked out. He certainly had you and your colleagues worked out as well. If we hadn’t locked the door and he had escaped, you would never have believed me, would you, and those poor people would still be in prison?”
Payne reddened.
; “You can never be too careful, Virginia. Never be too careful.”
I was seethed.
“Never too careful but at the expense of innocent people. He played you and you knew it. Now, what about Steve?”
I felt Ellis flinch and turned to him.
“Don’t worry. Ellis, I’m not going to carry this on forever. But on the other hand, I’m not covering up for him. I need to tell the truth, just once, then let it be. Shiralee and Jupiter will have to make their own minds up. But I’m not letting him get away with what he’s done, or it will go on forever in my head.”
He nodded.
“OK. But later. Let’s get settled first. Can this wait, DI Payne?”
He nodded.
“Certainly. I’ll be in touch.”
He walked slowly out of the room and the uniformed officers fell in behind him. I looked at Ellis.
“Oh, thank God. Thank God. At last.”
He squeezed me tight.
“Yes, it's a relief to be sure. But you’re right, it doesn’t really change anything. Apart from John Baxter being dead and his mother in jail where she belongs. I mean, Payne hasn’t changed his tune, has he? No apology there.”
The taxi driver opened the door and silently took our bags. We followed him slowly out of the hospital and down the path to the taxi. I reached along the back seat and dropped my bag, helping Ellis in as he struggled with his arm.
The engine started and I slammed the door. It really felt like we were starting a new life. My excitement mounted as the driver put the car in gear. I turned to look at the hospital and Swiss Steve stared back at me from a nearby bench. The question that had lingered on the edge of my consciousness until this moment finally surfaced. I had queried his motives for not killing me on the basis of his affair with my mother. I had refused to believe that, in his own convoluted way, he had loved me still and his control was the fruit of his warped morals. He had said that he loved her at her funeral and cried. I had subliminally considered that he slept with her to make me jealous. Unconvincing, this strand of poison ivy that had bound my body had snapped and died away. Now, another tendril snaked its way into my brain. Sally and I had a lot in common. Our commonalities in mothering were only a small part of the round of similarities we held. Aesthetically different, I supposed that the way I held myself, the way my hips swayed, the way I looked at Swiss Steve now from under lowered eyelashes mimicked all I had learned from a lifetime of watching Sally manipulate everyone. Did he find what he most wanted – what he didn't manage to control in me - in her, a willing partner?
