by Sadie Bosque
Blake raked his hand through his hair. “This is too complicated. And it has nothing to do with trust.”
“It has everything to do with trust, Blake. You say that you trust me with your life. But have you given me any reason to trust you?”
“What the devil are you talking about?”
“I am talking about the promises you don’t keep. Y-you promise to be there for me forever, but you can’t even be bothered to appear by my bed in the morning after we spend the night! You say that it’s too difficult for you to tell me where you spent a year and a half of your life, but how about the last two days?”
“Pardon?”
Annalise let out a scoff. “That night, when you held me in your arms, you promised me you’d be there in the morning. Instead, you disappeared for days.”
“I had—Blast it, Annalise! I had business to attend to. I had issues to take care of. I was captured by bandits and went through hell as a result, and I need to find the people responsible!”
“And I am not saying you don’t have things to worry about. I just wish you’d share them with me. How am I to guess what you are up to all day? You keep saying no past, but I cannot ignore the past when the present is following the same pattern. I am sorry, but I cannot trust you. And without trust, what is left?”
Blake swallowed. “What about love?”
Annalise took a few deep breaths. “I do not think love is enough anymore.”
Blake blinked. “Just like that, you are willing to discard everything that happened between us in the past month because of the last two days?”
“No, Blake. Not just two days. Two years. The past does exist, no matter how much you try to pretend it doesn’t. You went back to being the sweet and considerate Blake for one minute, and you expect me to be the same gullible and naïve, starry-eyed Annalise. Well, she’s not here anymore. I’ve changed. I know you went through a lot after your disappearance, but so have I. And shouldn’t we at least try to share our experiences with each other?”
“You don’t want to know the details.”
“How in the world do you know what I want?” Annalise cried in desperation. “You have this twisted idea that you know what’s best for me, and you’re wrong. You’ve always been wrong. And the sad part is you can’t even see that. Getting back to what things were like before our marriage is not going to help. Because that courtship was just an illusion. It was comprised of-of these few magical moments that led me to believe I was in love with you when all along I never knew who you really were.” She paused and looked away. “I still don’t.”
Blake, who stood frozen, watching her all this time with a wide-eyed stare, expelled a frustrated breath. “Yes, you are right. I’ve failed in our relationship. I failed you. Twice in as many years. I want to be the husband you deserve, but for the life of me, I don’t know what that is. I wish you could just tell me what to do.” He turned to her then, such vulnerability in his eyes that her heart squeezed.
“I already did,” she said softly. “You just don’t seem to be listening.”
Blake raked his hands through his locks. “I want you, Annalise. I need you. I love you. And I’ll do whatever you ask of me.”
Annalise swallowed. Blake hadn’t said he loved her since the day he proposed. It was the first and the last time he ever said that to her. Before now.
“I see that you need me,” she said. “I do. But need is selfish. You’re asking everything of me without offering anything in return, and this is not love. Because love is never selfish.”
“No? Then how come you are the one being selfish now? How come you’re refusing to help me when I ask you to?”
“Because love is not destructive, either. And whatever this is between us, it is killing me. I cannot risk falling into the same trap twice. I’ve loved you before, and it brought me nothing but misery. I’d rather not go through that again.”
“So that’s it then? You are not even going to try?”
“I was trying. I was. I stayed with you during the past month, didn’t I? I went to balls and soirees and the theater with you. I played the perfect wife. I granted you access to my bedroom. I did everything you’ve asked of me.”
“And it’s been perfect, hasn’t it?”
“It has been perfect. A perfect courtship,” she said quietly. “But courtship was never our problem. Our problems started with our marriage. And as the time has shown, our marriage hasn’t changed either.”
“I changed.”
“Because of your disappearance. But what happens when your guilt and your trauma wears off? What happens when you get bored of me again? The mistrust, the secrecy is still all there at the core of our relationship. Which means once this period of courtship is over, we shall go back to the marriage we’ve had, and I can’t do that anymore. And I can’t expect you to get captured for two years every time to change your mind again.”
“What are you saying?”
“I am saying that another two months, or two years, won’t change anything. The girl who was in love with you is gone. And the man she was in love with never existed.”
“You’ve made up your mind, then. Is that it? You don’t want to wait until the end of our bargain. You just want to leave.”
“Yes, Blake. You and I seem to want different things. You want adventure and courtship. And I… I wanted a family, someone to rely on… a babe.”
“A babe?” He scoffed. “So letting me into your bed wasn’t even about us, or passion. It was about a babe? Well, then I am glad you didn’t get it,” he spat.
Annalise’s mouth slacked open. Her eyes burned, and she was short of breath. Did he really say that?
“Are you?” She paused and took a deep breath. “Well, then, you’ll also be glad to know that I was with child. Do you remember our wedding night? The night you came in foxed and took me without gentleness? Well, it resulted in a babe. Or rather it didn’t.” Annalise’s voice turned hoarse, and tears streamed down her face. Blake stood frozen in place, his face a grimace of horror. “So you can rejoice in that too.”
