The Adventures of Catvinkle

by Elliot Perlman

  ‘I’m sure they like your running around,’ said Ula.

  ‘No, they want me to be more like you.’

  ‘Like me?’ said Ula, quite astonished.

  ‘Yes, they want me to be happy and friendly, not grumpy and scary. Most of all, they want me to be the kind of dog that human children like Anja and Ferdi would want to play with,’ Grayston said.

  ‘So I came looking for Lobbus to help me find you, so you could teach me how to be that kind of dog,’ he continued. ‘I know it will be hard. I’m an old dog and you’d have to teach me some new tricks. But I’ll try really hard, I promise. I didn’t know where you lived so I thought I’d ask Lobbus. But I couldn’t find him either – only this other Russian wolfhound who looks and sounds exactly like him and knows exactly how he thinks and feels about everything.’

  ‘I will help you, Grayston. It would be my pleasure,’ said Ula. ‘And I know I could get Anja and Ferdi to come to play with your puppies. They always want to play with dogs and even a certain cat.’

  Ula looked back in the direction of Vondelpark. ‘But right now I have to help my friend Catvinkle. She’s in trouble. She told all the other cats at Kittens Anonymous that I was a cat disguised as a dog. But they didn’t believe her and now she’s all alone with some terribly mean cats. I, too, came looking for advice from Lobbus.’

  ‘Well, I don’t know where Lobbus is,’ said Grayston, ‘but you can ask this dog who looks like Lobbus for advice. He’s a complete expert in Lobbus. It’s almost like he is Lobbus. He knows what Lobbus would say about any matter under the sun – and probably what he would say at night too.’

  Grayston paused. ‘Hey! Wait a minute,’ he said. ‘Is your friend a cat?’

  ‘Yes,’ said Ula.

  ‘Why are you wasting your time on a cat?’ asked Grayston.

  ‘I know this cat, Catvinkle,’ said Lobbus. ‘She is a good cat; loyal, brave and true. Okay, not true. Actually, she lies quite a lot. But still I think she’s a good cat.’

  ‘A good cat!’ said Grayston. ‘When I was growing up, no one ever told me there was such a thing as a good cat. This is a new world for me. Suddenly we’re talking about cats and saying they’re good!’

  ‘Lobbus, what should I do?’ Ula asked her cousin.

  ‘You should go back to help your friend Catvinkle at this important time for her.’

  ‘It’s not Lobbus,’ Grayston told Ula. ‘It only looks and sounds like him.’

  ‘But all the other cats there think I’m a dog,’ said Ula to Lobbus.

  ‘Tell them you are a dog. Admit it. Why not? You have nothing to be ashamed of. Dogs are wonderful. We’re furry, fun, brave, good with children … well, most of us are.’ Lobbus tried not to look at Grayston. ‘Humans love us. Most animals think very highly of us. If these cats don’t like dogs, it’s their problem. As long as you’re not boastful, you should be proud of who you are.’

  Lobbus walked over to Ula. ‘I’m going to whisper some words into your ear. Remember them, and if you get frightened just say them to yourself.’

  Ula leaned in towards him and Lobbus whispered these words into her ear. ‘Be strong and of good courage!’

  ‘Be strong and of good courage! Be strong and of good courage!’ Ula whispered to herself. ‘I’ll try to be strong and of good courage but …’ She paused.

  ‘But what, dear Ula?’ asked Lobbus.

  ‘Well,’ said Ula, ‘perhaps it would be a bit easier if some dogs could come to Vondelpark near to where the cats and kittens are having the baby-shoe dancing competition at Kittens Anonymous. It might help me to be strong and of good courage.’

  ‘Baby-shoe dancing? Cats and kittens? Kittens Anonymous? I don’t understand what the world’s coming to,’ said Grayston.

  ‘I will try to muster up some support dogs just in case you need backup,’ said Lobbus, ‘but it may take a little time. A lot of dogs would still be at work now. You might have to take care of things on your own for a while. You can do it, Ula. I know you can. Remember,’ Lobbus added, ‘I’ve known you since you were a puppy just earning your spots, so I know you very well, dear cousin.’

  Ula nodded, took a deep breath and turned around to go back to Vondelpark, to where Catvinkle was facing the disbelief of many of the other cats at Kittens Anonymous. Lobbus, Roy Llama and Grayston watched her as she went.

  ‘Wow, that’s one brave dog!’ said Grayston.

