by Baron Sord
I tried to think of a lie that wouldn’t offend her or break Jeff’s trust. Turned out I didn’t need to lie. The truth worked fine. I forced a grin and said, “I was going to say, because you’re secretly a nerd who draws her own comic.”
Relaxing, she giggled and held her finger to her lips, “Shhhh. Don’t tell anybody.”
“I won’t. I promise,” I smiled sincerely.
“No, seriously. Don’t tell anyone,” she said with an edge.
“I won’t,” I chuckled, not sure why it mattered. If I had my own comic debuting at Comic Con, I’d be telling everybody. “At any rate, we should go. Before people start asking too many questions.”
—: Chapter 8 :—
On our way to Lady Liberty’s car, we walked through the crowded Gaslamp District downtown. It was full of restaurants and bars, and was where I had planned on offering to take Lady Liberty to dinner later.
Suddenly hungry and feeling thirsty, I considered asking her if she wanted to join me for lunch now, but I didn’t think anyone would let me inside their restaurant wearing only a flag around my waist.
We continued walking against the flow of Con attendees heading toward the convention center. Unlike me, Lady Liberty had not found a nearby parking space.
She sighed, “I should’ve taken an Uber.”
If I had been paying full attention, it would’ve been the perfect opportunity to bond over our mutual lack of preparation. But I didn’t really hear her because every guy that walked past us blatantly stared at her. Some turned around after passing and shamelessly stared at her ass. Others simply stopped and drooled. Still others turned and followed her. Yes, her beauty was magnetic.
Was I jealous that every guy wanted her?
Maybe.
No, definitely.
“Doug?” she asked.
“What?”
“Are you listening?”
“Huh? Oh, sorry. I was, uh, lost in my thoughts.”
“I was saying, nobody is talking about the eclipse.”
“Oh.”
“You said you saw the eclipse, right?”
“I did,” I nodded.
“And the green light?”
“That too.”
“Were we the only ones?”
“Maybe.”
“Doesn’t that seem weird?”
“I don’t know. How often do people look at the sun when they’re not expecting an eclipse?”
“Pretty much never.”
“Right,” I nodded. “Which begs the question, why were you looking at it?”
She frowned, “I was yawning. I always look up when I yawn.”
“You do?”
“Is that a problem?” She was now on the defensive.
I wasn’t sure why yawning was an off-limits topic, but I didn’t want to annoy her, so I offered, “I sneeze when I look at the sun.”
Her frown softened to a smile, “That’s weird.”
“So is yawning,” I chuckled.
She swatted my arm, “Shut up.”
My heart jumped and I got that adrenalin rush thing in my chest. If physical attraction worked like gravity, (which apparently it did, based on all the men who couldn’t stop staring at her), it was working on me too. I wanted to grab on to Lady Liberty and never let go.
“This way,” she said as she turned down another street.
Several blocks later, we crossed an overpass that bridged the 5 freeway. Homeless tents were lined up along the bridge’s sidewalk. Homeless people sat in front of their tents, enjoying the warm weather and sun.
“Hey! It’s Superwoman!” A toothless guy cackled as we passed. He cradled a bottle of Night Train in his lap. When he saw me, he snickered, “But you ain’t Superman.”
LL laughed as she slowed and said to Joe Homeless, “I’m Lady Liberty.”
He said, “Who’s this guy? Mr. America?” He meant me.
LL looked at my naked chest and abs, “More like Mr. Universe.”
I rolled my eyes. Yes, I had abs and my biceps looked bigger than I remembered, but I wasn’t packing an extra 90 pounds of muscle.
Joe Homeless said, “You got any spare change for a citizen in need?” He held up a dirty paper McDonald’s cup and shook it. Two coins rattled hollowly inside.
I smiled at him, “I’d give you the shirt off my back if I had one.” I meant it. I had plenty of spare T-shirts at home. “Unless you want my cape?”
“I’ll take your cape,” he laughed, his lips stretching over ragged gums. “Why not? Looks real nice.”
