by K E Osborn
“Like you do with Cherry.”
“Yeah, man. Just like I do with Cherry.”
“We gotta protect her, Zero. If Maxen gets to her—”
“I know… I know that feeling you get in the depth of your stomach when you care about someone so fucking much it’s crippling. I get it, Texas. We’re gonna look out for her. You have my word.” He tightens his grip on my shoulder.
“She just… gets me. You know?”
Zero laughs. “Not many people do, but she sure does. You can’t let her go.”
“She makes me feel, and that’s fucking—”
“Scary as shit, right?”
“Fuck, yeah.”
He slaps me over the back of the head and pushes me away from him. “Then what are you spending time with me for, asshole?” He laughs with a wide grin and walks off.
I’ve never had such an in-depth conversation with Zero. He looks out for his men, his brothers, his family, and that’s what this club is to me, the best fucking family a man could ever want.
Walking over to the bar, I spot the breakfast tacos and coffee sitting on a tray. I pick them up and say, “Nessie, I think I love you a little bit.”
She chuckles. “Right back at ‘ya.”
Turning, I spot Chills walking into the clubhouse and heading for the stairs. Making my way over, I meet her at the bottom of the stairs. She looks wrecked, and I smile at her sympathetically. “How is Kobe?” I ask.
She exhales. “He’s actually doing pretty good. He’s recovering well, taking to all the medications and everything like he is supposed to, so everything is going to plan. I’m just a mama bear worried that everything has led up to this and now it’s finally here, I kinda don’t know what to do with myself.”
As we take the stairs, I watch her slump. “Chills, are you okay?”
She stops mid-step and leans back against the wall. “I’m a doctor. It’s all I know, and I can’t do anything to help my own son right now. I feel fucking useless. It’s why I left the hospital for a while… to come home, shower, and just take a breath. I was hoping to take a look at Fin, check in on her, tend to her wounds, make sure she is doing okay. Do something fucking worthwhile.”
Nodding, I place the tray down on the stairs and take a seat. “Sit with me, doc.”
She raises her brow, then takes a seat. “Everything okay?”
“Fin’s doing good. She’s sore. Really fucking sore actually, so if you have painkillers, that would be great. It would make me feel better if you would come check on her too.”
She nods. “Okay, I can do that.”
I stare out at nothing in particular when Chills rests her hand on my knee. “Texas, this isn’t about Fin… is it?”
Shaking my head, I exhale. “We got in a disagreement, and it got me to thinking.”
Chills turns to face me a little more. “Go on.”
“Nah… it’s nothing. You got enough shit to worry about, I don’t want to burden you with my crap.”
She scoffs out a laugh. “Please! Please give me something else to think about, Texas. You’ll be helping me if I can help you.”
Hesitating, I exhale. “Okay… so, when I was young, my father would beat my mother senseless and I couldn’t do anything to stop it.”
“I’m so sorry you had to witness that. No child should have to see such things.”
“It got worse. The bastard beat her so bad one day, he killed her. It was fucking carnage… he just left her there, on the floor, for hours…” I put my head in my hands before I continue, “I sat by her side trying to wake her up, but I knew, I knew she was gone. With that much blood and gore, there was no way she was ever waking up.”
“Jesus…”
Blinking my eyes a few times to stop the memories from coming back, I clear my throat, and I look at her. “I think something happened to me that day, doc.”
She reaches out grabbing my hand. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, since then, I have this thing, and it’s fucking weird. It’s what Fin and I fought about.”
She slides in closer. “You can talk to me, Texas. Whatever you tell me, stays between us.”
My eyes shift to her, and I exhale. “I feel disconnected from everything and everyone. My emotions don’t feel like my own. Like I’m detached from the objects and people in it. Like the world can sometimes be distorted, or… fuck! I don’t even know what the fuck I am trying to say because I sound like a raving fucking lunatic.”
“No, you don’t. Please, keep going.”
