by Vivian Wood
A full-grown mountain lion lies in wait, its eyes trained on us.
My whole body locks up. I struggle to even draw a breath. Right away I am shaking and my heart is going a million miles per hour.
“Fuck. I see you, buddy!” Grayson calls to the cat.
“Are you fucking crazy!?” I hiss to him.
He grabs me by the arm and begins to slowly back away from the clearing. “I see you. I respect you. But you don't come near us, or we are going to have a big problem.”
My eyes are trained on the mountain lion. I’m sweating bullets and shaking. I feel like Grayson and I are both about to die and he is crazy for not acting like I am. As we back into the trees, the big cat stands up and growls. I want to turn tail and run, but Grayson just keeps talking loudly and backing away uphill.
It seems that the mountain lion has better things to do than to stalk us. At some point Grayson finally turns to face the other way. We hike as fast as we can back up the ridge. When we crest it, the last rays of sunlight are slipping from the horizon.
“Shit,” Grayson mutters. “We are out of time. We have to build a fire and stay close to it.”
I squint at him. “What do you mean? The mountain lion is gone.”
“Nah. They like to stalk their prey. They have been known to follow people for an hour or more. Our best chance is to stick together and look like we’re too big for the cat to take down by itself.”
“Okay…” I make a face. “What does that mean, exactly?”
He drops his backpack and rummages around inside, pulling out the tarps again. “First order of business is to make a shelter out of these tarps. If we do it right, we should be able to build our fire inside and still have a place to lie down too.”
“Tell me what to do.”
He squints. “Start piling rocks and sand for a fire pit. Any small sticks that you see are great for kindling. I’ll start grabbing tree branches to make a circle around us.”
I drop my pack and set to work. In the time that I am able to pile rocks and scrape together some kindling to start a fire, Grayson builds a shelter around me using tree branches and tarps. He leaves the top open so that when he starts the fire, the smoke and ash mostly blow away into the rapidly cooling night.
Without a real place to cook, I resort to eating fruit and trail mix for dinner. I’m sick of it, honestly, but Grayson doesn’t seem to mind. Tending the little fire, he finally sits down and relaxes.
That tells me to relax. My muscles loosen a bit. We both pull our sleeping bags out and sit on them. I pick through a bag of trail mix, eating mostly raisins and cashews. It’s only then that I realize how exhausted I am.
“I’m tired. Like more tired than I thought I could be.”
Grayson looks at me and gives me a half-smile. “Yeah. Today was pretty nuts.”
“I think today was the first day that it really hit me that you’re a park ranger.”
His eyebrows rise. “What gave it away?”
I roll my eyes. “No, really. Like… it didn’t seem like today was the first time that you’ve seen a mountain lion.”
He chuckles. “No, it wasn’t.”
I lean toward him, wanting to be close to him. I’m bone tired, almost too exhausted to stay awake, but my body still aches for his.
“How did you learn the walking backwards and the talking to them?” I murmur.
“Uhhh… I think I read about it in a pamphlet my first week in Whiskey Bend. Nate was my ranger trainer and he loves pamphlets.”
I smile at that. “Yeah, I have noticed that he does love paper.”
We are silent for some time. Grayson stirs the fire, adding a few extra sticks to it. The heat of the fire feels nice on my face. My eyes grow heavy and I yawn.
“Do you think you’ll be able to sleep?” I ask him.
He shifts in his sleeping bag. “Eventually, yes. I just want to watch for an hour or so to make sure that mountain lion found something better to do. Go ahead and close your eyes, though.”
I yawn again. “You sure?”
His mouth curves up in a smile. “As sure as I can be. I have about an hour of silent meditation to do anyway. Go to sleep. I’ll see you in the morning.”
He brushes a few stray strands of hair back behind my ear, making me smile sleepily.
I snuggle down in my sleeping bag, closing my eyes. It’s a little weird having Grayson awake and watching me, but I’m too tired to argue with him. I drift off quickly toward a night of dreamless sleep.
