by Joyce Meyer
“Deep Thinking”
I was just such a “deep thinker.” The problem with it is that a deep thinker never gets to enjoy life.
There are a lot of things in this life you and I are never going to figure out no matter how long and hard we try. We need to retire from self-care and learn to let God do what He wants to do for us and with us in the life He has given us.
Those like me who have been abused in one way or another spend so much of their time trying to avoid being hurt again they neglect other things like building strong, healthy relationships. The fact is, none of us is ever going to have a good relationship with anyone without running the risk of getting hurt.
I love my husband, and as far as I am concerned he is the best husband in the world. But he still hurts my feelings from time to time, just as I hurt his. Sometimes he is not as sensitive as I would like him to be, but then neither am I as patient and understanding as I would like to be.
You and I cannot go through life building walls to protect ourselves from getting hurt by others. When we do that, what we are saying is, “I am not letting you back into my life. I am just going to wall you out.” But we must remember that when we wall others out, we also wall ourselves in. We end up living in a prison of our own making. We may be insulated (we think) from being hurt, but we are also insulated from enjoying life and love as we should.
If we insulate ourselves against the rest of the world to protect ourselves from getting hurt, we suffer the pain of loneliness and isolation, as well as the pain of fear.
The walls in our lives must come down, just like the walls of Jericho had to come down so that the Children of Israel could enter in and enjoy their inheritance from the Lord.
Part of tearing down the walls is giving up the endless pursuit of perfection, in ourselves and in others. We must stop trying to make ourselves and everyone else over into our “perception of perfection.”
People who have been hurt are always looking for the perfect mate, the perfect children, the perfect house, the perfect neighborhood, the perfect church and pastor, and on and on.
As long as we are in these fleshly bodies we will not find the perfection we are seeking in this life. All of that is part of the emotional ashes we are holding onto and need to give up in order to live in the fullness, abundance, and freedom God intended for us from the beginning.
Rebllion
… rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft, and stubbornness is as idolatry. … 1 Samuel 15:23
We have seen how abuse affects the mind, but what about the will?
I believe a great deal of rebellion comes from abuse. When a person has been repeatedly hurt by others, there usually comes a time when he makes up his mind, “Nobody is ever going to push me around again. As long as I live, nobody is going to tell me what to do. Why should I submit to somebody I can't trust to do what's best for me? From now on, I'm going to look out for myself and make my own decisions.”
So the end result of abuse is often willfulness, stubbornness, and rebellion.
I know from my own bitter experience that being subjected to continual abuse has a lasting effect on a strong-willed person. It was a nightmare for someone of my personality type to be controlled and manipulated for years on end. In my case, the Lord used that experience to make me strong for ministry so that I could help others caught in the same type of situation.
The sad thing is that once people do manage to escape from such an abusive environment, the effects of that abuse do not suddenly end. Many times hurting, wounded people are drawn to other hurting, wounded people. Victims of long-term abuse often marry other such victims. The result is that they end up hurting and wounding each other. Their children pick up the tendency to abuse and pass it on from one generation to the next. The abusive tendency will go on until someone draws the bloodline of Jesus and boldly declares, “That's enough! This curse of abuse is not going any further! It is stopping right here!”
When a decision such as this is made, the will is being used in the way God designed — to choose to follow Him and His way rather than mindlessly following after feelings and emotions.
The Mouth as an Expression of the Soul
If anyone thinks himself to be religious (piously observant of the external duties of his faith) and does not bridle his tongue but deludes his own heart, this person's religious service is worthless (futile, barren). James 1:26
For those of us who are born again, the Lord Jesus Christ has done a wonderful thing. He has offered Himself to redeem our soul as well as our body and our spirit.
As we have noted, our soul is comprised of our mind, will, and emotions. Therefore in order to appropriate the full blessing Jesus has purchased for us, we need to understand each of these three vital aspects of our being.
To aid others in this area, my teaching library contains a four-part cassette album (“The Soul” from the “Spirit, Soul, Body” series) on the soul and its three components — plus the mouth, which is the verbal expression of the soul.
Until the mouth is brought under control and submitted to the Lord, it cannot be said that the soul — the mind, the will, and the emotions — is fully redeemed and restored.
Submission as power Under Control
Be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ (the Messiah, the Anointed One). Ephesians 5:21
When I really started studying the Word of God, the Lord began to deal with me about my willful, stubborn attitude, especially in the area of submission to authority.
After a time He began really pressing me about the issue. If you are as thick-headed as I was, you know that sometimes He has to get very serious with us, as He finally did with me.
