The Adventures of Catvinkle

by Elliot Perlman

  ‘Did you hear that?’ Catvinkle asked Ula.

  ‘Should we go and find out if they’re okay?’ asked Ula. ‘I love human children,’ she said excitedly.

  ‘I love human children too. But before we go, there’s one thing we need to agree on first.’

  ‘What’s that?’ asked Ula.

  ‘Sometimes the only way to find things out from humans is to talk to them. You can’t sniff and be sniffed because their noses don’t smell very well. They can’t sniff tails. They don’t even have tails, poor things. So you just have to talk to them. Are you willing to let them know we can talk?’

  ‘How about this for an idea,’ suggested Ula. ‘We’ll go and look and sniff the children and then we’ll be able to tell if they’re nice. If they are nice, we can let them know we can talk. What do you think, Catvinkle?’

  ‘Good idea, Ulee.’

  So they went out to investigate and sniff and they found it was Anja and Ferdi, the two children who had come with their aunt to have their hair cut. The children were very happy to see them and took it in turns to pat Catvinkle and Ula. In fact, they patted Catvinkle and Ula so nicely that Catvinkle decided to speak to them.

  ‘Were you crying?’ asked Catvinkle.

  ‘Ferdi was,’ said Anja, and then she shook her head as though to wake herself up. Wait a minute! It sounded to her as though the cat with the thick white whiskers and the big red bow tied around her tail had just asked her a question.

  ‘Ferdi, did you hear what I heard?’ Anja asked.

  ‘It sounded as if Catvinkle talked,’ said Ferdi in amazement.

  ‘I did! I did! You can ask Ula,’ said Catvinkle.

  ‘She really did,’ said Ula.

  The children couldn’t believe their eyes or their ears. ‘Surely cats and dogs don’t talk?’ the children asked the two animals in front of them.

  ‘We do talk,’ explained Catvinkle. ‘We talk all the time, but humans almost never pay us any attention.’

  ‘It’s true,’ added Ula. ‘No offence, but most humans are so busy worrying about themselves that they hardly ever give a thought to other animals who might be talking to them, often with very interesting things to say.’

  ‘Yes,’ agreed Catvinkle, ‘but to be fair to the humans, we only ever try to talk to special humans who seem friendly, kind and calm, and who smell nice.’

  ‘You two seem very nice and you smell a bit like Mr Sabatini,’ said Ula.

  ‘Hey, that’s true!’ said Catvinkle, pleasantly surprised at her dog friend’s powers of observation. ‘What a powerful snout you have, Ulee.’ Then, turning to the children, she added, ‘It might be because he’s just given you each a haircut. His paws would have been all over you.’

  The children looked at each other, still completely stunned to find that the lovely cat and dog they had wanted to pat in Mr Sabatini’s hair salon earlier were now talking to them and to each other.

  ‘So, at first I thought I heard crying and then very soon after I thought I heard laughing. Am I right?’ asked Ula.

  ‘Yes,’ said Anja. ‘Ferdi was crying because we’ve been trying to be so brave while our parents are away for work. We’ve been staying with our aunt, who is nice, but we’ve been missing our parents terribly and we hadn’t cried at all, neither of us.’

  ‘But then,’ continued Ferdi, ‘we lost our favourite toy and it was too much for me to bear. It was a toy Mum and Dad gave us and we loved playing with it. They had given it special powers. It was like magic.’

  ‘What was it?’ asked Ula.

  ‘It won’t sound very special when I tell you about it but it is,’ said Ferdi. ‘It’s just a rubber ball. It’s made of clear rubber but it’s colourful in the middle where it sort of sparks in flashes that look like bolts of lightning when it bounces or hits anything.’

  ‘It always seemed that it was shooting sparks of our parents’ love as we played with it, and it helped us to feel they were with us while they are away for work, but now it’s gone,’ said Anja.

  ‘Hmmm … this is very sad, too sad to bear, even if we’re not any of us actually bears,’ said Catvinkle. ‘We will help you to find your ball, won’t we, Ulee?’

  ‘Yes,’ said Ula, ‘we will help you.’

  ‘We like helping,’ said Catvinkle. ‘Especially Ulee. I’m not saying I don’t like helping because I do, but Ulee likes helping even more than I do.’

  ‘Do you think so?’ asked Ula.

