by Erin Bevan
The Party Crasher
Novella
Erin Bevan
Edited by
Lacey Thacker
Cover Art by
Angela Haddon
Erin Bevan
Chapter 1
“What do you mean the bunnies are humping?” Kit O’Hare asked into her cellphone as she swiveled herself around to face the rabbit pen across the grassy lawn of the park. Anna, her very pregnant assistant, waved her arm in the air and pointed to the cage, as though in the five minutes it had taken Kit to walk from one side of the park to the other, she’d forgotten where she’d placed the horny bunnies. Kit had strictly instructed the manager at the pet store, no male bunnies. None. The last thing she needed was Peter trying to stick his carrot into another little cottontail with the entire two-year-old population of Stony Brook as its witness.
Damn, this was a mess.
“I’ll be right there.” Kit slid her phone into her pocket and ran across the lawn, hurling plastic Easter eggs all over the ground in her haste to right this wrong. In thirty minutes, an audience of half the town would fill every green space this park had available. And within that group would be antsy children ready for the egg hunt and her boss, or who she hoped would be her boss, Mayor Fuller.
The mayor’s wife, Regina Dudley Carpenter-Fuller, didn’t make any qualms about voicing her opinion that the job of City Event Coordinator should go to town local—and her niece—May Flowers. May, known for allowing as many men to board her as the actual Mayflower itself, had a reputation that preceded her in Stony Brook and the surrounding towns. Despite May’s cabin door always being wide open, she happened to do it with just the right amount of Southern charm and good connections that she had the reputation of a seductress versus a hussy.
Kit, a nonlocal Stony Brook-en, walked a fine tight rope without a balancing pole trying to land this job, but it was a circus act she was willing to perform. Not willing. Had to perform. Kit needed a job and bad.
Breathless, she ran up to the bunny pen. Before she could look down, she asked, “Which one is the culprit?”
Anna pointed.
Kit followed her coworker’s finger. The fattest rabbit in the whole lot perched on top of a poor, frail girl bunny, performing his magic tricks. After ten seconds of what appeared to be a furry seizure, the boy fell over into the fetal position, like he’d just drained the nectar that kept him alive into the frail one. The girl rabbit just lay there, obviously unimpressed by the hare’s less than stellar act of love making.
“This has been going on the entire time it took you to run over here. He’s gone at it at least five times by now.” Anna scratched her oversized belly. If the woman’s stomach grew anymore, Kit thought Anna’s own litter might spit right out onto the park lawn.
“Hey, hey. What do we have here?” Juan, one of the city’s employees, stepped over to the cage and stared down at the furry porn in sheer amazement. “Puts a whole new meaning to the phrase humping like a bunch of rabbits, doesn’t it?”
“I can barely handle birthing two babies. I feel sorry for that little bunny right there.” Anna patted her belly. “Once these guys get out of me, I’m never letting Robert touch me again.” Kit’s pregnant sidekick kept rubbing her double-the-fun sized belly, while she too, stared at the bunny show. Both Anna’s and Juan’s eyes grew wider as if they’d never seen a bunch of rabid animals mating before.
Don’t they Google?
Kit snapped her fingers in front of their faces. “Guys, this is a nightmare. This egg hunt is going to commence in thirty minutes and there is no way we can have playmates on the lawn. Juan, please call the store owner and tell him to get this gigolo out of here. Now. And speaking of bunnies, where the hell is the Easter Bunny? He was supposed to show up ten minutes ago.” Kit’s heart raced as she stared at her phone. No texts. No missed calls. Nothing from Eddie the Happiest Easter Bunny Around.
“Oh, señorita, I don’t think Eddie is going to make it today,” Juan said as if it was no big deal. “My bud, Harry, told me Eddie got soused at Jack’s last night, and from what Harry said, Eddie wasn’t a very happy guy. He fell face-first in the community nut bowl. They had to drag him into a taxi.”
No. This could not be happening. Deep breaths. Deep breaths.
“Who is Harry?” And why should I believe him? Kit narrowed her gaze.