One morning as I sat in my pajamas praying for my ministry to grow, the Lord spoke to me and said: “Joyce, I really can't do anything else in your ministry until you do what I have told you to do concerning your husband. You are not showing him proper respect. You argue with him over minor details, things you should just let go and drop. You have a willful, stubborn, rebellious attitude. I have dealt with you about it over and over again, but you just refuse to listen.”
Many of us have this problem. We think we are being obedient to the Word of God, so we wonder why we are not living in the covenant blessings promised us in it. As we have seen, it is not enough just to read the Word, or even to learn it and confess it. We have to be doers of the Word. It is in the doing that the blessings are released.
I was having problems being submissive because I had such a strong will, which was the result of having been abused as a child.
Let me give you an example.
One morning I got up and went to take a shower in the new bathroom Dave had just installed off our master bedroom. Since he had not yet put up a towel rack, I laid my towel on the toilet seat and started to step into the shower.
Dave saw what I was doing and asked me, “Why did you put your towel there?”
Right away I could feel my emotions getting stirred up.
“What's wrong with putting it there?” I asked in a sarcastic tone.
As an engineer, Dave answered with typical mathematical logic. “Well, since we don't have a floor mat yet, if you put your towel in front of the shower door, when you get out you won't drip water on the carpet while reaching for it.”
“Well, what difference would it make if I did get a little water on the carpet?” I asked in a huff.
Sensing the mood I was in, Dave just gave up, shrugged his shoulders, and went on his way.
As it turned out, I did what Dave had suggested, but I did it by angrily slamming the towel onto the floor. I did the right thing, but I did it in the wrong attitude.
God wants us to get to the point of doing the right thing with the right attitude.
As I stepped into the shower after throwing my towel on the floor, I was filled with rage.
“For crying out loud,” I ranted to myself, “I can't even take a shower in peace! Why can't I do anything without somebody trying to
tell me what to do?”
In my frustration, I just went on and on.
Although I was a Christian and had been in ministry for some time, preaching to others, I myself lacked control over my own mind, will, or emotions. It was three full days before my soul calmed down enough for me to get victory over that bath towel!
What I was lacking in those early days is what many in the Body of Christ lack today: emotional balance and stability.
Emotional Balance and Stability
The development of balance and stability is a part of the restoration of the emotions.
When a person is abused or suffers from feelings of loss, inadequacy, guilt, or failure, not only are his mind and will affected, but also his emotions. But thank God, Jesus came to heal those emotions.
I used to be very unstable emotionally. I would wake up one morning and be all excited because of something I was going to do that day. The next morning I would wake up in the depths of depression because I had nothing to look forward to. Up and down my emotions would go from day to day, hour to hour, or even minute to minute depending on my changing mood.
My husband might come home one day, and I would run to him, throw my arms around him, and kiss and hug him. The next day he might walk in, and I would be ready to throw something at him. Most of the time my reaction had nothing to do with anything he had done or failed to do. It was all determined by my own emotional state.
Even if you have never been as abused or as mentally and emotionally unstable as I was, all of us have need of continual restoration in order to maintain proper balance and stability in our lives.
Whatever your past experiences or present circumstances, submit your mind, will, and emotions to the Lord and allow Him to bring wholeness and health to them so that you can fulfill the good plan He has had for you since before you were born.
8
Rooted in Shame
If you know anything at all about gardening, you know that a bitter root produces bitter fruit.
If you have problems in your attitude, behavior, and relationships with others, it is likely a symptom of a deeper problem.
When I was eighteen, I walked away from an abusive situation. I thought since I had physically left behind what was causing me such misery, it would no longer have the power to affect me. But I soon learned that although I did not actually have it in my life anymore, it had me.
Although my outward environment had changed, inside I, myself, had not changed. Even though I was born again and had become a new creation in Christ, in my soul I was still rooted in shame.
A New Creation With Old Roots
Therefore if any person is [ingrafted] in Christ (the Messiah) he is a new creation (a new creature altogether); the old [previous moral and spiritual condition] has passed away. Behold, the fresh and new has come! 2 Corinthians 5:17
Some people say, “Since I have been born again, I am a new creation in Christ. Don't bother me with anything about the past because I don't want to hear it. I am dead to all of that. It doesn't affect me any more.”
I too have been born again. I too have been made a new creation in Christ. I too believe what the Apostle Paul was telling us here in this verse. But I also think we need to know what it means as well as what it says.
In order to fully understand what Paul is saying in this verse, I began to study it specifically for this presentation. When I looked up the Greek word translated new, I found that it can refer to something consecrated or dedicated for a new or different use.1
When you and I are born again, God consecrates or dedicates us to a new and different use, the one for which we were intended in the first place. We might say that we get a fresh new opportunity of service.
When Christ comes to live inside of us, an imperishable Seed is planted within us. Everything we need to be completely healthy and whole is in Him. And if it is in Him, then it is in us. But it is in seed form, and seeds have to be watered and nourished in order to grow and produce fruit.
