by Gina Azzi
“Now you’re just talking crazy.”
“How are things between you guys?”
“Interesting.”
“Descriptive.” She huffs, widening her eyes at me.
“We kissed.”
“What! When? And how come you didn’t tell me?”
“I was saving it to see your reaction.”
“And?”
“I expected more surprise.” I raise my eyebrows until Sierra re-enacts her surprise, this time with a full-on gasp and a hand to her forehead. “Much better.”
“So, when did you kiss?”
“On Wednesday.”
“Ooh, tell me it was at the office? Like a secret liaison or something scandalous?”
“I think things are only scandalous when they’re forbidden. Finn and I are both single,
consenting adults.”
“Boring. Stop stalling and give me details.”
“It was…intense. God, he’s really an incredible kisser and –”
Sierra holds up a hand, cutting me off. “Not those kind of deets. We’re related,
remember?”
“It was overwhelming and passionate and then he pulled away and said ‘we can’t.’”
Sierra scrunches her nose, her eyes sympathetic. “I’m sorry. You okay?”
“Yeah. I mean, I played the whole thing off totally cool. You would have been proud of me. And I am okay. I just, I like him. But at the same time, I can’t wait around for him.”
“Exactly. Do you.”
“My Year of No Fear.”
“You’re killing it.”
I roll my eyes. “However, I did drunk dial him last night and I know he tucked me into bed. And yet, I have no recollection of what I said or if I threw myself at him.”
Sierra winces although a grin curls her lips. “I miss these.”
“What?”
“These funny, ridiculous, totally over-analyzing what’s going on with a guy, conversations. I’m boring now. About to be married and preggo.” She points to her baby bump.
“How’s the peanut?” I ask, using Sierra’s term of endearment for her baby girl.
“Doing really well.”
“Ah, well, at least you’ve got stability.”
“It’s overrated.” She jokes. “Just kidding. I can’t wait to marry Den.”
“I know.”
“So, when are you going to see Finn again?”
“At 6PM. Your mom invited us all over for dinner. He’s picking me up. So we can talk.” I add unnecessary air quotes around “talk” and Sierra smirks.
“Look at Finlay being all mature and wanting to discuss his feelings.”
“Shut it. What should I say?”
“Honestly? I think you should outright ask him what happened last night. And just be yourself, Dais. This is your Year of No Fear and all that. If you want to be with Finn, tell him that. And if not, don’t wait around. Trust me, there are tons of Scottish guys in Edinburgh who would love to date you.”
“So, be honest?”
“Look at you, growing up before my very eyes.” Sierra pretends to wipe away a tear.
“What if it’s just a hook-up? Like a constant series of this one step forward, two steps back limbo where we kiss or hook-up and then…nothing.”
“Does that work for you?” My best friend asks seriously. She raises her left eyebrow, leaning closer to the screen. I wish I could do that, lift only one eyebrow and look mysterious. The closest I’ve ever gotten was when applying mascara and then I almost took my eye out. So, no go. “Well?” she prompts.
“I don’t know. I’m twenty-three-years-old and just moved to a new country for a new career. Shouldn’t I be putting myself out there? Having exciting experiences and living in the moment? Finn keeps acting like we can’t get together because he doesn’t do relationships and I need some serious commitment, but I never said anything about a relationship with promises of forever. I don’t know why he thinks I need that.”
“Because he actually knows you.” My best friend points out. “And you do need the commitment, or at least the monogamy if not the promises of forever.”
Damn that monogamy. I shake my head, “Do I? I’m tired of being boring, safe, blah Daisy. I’m trying to live my best life over here, fearlessly.”
“Okay.” Sierra says slowly.
“Why should I wait around for Finn to make a move, when he may never, when I can at least have fun with him now?”
Sierra bites her lip, considering my words. “I hear what you’re saying, Dais. And I love that you’re being bold and throwing caution to the wind. But you aren’t exactly a serial dater. Or a one-night stand kind of girl. You’ve had two serious relationships and you thought you were going to marry both of them.”