“Oh, he’s my pal from high school. He works at Jack’s. Said Eddie is a regular, but apparently, he got dumped last night. His girl decided to go for Santa instead. Said she liked men who knew how to fill a stocking.”
Eww.
Her look must have been one of confusion instead of repulsion because Juan felt the need to continue. “You know, she wants a man who can fill her basket with more than just some rotten eggs.”
Anna covered her mouth with her hand.
“Juan, I got it. I got it.” Kit lifted her hand in the air. “You can stop now.”
“I just wanted to make sure you understood, señorita.”
“Thanks.” She gave him a tight smile. Were people in Stony Brook stoned? Is that how the town got its name? Who was that girlfriend going to chase after next, the St. Patrick’s Day elf? Did she want a pot of gold to go with the man?
Well, a pot of gold wouldn’t be so bad.
Now, she thought like a crazy person, and she didn’t have time to think nutty.
Kit closed her eyes and took in a deep breath.
Humping rabbits. No Easter bunny. And a disturbing roar rumbled overhead. Let’s add rain to the mix. Giant, gray, I-want-to-piss-on-you storm clouds that literally appeared out of thin-freaking-air rolled her direction. She hadn’t planned on tents for the food tables. She hadn’t planned on rain. And neither had every weather app she’d looked at for the past three weeks.
This party was turning out to be a crazy shit-storm of spectacularly messed up events.
Focus, Kit. One tragedy at a time.
“Okay, so now we need a bunny—and fast. Got any ideas?” She stared hopelessly at her coworkers.
“Well, there is a bunny costume back at City Hall.” Anna beamed a smile like she had just saved the whole town of Stony Brook from an Easter catastrophe. Maybe she had. “It hasn’t been used in a few years,” she continued, “but it could work.”
It could work. A costume. Great.
“Yes. Good.” Kit pointed at Anna then tapped a finger to her lip. “Now we just need a bunny.” Kit stared at Anna then trailed her gaze to the woman’s incredibly large stomach. Despite how big the costume was, there was no way Anna was getting her big belly inside that outfit, and even if she could, the woman would overheat in two minutes flat. Kit stared at Juan. “What about you? Can you be the Easter bunny?”
Juan backed up with his hands in front of him. “Oh, no, no, señorita. I’m allergic to certain fabrics. I start breaking out in hives. Besides, city don’t pay me enough to be a bunny.”
Shit.
Kit pulled her phone out of her pocket and stared. Twenty-five minutes until this party started, and undoubtedly the mayor and his unsupportive-of-Kit-having-this-job wife would show up any second. The basket in her hand still held at least fifty eggs she needed to hide in plain sight, and city workers meandered all over the place setting up tables, chairs, and food.
You have to keep this job, Kit. You need this job.
Bills didn’t pay themselves, and neither did Daddy.
She listened to the voice in her head and did what anyone desperate for a paycheck would do—decide to become the Easter Bunny.
“Okay, Juan, call the pet store, get this boy bunny out of here before everyone shows up, and run to City Hall. Grab the bunny costume for me please, will ya?”
“S
ure.” Juan stopped backing up and nodded. “What’s your plan?”
“I’ll just be the bunny.”
“You?” He laughed.
“Yes. Me. Why are you laughing?” She placed her hands on her hips, and when she did, a few eggs inside the basket she still held spilt to the ground.
Good. A few less she would have to throw.
“Uh… are you sure about that, Kit?” Anna fanned herself with a clipboard. “Don’t you need to oversee the party?”
Of course she needed to oversee the party. But she also knew this event had to be perfect. Ab-so-freaking-lutely perfect if she were going to keep this job, and since she was hired on a probationary period for the time being, she had to do it.
“It’ll be fine. Seriously. I have you. If anything goes wrong, just pull me over to the side and I can assist.”
“How? You can’t take the bunny costume off in front of the kids.”
“Well…” Kit recited the schedule of events in her mind. The Easter Bunny only had to show up for twenty minutes during the egg hunt. Surely, nothing would go wrong in twenty minutes. Then… there were pictures. But she could get a break in between.