Sighing, my jaw wracks from side to side as I try to put the weirdness into words. “It’s like this glass wall is separating me from the people I care about, like a fog washes over me, and I can’t feel what I should be feeling. That’s fucking weird, right?”
She narrows her eyes, leaning a little closer. “Texas, I need you to really think about this. You may not even have truly noticed it. But, can objects sometimes seem distorted? Or, can it feel like something that happened recently feels like it happened in the distant past?”
I think of last night, the car accident. I know it was only last night, but it honestly feels like a fucking lifetime ago.
What the fuck?
“I never really noticed it till right now, but… the accident. It feels to me like weeks have passed. Maybe even months. Why the fuck is that? What the fuck is wrong with me?”
She tightens her grip on my hands. “Texas, there’s nothing wrong with you, but I think I know the underlying issue.”
I widen my eyes. “Tell me! Please.”
“I mean, you need to be clinically tested, but from all accounts, it sounds like you have DPDR.”
I scrunch up my face. “English, Doc.”
“Depersonalization/Derealization Disorder.”
“What the fuck is that?”
“It’s a mental health condition that affects about two percent of the world’s population. It can cause you to experience a persistent or reoccurring feeling of being outside of your body, which is known as depersonalization. It’s when you feel like you’re detached from yourself, like you’re watching yourself from the sidelines. Then there’s a sense of what’s happening around you isn’t real which is derealization, or both… it’s why you feel like you can’t feel. Like your emotions aren’t real… it’s the derealization part of the disorder.”
I let out a long exhale taking this all in.
“It’s completely treatable with some psychotherapy and antidepressants—”
“Antidepressants? I’m not fucking depressed. I don’t need that shit!”
Chills exhales. “I know, it’s daunting, but the science and medications are beneficial, Texas. If you want to feel again, then this is what needs to be done.”
“Fuck…. a fucking mental health condition? My brothers will think I’m a fucking pussy!”
“Don’t you dare think like that! They love you. They’re your family in the good and the bad. They will support you no matter what you’re going through.”
I let out a long exhale. “This is all because of what my dad did to my mom?”
“I would say so. Texas, you’re a big man. You’re so fucking strong. You’ve built yourself up to be this protector of the club. Now, think about why you’ve made yourself into the man you are? Why you have your road name.”
“So I could fight off fucking assholes like my father and protect those I love.”
“That mentality, right there…” she points at me, “… shows me just how deeply affected by that traumatic event you were, you still are. You need help, Texas. Because without it… it’s gonna eventually drown you.”
Feeling the tension building, I rub at the back of my neck. “How the fuck do I even start to deal with this, Chills?”
“I’ll help you. Don’t worry. I’ll find the right psychotherapist to deal with this for you. If you need me to tell Fin and the club, I will... whatever you need, Texas.”
I let out a loud scoff. “I should be there f
or you and Chains right now, and what do I do? I lay all this on you instead.”
She smiles. “Actually, this has helped. Feeling useful is what I need right now. Lord knows being at the hospital with my son makes me feel fucking worthless because I can’t do a damn thing to help him apart from being his mom.”
“Between the two of us, we’re fucked right now.”
She chuckles. “Your tacos are getting cold.”
I glance over my shoulder at the breakfast for Finley and me and smile. “Thanks for the chat, Doc. Strangely, I think it’s helped.” I stand, helping her up. As I turn, I grab the tray from the stairs. We start back up them, and she pats my back. “I’ll get that information to you as soon as I can. Just know, Texas, you’re not alone, and you’re not crazy. If you need to talk more about this, I am always here, no matter what. Okay?”
“Thanks, Chills, I mean that.”
We reach the hall, and she nods then she makes her way to her room as I grab the handle for Fin’s. When I enter, she’s sitting on the edge of the bed, laptop on her lap, typing away. I huff, closing the door behind me and place the tray on the desk, then walk over grabbing the laptop and slowly close the lid.