“Annalise.” Blake made a step closer, but Annalise shook her head, stepping away.
“Because the moment I was notified of your death, I lost the babe. I lost everything that night. You, my social position, my place in the world, and more importantly, our babe. So, yes, you took everything from me without giving anything back. And I don’t think I have anything left to give.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Blake’s voice was hoarse.
“You didn’t want to know. Didn’t you say no past?”
“I just meant my past, not yours.”
Annalise upturned her face. “And isn’t the loss of our babe your past too?” Annalise took a deep breath to regulate her heartbeat. Her face felt puffy under her fingers; her eyes were probably red.
“You should have told me.”
“And you should have asked. About anything. You knew that I spent over a year without you. Why did you never ask how that time was for me? Because it wasn’t pleasant. You thought I was in love with Kensington? Well, no. But he found out about the babe and offered me the protection of his name. When I lost the babe, he offered me his title. What did you ever offer me but misery?” She took off her necklace and placed it on the table. “These gifts, the flowers, and the courtship mean nothing if there’s no marriage beyond. Your words mean nothing if there’s no action to prove their worth.”
Blake took a step toward her, but she stood and walked to stand behind the desk, as far away from him as she could.
Blake raked his hand through his hair. “I shall not let you go this easily. If you want a child, then you’ll have one. Until you do, you’ll stay by my side.”
He stood motionless for what seemed like forever. Annalise didn’t dare look at him. She knew he wouldn’t let her leave easily; she knew he wouldn’t listen to her concerns. He hadn’t changed. Just as she thought. At least not where it mattered.
Chapter 18
Blake stood in the ballroom sipping punch, watching as happy couples danced around the dancefloor. Just a few minutes ago, he had been building dreams of always having Annalise on his arm, of hosting events such as this every year with her by his side.
Now he knew he wouldn’t have that. He’d ruined it all.
She had lost their babe. And he wasn’t there when it happened. Hell, he hadn’t even been curious enough to ask. Surely he knew where babes came from. He’d just tried to push down the memories of their wedding night and move on. He was running from the past and not only his own, he realized, but theirs too. Because as lucky as he’d been to win Annalise’s heart, he was the arse who’d smashed it instead of keeping it safe.
I guess I owe Kensington gratitude, after all. He snorted.
“The wine not to your liking, my lord?”
Blake turned to the owner of the voice only to see Annalise’s friend, Lady Lavinia, standing by his side but staring ahead, watching the couples dance.
“It isn’t wine, my lady.” He inclined his head. “Perhaps that’s the issue.”
“I find the punch quite pleasing,” she said.
Blake just grunted in answer.
“I apologize in advance for overstepping my bounds, but I came to offer you a piece of advice.”
Blake turned and studied her curiously. “What advice could you possibly offer me?”
“To treat your wife with more care.”
“With all due respect, Lady Lavinia, the relationship between me and my wife is none of your concern.”
“But it is,” she said firmly.
“I don’t see how.”
“I am her childhood friend. Every sleepless night Annalise spent waiting for you, every day she cried because of you, I was there to pick up the pieces of her shattered soul and comfort her.”
“That was before.”
“Then what was tonight?”
Blake fisted his hands at his sides.
“You keep saying you’ve changed, and yet Annalise is crying in another room because of you. Again. You say you are not selfish anymore, and yet you put your ego ahead of her feelings, her wants, once again. You say you want her to be happy, and yet, she is miserable. I am afraid your actions speak volumes higher than your words.”
Blake stared ahead. “I am prepared to do anything to make her happy.”
“Anything?” she asked, with a strange lilt to her voice. “Then prove it. For once, put her wants ahead of your own.” Lady Lavinia took a sip of her drink and performed a perfect curtsy. “My Lord.”
She walked away, but the weight of her words would forever stay with Blake.
You say you want her to be happy, and yet, she is miserable. I am afraid your actions speak volumes higher than your words. The words rang in his mind. Hadn’t Annalise said something similar?
What a fucking hypocrite he was. And a daft one at that. He turned on his heel and stalked toward the exit. He needed to see his wife.
* * *
Blake entered the shadowy study. Annalise sat at the desk, her gaze distant. Her golden locks were elaborately gathered on her head, but he’d rather see them loose. Just one more time.
He peered into her face, trying to remember every line of her lovely features. She raised her head. Her beautiful blue eyes stared back at him, so vulnerable and full of hurt. Her rosy lips were pursed sternly.
Blake stood staring at Annalise, etching her likeness into his mind. They should have made a portrait together upon his return. Hell, just her portrait would do. He’d hang it on his bedroom ceiling to stare into her eyes every night.
If he didn’t let her go now, she would never trust him again. If he did, there was no guarantee she’d ever return.
Love is never selfish, she’d said just a few minutes ago. Had he always been this selfish? Had he ever considered what she wanted, truly?
Blake scrubbed his face with his hands. If he let her go now, he might never see her again. But if that was what she needed to be happy, then he would do it.
“I am releasing you from our deal,” he said hoarsely. “You can leave if that’s what you want.”