I flick my fingers at her. “That was before. Now, I’m growing up. I can’t wait around for the one to trip and fall in love with me.”
“See? Only people who want things like promises of forever say the one.”
I snort and Sierra offers me a grin.
“You think it’s a bad idea?” I ask, seriously, my bravado faltering at my best friend’s lackluster response.
Sierra ponders this for a few seconds before shaking her head. “No, I don’t think it’s a bad idea and I get where you’re coming from. I just don’t want you to end up hurt.”
“Why would I end up hurt? I’m the one putting myself out there. On my own terms.”
“You’re right. I just, you’re my best friend. It’s my job to look out for you.”
“Fair enough. And, as your MOH, it’s my job to make sure you’re wedding planning is on schedule. Any new updates?” I change the subject, not wanting to discuss my confusing no-status, no-label, non-relationship with Finn anymore.
“I think I found my dress.” She grins, bouncing around as she lifts her index finger. “One second, I’m sending you a photo.”
A moment later, my phone vibrates with the incoming image and I open it, my breath halting in my throat. “Oh, Sierra, it’s beautiful.”
“Right?” she asks, telling me all about the fit and designer.
Snuggling deeper into my pillows, I listen to my best friend chatter about her wedding as we share various photos from Pinterest. It’s really going to be a beautiful celebration of commitment and love.
I manage a shower by 5PM and I’ll admit, I feel much better. Running a comb through my hair, I use my hand to wipe off some of the condensation on the mirror. Staring at my reflection, I’m relieved I don’t look all peely-wally as Cameron says.
Tonight, I’m heading to Jenni and James’s house for dinner and aim to not look like a hungover crackhead. Big goals happening over here.
My phone chimes with a text and my heart sputters in my chest when Finn’s name flashes across the screen.
Finn: Hey, I’m leaving in thirty. See you soon.
Shit, my face turns peely-wally. What the hell did I say to Finn last night?
Me: Okay, see you.
Steeling my shoulders, I resolve to look my best tonight. If I embarrassed myself last night, and I’m pretty sure I did, then I’d at least better look hot tonight when it all comes crashing down. Setting to work, I blow out my hair, apply my makeup carefully, and dress in a pair of skinny jeans, a cream sweater, and boots.
Melanie: Seriously? You’re not going to tell me what happened with Finlay?
Me: Ahh! I don’t even know what happened because I’m too hungover to remember anything.
Melanie: So you don’t know if you hooked up?
Me: We didn’t hook up. I think I may have said something though…
Melanie: Oh, shit.
Me: I know. I feel so stupid.
Melanie: Don’t. Drunken words, sober thoughts, and all that.
Melanie: I’m still in bed. Surrounded by water bottles and cold pizza.
Me: That’s disgusting. And, I’m jealous. Finn’s coming to pick me up…so we can “talk.”
Melanie: Ouch. Let me
know how it goes.
Me: XO
By 6PM, I’m pacing back and forth in front of the door, my stomach in knots, waiting for Finn. Since wringing my hands and second-guessing everything isn’t my style, I force myself to leave my apartment for the first time today and walk to a bakery on Comely Bank Road for some treats to bring to Jenni’s. The fresh air calms my nerves, soothes my hangover, and wakes me up.
By the time I return, Finn’s car is parked in my driveway, his frame settled against the driver side door. His arms are crossed against his chest, his feet at the ankles. He grins when he sees me, a playful, boyish grin that forces me to smile back even as my stomach plummets to my toes.
“Hey there.” I call out, lifting the plastic bag in my hand with the bakery’s logo on it. “I’ve got a peace offering.”
“I didn’t realize we were at war.” He walks around to the passenger side of the car and opens the door for me.
I step up beside him, caged between the car and the door. “I’m not sure what we are.”
“Why’s that?”
I squint an eye at him, tilting my head, “Last night’s still a little fuzzy.”
“Just a wee bit?” he holds up his thumb and pointer finger and spaces them an inch apart.