  ‘Yes,’ said Lobbus, ‘and she manages to be brave without scaring children. Do you see?’

  ‘Yes, that’s right,’ said Grayston. ‘She could be a great teacher for me.’

  ‘Lobbus, do you think we’ll be playing backgammon soon?’ asked Roy Llama.

  ‘This is not Lobbus,’ said Grayston. ‘How many times do I have to tell you? It just looks like him.’

  When Ula got back to Vondelpark, Catvinkle was standing on a rock, still trying to convince the other cats that her friend really was the famous singing cat, Ketzington, disguised as a dog to avoid fans and unwanted attention.

  ‘It’s Ketzington, I tell you, and you made her run away. That’s so rude of you!’

  ‘Catvinkle,’ asked Twinkiepaws, ‘really, how stupid do you think we are?’

  ‘Well, it varies from cat to cat, naturally,’ said Catvinkle. ‘You, I think, are very stupid. Schrodinger, not at all.’

  Just as Catvinkle was saying this, she saw Ula getting closer. Ula could tell that Catvinkle was nervous that all the other cats were going to find out for sure that Ula was really a dog, not a famous kitten singing star from New York. The rose-ringed parakeets with their bright green feathers sat as still as they could be on the branches high above, watching the whole thing.

  Catvinkle didn’t have much time. She had to get to Ula before her new friend did or said anything that might make things worse.

  ‘Excuse me a moment, won’t you?’ she said to the crowd of waiting cats and kittens. ‘I think Ketzington is coming back and she probably wants to speak to me privately. We’re very close, you know.’ Then she climbed down from the rock she had been standing on and started walking away from them towards Ketzington – who, of course, wasn’t really Ketzington but Ula.

  All the cats watched as the two friends stood talking quietly under a tree.

  ‘Okay,’ said Catvinkle almost in a whisper to Ula’s ear, ‘a lot of these cats definitely don’t believe me. But I think I’ve still got some of them thinking you’re Ketzington. The important thing, Ulee, is to keep cool, look completely unafraid, and never, ever admit that you’re not really Ketzington. We’ve got to keep this up. Don’t take off your dog suit, whatever you do.’

  ‘I’m not wearing a dog suit, I really am a dog. Remember?’ said Ula.

  ‘Oh yeah,’ said Catvinkle, ‘it gets so confusing, doesn’t it?’

  ‘Not if you tell the truth,’ Ula began. She wanted to tell Catvinkle about Lobbus’s suggestion that Ula should admit she was a dog.

  But Catvinkle didn’t seem to be listening. ‘Whatever you do, Ulee, never, ever admit that you’re really a dog.’

  ‘Don’t you want these cats and kittens to accept you for who you really are?’ asked Ula.

  ‘No, I’ll be happy if they accept me for who I’m pretending to be. But thanks for asking,’ said Catvinkle in a hurried whisper. She sounded as though she was very sure about this. ‘Ulee, you don’t really understand cats. Some of these cats can be very, very mean. They can make fun of you and try to make other kittens frightened to be your friend.’

  ‘Why should other kittens be frightened to be your friend?’

  ‘Because the mean cats will make them scared that if they’re my friend they won’t have any other cat friends.’

  ‘But then couldn’t you be friends with those cats?’ asked Ula.

  ‘Listen, Ulee, we don’t have much time so I’ll explain this as simply as I can. Everyone wants to be friends with the mean cats. That’s just the way it is.’

  ‘But if they’re mean,’ ask
ed Ula, ‘why would you want to be friends with them?’

  ‘Because,’ said Catvinkle, ‘if you’re friends with the mean cats, you think they won’t be mean to you and that they will pick on someone else.’

  ‘Who will they pick on?’

  ‘I don’t know. They’re always changing it. Sometimes they pick on fluffy cats, sometimes on short-haired cats, sometimes on skinny cats who don’t have enough to eat. Sometimes they pick on cats who’ve been forced by the incredible smell of yummy food to become tubby round the face and tummy areas. You just never know who they’re going to be mean to.’

  ‘That sounds awful,’ said Ula.

  ‘Yeah, it’s tough being a cat. It’s not all lying around in a soft basket by the fire … Although, that is quite a lot of it.’

  ‘I think you should be strong and of good courage,’ said Ula.

  ‘What?! Who told you that?’

  ‘Oh, someone. I forget now,’ said Ula.