She looks up at me, guilt-ridden. “I was just checking my emails.”
Leaning down, I plant a kiss on her nose. “You’re supposed to be asleep. And how the hell did you find your laptop? I thought I hid it well.”
She rolls her eyes. “You know I’m a workaholic. You can’t keep me down.”
“Hmm…” I mumble under my breath as I turn, grabbing a taco and handing it to her.
Her eyes light up. “Thank the Lord, I was wasting away up here.”
I chuckle, grabbing my tacos and sit on the bed beside her. “My bad. Got carried away in a conversation with Chills.”
She unwraps the foil and shoves the taco in her mouth. She has no shame as egg spills down onto her gorgeous breast. I so desperately want to bend down and lick it off, but I control myself.
“Oh? She’s here? Everything okay?” she mumbles.
I laugh, nodding my head.
This is the most relaxed I have seen Fin, and I love her like this. Hair tussled, naked, and carefree.
“We talked about our disagreement.”
She stops eating, swallows, and simply stares at me. “You talked about us?”
Shaking my head, I state, “I talked about me.”
“With another woman?”
I scrunch up my face. “What the fuck, woman. Not like that! I talked to her as a doctor.”
Her mouth forms an ‘O’ shape, and she exhales. “I see… and what did you discuss?”
“Me being crazy—”
“You’re not fucking crazy!”
“That’s what Chills said, minus the fucking.” I let out a small laugh.
She rests her hand on my thigh. “See, if a doctor said it, it must be true.” Her kind eyes meet mine, and my muscles tense.
“She thinks I have a mental health disorder.”
“Whoa, really?” Fin’s eyes widen.
“Depersonalization/Derealization Disorder. DPDR for short. Fuck! I’m amazed I remembered that shit!”
She gulps, her hand coming out to caress my face. “I don’t know what that is, but whatever it is, we will face it... together.”
Hearing her words makes me feel so much fucking better. I wasn’t sure how she would react.
“Chills is going to help me find a psychotherapist. She also told me I might need to go on antidepressants.”
She inhales sharply. “Okay, whatever it takes. I want you to feel good, Texas. I’m gonna support you no matter what. You’ve been here for me when I needed you. Let me be here for you.”
“You’re fucking perfect, you know that?” I tell her, looking into her sparkling emerald eyes.
She smirks, looking down to her bruised and battered skin. “I don’t know about that,” she rebukes, then takes another bite of her taco, another piece of egg falling onto her chest, and I let out a laugh.
This time I don’t hold back. I lean down, sucking the egg off her skin and place some kisses as well. She giggles as I trail along her collarbone, up her neck, then to her lips.
She drops the taco to the side of the bed and wraps her arms around my neck, pulling me to her. My tongue dives into her mouth as she kisses me back strongly. I toss my taco to the floor, edging her back onto the bed. I shrug out of my cut, my cock growing instantly hard against the seam of my jeans. I’m so fucking lucky to have her.
Fin’s hands slide down, unbuckling my belt.
I might not be able to feel anything emotionally, but fuck, I know I am feeling things physically.
And I want to feel Fin all over again as she slides my jeans over my ass.
Yeah, I’m one lucky sonofabitch.
TEXAS
Two Weeks Later
The last two weeks have felt like they have flown past. Fin is healing well, and Kobe has come home from the hospital and is here recovering at the clubhouse. Chicago is still here, and while I love the guys, the place is way too crowded, though most of them have now shifted over to the apartments across the road to spend more time with their old ladies in peace. Apparently, Torque is running up some business while in town, and it’s why they’re staying on. Something with the Andretti alliance they have going on. The Andretti queen needs some shit done over here, so the guys are carrying out that work while they’re here.
We don’t ask. As long as it doesn’t get our club in the fucking shit, they can use our club as home base as long as they need. It’s what family does. Plus, Sensei is a real fucking character to try and work out. He’s so straight down the line, but the guy has a badass streak. I can tell. That Yakuza blood he has in his veins has got to count for something.