“Something like that.”
He rakes his teeth over his bottom lip, his eyes flaring with a heat I hold onto. “Hop in. We’ll talk on the way to Uncle James’s.”
I sigh, giving him a searching look.
“It’s not bad.” He reassures me. “It’s just… complicated.”
“Isn’t it always?” I slide into the passenger seat and Finn closes the door behind me. Once we’re buckled in, he eases out of my driveway and turns toward his aunt and uncle’s house.
Silence stretches between us for several seconds before it feels heavy and restrictive. Not able to stand it any longer I blurt out, “Did I throw myself at you?”
Finn bursts out laughing, looking over at me. “What? No.”
“Oh, thank God.” I breathe out, relief washing over me even as my cheeks burn at the question I posed.
“Daisy, you didn’t do anything bad or embarrassing. At all. I’m glad you called me.”
I quirk an eyebrow. “Really? You like being woken in the middle of the night by drunk girls?” I ask his profile as he flips on his turn signal and makes a right.
He chuckles, reaching over to squeeze my thigh. “It’s no big deal. You’re twenty-three. You’re supposed to go out with your friends and have too many drinks. Besides, I’d rather you call me for a ride than get in a car with someone random. Or someone whose been drinking. Then, I’d be worried.”
“Worried?”
“About you.”
“Hm.” I remark noncommittally even though his words alleviate some of my embarrassment about last night. “So, you picked me up and drove me home?”
“I did.”
“And nothing happened.”
His neck swivels toward me so quickly I’m scared he gave himself whiplash. “Of course nothing happened. What kind of a man do you think I am, Dais? You were half-passed out.”
“No, no.” I shake my head, lifting a hand to cut him off, my embarrassment surging back. “I meant nothing happened like I didn’t say or do anything humiliating?”
His shoulders relax slightly at my words, but his jaw is still tight. “You said something.”
I wince, waiting for it.
“You asked me why I don’t want you.”
Oh God. Why? Why is this my life? Of course I asked him that. Of course I don’t even remember it. If I didn’t feel two inches tall, I’d laugh at my own misery.
“Which is shit.” Finn continues and I reluctantly lift my head at the exasperation in his tone. “You really think I don’t want you?”
“Uh, seriously? Do you remember Christmas?”
“Yeah, Daisy. I said we couldn’t hook up, not that I don’t want to. Or don’t want you.” His voice is sharp, his shoulders bunching in frustration once more.
“Huh?” Super articulate, I know.
“Daisy, we work together. You’re my cousin’s best friend. You’re starting your career, on the brink of a new adventure, in a new city. You have your entire future before you to meet the right guy. He’s not me. I don’t do relationships or complications. And everything between us is complicated.”
I open my mouth, the question I’ve wanted to ask since Christmas on the tip of my tongue, wanting to burst forth. Live fearlessly. “Why don’t you date and do relationships?”
Finn winces, shifting his weight in the driver’s seat and peering at me from the corner of his eye. “I’ve dated one woman seriously in my life. One. And it didn’t work out. In fact it imploded.” He shakes his head, his knuckles turning white from his grip on the steering wheel. “A serious relationship, with commitment and planning for the future, it’s not what I want. Besides, what older couples do you even know that are happy?”
“Uh,” I widen my eyes at him, leaning forward in my seat to make sure he can see me from his peripheral vision. “Jenni and James. The people whose house we’re going to for dinner.”
“It’s their second marriage.” He waves a hand dismissively as I sit and stare at him in shock.
“Do you not believe in…marriage?” I ask boldly, surprised by the turn of our conversation.
Finn sighs again, a hand coming up and rubbing down the length of his face like he’s agitated. Maybe he is. “I don’t know.” He says quieter than I expected. So quiet that I lean closer once more. “I guess I believe in it conceptually. I mean, I know people fall in love and get married. I just wonder how happy they are as the years wear on.”
“Wear on? Finn, that is the most cynical thing I’ve ever heard.”
He shrugs.