  ‘Was that someone your cousin, Lobbus the brave dog Lobbus?’

  ‘Oh, yes, it was Lobbus. That’s right,’ said Ula, pretending that she had only just remembered.

  ‘Well,’ said Catvinkle, ‘Lobbus probably doesn’t know that many cats.’

  ‘Oh, he has friends right throughout the animal world,’ volunteered Ula.

  ‘Ulee,’ said Catvinkle, still very quietly, ‘take a look at that bunch of cats over there staring at us.’

  Ula looked over at them. Some were growing impatient. You could see it in their fur, which stood up a little bit from their bodies. The occasional tail was slightly raised too. And twitching!

  ‘Hmmm … You’re right. Some of them do look a bit mean, Catvinkle.’

  ‘Right,’ said Catvinkle. ‘Trust me, I know them. Some of them are my oldest friends. So whatever you do, don’t tell them the truth.’

  Ula realised she had to make a decision. Should she listen to her new friend Catvinkle, a cat who really did know what cats can be like? Or should she follow the advice of her wise and loving cousin, Lobbus the brave dog Lobbus, who had met a lot of animals over the years and who had told her to be strong and of good courage? How would mean cats react to a dog with courage?

  Catvinkle had started walking back to the waiting cats and kittens.

  ‘Come on, Ulee,’ she turned around to whisper.

  What would Ula do?

  Ula walked back to Catvinkle and the other cats. Everybody, including the rose-ringed parakeets in the branches high above, was focused intently on her.

  Then Ula did what might be the bravest thing she had ever done. She stood in the middle of a whole clowder of cats and kittens and told the truth about herself. Her tail was still hurting from Twinkiepaws jumping on it, and her heart was jumping about wildly inside her chest like freshly caught salmon in a net.

  But she took a deep breath and repeated to herself, just in her head, the words Lobbus had given her as a gift. ‘Be strong and of good courage. Be strong and of good courage.’

  Then she spoke out loud.

  ‘Hello, everyone. Some of you think I’m not really Ketzington the singing kitten disguised as a dog, and you’re right. I’m not a kitten at all. As you might have guessed, I’m a dog. You may wish to gasp.’

  ‘Gasp!’ went almost every kitten there.

  Ula continued. ‘I’m a Dalmatian, to be precise. But the really important thing to tell you is that I’m Catvinkle’s friend. I’m her best friend. She even lets me share her water bowl.’

  ‘Gasp!’ went almost every kitten there again.

  ‘And because we’re friends, I came along to give Catvinkle support and encouragement.’

  Catvinkle smiled at all the other cats and kittens as she quickly made her way to Ula. ‘Ulee, this isn’t good,’ she whispered to her. ‘It’s not going to help. Twinkiepaws is evil and she’ll turn everyone against me. Tell them you’re joking and that really you are Ketzington pretending to be a dog who confesses to not being Ketzington.’

  Catvinkle backed away from Ula, smiling again at all the other cats.

  But Ula went on. ‘My name is Ula. I am Catvinkle’s friend and I’m a dog. Catvinkle thought you wouldn’t like it if she brought a dog here so she asked me to pretend to be Ketzington.’

  Catvinkle slapped one of her front paws against her face. ‘Ulee!’ she whispered. ‘What are you doing?!’

  ‘You’ve never had a dog visit you at Kittens Anonymous, but maybe it’s time to invite some,’ continued Ula. ‘Some dogs, not all, are terrific animals. Just as some cats, but not all, are terrific animals.’

  ‘Kittens!’ called Twinkiepaws. ‘Surely you’re not going to sit here and listen to a speech from a no-good dog?’

  ‘Why am I no good?’ asked Ula.

  ‘You’re a dog!’ answered Twinkiepaws.

  ‘Most other animals get on very well with us. Some even think very highly of us,’ answered Ula. ‘We’ve worked as guide dogs, watch dogs, fire truck dogs, sniffer dogs, guard dogs, sheep dogs, sled dogs, rescue dogs, service dogs, and most importantly, therapy dogs bringing comfort to old, sick or sad people.’

  ‘Oh boy! I think I need a therapy dog,’ said Catvinkle quietly to herself.

  ‘We’ve been doing all this for thousands of years,’ Ula continued. ‘We were among the first animals ever to travel in a rocket to outer space. We can also be extremely cute and have great senses of humour. Think of how many more friends you could have if you allowed dogs into your world. And anyway, are we really so different from cats? If you put a fresh water bowl in front of us, do we not drink? If you put a comfy wicker basket beside a warm fireplace, will we not crawl in and get snuggy?’

