I was so out of breath.
“Landon, what is going on? What was that noise and what is that smell?”
Landon was frantically untying me.
“There was an explosion in the shed. Everybody ran out there when it happened. They’re busy dealing with it right now, but we’ve got to get the hell out of here before they realize they left us alone in the house.”
Landon finished untying me, grabbed my arm, turned me around, and pointed me toward the car. When we got out into the yard, I noticed there were three people standing at the corner of the house. I stopped to take a second look when I realized one of them was Ivy Lang. Then it dawned on me that the woman in the house reminded me of Ivy and that was why she’d looked so familiar. They were sisters. That must have been who Landon had been texting. I knew that girl was bad news. Now it all made sense. Landon had said his uncle’s girlfriend and her sister lived here. Ivy lived here.
Landon came back to where I was standing and dragged me to the car.
“What the hell are you doing, Jane? We’ve got to get out of here. If Mac and his gang don’t get us, the cops will. After an explosion like that, they have to be on their way. We’ve got to go now.”
Landon was quiet until we got out onto the main road. I could tell he was scared and upset. He was gripping the steering wheel so tight his knuckles were snow white. Finally he spoke.
“Jane, what were you doing? Do you realize he really could have—and would have—killed you? The only thing that saved your life was that damn explosion. How did you know where I was? How did you even get here?”
I tucked my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms around my legs.
“I snuck into the back of your car before you left,” I said. “I wanted to see where it is that you go in the middle of the night. Once we were here, I couldn’t help myself. I had to take a look inside. I wanted to see what you were doing. I guess I should have known.”
Landon pressed his foot down harder on the accelerator. The speedometer read 85 mph.
“Oh, here we go,” he said sarcastically. “You should have known what? That I was going after pills? Yes, I was. But only because I’m not feeling well and I knew they would make feel better. I’m catching the flu or something.”
I slammed my legs onto the floor of the car.
“After all the crap we’ve been through tonight, don’t even give me that bullshit, Landon!” I yelled. “I know you’re freaking dope-sick. Why can’t you just admit it? You own up to doing them, but you just can’t seem to own up to how much control they have over you. That stuff is running your life. You live for it anymore. If you’re not high, you’re chasing it or sick because you can’t find it. Do you think I’m stupid, Landon? I know you’re high when you’re in a great mood. I see the white stuff crusted in your nose sometimes. I know what that is. I know that when you’re impatient, quick-tempered, or not feeling well, that means you’re out of them. You must have forgotten that I’ve lived through all this stuff a time or two. I’ve seen it before.”
Landon still had a very tight grip on the steering wheel and was still flying down the road. He was really scaring me. I had never seen him like this.
“Why do you put up with my pathetic ass if you know everything then?”
Why did I put up with all this? I didn’t let my mother get away with any of it. I still gave her a hard time about it, yet there I was sitting with Landon after almost having my throat slashed by his drug dealer uncle. What was wrong with me? Oh, right: I loved him. That’s what was wrong with me. I’d always heard stories about women who had been beaten by their boyfriend or husband. People would ask them why they stayed with someone who hurt them and they’d always say, “Because I love him.” That’s how idiotic I sounded. Why do you stay, Jane? Because I love him. Ugh!
“Because I love you, Landon Whitman. That’s why,” I cried.
That was the first time I’d ever said the actual words to Landon. He stayed silent. He did manage to slow down the car for the rest of the ride home. He parked the car in the garage. I got out and walked around to the driver’s side.
“Aren’t you going to get out of the car?” I asked.
Landon laid his seat back.
“Nope, this is where I’ll be staying tonight.”
I wrinkled my eyebrows.
“Why would you want to sleep in your car? You have a perfectly good bed up in your room.”
He shrugged his shoulders.
“Just makes things easier that way.”
I was getting frustrated. Just answer the freaking question; don’t dance around it.
“It makes what easier?” I persisted.
He rested his head back against the seat and closed his eyes.
“Just go to bed, Jane.”
I started walking toward the garage door. He could be such an ass sometimes. As mad as I was at him, I couldn’t stand the thought of leaving him there by himself, sick. I turned around and climbed back into the passenger seat of the car.
Landon turned his head slightly my way and didn’t even open his eyes.
“What are you doing?” he asked.
I folded my arms across my chest.
“I’m staying in the car too then.”
He turned his head back toward the window and mumbled, “Whatever.”
It didn’t seem like it took him very long to fall asleep. So there I sat, in his car, watching him sleep. He hadn’t been asleep for long when he started moving around a lot. His legs started kicking around. Then his arms started to twitch. He couldn’t stay still. I don’t know how he was sleeping the way he was moving around. He would try to pull his legs up to him, but the steering wheel kept getting in the way. This was so much worse than I’d thought. He must have been using a lot more than he said he was.