“What happened with your ex-girlfriend?” I ask, noting his death grip on the steering
wheel, the muscle under his right eye that twitches once. Twice.
“It’s not worth getting into. It just, it didn’t work out. She cheated and –”
“She cheated on you?” I interrupt, outraged on Finn’s behalf. Who the hell would cheat on him?
“It was a long time ago. I was young, naïve. The way things ended between us made me re-think my priorities.”
“Like marriage?” I clarify.
He doesn’t respond, keeping his eyes glued to the windshield.
“Well, I believe in marriage. And love. And planning for the future. If someone shouldn’t, it’s me, with the way my dad practically left my mom after she was diagnosed with cancer. And then left again, letting my brothers raise me after she passed. But I still believe in it; I still want it.” The fervor behind my words causes my voice to shake with emotion that surprises me. It’s too honest, too real, and I feel my own vulnerability bleed out of me. No wonder Finn thinks I’m too young, impulsive.
He cuts his gaze to me, a sad look crossing his face. “I know you do. I’m glad you do. I’ve known it since before Christmas. That’s why I put the brakes on between us over the holidays. I said, ‘we can’t do this.’ I never said I didn’t want you. Think about it, Daisy. I never want to hurt you, I’ve been trying to protect you. Jesus,” Finn chuckles but the sound lacks humor, “Daisy, I’m so damn attracted to you, it messes with my head. But I’m not twenty-three, I’m not going out clubbing, and beginning some new adventure. I’m not like Dennis.”
“Dennis?” I ask, confused. “What does he have to do with this?”
Finn tips his chin up. “Or Cameron. My point is, we’re in two different places in our lives. I’m trying to do right by you, Dais, but you’re making it bloody difficult.”
I bite down on my tongue, turning to look out the window. I wasn’t expecting Finn’s honesty or his directness. His words play on a loop in my mind. I never want to hurt you, I’ve been trying to protect you. I’m trying to do right by you, Dais, but you’re making it bloody difficult. The longer I consider his explanation, his reasoning, the m
ore agitated I become. Does he think I can’t look out for myself? That he somehow knows what I want better than I do?
“You never asked me.” I murmur quietly.
“What?”
“You never asked me what I want.” I explain as Finn pulls into Jenni and James’s driveway and flips off the ignition.
I hear his sharp intake of breath, but I don’t turn my head. “What do you want, Dais?”
I shift in my seat and look at him over my shoulder. “You.” I say simply, opening my car door and slipping out before Finn can respond, before I can register the surprise on his face.
10
Finn
When I enter Uncle James and Aunt Jenni’s home after Daisy, I barely notice the incredible aroma wafting from the kitchen. I’m too focused on clearing the air between Daisy and me. For a guy who shies away from complicated entanglements, I find myself constantly caught up in one with her. Right now, the tumultuous feelings and recklessness that was once exciting and daring with Cassie, returns. Except this time, the unresolved conversation between Daisy and I is more unsettling than exciting.
Instead of feeling like I did right by Daisy, like I’ve been looking out for her all along, I feel foolish for assuming that she would eventually want the future and the fairytale. With me. A bit arrogant there, Finn.
Now, she’s rushed off to avoid talking to me and I hate all of the lingering tension between us.
“Daisy, wait.” I reach out to her as she stands off to the side, slipping off her boots and unbuttoning her coat.
“Not now, Finn. Let’s enjoy dinner, okay?” she looks up at me with pleading eyes.
“Okay,” I agree, willing to deal with the awkwardness if postponing our conversation puts her at ease during dinner.
“Am I the last to arrive?” Aaron announces, walking through the front door and unwrapping the scarf around his neck.
“Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!” Olivia bounds around the corner, rushing her father at full speed. He catches her easily, a genuine smile crossing his face, as he hugs her tightly.
“Hey there, little love. Did you have fun with Aunt Jenni?” he asks, his hand holding the back of her head as she rests her cheek on his shoulder and lets him hold her a moment, the way she did when she was three.