“It was a joke,” I said regrettably. “It’s all I’ve got to wear.”
LL laughed. “You should totally give him your cape.”
I glared at her and chuckled nervously, “Would you shut up?”
“No, I’m serious. I think you can pull it off.”
“What, the cape?” I smirked, “No, it’s staying right where it is, thank you.”
“No, silly. The look.”
“What look?”
“The cape-less look.” She winked, obviously flirting. “You’ve got the body for it.”
“Thanks. Maybe next time.” I said to Joe Homeless, “Sorry, man. I need the cape. And I have zero cash on me.” Since I held my wallet in hand, I opened it to show Joe it was empty.
“Dude, you broke,” he snorted with amusement.
“Yup,” I smirked. If that car fire hadn’t burned up my money, I would’ve given Joe Homeless a few dollars. I helped out wherever I could.
“I’ve got some money,” LL said. She produced a tiny wallet from somewhere inside her costume and put a five dollar bill in Joe’s paper cup. “Here,” she smiled. “Don’t spend it all in one place.” Then she gave fives to several other homeless people as we passed. When we put some distance between ourselves and the homeless camp, she said to me, “Sorry about that.”
“Sorry about what? You helping homeless people because my money burned up?”
“Noooo,” she laughed, “for offering that guy my cape.”
“Your cape?” I chuckled. “Why are you trying so hard to make me walk around naked?”
She rolled her eyes, “If I have to explain, it’s not worth the trouble.”
I wasn’t dumb. I could read between the lines. But, how was it possible that a woman as gorgeous as her had any interest in me? All I could do was look at her and wonder. Make that stare. I tore my eyes away before I pitched a patriotic circus tent. I muttered nervously, “Your car is this way, right?” I had no idea where her car was.
She giggled, “Aww, did I embarrass you?”
“No, but you try walking around with no clothes on in front of a bunch of bums. Oh wait, you—” I stopped myself short again. Keeping Jeff’s secret about LL’s stripper job was going to be a chore. I had almost said, Oh wait, you strut around naked for bums every night of the week. That would have been the wrongest thing I could possibly say.
She was frowning. “Did Jeff…” She trailed off, but continued scrutinizing my face.
I ignored her and kept walking. If I looked at her, I would probably blurt out the truth. “Which way was your car again?”
“Hey!” she hollered in a stern voice from 20 feet behind me, “Did Jeff say something to you?!”
I kept walking, “What kind of car do you drive? A Jeep? You look like a Jeep kind of girl.”
Her boot heels clacked the sidewalk as she hurried to catch up. “A jeep girl?! What’s that supposed to mean?!”
“A Mazda?” I stopped and turned around. “Maybe a BMW? A Subaru?”
“Doooooug?!”
“Toyota? Ford? Tesla? Fiat? Ferrari? Have you ever noticed how many car names start with F or T?”
“Doug! Shut up about the cars! What did Jeff tell you?!”
“He didn’t tell me anything! Where’s your car?!”
She folded her arms across her magnificent chest and cocked her hip defiantly. That was her thing. Cocking her hip. Hips and cocks. Cocks and hips. Everybody knew what coc
ks and hips did…
I spun around and kept walking.
“Doug! Tell me what he said! Or so help me, I’m not driving you home!”
I stopped and squeaked, “What color did you say your car was?!”
“I didn’t!” she barked.
“Silver? Red? Charcoal gray? Blue? Red-white-and-blue like your costume?”
“Doug!” She stamped her foot.
For me, lying was not in my wheelhouse. It was in the next county over. No, the next state over.
“Doooooouuuuug!” she demanded with a growl.
I chuckled anxiously, “Has anyone ever told you how beautiful you are when you’re angry?”
“Shut up and tell me already! What did Jeff say?!”
My response was to grin like a guilty criminal and shrug my shoulders accordingly.
“Fine,” she barked and stormed past me. “I’m giving you a ride home and then I’m never talking to you again.”