  ‘Oh yes, definitely more than me.’

  ‘Gee, Catvinkle, I had no idea I liked helping more than you do.’

  ‘No point hiding it, Ulee, you’re quite the helping kind. I could learn a lot from you when it comes to helping.’

  Catvinkle suggested to the children that they not mention any of this to their aunt. ‘No offence to your aunt but her hair reminded me of a beehive even before she asked to have it styled like one.’

  ‘Oh yes, I see what you mean,’ agreed Ula.

  ‘If she were to give any shelter to bees in her hair it could be very bad for us,’ said Catvinkle.

  ‘Oh, I don’t think she would ever do that,’ said Anja.

  ‘No, not our aunt. She really means well,’ added Ferdi.

  ‘Maybe,’ said Catvinkle, ‘but with hair like that – all tall and honeycomb-like – well, we don’t really feel we should trust her with our secrets.’

  ‘Did you say “secrets”?’ asked Ula.

  ‘Shh! Never mind our secrets, Ulee. Now, Anja and Ferdi, you’ve told us what your ball looked like but do you know where you lost it?’

  ‘Can it be lost if they know where it is?’ asked Ula.

  ‘Not sure. Good question, Ulee, let’s ask them and see,’ said Catvinkle.

  Ferdi and Anja explained that they did know where their ball was but they were afraid to go and get it.

  ‘Do you believe in ghosts?’ asked Ferdi.

  ‘Well, I’m a cat and, as you probably know, we cats have nine lives, so I kind of have to believe in ghosts. We’re brought up that way from the time we’re kittens but I’m perfectly comfortable talking to people and animals who don’t believe in ghosts. Why do you ask?’

  ‘Well, we don’t really believe in ghosts but we’ve heard people describe the house where the ball got lost as being the big old ghost house way down the end of Herring Street with the big scary grey dog. I don’t actually know why they call it a ghost house. It’s not run-down or anything. The really scary thing about it is the big grey dog. Do you know the house we mean?’

  ‘I know that dog!’ said Catvinkle. ‘His name is Grayston. I hate that dog! He’s so scary I sometimes have to go out of my way to Kittens Anonymous just to avoid him. Some say his bark is worse than his bite, which means his bite must be absolutely terrible because his bark makes my chest all tense and achy. I even practise not thinking about him because I don’t want to accidentally think about him when I’m not ready.’

  ‘That might be the big scary dog that chased me when I was trying to get back to the house where I used to live! I sure hope not,’ said Ula. She was starting to look a little worried.

  ‘The real reason the house is so scary is because of that dog. Without the dog it would just be a big old house and I quite like a lot of old houses,’ said Anja.

  ‘Ferdi and Anja, I have a question, if you don’t mind,’ said Catvinkle.

  ‘Yes?’ said Ferdi.

  ‘Well, we heard you crying and now we know it was over losing the special ball your parents gave you. But then we heard you laughing quite suddenly. What made you laugh like that?’

  ‘We saw what seemed to be you kissing Ula’s snout,’ said Anja. ‘It was very funny!’

  ‘I was going for the salmon!’ Catvinkle protested.

  ‘We don’t care,’ said Ferdi.

  ‘Neither do I,’ said Ula.

  ‘But Ulee, tell them about the salmon, how I was going for the salmon!’

  ‘Catvinkle was going for the salmon,’ said Ula in an attempt to bac
k up her friend.

  ‘Well, it was a beautiful thing to see,’ said Anja.

  ‘Of course,’ said Catvinkle. ‘Salmon is always a beautiful thing.’

  ‘Can you really help us get our special ball back?’ asked Ferdi.

  Catvinkle promised them that she and Ula would get their special ball back, and the children went back into the salon. Now, though, both children were happy. They were going to get their special ball back from the big scary grey dog, and on top of this, they had enjoyed their first ever conversation with a cat and a dog.

  All of this made Catvinkle happy too. Looking into the salon, she saw Mr Sabatini saying goodbye to the aunt and the children.

  ‘Ulee, come and look at the aunt’s hair. It is a beehive, all right. It’s not Mr Sabatini’s fault, I’m sure. She probably asked for something stinging insects would be happy to live in. Some people are like that. You ever met one of those people, Ulee?’

