“You mean a lot to me, too,” Leighton whispered. He kissed his head, breath warming Alex's scalp.
They sat for a long moment. The day was turning dark. At length, Leighton stood.
“We ought to go upstairs,” he said warmly. “We have supper. We'll have to reheat it anyway now.”
“Yes,” Alex smiled. “I would have done mine anyway. I like hot things.”
They both laughed.
“Well, that makes us,” Leighton smiled. “Now, then. I guess we have some things to say to Geoff, right?”
Alex swallowed. Of all the things he had thought, he had not thought he would have to explain to Geoff how he felt. Thinking about it, though, it would be good to get it out. They had to talk. He would feel so much better if everyone knew the fullness of what was really happening.
“I guess so,” Alex said, taking a deep breath.
Leighton smiled and patted his shoulder not-too-gently. “Well, one thing is, we have each other. The three of us are unbreakable, man. All together.”
“All together,” Alex said firmly. In his heart, in its deepest secret corner, he wished that he and Geoff could be alone. After his experience with him, he would have liked that. But Leighton was there first. And he liked Leighton.
Feeling confused and uncertain but glad at least to have been open with Leighton, and to have a chance to tell Geoff about it, he walked beside Leighton back up the path toward the dorm, the lights already on and twinkling through the darkness out to them.
17
Geoff
The three of them in bed at once was commonplace now.
Geoff, lying in between them, trying to rest, found himself thinking and worrying.
He could hear Leighton's breath beside him. He moved closer, feeling the sound warm his heart.
He thought about the evening together. They had tried new things: Leighton had taken him from behind and he had given Alex a blowjob. He recalled the feeling of Leighton deep inside him and it made him smile. He tried not to be jealous of the fact that Leighton had done the same thing with Alex. He really wanted to feel the same way about both of them, to not mind about Alex and Leighton's interaction. But it was hard.
I wish I could learn to just forget about it.
When Leighton and Alex had returned with dinner, he had instantly felt a closeness between them. A return of their former bond. He had initially felt withdrawn and hurt, but then they had both told him surprising news.
Alex had confessed that he liked him. That he always had. That he had wanted him first. The thought was staggering. Of all the people Geoff would have imagined liking him, Alex was not one.
He tried to remember how things were before he and Leighton had made out. He could remember, if he thought about it, odd looks he’d caught from Alex. He had always immediately looked away, blank and bland, as if he found Geoff about as interesting as Geoff found golfing. Not very, in other words. Now that he thought about it, he realized that he had looked like that at Leighton. Trying hard to keep him unaware of how he felt. He had felt ashamed of it, though. He could see no reason why Alex would have done that.
Why did they tell me about this?
He found it had changed things, just a little. He felt better, knowing a bit about what was going on that he had not known. He understood why Alex had touched him first, and why he had wanted to be the first one to be with him. He understood why Alex had been withdrawn again for the last day, even more than when he’d first entered the dorm, a month or more before this time.
I just don't know what to do now.
He heard Leighton stir beside him. He moved closer and lay beside him, feeling strangely sad. Even though having Alex beside him was pleasant, a part of him wished that he could be with Leighton, and only him. He knew that was not going to be, though.
Leighton had explained that, since they were all together now, they might as well stay that way.
Geoff agreed.
It was certainly exciting, and different, and led to experiences he'd always remember. But he had cherished what he’d had with Leighton and it was hard, somehow, to share.
I have to share. They had all agreed to it.
After they had talked, they drank together, some Bourbon Leighton smuggled back from home. They had felt mellow and happy together. The idea felt sound.
And after a mind-blowing two hours, they all agreed what they had was absolutely right and they never wanted a change.
Now, as his skin cooled with his sweat, he was not sure that was what he wanted.
He snuggled closer to Leighton and at that moment he heard Alex murmur something. He turned. Alex was already fast asleep. He could hear his even breaths: in and out. He sighed. He moved back so that he was touching Alex, and he shifted in his sleep, an arm touching Geoff as if to draw him into an embrace.
Geoff sighed. Not only did he like Alex, he was fairly sure, given time, he might love him. But he had felt that way about Leighton from almost when he’d first seen him.
Lying there in the almost-darkness, surrounded by the soft outbreaths of the other two beside him, Geoff felt as if he had absolutely no idea at all what he wanted. All he knew was that this was a month, this was a time, that he would always certainly remember. He was, for the first time, living as completely and utterly his own self. It was wonderful.
18
Leighton
It was the end of the quarter.
Not the first quarter, with its promise of Christmas, but the fourth. With its promise of the long, lazy summer holiday ahead of them.
Leighton sat on the chair in the dorm room, looking at Alex and Geoff in front of him. He grinned. He was tired, and happy and contented. The freshman year had ended. His grades were good, and so were Alex and Geoff's. Not surprisingly.
Not only that, they were best friends. Thinking back over the year he felt slightly dazed. It did not seem possible that they had spent a whole year together. That the whole year had passed. When he thought about what they had learned in that year, what he had experienced in that year, how he had changed, he felt quite tired.