  ‘I’ve had just about enough of this,’ snapped Twinkiepaws. ‘This is supposed to be the National Kitten Baby-Shoe Dancing Competition, not a lesson about dogs.’

  Twinkiepaws glared at Catvinkle. ‘For being a dog lover, Catvinkle shouldn’t be allowed to compete in the competition. No one will want to be your friend anymore, Catvinkle.’

  ‘Oh boy, Ulee. I knew this would happen,’ said Catvinkle. ‘Now I don’t have any friends.’

  ‘Yes, that’s right,’ said Twinkiepaws. She stood on a rock triumphantly and called to all the other cats and kittens. ‘Let’s not be her friend. Let’s make it so that Catvinkle does not have one single friend.’

  ‘But she does have a friend. She still has me,’ said Ula.

  Then Ula walked to the top of the rock and Twinkiepaws scampered down, not wanting to be so close to someone who was not only bigger than her but also a dog.

  From the top of the rock, Ula called out, ‘I’m sure some other friends of Catvinkle will make themselves known very soon.’

  ‘Shhh, Ulee,’ whispered Catvinkle from beside the rock. ‘I don’t think so. I don’t think I have any other friends left now.’

  ‘No, you’re wrong there,’ called a voice. ‘You have Ula and you have me.’ It was Lobbus, who had just arrived and had heard nearly everything from behind a tree. ‘I’m your friend, Catvinkle.’

  There was another gasp from all the cats and kittens, who were amazed to see that Catvinkle had another friend who was a dog.

  Ula had asked Lobbus to come, and here he was. He had come through for her and, in turn, he had come through for Catvinkle.

  Then everyone heard another voice. ‘Me too, I’m your friend, Catvinkle,’ said Roy Llama, who decided now that it was time for him too to come out from behind the tree.

  ‘Who are you?’ Catvinkle said, a little confused.

  ‘I’m Roy Llama,’ said the llama who had come to help Lobbus who had come to help Ula who was there to help Catvinkle. The nervous white cat with the big red bow around her tail had all this help and it was all because of Ula.

  Then another, younger voice was heard.

  ‘I’m your friend, Catvinkle,’ said Grace, one of Grayston’s puppies, coming out from behind the tree.

  ‘I’m your friend too, Catvinkle,’ said Graham, standing beside his sis
ter.

  Now everyone could hear somebody pushing someone else out in front of the tree. It was Gram, the third puppy, pushing his dad, Grayston. When the cats and kittens saw big possibly scary Grayston they gasped again and backed away slightly.

  ‘I’m coming, I’m coming,’ whispered Grayston.

  ‘I’m your friend, Catvinkle,’ said the puppy, Gram. ‘Dad, isn’t there something you want to say?’

  ‘But they’re all cats!’ said Grayston. ‘I’d be talking to a whole clowder of cats.’

  ‘Dad!!!’ said Grace, Graham and Gram in unison, which means all at the same time.

  ‘Okay!’ said Grayston. ‘Here goes …’ He shook his head, scarcely able to believe what he was about to say. ‘Gee, I must really love you kids.’

  ‘Dad!’ said Grace, Graham and Gram in unison again.

  Grayston took a deep breath and said, ‘I’m your friend too, Catvinkle.’ His puppies all yelped excitedly when they heard this, which made Grayston feel much better about coming to the aid of a cat.

  It seemed Catvinkle had a lot more friends than anyone had expected. This was such a surprise to Catvinkle, but even more of a surprise was the sudden return of the salty water to her eyes. This time, though, the salty water wasn’t because she was sad or worried. It was because she was so moved with unexpected joy and gratitude by the support Ula had gathered for her from all these other animals. And to think, most of these animals were dogs!

  Catvinkle realised that her new best friend, Ula, might well be more loving, more brave and more honest than any animal she had ever met. She understood now more than ever just how lucky she was that Mr Sabatini had invited Ula to live with them. Could there be a better best friend in all the world? Certainly not one with such great musk.

  Catvinkle quickly rubbed the back of her front paws against her eyes so that no one would see the salty water. Now with the salty water almost entirely gone, she could clearly see all her new friends standing around her with their tails in the air, even Roy Llama’s short one. She was far from alone. What would Twinkiepaws say to this?