Annalise’s eyes widened for a moment, and her lips parted. She didn’t expect him to comply, he realized.
“I shall put a large sum of money into your separate account. You will be free to do as you like.” He took a deep breath. “I shall ask for the carriage to be prepared for you when you’re ready, but I insist on sending at least four footmen with you for your safety. When would you like to leave?”
“Come morning.” Annalise’s voice was quiet but firm.
“The ball is going to last until morning. Perhaps you’d want to rest—”
“I want to leave in the morning, Blake.”
Blake took a deep breath and nodded. “If that’s what you want. The carriage will be ready in the morn.”
There was a long pause while Blake stood still, devouring her form, memorizing every line of her face. He wished he could bottle up and keep her voice too. He would play it every night before sleep. She loved to play the pianoforte, but her voice was the sweetest music for his ears.
Annalise sat there simply watching him, too. Was she also trying to memorize him, or was she waiting for something?
Finally, Annalise licked her lips and said, “Thank you.”
Then she stood, walked past him, and left the room.
The Wedding Day
Autumn 1739
Lavinia stood in front of Annalise, looking at her with unconcealed awe.
“You are breathtakingly gorgeous,” she said.
“Thank you, dear. And incredibly happy. I am so lucky, Lavinia, to find the gentleman I have been dreaming of.”
Lavinia clapped her hands in delight. “I am so happy for you.”
“It shall happen to you too.” Annalise smiled. She perched herself on the bed and petted the coverlet next to her. “Come, sit for a moment.”
As Lavinia did, Annalise took a small pouch out of her pocket. “I got this for him as a gift,” she said with a smile and extended the pouch to Lavinia.
Lavinia peeked inside and fished out a silver locket. She opened it and beheld Annalise’s miniature. “It’s beautiful.”
“I spent hours sitting for that.” Annalise took the gift back and store it in her pocket. “I hope he likes it.”
“He will love it. Now he will always have you by his side.”
Annalise looked up. “Do you remember that night at our house many summers ago? You came to my garret as you always did after our bedtime, and we made a wish under a full moon?”
“We wrote down our perfect men and burned those wishes over the candle,” Lavinia said.
Annalise giggled. “Yes.”
“Is Lord Moore that gentleman you wished for?”
“Yes. I think he truly is.” Annalise wiped her eyes. “Oh, look at me, I am tearing up!”
Lavinia handed her a handkerchief and wiped her own eyes.
“Your wish will also come true. I am certain of it.”
Lavinia gave her a lopsided smile. “I wished for Dane, if you remember. I do not think I am going to get him. Besides, it was just a childish infatuation. It shall pass.”
The door opened then, and Annalise’s mother entered.
“Lavinia, be a dear and leave me and my daughter alone. There are some things I need to tell her of the wedding night.”
Lavinia pursed her lips in compressed laughter, and Annalise mirrored the action. They were both ignorant of matters concerning the marital bed and both curious to find out what it entailed.
As Lavinia left the room, Annalise’s mother entered and perched herself on the bed, where Lavinia sat just a moment ago.
“I suppose it is time for me to tell you the truth about what’s awaiting you in married life. You’ve been stubborn, scandalously so, in choosing your husband, and we’ve had no choice but to honor your wish lest you humiliate us with an elopement. You haven’t listened to me or your father
thus far, but I hope you will listen now.”
Annalise raised her brow. This was most ominous for the beginning of a lecture about married life.
“Gentlemen like Lord Moore—young, soon to be titled, energetic—they are never faithful to their wives. They are persistent in using their right to your marriage bed, and when they tire of you, they move on to their mistresses.”
“That won’t happen to me,” Annalise said with certainty.
“So naïve, my dear. We wanted to marry you to patient, quiet Norfolk, but you rebelled. Lord Moore’s scandalous pursuits are talked about throughout the high society. He drinks, he gambles, he chases after every light skirt in the vicinity, just like his father used to do. He is young and strong, so he will be demanding of you.”
“Blake is strong, you are right, yet he’s gentle. He is nothing like you describe. And he is nothing like his father. We shall be happy together. You will soon see it for yourself.”
Her mother smiled. “They are all gentle until the wedding day. Then they either turn into beasts or ignore you for the rest of your life. I suppose the latter is the better of the two.” She shrugged. “But do not worry, dear; you will soon see it for yourself.”
Chapter 19
Annalise wiped a stray tear off her face and looked out the window. The London scenery changed to that of open fields, making Annalise feel free and suffocated at the same time. Had she thought this was how her life would turn out when she’d married Blake?
Of course not. She’d imagined she’d be forever happy with a perfect man. Who would have thought that her mother would turn out to be correct—the woman who had never hidden her own liaisons and who had never cared about Annalise.
Annalise put a hand to her abdomen, and her heart squeezed. She would never have the honor of holding her own child in her arms.
There was a rattle in the basket next to her, and Annalise slightly lifted the lid, peering inside. Glowing green eyes met hers as if begging to be let out.
“I’m sorry, Miss Gale,” Annalise crooned. “I can’t let you out, lest you hurt yourself.”