“We're finished our first year,” he said to the other two. It was probably a redundant statement, and he sighed after he made it, but they both nodded, understanding what he meant.
“It's been a year,” Alex said, blowing out his cheeks wearily. They all laughed.
“You can say that,” Geoff said. He smiled fondly at Alex, who nodded.
“I did.”
They all laughed. Leighton, watching the two of them, felt his heart expanding. He loved them both. Somewhere between friendship and romance, he felt a middle ground which held what he felt for each of them.
Most importantly, they were friends. Somehow, during the months together, they had resolved whatever differences were between them, and settled into a friendship that was supportive for them all.
Leighton looked fondly at them both. Alex, the wise-guy, was always ready to talk them in anywhere. Geoff helped them both improve their homework, and Leighton...well...it seemed it fell to him to keep everyone going. Making schedules and rosters, taking trips in the car, remembering mealtimes and birthdays and solving disagreements, whether between them or with friends.
I've grown a lot, he thought.
“I feel like I've learned so much,” Geoff said, voicing his unspoken thoughts.
Leighton nodded and Alex chuckled.
“Yeah, you can say that again,” he nodded. “My brain melted.”
Geoff smiled.
“It's not just in class,” Alex observed, “that I learned stuff. It's about life. I've...grown.”
Geoff chuckled. “We've all grown.”
Leighton nodded. “Well, don't you dare grow any more. Or nothing will fit you. Tall guy.”
Geoff rolled his eyes. “You know what I mean.”
“We know.” Alex cuffed him playfully on the shoulder.
“You are right.” Leighton said. “We have learned a lot.”
The
y were quiet for a while.
“I'm gonna miss you guys,” Alex said.
Leighton, who had been thinking exactly the same thing at that moment, looked at him seriously. He nodded. It was the thought that had been bothering him all morning. The thought that had, he realized, made them all quieter. It was their last day.
“Yeah.” His voice, when it came out, was wavering. He wanted to cry. The depth of his feeling amazed him. He cleared his throat. “Yeah. We're great.”
Alex nodded. He did have a tear on his cheek. That was something Leighton had learned from him. Alex never hid his feelings. He was unashamed of anything. He watched him sniff, then turn to Geoff, so they were all sitting in a circle, facing one another.
“You guys are the best guys on the planet,” Alex said sincerely. “I have learned so much from both of you.”
Leighton nodded. He bit his lip. He was crying, and he did not care. They were all quiet for a moment, clearly each lost in their own private thoughts.
Geoff cleared his throat after a while. “We've had great times. You two are like...my bestest somethings.”
Leighton roared with laughter. Geoff was sniffing, too, and a tear rolled down his cheek. Leighton found a tissue, passed it across.
“Best somethings. I like that.”
Geoff grinned through his tears. “Well, bit difficult to describe, right?”
They all laughed.
When Leighton stopped laughing, he leaned back on the chair, thinking about it.
How could he even begin to describe how he felt? None of them were...partners. Not exactly. During the year things had changed between them. Instead of the tension between him and Geoff, Geoff and Alex, Alex and himself, things had broadened, become a relationship that held all three of them, a friendship and companionship that included sexual closeness, but was about more than that alone. It was not exactly like he had stopped wanting a partner. It was more like that he had stopped trying to force things, trying to make a partnership out of something that was, and always would be, something else.
It's not a romance, Leighton thought, trying to make sense of what he felt. They had all decided that a romance with either one of the others was not how they wanted things to develop.
They liked the way things were.
Now, things were changing. It felt right.
They would move out of the dorm, and move into the rest of the town, broadening their horizons in their second year. What would happen next, none of them were sure.
“I'm going to Miami this holiday,” Geoff announced. “Maybe I'll actually catch a tan.”
They all laughed. “Only if you're not taking your textbooks along,” Alex said.
Leighton laughed. The jokes about Geoff and his constant studying had become a friendly reference between the three.
“I'm going to Hawaii,” he said. Alex rolled his eyes.
“Spoiled brat.”
They all laughed.
“It's not that,” Leighton protested, even though he knew they were teasing him. “My family always goes there. It's, like...”
“Traditional?” Alex supplied archly.
They all laughed again.
“What are you doing?” Leighton asked Alex after a moment.
“I'm going to travel,” Alex announced.
“Really?” Leighton raised his eyebrow.
“A friend of mine works in Taiwan. He invited me out there for a month,” Alex explained.
“Wow! Taiwan! Impressive.”
“That's awesome,” Leighton smiled. “Makes Hawaii look ordinary.”
“Your friend,” Leighton asked. “Is he..?”
Alex grinned. “He's gay. Very.”
“I like the degrees of gay,” Geoff said. “Why very?”
“You'd need to meet Paul. Then you'd understand,” Alex laughed.
“You are..?” Leighton asked. He wanted to know if they were romantically involved. He felt a slight wistful sense in his heart and it surprised him. He had not expected that.