I took her at her word and we walked four blocks in silence. I trailed behind to give her some space because every time I caught up to her, she sped up.
I deserved it.
She had figured it out.
If only I’d kept my mouth shut.
One thing was for sure, LL was very perceptive.
We turned on another side street and the neighborhood changed noticeably. The cars parked here were tired and worn out. The houses weren’t quite rundown, but they were getting there. We passed a back alley running between rows of houses, I happened to notice three large white guys in black leather jackets hovering suspiciously around a parked car.
I slowed to see what they were doing.
They noticed me immediately and stood up straight while hiding things in their fancy leather jackets. They weren’t motorcycle jackets. More like suit jackets, but black leather. Very expensive. They looked out of place in this neighborhood.
I must’ve lost my mind because I hollered, “Hey! What are you guys—?!”
Before I could finish my sentence, they burst into hearty laughter. Their hardened faces broke into relaxed humor.
“You see this guy?”
“The fuck is he wearing?”
I stopped and glanced down at my cape-skirt.
Obviously, stopping was a bad idea. I didn’t make a habit of getting in fights, especially not with three big guys, and definitely not while wearing a cape-skirt.
Then I remembered I now had super human strength. Maybe I should do something. No, that was stupid. First, fighting in a loose skirt was a losing battle. It was going to come off. Sure, ancient Romans wrestled naked, but you try doing it. Second, I had my wallet to hold onto. That meant fighting with one hand. I wasn’t about to hand it to one of these guys and ask them to hold it while I fought. Third and most importantly, these guys might have guns or knives. Super strength didn’t stop bullets or blades.
“Hey, buddy,” one of them said. “Why don’t you fuck the fuck off?”
For whatever reason, I just stood there staring.
“Are you deaf?” he asked.
The three of them looked at each other and seemed to reach an unspoken agreement that was obviously, “Kill him.”
As one, they nodded their heads and swaggered toward me.
Too late to run away now. I looked them over as they approached and noticed they all wore fancy shoes to go with their fancy leather jackets. Rather well dressed for car thieves, if you asked me. They looked more like paid mercenaries. Or perhaps organized criminals. Whatever the case, they were hardened men.
More importantly, why was I still standing here?
“Doug!” Lady Liberty barked as she stepped up next to me. “What are you doing?!”
The men slowed as they got a good look at her too-tight costume. Beauty could do that. It truly was a super power. The jaws of the three men essentially dropped to the ground and their tongues rolled out like welcome mats for Lady Liberty. They started hooting.
“Holy shit!”
“Would you look at that rack!”
“That bitch is lit!”
“I’d hit that shit!”
“I’d hit that shit twice!”
“Not until after I do, dog!”
They sauntered toward me and Lady Liberty, their mood changing from aggressively confrontational to aggressively possessive.
She scowled silently as they approached.
The tallest and biggest thug, who looked like a walking rhinoceros, said, “What’s your name, honey?”
LL smirked, “Don’t even go there.”
I almost said, Yeah, trust me, don’t ask her name.
LL turned and smirked at me like she’d read my mind.
Rhino smiled at her, “All right, I hear you. I don’t need to know your name to put my dick in you.”
“What?!” LL gasped laughter to hide her offense.
The other two thugs whooped approval.
I stepped in front of Lady Liberty, putting myself between her and them. “Back off, boys.” They clearly weren’t here to have her sign their comic books.
“Ugh,” LL groaned behind me. “This is stupid. Let’s go.” Her boot heels audibly slapped the asphalt behind me as she headed out of the alley.
Rhino called after her, “Where you goin, honey?”
“Away from you,” she hollered back. “Are you coming or what?” She was clearly talking to me.
Rhino chortled, “I’ll come anywhere you want, honey.”
“I wasn’t talking to you,” LL grumbled.
Without turning around — I didn’t want to get sucker-punched — I called to LL, “I’ll catch up with you in a minute.”
“How about you catch up now?” LL demanded.
Rhino said, “Your momma’s callin, little boy.”
His two thug buddies thought that was hilarious.