  ‘Catvinkle,’ said Ula with slight worry in her voice, ‘do you mind if I change the subject for a moment?’

  ‘I was going for the salmon!!!’ Catvinkle said.

  ‘No, it’s not about that. You know how you promised Anja and Ferdi we’d get their special ball back, the one their parents gave them, from the big scary grey dog, Grayston?’

  ‘Yes?’ said Catvinkle.

  ‘How are we going to do that?’ asked Ula.

  ‘Well, knowing how much you like helping people, I knew you’d try really hard to get the children’s ball back to make them happy. That’s why I was so confident when I offered to help them.’

  ‘What part do you think you’ll play?’ asked Ula.

  ‘Planning, Ulee. I’ll be in charge of planning and thinking about the whole thing from start to finish. I won’t stop thinking about the whole thing until you’ve got the ball safely back,’ said Catvinkle.

  ‘Catvinkle,’ asked Ula, ‘why are you doing the planning and thinking and I’m the one going to see the big scary grey dog to get the ball back?’

  ‘It’s a good question, Ulee.’

  ‘Thank you. You’re too kind,’ said Ula.

  ‘Don’t mention it. What was the question again?’

  ‘Why are you doing the planning and thinking and I’m the one actually going to get the ball back?’ Ula asked again.

  ‘Well, first,’ said Catvinkle, ‘I already thought of the idea of us making the children happy by getting the ball for them. This means that when it comes to thinking about it, I was way ahead of you. You’d probably never catch up, especially if I don’t stop thinking about it, which I won’t. I didn’t want you to feel like a stupid dog, so I took responsibility for the planning and thinking to spare your feelings. You can thank me later.

  ‘Second, I’m absolutely terrified of Grayston, the big scary grey dog. Just thinking about him makes my fur stand on end, and nobody thinks I look very attractive when my fur stands on end.

  ‘Third, I have to practise my baby-shoe dancing for the competition if I’m to win my title back again. I know you really want me to win, and I don’t want to let you down. I’ve got your interests at heart yet again.

  ‘Fourth – and this is important – you’re a dog, no offence. I mean, as much as I like you and admire your musky smell, you’re a dog and Grayston’s a dog. You will talk to him and you will be able to make him see reason, dog to dog. But I’m a cat and he would chase me and bark at me and I don’t even want to think about what else he might do.

  ‘So, there you have it. After all that explaining I could really use some musk. Do you mind if I just climb atop your back for a while?’ Catvinkle jumped up, flopped down on Ula’s back and gently sniffed her fur.

  ‘But Catvinkle,’ said Ula, ‘I’m scared of Grayston too! Just because I’m a dog doesn’t mean he’s going to like me or that I’ll like him.’

  ‘Really?’ asked Catvinkle.

  ‘Yes! Remember, I told you I was chased by a big scary dog? Some dogs are nice and friendly but some are awful and scary. Aren’t there cats you don’t like?’

  ‘Oh yes, Twinkiepaws, I really don’t like her. I don’t even like looking at her. She thinks she’s the best dancer in the whole of Kittendom. I hope she coughs on her own fur balls. I had a dream once where I jumped on her tail.’

  ‘Gee, that’s not very nice,’ said Ula.

  ‘I know, but I only dreamed it. I didn’t actually do it so I’m still a very nice cat with impeccable manners. You can’t peck my manners. No one can. They’re impeccable. Why can’t Twinkiepaws see how lovely I am and quit baby-shoe dancing altogether and let me win first prize in the competition again?’ Catvinkle stopped, slightly out of breath. ‘Sorry, Ulee, I got a little carried away. I take your point. You’re scared of Grayston too. I’ll admit, that is a problem. You promised the children you’d help them. So … what are you going to do?’ Catvinkle asked her friend.

  ‘I think I’m going to need the help of my cousin, Lobbus,’ said Ula.

  ‘Is Lobbus a Dalmatian too?’ asked Catvinkle. ‘I only ask because I’m interested in your family. It has nothing to do with musk.’

  ‘No, Lobbus is a Russian wolfhound. He’s very clever, and he gives good advice because he’s travelled around so much and seen so much of the world. And he has a charming Russian accent. He’s also very brave. In fact, you may know of him by his full name, “Lobbus the brave dog Lobbus”?’