Two people can be born again at the same time; one will produce great fruit, while the other will produce nothing at all. The reason is that one waters and nourishes the seed planted within him, and the other doesn't.
Why is it that ten years after escaping from the same abusive environment, one person is walking in victory, while the other has made no progress at all? The reason is, one has done what he was supposed to do, and the other has not.
You and I may be born again, but if we do not read and study the Word of God and become doers of it, we will never enjoy all the good things that God intends for us to have. Unless we are obedient to God's Word, the Word will not have any lasting effect upon us.
I was born again. I was a new creation in Christ. I had been given a fresh new opportunity to live for the Lord and produce much good fruit. But instead I was producing rotten fruit. Why? Because although the seed in me was good, the roots were bad.
I was a controller and a manipulator. I was out of control emotionally. I was depressed. I had mood swings. I had a bad attitude, a horrible self-image, and low self-esteem. I didn't like myself or anybody else.
But all of that was not because I wasn't born again or because I had not been given a fresh new opportunity to fulfill God's good plan for my life. The reason was that although I was a new creation spiritually, my soul was still far from being changed.
The sad thing is that I knew how I was. I just didn't know why I was that way. I loved God and did not want to displease Him. I loved my husband and did not want to be mean, harsh, or disrespectful to him. I would have loved to be a sweet, gentle, kind, tender, loving wife.
I even agonized over my problem, asking God, “Lord, what's wrong with me?” But no matter how hard I tried to change on the outside and become a sweet-smelling savor to the Lord, on the inside I was filled with rotten fruit that gave off an offensive odor to everyone with whom I came in contact. Although I wanted to be a tree that produced good fruit, I could not do so because I had within me a root of bitterness. And a bitter root always produces bitter fruit.
The Bad Tree
For each tree is known and identified by its own fruit; for figs are not gathered from thorn-bushes, nor is a cluster of grapes picked from a bramblebush.
The upright (honorable, intrinsically good) man out of the good treasure [stored] in his heart produces what is upright (honorable and intrinsically good), and the evil man out of the evil storehouse brings forth that which is depraved (wicked and intrinsically evil); for out of the abundance (overflow) of the heart his mouth speaks. Luke 6:44,45
Imagine a tree with its roots, trunk, and branches. Imagine it is a fruit tree in the process of bearing fruit.
Jesus said every tree is known and identified by its fruit. Imagine you are looking at a fruit tree depicting all the bad things produced in the life of an emotionally disturbed individual. If you look at the roots of that tree you will see things like rejection, abuse, guilt, negativism, and shame.
If you have a problem with any of these things in your life, the reason is they are the bitter fruit of what has been rooted into your thinking. You may be the product of improper mirroring and imaging by your parents and others. That is, you may be suffering because of the bad example to which you were exposed continually in your earlier years.
If you were told over and over in your youth by parents, teachers, or other authority figures you were no good, there was something wrong with you, you couldn't do anything right, you were worthless and would never amount to anything, you may have begun to believe it. Satan may have reinforced that message by repeating it in your mind again and again until it became part of your self-image so that you actually became on the outside the way you envisioned yourself on the inside.
It has been proven that if people believe something about themselves strongly enough, they will actually begin to behave the way they perceive themselves to be. What is happening is that the roots of that bad tree imagined in the mind are producing the bad fruit that grew from
it.
One of the bad fruits of the bad tree is shame.
Normal Shame and Rooted Shame
My dishonor is before me all day long, and shame has covered my face. Psalm 44:15
If you are rooted in shame, then you need to be aware that shame is different from guilt, another of the roots of the bad fruit tree you imagined. There is also a difference between normal shame and rooted shame.
For example, if I knock over my water glass in a fancy restaurant, I feel ashamed or embarrassed because I have made a mess in front of everybody. That's normal. But I soon adjust to the mishap and go on. That incident does not mar my life.
In the Garden of Eden after the fall, Adam and Eve were ashamed when they realized they were naked, and so they made aprons of fig leaves to cover themselves. But that too was a normal reaction.
When you and I make mistakes or commit sin, we feel bad about it for a while until we repent and are forgiven. Then we are able to put it behind us and go on without any lasting harm.
But when an individual is rooted in shame, it affects his entire life. He is not just ashamed of what he has done, he is ashamed of who he is.
For example, if a child is sexually abused by her father, at first she may be ashamed of what is happening to her. But if it continues over a period of time, a transition will start to take place. She will begin to internalize that traumatic situation and become not only ashamed of what is happening to her but also ashamed of herself.
She may begin to ask, “What's wrong with me that makes my father do that? What is the flaw in me that causes him to treat me that way?”