One thing at a time, Kit.
“It’s only for a little bit. You’ll just have to be the one to lead the event until after the egg hunt, then I’ll discreetly sneak behind some trees and shed the bunny costume and come right back to my post. Can you handle that?”
“Yeah. Sure. But you’re forgetting the pictures.”
No, she hadn’t forgotten. She just didn’t want to think about it.
“You let me worry about that, okay?”
“Okay,” Anna said before she gave a little hurmph noise of pain then rounded her back, squishing her swollen gut, if such a thing could be squished.
“Are you okay?” Kit slid the basket up her arm like a purse, held out her hand to help steady Anna, then rubbed the pregnant woman’s tight back with her other hand.
“Fine.” Anna squeezed her eyes closed and took in a few deep breaths. “Just Braxton Hicks contractions is all.”
Braxton Hicks? She hoped that’s all it was. “Here.” Kit led Anna over to a chair a town employee had placed at one of the long tables.
At least that task had been executed smoothly. She took joy in the small victories.
“Why don’t you sit down while I finish with these eggs?”
“Okay, sure.” Anna ungracefully spread her legs wide and reached for the back of the chair, allowing the swell of her gut to fall in between her parted limbs as she sat. The woman stared at her stomach, then immediately glanced back at Kit, giant tears welling in her eyes.
Oh no. Not the hormones. Not now.
“Anna, what’s wrong?” Kit bent down to one knee.
“It’ll never be the same again.” Anna snorted.
“What? What won’t?” Kit stared around, looking for anyone, someone who could help. Five men, all city employees, stared back at her then at Anna, their gazes terrified, as though the thought of comforting a pregnant woman was scarier than facing Floyd Mayweather.
“My stomach,” Anna bellowed. “I used to could see my feet, and now, I can’t even see my twat. And look.” She pointed to a very swollen foot. “I’m not even wearing real shoes. I’m wearing flip-flops because it’s the only thing I can get my fat feet into. I used to could see my anklebones. Now all I see is cankles. Cankles,” Anna cried and snorted a very un-lady like snort then proceeded to use the sleeve of her shirt to wipe her nose.
Now, Kit understood why the men backed away.
“Oh, Anna, here.” Kit grabbed a paper towel from one of the rolls in the center of the table. They did not have time for this, but Kit couldn’t imagine what Anna felt. The woman, the same age as her, had so much more going for her than Kit did. A husband, two babies on the way, a steady job. A rush of jealousy scorched through Kit as she handed Anna the tissue, while an equal dose of sympathy for her coworker drowned the negativity inside of her.
“Anna, you’re beautiful. Your hair is glowing, and you eat so healthy, you’ll have your body back in no time, just as soon as these two boys come out.” Kit placed a hand to Anna’s stomach. One rough kick greeted Kit’s palm. She hastily pulled her hand back, the sensation scaring her.
How does one survive with little humans kicking inside you all day?
“You think?” Anna wiped her nose and glanced back at Kit, her blue eyes glossy, but shining again with an ounce of hope.
This woman needed her right now, and more than that, she needed to hear stretched truths. Lots of them.
“Of course I do. And no matter what, you are beautiful either way.” That part wasn’t a stretch. “Robert is very lucky to have you as his wife.” And neither was that one. In the short time Kit had worked with Anna, it seemed the lady took care of her husband’s every need, from laundry to food and everything in between.
“Yeah.” Anna nodded. “I guess he is pretty lucky.” The woman took a deep breath.
Keep boosting her confidence. You need her. “Of course he is.”
“But we haven’t had sex in a month.”
Too much.
Kit had heard of a thing called mommy brain. Apparently, babies took a part of their mother’s ability to think straight before they were born. Kit would agree that maybe Anna had lost a bit of her sense during this pregnancy. Then again, she hadn’t known the woman before to know any better. She could only hope this proved true, for Anna’s sake.
“Sex isn’t everything. You and Robert are about to bring two beautiful babies into the world. There’ll be plenty of time for sex later, and besides, you just said he was never touching you again.” Kit pointed to the area where they’d been standing when Anna made the comment.