I didn’t say anything.
“Fine,” LL sighed. Her boots faded around the corner and she was gone.
At least she was out of harm’s way.
But I wasn’t.
The reality of the situation suddenly sunk in.
Me, three huge thugs, an empty alley.
They had tools which could be used as weapons, and there was a good chance they had actual weapons hidden in their black jackets.
I had none of the above.
This was not going to end well.
Rhino stepped up to me toe-to-toe and looked down from on high. He towered over me like a monument. A huge tattoo on his neck spelled FwCK in script letters. FwCK? That had to be a spelling error.
He drawled, “Did you not pass math class, Sparky?” He was one to talk with his neck tattoo.
“Math class?” I said.
“Math. There’s one of you and three of us. Do the math.” This guy was huge. He had six inches on me and probably outweighed me by a hundred pounds or more. The only difference between him and a real rhinoceros was the lack of horns.
For some strange reason, I didn’t care. Oh yeah. I remembered. I had just picked up a car and shot fire from my hands.
I smirked at him, “Do the math?”
“Yeah. Do the math,” Rhino said with rising anger.
“Okay. One plus one equals—”
Whack!
Rhino whipped his hand out lightning fast and snatched my wallet from my hand.
“Hmmm,” he grinned. “What’s this?”
I smirked at him, “My wallet.”
“My wallet now,” Rhino chuckled.
I groaned. I had been treated like this in middle school and high school. Before I could think of a clever retort, instinct kicked in and I blurted, “Give it back.”
Rhino smiled, “I told you, Sparky. It’s my wallet. Isn’t that right, boys?”
One of the men behind him laughed, “I bought it for you last year. For your birthday.”
The third man chuckled and said to me in a friendly way, “It was my idea. He likes wallets.”
“See?” Rhino said like the case was closed. “Bir
thday present. Had it a whole year.”
I heaved a sigh.
Rhino opened my wallet, looked inside, and snorted, “You’re broke.”
I smirked silently.
“Don’t need this,” he said and flicked my driver’s license over his shoulder. It spun through the air before landing on the roof of a one-story house that abutted the alley.
“Hey!” I said. “That’s my driver’s license!”
“I didn’t see any driver’s license,” Rhino grinned. “What else we got in here? Credit card? I can use this.” He slid it out of the leather sleeve and stuck it in his pocket. “Ooh! An ATM card! What’s the password?”
“Give it back,” I grumbled and took a step forward.
“Whoa. Easy, Sparky. Step off before you get yourself wrecked.”
I quietly muttered something I had never once said in middle school or high school to any of my teenaged tormentors, “You’re the one who’s going to get wrecked.”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa. What’d you say, Sparky?”
“I said, Rgh-EM!” My nerves were kicking in. Yes, I was scared shitless. I had never won a single real fight in my entire life. Needless to say, I had lost plenty. I cleared my throat and took a moment to collect myself.
Rhino smiled at me with gleeful hatred. “Speak up, son. I didn’t hear you the first time. I’m kinda hard of hearing.” He motioned me closer with his huge hand. “C’mere. Say it close so I can hear you better.”
I didn’t trust him, but for whatever reason, I leaned toward him. “I said, you’re the one who—”
WHAM!
Rhino sucker-punched me in the jaw so hard my teeth crashed together. I went staggering backward, my arms flailing. Banged into a parked car. But I didn’t go down. Strangely, my jaw didn’t hurt a bit.
Neither did my teeth.
The only thing I felt was rage, and rightly so. Rhino had sucker-punched me! He was huge! I wasn’t! And still he cheated?! Total dick move!
Rhino tossed my wallet onto the roof where my driver’s license lay. It flapped open and lay there like a dead bird.
Normally, I would’ve stood stewing in a pot of impotent rage and real fear. But I had super powers now. And you know what? His sucker-punch was strangely invigorating. I didn’t want to stand here and pout. I wanted to grab the nearest rock or tree branch I could find and beat his head in. No, I would use my fists.
