by Posey Parks
“Help me,” I howled. The sound that released from my gut was deep rooted pain, grief, and sorrow.
∞
Sunglasses hid the dark circles and red eyes. I stared at the postcard for about ten minutes. Standing on a desolate corner at a blue mailbox, I realized I was a coward. I was a coward when it came to love. Never telling Nadine I loved her, did what? She knew I loved her. I knew I loved her from the first moment I laid eyes on her. Not admitting I loved her verbally isn’t making this easier. I’m still heart broken. I wish I would have told her every day; I loved her. I was so wrapped up in the mechanics of our relationship. You know, me being a hit man and her being a college student studying to become a doctor.
Nadine loved me for who I was within. She didn’t care about the title I held. She wanted me. The anger is mounting. I feel like ripping this mail box off its hinges. Even though my declaration of love comes too late, I still need her to know. I will love her until my last breath.
Pulling the door open, I dropped the postcard inside.
The post card I mailed to her P. O. Box read:
Everything is fine.
I love you Nadine.
Dropping my head on my arm on top of the mailbox, I slammed my fist repeatedly against the side. I stalked off like a vampire trying to beat sunrise. I needed to sulk in my sorrow in my motel room.
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
NADINE
I remembered Cruz banging on Tony’s front door, Sunday morning, jarring me from my sleep. I ran through the house swinging the door open.
“Jesus, Cruz! What?”
He stalked past me into the house. “Nadine, you should sit down.” I slammed the door closed.
I already knew what he was coming to say. I’d been crying all night. Did I have any tears left? I plopped onto the sofa wearing one of Tony’s T-shirts and a pair of my red shorts.
I ran my fingers through my hair. “Spit it out Cruz!”
“There has been an accident.”
I stared at his red face blankly.
“Tony and Dillon were in a car accident.”
I could only stare. No words.
He ran his hands over his head. “The car flew off the cliff…and exploded.”
There it was, the sharpened dagger through my heart. I officially lost Tony. He was never coming back. I rocked back and forth. The tears poured down my dark brown cheeks. “No! No!” I screamed.
Cruz sat next to me pulling me into his arms. “I’m so sorry for your loss Nadine.”
My man is gone. Never returning. Such a fucked-up feeling knowing the only man I ever loved is gone forever. Fuck love! I hate it! Love ain’t shit.
Cruz placed Kleenex in my hands. “Do you want to call Tony’s mother?”
I dabbed my face then exhaled. “Yes.”
After crying with Gena for an hour, I hid in the bathroom hunched over sobbing on the cold blue slated tile. Cruz monitors me like a baby. He thinks I will kill myself. If I didn’t possibly have a baby growing inside me, maybe he’d have to worry. If I am carrying Tony’s child, I will pour all my love into our child.
~
In the days leading up to the funeral, Gena, Kirk, and Cristina stayed at Sergio’s. Staying with Sergio allowed the family to share their memories together. Cruz drove me to Sergio’s so I could spend time with the family.
It has been the hardest week of my life. Despite people swarming around me attempting to provide comfort and offering their condolence’s I felt alone.
Hollow inside is what I was.
I avoided Fran like the plague. I offered her my condolences, but that was the extent of our conversation. I lasted an hour.
Tony’s mother and siblings came to visit their old dwelling. They barely recognized their home due to all the remodeling. The sitting room was the only room I left in its original state. After two hours of us reminiscing about Tony, they returned to Sergio’s.
I invited Gio and Laina over. Gio was a wreck. He lost his best friend. Gio was careful only to share stories about he and Tony ruffing guys up who didn’t pay their gambling debt. He couldn’t reveal to Laina he and Tony were enforcers.
Sitting in the front row of the church pew, my body shook. Gena held my hand tight. Cristina, Tony’s sister, sat on the other side of me with her arm wrapped around me. My family sat behind us.
“Nadine, are you ready?” my mother whispered in my ear.
I nodded.