“Oh.” Anna giggled.
Giggling was good.
“I guess I did, but I was just lying.”
Still more than Kit needed to know. She had to get this mom-to-be back on what mattered, the party, and out of the pit of motherhood despair.
“Anna, right now I really need you. I need you to sit here and relax for a few more minutes before this party starts. Okay? You’re going to have to speak into the microphone and start the egg hunt.”
“The microphone. Oh no.” Anna shook her head vehemently. “I can’t do that. I’m terribly shy.”
Shy? The woman who just told her she hadn’t had sex in a month was shy? Kit took in another deep breath, her head now spinning. This woman was as unpredictable as the weather. Kit could feel her balance wavering on that imaginary tightrope. If Anna didn’t want to cooperate, Kit would fall to an ugly, jobless death.
“Anna, please. All you have to do is welcome everyone to the First Annual Easter Egg Hunt and say ‘go.’ Okay? That’s really all I need from you.” And to pass out the prizes at the end of the hunt, but Kit didn’t go that far. The woman appeared as though she might pass out from fear. “Can you handle that? Please? I really need your help here.”
Anna nodded. “I can. For you, I will, Kit. I like you, and the thought of working with May has me nervous. That woman likes to get her claws into any man she can. I went to high school with her, and that fancy college education of hers hasn’t changed her one bit. If she dares try to make a move on my Robert, I’ll kick her with my fat cankle.” Her pregnant coworker turned from a blubbering mess to a grizzly in a matter of two seconds flat.
“Thatta girl, Anna. Use that confidence when you hold the microphone. Now, I’m going to finish these eggs, then it’ll be time to get started, okay?” Kit stood. The sound of car doors closing in the distance had her turn her head. Mayor Fuller and his wife had arrived. The woman wore a pink dress that hugged her belly so tight she looked like nothing less than one of the eggs Kit held in her basket.
Her heart pummeled, and an overwhelming urge to barf from the adrenaline soaring through her danced in her stomach. Mrs. Fuller immediately gazed around her surroundings, her nose stuck high in the air in distaste, while Mayor Fuller held a ha
ppy smile.
“Kit,” Mayor Fuller called out. “Everything looks great.” He stared down at the bunny pen as he walked closer. Jack Rabbit still went at it, this time with another bunny. The mayor pointed. “Is he doing what I think he’s doing?”
“Oh, dear Lord.” Regina held a hand to her mouth, obvious distaste marring her features. “How inappropriate.”
“Yes.” Kit stepped in front of the rabbits. “The pet owner has been called and he is on his way to remove the male. Apparently there was a mistake in the delivery.”
“I’ll say. Look at that.” Mayor Fuller leaned around Kit to get a better look at the show. An amused smile split the man’s face in half. “As long as it’s taken care of before the kids arrive.”
“Yes, sir.” Kit nodded, pleased she wasn’t fired. She gripped her imaginary balance bar a little tighter.
“And when is this person coming to take this thing away?” Regina flicked her hand toward the bunny like she shooed away a fly.
“Right now.” An overweight man, wearing a khaki shirt and navy pants, reached into the pen as soon as the boy bunny finished his deed for what was probably the twentieth time. “I’m sorry about that, ma’am.” The pet worker glanced to Kit. “I checked all the bunnies’ parts myself. His was just so small, I must have missed it.” The man held the bunny high in the air, inspecting the rabbit. “Yep, pretty small, all right.”
Regina let out an exaggerated uh noise.
At least that explained why the girl bunnies didn’t seem so impressed.
A roll of thunder caused everyone to stare up to the sky and away from the bunnies.
“And what if it rains?” Mrs. Fuller asked. “No tents?”
Kit cringed inside, and continued to stare up at the sky, the clouds swelling as fast as Anna’s belly. “We will just hope for the best.” Kit gave her a tight smile.
“Hope?” Mrs. Fuller stared to the sky again then stared at her husband.
“You know, it’s supposed to get pretty nasty later this afternoon,” Animal Guy said.