  ‘No, I can’t say I know him by that name either,’ said Catvinkle. ‘Clever, gives good advice and with a charming Russian accent, also very brave. You didn’t really say anything about musk. Does he, for example, smell musky?’

  ‘It’s hard for me to say,’ said Ula. ‘I can’t even smell my own musk.’

  ‘Oh yes, that’s right,’ said Catvinkle. ‘It’s one of the great sadnesses of nature.’

  The next day, Ula visited her cousin, Lobbus the brave dog Lobbus, who lived in a house by the canal on Prince Street or, as the humans called it, Prinsengracht.

  The two dogs were very happy to see each other and barked little barks of happiness and sniffed each other’s tails, going round and round in a circle for quite a few minutes. Then, somewhat out of breath, they sat down in front of the house where Lobbus lived and looked out at the passing boats as they floated along the beautiful canal. Lobbus offered Ula some water from his water bowl.

  ‘Ula, my dear cousin, how good it is to see you again. What is your news?’

  So Ula told her cousin, Lobbus the brave dog Lobbus, all that had happened from the time she came back from Puppies Anonymous and found her painted house all closed up, about getting chased by the big scary grey dog that was probably Grayston, and then about getting caught in the rain twice and not being able to shake off the wet dog smell that the humans at the front desks of hotels didn’t like.

  ‘What are you talking about? You smell great, as good as always,’ said Lobbus, reassuringly, before adding, ‘And I just spent five minutes going round in circles smelling your tail! So I’m very up to date on this matter.’

  Ula continued with her story, telling Lobbus how kind Mr Sabatini had been, how she ended up in a room with Catvinkle, who seemed to have become her friend, and how she now found herself preparing to go to the home of a big scary grey dog in order to help Anja and Ferdi get their favourite ball back.

  ‘Wait a minute, you said this new friend, Catvinkle, is a cat, yes?’ asked Lobbus.

  ‘Yes, she’s a cat,’ said Ula.

  ‘Are you sure you can trust her?’

  ‘Well, she seems very nice,’ said Ula.

  ‘A cat who seems very nice,’ said Lobbus, more to himself than to Ula as they continued to look at the canal. ‘Ula, you know me, I’ve met a lot of animals in my many travels over the years, and I’ve always found that it’s helpful to try to get along with them. I once shared a train carriage with a llama. He had some business in Vladivostok – one of his children wanted a position in their zoo. This llama – Roy Llama was his name, and still is – said to his son
, “No, not Vladivostok Zoo until I can check it out for you.” I admired his love for his children and told him so. We shared a water bowl and talked for hours into the night. A delightful fellow! At the end we sniffed tails and told each other we’d try to keep in touch. And we have. In fact, I’m due to be meeting Roy Llama tomorrow to play backgammon.’

  ‘Really?’ asked Ula.

  ‘Yes, and that’s not the most amazing part. This is the same Roy Llama who helped me trace some of our family tree. It turns out – if you go back far enough – we’re distantly related to a llama on your mother’s side.’

  ‘Wow!’ said Ula with excitement.

  ‘So you see I’m open-minded to many animals. But,’ said Lobbus with some concern in his voice, ‘this Catvinkle is a cat. She volunteered you to help the children, she’s not going to be there, and now you have to go to see Grayston all by yourself?’

  ‘But Catvinkle told the children I wanted to help them and it’s true. I do like helping.’

  ‘You were always a good dog, loving and trusting, right from the time you were a puppy. But perhaps you’ve been too trusting this time. I hate to say this and to make you doubt your new friend, but this Catvinkle is a cat. And we are dogs.’

  ‘Lobbus, what should I do? Will you help me? Will you come with me to help me get the children’s ball?’

  Lobbus thought for a moment and then said, ‘Oh, Ula, I sniff your tail, I share water and snacks with you, I share great news about our family’s connection to llamas, but this magic ball business has me worried. Are you sure it’s not a cat trick that could get us both into trouble at the paws of another dog, and then Catvinkle will have her room back all to herself?’

  Ula thought about this. It was a horrible thought. After a moment she came to the conclusion that she had to be brave and trust her heart.

  ‘She really is my friend, Lobbus. She’s even told me her secrets.’

  ‘Secrets! What secrets?’ asked Lobbus.

  ‘She has three secrets.’

  ‘Really, what are they?’