My mother and father walked around to the front pew, helping me to my feet. My fingers clutched the tissues tight. They held my arms assisting me as my rickety legs carried me toward the closed casket. I felt everyone’s eyes on me. The crowded church was quiet. Only the sound of the organ filled the sanctuary. Now, everyone knew I was Tony’s woman. My knees buckled. My father wrapped his arm around my waist. “I got you, baby girl,” he whispered.
The love and comfort my parents provided was what I needed to make it through. Tears filled my eyes.
“No!” I wailed.
“Tony, I need you. I can’t go on without you,” I sobbed.
My mother and father held me in their arms. I lunged forward throwing my body onto the casket. “Tony! Please come back.” My body quaked against the casket.
The memory of Tony and I making love over Christmas break, soothed me. We created this beautiful life growing inside me.
My father pulled me back against his strong chest. “Dad, Mom, I’m ok. I need to go to the restroom.”
“Sure, baby.” My mother and father kissed the side of my veiled face. Dressed in all black, I glanced over the faces throughout as I wobbled out of the sanctuary. My father carried my large black hat in his hand.
“Mom and Dad, I need a minute to myself.”
They smiled. “Of course, baby. We’ll be right here,” my mother stated.
Stepping into the restroom, I pulled back the veil, slamming my hands against the tan vanity. I tried pulling myself together. You can do it Nadine. You can make it through this day.
The restroom door flew open. I glanced at the well-kept porcelain doll strolling into the restroom in her expensive, fitted, black dress and tall heels.
“Again, I’m sorry for your loss, Nadine,” Fran said, pulling me into her arms.
I pulled back from her. “Are you really sorry? I think you are fucking selfish.” I hissed.
“The other day, I was only pleasant to you because we were in your home.”
Fran pushed open each stall door, ensuring we were alone. “What are you talking about?” her eyebrows wrinkled.
My face twisted. “Cut the bullshit. I helped put all this shit in motion today.” I pointed my finger toward the ground.
She smirked. “Tony, asked me to look out for you but I thought he meant as the grieving woman.”
“No bitch. I’m the scorn woman. My man is gone because of you. He would do anything for his family!” I yelled in a whisper.
“My baby will grow up never knowing his or her father because of his sacrifice.”
Her eyes widened. “I-I didn’t realize.”
“I know you didn’t. The war, Fran, is what should have taken place.” I took a deep breath.
“I will be the bigger woman for Tony. He told me to put myself in your shoes. The shoes of a woman who would do anything for her child. Now I get it. I don’t like it, but I get it.”
Fran wrapped her arms around me, pushing her lips close to my ear. “Listen and listen good. If the Magarelli men find out you are carrying a Magarelli child, they will take your child and raise him up to be the next hit man. Do you want that?”
I swallowed hard at her words. “No.” My voice quivered.
“We have to stick together. I am not only this child’s Aunt, but their Fairy God Mother. I will stop by the house in a couple of days to talk.”
I ran my hand across my collar bone. “Yeah.”
Francine freshened up her face before leaving.
Running my hand over my belly, I breathed in and ou
t. I just needed to make it through the double funeral. Staring at two caskets is nerve-wracking. Somehow, I will make it through today.
~
The doctor told me I’m four weeks pregnant. That night Tony told me he had to disappear, I wanted to share the news with him that I was possibly pregnant with our baby. I thought about Dillon’s safety and decided against it.
Standing in our kitchen, the memories keep flooding my brain. As much as I don’t ever want to forget Tony I need to leave this house. I will keep the house of course. I want to come here sometimes and remember us. I skipped school for the first time, sitting out for two weeks.
Staring at the post card Tony sent breaks my heart. He admits he loves me now. I wanted him to tell me every day while we were together. All those times I stared into his blue eyes, I saw how deeply he loved me. He fought his inner self. Never allowing himself to be totally happy. The way his fingers grazed my flesh while his lips made love to my body was pure love. The hunger in each kiss told me I was all the woman he would ever need.