Not that he was jealous, far from it. He was just finding it difficult to understand that things were altering.
“We're friends. We were...partners. Once. Long ago,” Alex explained. “I don't know what I think.”
“You think you might be again?”
“I dunno.” He shrugged. “I'm different.”
Geoff nodded. “We're all different. This year happened.”
Leighton smiled. It was the best way he could have thought of explaining.
“You're right,” he nodded. “This was an amazing year.”
“I learned so much stuff, none of what I expected,” Alex agreed. “I thought I knew all about...you know...that stuff. Now I've met you guys, I feel like I'm a different person.”
“Yeah,” Leighton nodded.
“Well, I wouldn't have even outed if it wasn't thanks to you guys,” Geoff supplied. “Not for years and years, anyway. I think so.”
Leighton nodded. “I didn't know how serious I was about...being me...either,” he added, thoughtful.
“Well, that's where I'm the odd-one-out,” Alex said, and grinned. “But even for me, I have to say, I changed. I used to be...more casual than I am.” he shrugged. “I dunno how to explain it. I just know I'm different now.”
Leighton nodded. He looked at the room, where all their bags were packed. Then he sighed.
“We have to be at the airport at six, right?”
“Can we say five-thirty?”
Alex nodded agreement. “Geoff wants to be early. Said he's not sure they'll let his luggage on. As hand luggage.”
“Sure,” Leighton nodded. “Five thirty it is.”
He was, as usual, the driver. They had tried drawing lots once, to choose who would drive when they went out, and, since he had drawn it anyway, they had decided there was no point. There was, somewhere, written in the stars, that Leighton was the driver. He was happy with that.
They sat in silence for a while.
“I don't want this to end,” Alex said suddenly.
Geoff nodded vigorously.
“Me too,” Leighton said after a moment. “This was great.”
They all sat quietly, each thinking about their memories.
“Remember that time in the park,” Alex said slowly.
“You mean, that time when we played football?” Leighton asked. He had taught the two of them the rudiments—neither of them played much— and they had played a crazy game of one-and-a-half-per-side football. At the end of the day they had all declared loss when Geoff kicked the ball through the makeshift goal of his own team.
They had all collapsed on the grass together, crying with laughter, happy and tired.
It had been an amazing afternoon.
“Yeah,” Alex agreed. “Remember what we said then?”
Geoff nodded and Leighton remembered a moment later. He felt his heart tense. “We said that we were all on the same team, for always.”
Alex nodded soberly. Geoff stared at him.
“Yeah,” he said, nodding vigorously “Remember we said that little thing, almost like a song or something?”
Leighton bit his lip. He remembered it.
It had been Geoff who’d made it up and Alex who had elaborated, making it into a little verse. They had all said it together, as solemn as a promise.
Leighton said it now and they all repeated it.
“United we are, united we stand. All on one team, forever as friends.”
They joined in and when they finished, their eyes were all welling up.
Leighton looked away, sniffing. When he looked back, he laughed.
“Look at us,” he sighed. “You'd think we're parting forever. It's a long holiday, but we'll see each other again.”
They all knew it would be different. They wanted it to be different. But it was amazing.
Geoff spoke up. “I'm gonna miss you guys.”
Leighton nodded. “Me too, man.”
Geoff looked at his watch. Lei
ghton nodded. They didn't need words for it.
They all stood at almost the same time. They shook hands, hugged, jostled playfully. Kissed.
Leighton squeezed Geoff hard and then turned to hug Alex, feeling a stab of sadness.
When they were all ready, they gathered their cases and carried them down to the car.
Amidst laughter and good-natured jokes, they loaded the luggage into the car, joking they would put Geoff on the roof-racks, since he was the tallest and skinniest.
When the car was packed and everyone inside, Leighton went upstairs again, to check nothing was forgotten. He looked around the room, feeling his heart ache.
It had been an amazing year. Now it had ended.
As he walked down the stairs he knew that all he had experienced, all he had learned and all the growing he had done, was part of him.
Things changed, but they never died. He would have his memories forever. And they were inside him now, and part of him, changing who he had been into the happy, caring, strong person he had become.
I have never, he thought as he walked down the stairs, had a year like this.
It was an amazing year.
Introduction
Nathan has it all—at least that’s what he thought. He’s worked his ass off his whole life to build an enviable career as an investment banker, and now he’s finally been given the big-time promotion he’s been coveting since he moved to NYC. But when he doesn’t have a single soul to call on to share in his big news, Nathan starts to wonder if his priorities need reorganizing.
Determined to set things right and actually start living his life—tonight—Nathan wanders into a hot and steamy nightclub and discovers that the list of things he’s been missing out on is much longer than he ever could have imagined…
1
“I love you, Nathan. I really do. But I can’t be your secret anymore. I love you to the moon and back, but...”
“But you can’t be with me, right?” I interrupted him in between and finished his sentence. I knew that our love had just died a tragic death, but we were both hesitant to say it out loud.
College Threeway: A First Time Gay Romance (Bareback University) Page 8