Everyone sits around while Fox and Bub cook on the grill. We’re having a feast today to celebrate Prinie and Wraith’s baby’s sex. They called it a gender reveal party or some shit! Anyway, streamers line the walls in blues and pinks and everyone is happy and ready to celebrate. If you fucking ask me, it’s all a bit too much fuss, but they’re happy, so I guess it’s all that matters.
Fin slides in beside me, her eyes shining bright. “What do you think it will be?”
I snort. “Another fucking spawn that cries all night long.”
Finley bursts out laughing. “Someone’s in a mood.”
“I just don’t understand why no one is taking this Maxen shit fucking serious. What the fuck’s it gonna take for my club to do something?”
Fin cuddles into my side. “Has he tried anything since?”
“No, but you’ve been locked in the clubhouse.”
“And if I go out of the clubhouse, will I be guarded profusely?”
“Fuck, yeah. You ain’t getting out of my sight, woman.”
“So, is there really anything to worry about right now?”
I narrow my eyes on her. “Why does that smart brain of yours always have to make fucking sense?”
She grins. “Because I’m so damn amazing.”
“Yeah, you are.” I lean in pressing my lips to hers as a loud whistle calls out through the clubhouse.
Chicago and Houston brothers and old ladies fill the space as Wraith and Prinie stand up the front with a giant black balloon. I roll my eyes and huff while everyone looks at them.
“All right, fuckers. We’ve had a fair amount of shit flung at us these past few weeks, so my Old Lady thought it was time to do something and celebrate. And when the princess of the club wants something—”
“The princess gets it,” Lala from Chicago calls out.
Everyone laughs at Chicago’s princess, as her Old Man, Pyro, pulls her in tight kissing her head.
“Damn straight! And my woman wanted to do one of these fucking gender reveals, God help us, so that’s what we’re gonna fucking do,” Wraith calls out.
Prinie smirks. “You could at least pretend to be enthusiastic about it, babe.”
“Yea
h, yeah, I get to find out whether I’m having another girl to drive me insane or a fucking legacy. I’m ready to do this.”
“Sephy only drives you insane because you keep thinking ahead to when she’s in her teens and dating.”
“Goddamn, stop reminding me. Because you’re damn right I do. I swear any fucker who comes near her…” Wraith pulls out his gun and cocks it, shaking his head to end his sentence.
Everyone laughs as Prinie rolls her eyes. “Okay, fine! Let’s do this.”
Prinie lets the balloon go, it rises into the air and Wraith aims at it with his gun. He shoots, the bullet piercing the balloon which bursts and tiny little blue motorcycles rain down over the clubhouse.
Zero lets out a cheer as Wraith wraps his arms around Prinie. “A fucking legacy. Fuck! I can’t believe it!” He leans in kissing Prinie’s cheek, his arms wrapping around her swollen belly.
“It’s a boy!” She smiles wide.
The entire clubhouse erupts into celebration.
Zero and Koda race forward embracing their sister.
I let out a long exhale. “Guess that wasn’t sooo bad.”
Fin bumps her shoulder into mine. “You’d make a great dad.”
“My dad was an asshole, so I didn’t have a very good role model.”
“From what I know, Texas, you’re nothing like your father.”
I slowly nod. “Yeah, nothing at all.” I pull her to me and kiss her as the cheering around the clubhouse subsides and Fox brings in the feast.
Let the celebrations begin.
After the gender reveal, the mood is high, and there’s a buzz in the air, but I have shit I need them to know. Fin and I are sitting at the table with all the people I have to talk to about the stuff that’s bothering me right now. They don’t all know what’s going on, so maybe now is the time to come clean. I don’t know what they’re going to think. Hell, I’ve had only two weeks to process this information, and they might need that time too.
Zero snorts back a laugh as he shovels some brisket into his mouth. “Man, I would love to see the look on the Baroness’ face if I told her that.”