Tony left me the unwed mother to be. The woman who never became his wife he left me his fortune. Fuck it all! I just want my big strong, brooding man back. I feel like my heart has been snatched from my chest, thrown to the floor, drenched in gasoline, and set ablaze. Running my fingers over his handwritten words, ‘I love you’ I’m in all of those words he finally spoke. I will keep this postcard in a special place and cherish it forever.
I stopped taking care of myself. I know I need to pull it together. Fran and I are going house shopping in a suburb twenty minutes away. She understands I will eventually have to stop attending classes during the day. No one can know I’m pregnant. Luckily, shortly after starting medical school, I’ll have this baby in October. No time off to spend with baby. I’m hiring a live-in nanny.
At some point during the day tears spill from my eyes. In two years, Tony and I have never been away from each other this long. I miss his lips pressing against my temple. It was endearing. I’ve decided to throw myself back into my studies. I can’t see another way to make it without Tony. All he ever wanted was for me to become a doctor. I won’t let him nor myself down.
FRANCINE
Over the course of two years Nadine has always been pleasant. Nadine caught me off guard. I had no idea she helped fake Tony and Dillon’s deaths. Her theatrics in the sanctuary was award-winning. I understand Tony never to return is similar to death. I remember how she stared at Tony when they were over for dinner. Love and adoration spilled from every pore of that woman’s body. I’d never seen Tony smile as much as he did in her presence.
Nadine said she is a woman scorn. I admit my actions were selfish. Saving my son’s life was my priority. Nadine never crossed my mind. Tony’s happiness didn’t either. The day he confided in me about getting out of the life was before he met Nadine. Knowing how happy she made him, what could make me think Tony still wanted out.
Nadine sacrificed her own happiness to keep my son safe. Learning Nadine is carrying Tony’s child was shocking. There is no way I will allow her to raise this child alone. It is my duty to provide for her. I need to make her as comfortable as possible. Together she and I will raise her child. Shower the baby with nothing but love. Keeping Nadine’s baby, a secret from my husband will be a challenge. Hopefully when I reveal to Sergio, I’m carrying our child will be enough to keep his nose out of Nadine’s business. I can’t allow the Magarelli’s to get their hands on her baby. Her child deserves to be free from the Magarelli life. I will do everything within my power to keep Nadine’s baby a secret.
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
TONY
At a distance, I kept watch over Dillon. I lived in Portland for six months. Francine’s attorney flew to Portland paying me $200k in cash on her behalf for taking care of Dillon. She will wire money to a bank in the Caymans under mine and Dillon’s fake names annually. Francine is a very wealthy woman without Sergio.
L.A. was glamorous. I dreamed of living in beautiful sunny California. Finally, I had arrived. I found a dingy motel to live in until I could find an apartment. Up the street from the motel was a little hole in the wall bar. I’d taken up residence there during the day. The windows were blacked out. Prostitutes picked up men there throughout the day. I always remained aware of my surroundings even if I appeared consumed in my thoughts. I lived in darkness around the clock. Fuck sunshine. Nothing was sunny about my life anymore.
“Carlos, would you like the usual?”
“Yeah.” My head hung low. The dingy white T-shirt and dirty jeans smelled terrible. If it wasn’t for the five thousand dollars I carried in my pocket on any given day, the average person would think I’m homeless. I brought $100k with me from Jersey. $300k is enough to start over with comfortably. Technically, I don’t need a job. My number one job is to watch out for Dillon. Fran pays me more than enough to take care of her son. I need to find a job to keep me occupied and out of the liquor bottle.
Body guard work would be easy. It doesn’t involve killing. Since I began my career as an enforcer I’ve never gone over two months without killing someone. I felt like I was having an out-of-body experience every day.
“Carlos, here is your whiskey. I will keep them coming.” He smiled.
I asked Doug to call me Carlos even though my new Drivers License has Tony DeRosa printed on it.