Chapter Thirty-One
Grayson
I try to spend the day meditating while I hike. Walking west toward the coast is breathtaking, all green pines and blue skies. I think about Rachel and how she is right beside me.
I want her body, I’m sure of that much. But her soul seems wrapped up in that bargain. When I think of having both, it seems like too much to ask. Of her, yes. But also of myself.
Then again, there is some buried part of me that loves to fix things for her. And if what I fix is her shattered heart, then so much the better… right?
After a night of too much personal reflection, I feel that meditation calls to me. But I can’t go as fast as I want to go with Rachel tagging along. And apparently she is inquisitive today too.
“Do you mind if I ask you some questions?”
I turn back to look at Rachel, casting a jaundiced eye over her. “About what?”
She huffs out a breath. “About your… ummm… treatment. For your PTSD and stuff.”
I face forward again, wanting to say no. I don't want anyone poking around in my barely closed wounds, much less Rachel. I still want to fuck her. I don't want anything to get in the way of that, especially not her feeling sorry for me.
But there is a little part of me that wants… I don't know, to be less guarded with everyone. I know I can’t keep the entire world out all the time. It’s too hard. Talking about my friends when they aren’t here seems wrong to boot. But what am I supposed to do, just act like an IED never blew up and killed them?
That wouldn’t even make sense and it’s damned near disrespectful to their memories. So I just sigh.
“All right.”
“Okay. Thanks. Let me just figure out what I want to ask, exactly.” It takes her a minute to arrange her thoughts in the right order. “When you first got home, where did the Navy send you? A VA hospital?”
I exhale, taking my time to answer. “My injuries were light. I tore a ligament in my shoulder called the rotator cuff. I had a sprained ankle. And a concussion. When I was first hurt, I was flown out to a Naval hospital in Naples. I don't actually remember much of that because the docs gave me the good painkillers. But then they brought me home to the states. I bounced around a little from Virginia to New York.”
“Ahh.” Another half-minute passes. “And how did you get admitted to a psych ward? You told Aiden some… stuff?”
I suck in a breath. “I had some suicidal ideations, which are like ideas of how I would hurt myself. And they only got more intense as time went on. So… yeah. I was medically discharged from the Navy, but still seeing doctors at the VA.”
I pause, trying to find the words for the next bit. It feels like I’m poking around in wounds that are barely scabbed over, but I push through. Rachel, for her part, just hikes behind me without saying a single word. I don't know how she knows that is what I need, but she does somehow.
I start again.
“Eventually I realized that it isn’t normal to wake up every day dreading having those thoughts. I sort of had a mini-breakdown in front of Aiden. And he called one my doctors at the VA. Before I knew it, I was on my way to a psychiatric hospital. And I stayed in those… well, I got admitted and released a few times. I moved from hospital to hospital, but they are essentially all the same… and I spent a year of my life there.”
It feels so strange to talk about my time like this. As if it wasn’t the most painful thing I’ll ever experience. But at the same time, it is good
to air things out a little. I started with my psychiatrists and with Aiden, but this is the next step.
I look over my shoulder to find Rachel gnawing on her lower lip. “I’m sorry, Grayson.”
All I can do is shrug. “That past is the past.”
“Do you mind if I ask about… like…” She pauses, clearly struggling. “You said that you saw some guys in your unit die. Do you think you could tell me about them?”
I stop walking. Rachel stops too. I don't look at her. I can’t. So I just stare up at the treetops, just where they brush the blue skyline.
Breathe. Just breathe.
“I… I’m going to need to think about that one for a while.”
I still can’t look at her. Her touch on my arm is light. “It’s okay. Just keep on hiking.”
So I do. I hike most of the rest of the day in silence. The tree line begins to fall away behind us and the ground flattens under our feet. It looks more and more coastal. The soil turns sandy.
I pause just as the sun begins to sink in the sky. “Do you smell that?”