I sat there for a while just watching him. I knew I shouldn’t snoop through his stuff, but for some reason I felt like I had to. I knew I was going to find things I didn’t want to, but I had to look anyway. I slid his phone out of his coat pocket and started searching his texts. The first one I read was from Ivy. She was telling him to come over and she would hook him up. I hated that girl. There were multiple texts from her, and they were all drug-related. I really didn’t think anything physical was going on between them, but the constant contact between the two of them drove me crazy. I’d asked him multiple times to not have anything to do with her, but he continued to do it anyway. He’d told me he didn’t talk to her anymore, but apparently he just couldn’t help himself. The drugs had taken him over and she was a way for him to get them.
There were lots of other texts from people I didn’t know. I would say 97 percent of the 269 texts in his phone were about drugs. The other 3 percent were from me. I didn’t even bother to read his sent messages. I was nervous he would wake up and catch me with his phone, so I slid it back into his pocket.
I rested my head against the seat and closed my eyes for a few minutes. I was getting really tired. It was going on 4 a.m. I’d been through a really stressful night and it had exhausted me. I would have to head into the house soon. I didn’t want Mother to realize I was gone. I sat upright; I didn’t want to fall asleep. I decided to open the glove box and see what was inside, and I pulled out a small tin box and opened it. I shouldn’t have been shocked, but I was. I couldn’t believe Landon would be so careless to carry something like that right in his car. The tin box had a small piece of paper in it. It also had a small straw and white powdery residue all over the inside. He was taking a huge risk with this, which meant he was completely out of control. What was I supposed to do? Something horrible was going to happen to Landon if he didn’t stop. He had to stop.
I had just put the tin box back into the glove box when I heard Landon’s voice.
“Why are you still out here? You need to go before you get into trouble.”
“I
was watching you sleep,” I replied, “if that’s what you call sleeping. You kicked and twitched all over the place. How long has it been since you had anything? I didn’t realize things were this bad. My feelings for you seem to have blinded me from the truth. I should have seen what was right in front of my face. Landon, you’re killing yourself. I’m so afraid for you. This needs to stop. Please, Landon, stop.”
He frowned at me.
“Jane, I’m fine,” he insisted. “I have everything under control. I’m not going to discuss this with you. I’m going to hang out here for a few and then head in. You need to get to bed before your mother figures out you’re gone. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
I sat there for a few minutes. I was beginning to wonder why I even tried. I decided I was very tired and I really didn’t want to get into trouble. I got out of the car, slammed the door, and walked out of the garage without giving Landon a second look. I snuck back into my room, threw on some pajamas, and climbed into bed. I’d been lying there for about ten minutes when I heard Landon’s Mustang pull out of the driveway. I looked out the window and watched him drive away. He must have been on the hunt again.
It’s so sad how addiction takes over a wonderful person and turns them into someone who will lie or steal to get their next high.
Every time Landon left, I worried he wouldn’t make it back. I was so upset, I figured I wouldn’t be able to sleep. Being tired must have overruled being upset, though, because it wasn’t long before I fell asleep. I dreamed of Landon’s funeral. It made realize I would have to do something soon or that nightmare would become a reality.
Enough
After everything that had happened the night before, I woke up with the realization that I’d had enough. It was a realization I’d come to way too many times before but had never had the guts to act on. Almost getting myself killed might have had something to do with me having the guts finally.
Why was it that even though I knew what was right and what should be done, it was such a struggle to do it? How was I supposed to walk away from someone I loved so much? Didn’t that make me selfish to leave him all alone when he needed me so much? Because no matter how much I told myself it was for his own good, I knew I was doing this for me—for my sanity.
I’d tried to accept Landon for who he was, but I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t sit by and watch him kill himself, because I knew that was what he was doing. He was doing it slowly, and it was like I was giving him the okay to die. I was watching him wither away in front of my eyes. I didn’t understand why I was the only one who saw it. Why didn’t his family and friends see it too? I knew why Kyle didn’t see it. He was too far gone into the drugs himself to care about anybody else.
Landon had lost weight, his cheeks were sunken in, he nodded off in the middle of conversations, and he rarely shaved anymore. It was like he just didn’t care. He was out all hours of the night and didn’t sleep much at all unless, of course, he was mid-conversation.
I was so angry at him for doing this to himself and for making me go through it too. I loved him so much, and the last thing I wanted to do was let him go. What would happen to him if I weren’t there to watch him? But what good was I doing watching him die? I was so conflicted. I didn’t know what to do. I wanted Landon, but I didn’t want the life he was living. I wanted a normal relationship, one in which I didn’t have to worry about walking into a room and finding him dead; or watch him withdraw all night long, kicking his legs all over the place in his sleep; or wonder if he were sitting in jail or the morgue because he wasn’t home at two in the morning. Confused or not, I knew what I needed to do. I had to give him an ultimatum again. But that was like the worst word ever to use with an addict. Addicts don’t like to be told what to do, and usually they won’t make the choice you want them to make.
It was late Saturday morning. Mother and Lizzie had already headed out to do some shopping and go to the movies to see a matinee, so I knew they would be gone for the day. I knew Landon was home alone. Mrs. Whitman and Emily had left early to do some shopping in Columbus and stay overnight. Sure must have been nice to shop the way those two did! Emily skipped school all the time to go shopping.