“Thanks Doug,” I replied, slamming the whiskey to the back of my throat.
I tossed two crisp $100 bills on the bar.
Doug leaned in a little. “I’m not sure what you are going through. If you want to talk, I’d be happy to listen,” the middle-aged blond man stated.
I gawked at my reflection in the mirror. I hate the long brown hair and beard. I either wear a baseball cap low or dark sunglasses to hide my identity.
“If you want to be a nobody, you came to the right place, skid row. No one gives a fuck who you are here. You need to eat. I’ll bring you a burger and a glass of water.” He smiled, before stepping away.
The bar was filling up around 7 p.m. It was Friday night; I noticed the crowd changed from prostitutes to young singles occupying the seats. Not my crowd. Time to walk back to the motel. Tossing a fifty-dollar bill on the counter, I exited the bar. A man sat on the ground against the building, head in his hands. Keeping my head down, I walked the short distance. I felt a presence behind me.
Quickly, I turned grabbing the man’s dirty T-shirt pulling him close. “What the fuck do you want!?” I growled.
“Nothing man.”
“Bullshit.” I punched the man in the gut, then dropped him to the ground. I kicked him repeatedly in his stomach. “Don’t ever fuck with me!” I roared.
I left the man on the sidewalk moaning and groaning. Walking up the stairs, I entered my room. The howling began the moment I walked inside. Every night I howled, mourning the loss of Nadine. Patrons banged on the wall begging me to shut up.
∞
Gradually, I pulled myself together. It was time to purchase a new car. I dumped Nadine’s truck in Portland, burning it to a crisp. She never drove it anyway. The more she stayed at my house, she drove my vehicles. Her truck mainly sat on campus.
I smiled while I watched it burn. I remembered fucking Nadine the night we set the Oldsmobile on fire. One of my favorite memories.
Driving off the lot in the new black Suburban, I glared at the fancy shops on Rodeo Drive. Two hours later, I walked down the street toting a new wardrobe and a new haircut. The house I’m leasing in Calabasas is suitable. It’s all I need.
I work out four times a week at a local gym. Eating regularly was a must if I wanted to get my weight up. Two months later I found a job. Mr. Roland Silverman was a tall, older, Jewish man with short, salt, and pepper hair. He had bushy eyebrows, a slender nose and thin lips. His eyes held mystery and his demeanor spoke wisdom. Mr. Silverman’s company is held in high regard in the entertainment industry. He employed the best bodyguards to protect the rich elite celebrities.
“Tony, would you like a drink?” he asked, strolling over to his office mini bar.
“No, thank you,” I replied sitting in one of the two black leather chairs in the middle of the room.
He nodded, pouring himself a drink.
“Tony, I will be frank. The young woman you will guard is a popular country singer and actress. Every body guard I hire falls into bed with her. Can you keep your focus?”
Holding my hands together in my lap, I glanced his way. “Yes, I can.”
The sun light poured into the room through the floor to ceiling windows with a view of a lush garden.
He flashed a devilish smile like this was a test.
“All right, the address is on the coffee table.”
I leaned forward, retrieving the piece of paper.
“Make sure you are on time. The traffic in that area is a monster.”
I glanced at my watch. “I’ll leave early Mr. Silverman. I will talk to you later.”
Standing in his blue suit, he sipped the scotch. “Later Tony.”
~
Good thing I left early. Traffic was atrocious. California is great but I hate the bumper to bumper traffic. I arrived at Ms. Rayleign’s house early.
The security guard informed me Ms. Rayleign is expecting me. Standing at her front door, I lifted my fist to knock. The door flew open.
A tall slender woman with brown tresses answered the door, wearing a white silk robe revealing a yellow bra and panties.
“Well hello! You must me Tony, my new bodyguard. Come in.”
I removed my sunglasses stepping into her home. I slipped the dark glasses inside the inner pocket of my gray suit, which matched my new eye color.