Turning my head, I watch Rachel as she lifts her chin. “Mm. It smells… salty. Like the ocean.” She pauses, cocking her head. “I might just be crazy, but I think I can hear it too.”
“Yep. We are going just fifteen minutes up the shore. There is another ranger station up there.”
“Good. I didn’t want to say anything, but I’m still tired from last night.”
I shoot her a look. “Alright. We’d better get you to a place where you can rest, then.”
We both trudge the last little bit of distance. Underfoot, the sand grows less densely packed, more like tiny dunes. When we come around one big cluster of trees, I spot the ranger hut just up ahead, tucked neatly between sand and trees. It’s definitely small, but at least it has a roof for Rachel to sleep under.
“Is that the place?” she asks.
“Yep.”
“Oh, thank god.” She rushes over to the hut, opening the door. She sticks her head in and then pulls it back out, wrinkling her nose. “I honestly don't know what I expected. It’s just a mostly empty room.”
Slinging my backpack down, I smile. “There should be a styrofoam cooler in there, though. You know what that means.”
“Food?” she asks hopefully.
“Exactly. If you grab the cooler, I will make a fire out here.”
We go through the motions of setting up the fire and cooking dinner, which turns out to be chicken tacos. As the sun sets and we munch on the tacos, it feels soothing. Like it’s a routine that we’ve been through a thousand times before. I cook, she cleans up after dinner.
I glance at her as she puts the dishes away. “Hey. Wanna see something amazing? I promise, you won’t have to even put on shoes.”
Rachel laughs. “You have got me pegged, don't you?”
“Come on.” I lead her down the beach, straying from the tree line. We both splash our feet in the icy cold water, laughing.
The land beneath the trees suddenly begins to rise, shooting high all of the sudden. We turn a corner and it’s there, just ahead of us.
The Tree of Life.
The ground under the tree has been eroded. Above the land, the tree rises, as green as ever. Below, the roots are exposed, framed by the earth on both sides.
“That is… amazing,” Rachel says. She strides toward the tree.
I look at how much bigger the tree is than her. It makes her look tiny, or at least tinier. For some reason, seeing it reminds me that she’s so fucking fragile. I move forward to where she’s standing, studying the tree. Leaning over, I catch her small hand in my large one.
My heart starts to thud in my chest. She doesn’t even seem to notice that I’m holding her hand.
“Isn’t it beautiful?” she marvels.
“Gorgeous,” I say. But I’m not looking at the tree. I’m just looking at her. Remembering how it feels to have a piece of my heart cut from my flesh and just wandering around with her, wherever she goes.
I’m bleeding already, and we have only been together for a few weeks. What am I going to do when it’s time for her to leave?
Afterward we sit by the fire, both of us sort of worn out by the day. I look at Rachel, the last rays of sunset framing her face beautifully, and I know a deep moment of aching. I want something more than just to bury my hands in her hair, to pull her close so I can kiss her.
I don't know what more is though and I definitely don't know how to get it.
So I pull her in and kiss her. I tell myself that I will have to be satisfied with pulling moans from her lips as we fuck, languid and lazy and still scorching hot.
In the afterglow, with the fire before us dying, I lay beside her, sucking her scent into my lungs. She sighs so sweetly, nuzzling back against me. I would do anything she asked just now. Anything.
Still, my words surprise me as much as they do her. “I’ll tell you about Tillson and Danvers now, if you still want me to.”
She turns her head to look at me. “Yeah?”
I can’t manage more than a nod. “Mhm.”
Rachel takes my hand. “I would like that, Gray.”
Gray. My heart seizes just hearing that word from her lips. I exhale forcefully, silently telling my heart to slow down.
“Tillson… John Tillson, I mean. He was a year younger than me. He was from Kentucky. He was a farm boy through and through. He was…” I pause, my breath hitching. “Everything was funny to him. He was just one of the most honest, most humble people.”