I decided I would head to the house and see if I could find Landon. I was sure he was still sleeping, sick as he’d been the night before. It was time for us to have a talk even though I knew he wouldn’t be very cooperative since he was dope-sick. I knocked on the back door, but no one answered. I waited a few minutes before I went inside. I yelled for Landon several times but didn’t get an answer. I searched his room, the bathroom, and the basement. I couldn’t find him. I decided I would go out to the garage. If his car was gone, then I’d know he wasn’t home.
Wow—how was I going to do this? I was afraid I was going to lose my nerve. Whenever I saw him, part of my anger faded to sadness and I could never seem to say what was really on my mind. I really needed to stand my ground this time. I couldn’t live like this and neither could he. He wouldn’t live like this; he would end up dead. All the books say addicts end up in one of three places if they don’t get help: in jail, in an institution, or dead.
I’d prayed so many times that Landon would get caught by the cops. Maybe then his parents would find out and a court would force him into getting help. His parents I could tell, but the cops, never. I couldn’t do that to him. I might have prayed for it, but I wouldn’t be the one to do it. So that left the other two options, and neither of them was desirable.
I had to confront Landon and let him know that if he didn’t tell his parents, I would. Did that make me a snitch? I didn’t want to be a snitch, but Landon’s life meant more to me than my reputation. Would his mother even believe me? She didn’t like me at all. I would never forget the way she’d looked at me the day I’d arrived here, like I was some piece of trash.
The first thing I saw when I walked into the garage was Landon’s Mustang, and the second thing I saw was Landon passed out in the driver’s seat of the car. I’d heard him pull out of the driveway not long after I’d lain down, but I had no idea what time he’d come back. He was out of control.
My heart felt like it was going to jump out of my chest. I suddenly knew what the expression “blood boiling” meant, because I could feel it. It was like I was a volcano on the verge of erupting. Every part of my body felt like it was on fire. I stormed over to the car and said Landon’s name. He didn’t budge. I said it a little louder. Nothing. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. Oh no! No tears. I would not let them make me look weak. I was sticking to my guns.
I looked around the garage for something to use to bang on the car and I spotted a baseball bat. I went over and got the bat from the corner, but as I was approaching the car, I tripped over an extension cord and landed right behind the Mustang. The bat flew out of my hand and crashed through Landon’s rear windshield. Landon came out of that car screaming!
“What the hell are you doing?”
I raised myself off the ground and said, “Trying to wake you up.”
“By busting out my windshield? Nice, Jane. Looks like you succeeded. I’m awake now.”
He was furious.
“I tripped. I didn’t intentionally bust out your windshield. I’m sorry; I’ll pay for it.”
I shouldn’t have said that. I should have let him think I’d done it on purpose. Maybe then he would have understood how upset I was.
“You tripped? Well, how did that bat end up in my backseat then?”
“I grabbed the bat to make some noise,” I explained. “I tripped over this freaking extension cord and the bat flew out of my hands. I couldn’t get you to wake up.”
“What was I supposed to think?” he shot back. “I figured you were pissed because I didn’t go in the house after you went in last night. You’re always mad at me anymore, Jane.”
“I am mad, and don’t give me some crap excuse that you’re tired or sick ag
ain,” I yelled. “I’m not buying it this time. I know you left again after I went into the house last night. Normal people don’t fall asleep in the garage. They can usually make it to their bed. I think you were too wasted to make it in the house, Landon. What did you do after I left you last night? You were supposed to go in the house. Did you really think I wouldn’t hear you pull out of the driveway at five this morning? It must have been a good ride, because evidently you found your fix.”
It was time for me to hold back nothing. Time to not worry about making him mad and instead to tell him the straight-up truth, whether it hurt him or not.
“Oh, whatever, Jane, here we go again. Is this going to be another lecture on how I’m killing myself? Let’s hear it from the addiction expert. This is really getting old, you know? Didn’t I just hear all this last night? Why can’t you accept that I have this all under control and there’s nothing to worry about? I would think you’d be thanking me after I saved your little butt last night. What the hell were you thinking going there? I’m the one who should be pissed. You should have never been there last night.”
Landon was walking closer to me.
I took a few steps closer to him so I was right in his face. This was my life he was messing with, and it was time for me to speak my mind.
“That’s crazy stuff you’ve got yourself into,” I told him. “Those people are nuts. I agree: I was a complete idiot for going there. But I was so worried about you. I’m pretty sure that explosion had something to do with a meth lab. How can you associate yourself with that kind of crap, Landon? Who knows what Uncle Mac would have done to me last night.”
He stuck his finger right in my face.
“Jane, you don’t peek into a dope dealer’s windows. You could have been killed. You’re lucky there was an explosion, because I don’t know if I could have gotten either one of us out otherwise. I’ll be surprised if Mac doesn’t come looking for us.”
I was shaking. Did he really not get it?
“See, that’s just it, Landon. You don’t understand that I would risk my own life to save yours. I would march right up to an army of drug dealers. Was it stupid? Hell yes, it was stupid, but I would do anything for you.”
Opiate Jane Page 14