It is ripping my guts out to talk about him. To talk about what happened. My eyes mist over and I scrub a hand across my face. “He was my best friend in the Navy.”
Rachel turns over and hugs me but doesn’t say anything. I suck in another breath.
“Miguel Danvers was…” My voice breaks a little. “He has two children, Matteo and Elisa. He has a wife, Roberta. I met her a year ago. She’s the nicest person.” Another breath, then I push myself to finish. “He was stern and no nonsense. He was paired with us because he joined the military sort of late. I think… I think if I hadn’t gotten us blown up, he would’ve been promoted out of there pretty quickly.”
She lays her hand on my chest, directly over my heart. “I know that you already know this, but it wasn’t your fault.”
I close my eyes, forcing myself to master my emotions. It’s hard to bring them to heel, but I have to do it. “Can we change the subject?”
She’s quiet for a beat. “Of course. Maybe you can tell me about where we are going next?”
Relaxing a little bit, I let go of a breath I didn’t realize I had been holding on to. “Sure.”
Rachel kisses me, little more than a peck on the lips, and then hops up. “I’m going to get a map.”
I watch her dig through her pack, sucking my lower lip in through my teeth. I have this feeling, reminiscent of the way that I used to feel.
What is that flip flopping of my heart in my chest, as speedy as a jack rabbit?
Before I can examine it too closely, I stuff it down and make myself stare at her figure instead.
Chapter Thirty-Two
Rachel
The next few days fly by in a flurry of collecting samples and hiking around the western part of the park. After we are done exploring the coast, I follow Grayson toward the southern tip of the Olympic Park. It seems so normal now to watch the back of his head as we hike, to wonder what is going on inside his skull.
When we hit Lake Quinault, a large lake with several big roads that lead to the outside world, we stop at a ranger station. This one is much larger than the ones we stayed in at the last couple of places. As there is a visitor’s center here, it’s got a permanent ranger posting and everything. Plus there are actual amenities, like wireless internet, electricity, and a clean guest cabin to stay in.
As soon as I drop my backpack on the cabin’s floor, I lie facedown on the bed. It feels so good to lie on, like being on a fluffy cloud. I’m not going
to lie, I moan a little, feeling downright spoiled for a minute.
“Is it that good?”
I open my eyes to see a very bemused looking Grayson standing in the doorway. His arms are wrapped across his chest and there is a twinkle in his eye.
“Yes. I almost forgot how amazing just being on a bed could feel.”
He comes over, looking at my body suggestively. “I could think of a couple other things that feel pretty amazing.”
My lips curve upward. I crane my neck backward to see his face. “Yeah?”
“Mhm.” Grayson puts his hand on my ass, shaping it. Then he trails his touch downward, between my legs. I close my eyes and push against his touch.
He raises a brow. “You are bad.”
“Wanna show me how bad?” I ask, wiggling my ass against his hand.
He laughs. “Yes. Without a question. But…”
“But what? You are a mystery to me, Grayson.”
He grins. “Sex will have to wait a little while. I promised Jonah I would help him move a fallen tree. Raincheck, though?”
“Who’s Jonah?” I ask, momentarily thrown.
“The ranger.” He rolls his eyes. “He introduced himself when we got here. You need to do a better job listening.”
I shoot him a glare. “Fine. I’ll just relax by myself, I guess.”
“You do that. Oh, and you can probably get phone signal here. Jonah was very excited about that. I guess they just built a tower nearby or something. Big news for the Lake Quinalt ranger station.”
I chuckle at that. Grayson heads out of the cabin, leaving me to spend another few minutes lounging on the bed. Then I get up, figuring that I might as well go ahead and check my phone.
After digging my phone and its charger out of my backpack, I plug the whole thing in and let it charge for a minute. Then I turn it on and browse through my emails and texts. One email chain in particular catches my attention. It was sent to me and half a dozen other Civicore employees making decisions in the geology department.
