by Anna Bloom
She nodded; her gaze guarded.
“So, you coming?”
“Maybe.”
I’d take a maybe.
“Meet you at eight.” I tried to stop the words coming out of my mouth. If I met her it would make this something else. I’d be weighing a level of expectation on the friendship that I didn’t know I should rightfully give. After all, I wasn’t free to stand outside a door and walk her to the bar.
I’d do it anyway, scumbag idiot that I was.
“Eight.” She nodded and I patted the study desk and turned away.
“You’ve got it bad.” Scott waited for me by the door. He didn’t want to venture onto the floor with ‘the books in it’ in case it gave him a dose of ‘loserism’.
“I haven’t got anything bad.” I focused on jabbing my finger on the button for the only lift, but when it didn’t come, I nodded to the stairwell. “Let’s run.”
The five flights down were easy. Conversation dodging not so much.
“So, Ronnie, huh? Personally, I think Ange is hotter. She’s keen too. Mark Abrahams said she gave him a BJ the other night when they’d only been comparing two novels together.”
I held in my shudder. I knew that Ronnie hadn’t made a vast number of friends, but Ange… she just made me uneasy.
“Ronnie and I are just mates.” Her name thrilled me, dangerous and futile.
We walked along campus, him making small talk, mainly about the team we’d both got into, filling the conversation; me thinking about the blonde in the library.
Close to the dorm where he lived on a different floor, I hesitated by the payphone inside the entrance. There was no one hunched over the handset, whispering into the black plastic, and time ticked me closer to the hour I dreaded.
“See ya, I’ve got calls to make.”
Scott smirked. “You spend far too long talking to your ‘Mammy.’”
“Fuck off.” I zapped him the finger and then turned, hunkering down over the unit on the wall. Shoving some coins in, keeping enough back so I could get the bus later and make sure Ronnie got home safe, I jabbed at the buttons and waited for it to connect.
“Julie. Floor eight, room ten,” I grunted when the call got picked up.
A loud crash as the handset must have got dropped made me wince and pull the handset away from my ear.
I waited, watching the numbers tick down until feet echoed at the other end. “Matty?”
Try as I might I couldn’t hold in my wince. “Hey, babe.”
Tell her it's over… tell her…
“How’s it going?” she asked. The phone crackled. She must have been holding it tight. “I miss you so much, my little teddy bear.”
I laughed; she didn’t need to know my stomach chilled with ice. “I’m too big to be a teddy bear,” I whispered, less anyone else heard my conversation.
“You’ll always be my cutesy little teddy bear.”
No answer existed, so I cleared my throat. “How are lectures?”
“Boring. I should have let Daddy send me to finishing school instead.”
“We’ve been through this. Your dad said you should study business so you could take over from him.”
“But I don’t need to. You can do that. I’ll just look pretty on your arm.”
I caught sight of myself in the refection of a framed poster. A stranger stared back at me.
“Julie, I’m studying art. I don’t think I’m going to be taking over McStandish Corporate anytime soon.”
“Are you going be a greengrocer instead, like your daddy?”
“He’s my dad,” I snapped. “Why do you insist on calling them daddy? It sounds wrong.”
She laughed, high pitched. “Calm down, Matty.” I ground my teeth together. “You don’t need to worry about being a grocer. I’ve got plans for you.”
“I don’t need you to have plans for me, Julie. I’m not embarrassed about my dad.”
“Maybe you should be. My daddy says he’s seen the figures for Carling Savers. It’s going down the pan, Matty.”
“What?” I struggled to breathe. “It can’t be. That’s my dad’s life.”
“Well…” A call from the other end interrupted her. “I’m coming,” she shouted back. “I’ve got to go. I’ll see you next week, yes? Can’t wait. I’ve missed you.”
I sagged, my shoulders dropping so low I didn’t know if I’d lift them again. “Next week?”
“Yes, it’s the first of November. Remember, I’m coming to you?”
I breathed out low and steady. “Yeah, I remember.”
“Can’t wait to meet your friends, Matty.”
“Sure, sure.” The phone started to beep. “My money’s running out.” I opened my mouth to say more, but I didn’t have any words left.
I balanced the handset back on the cradle and then leant against the wall for a moment, trying to breathe regularly. Dark clouds filled my head; suffocating, they made my chest tighten.
Four hundred miles and I still hadn’t escaped.
My hands curled into tight fists and I breathed slowly, pushing for a relief from the tension. I'd been fighting this since I’d arrived in Kingston. I’d fought the clouds, ominous and never ending, then one phone call…
Absently, I glanced through the glass entrance to the building, a flash of blonde catching my attention. My heart skipped a beat, my pulse uneven.
Shit.
I’d created a mess.
I should fix it. Should tell Ronnie the truth.
Tonight. Tonight, I would. I’d tell her about home, about Julie, and I’d tell her that as crazy as it was, right now she provided the ray of sunshine that I needed to beat the clouds.
Maybe she’d understand…
Maybe.
Announcements
Ronnie
“Oooh, a blended family.” Natalie, my receptionist, PA, and general office flapper sucked air in through her teeth.
“Hardly a blended family. I’ve met his children once, and he hasn’t met Hannah at all apart from for three minutes last week. Or my mum for that matter.”
Ma had been absent this morning. I think I could count the times I’d clattered down the stairs late for work and she hadn’t been at the kitchen table. Twice maybe.
“Blended families are all the rage, Ron. I think you are hitting a trend.”
I shook my head and raised a practiced eyebrow at her long, diamond-patterned legs which hung off the side of my desk. “It’s not a fashion statement, Natalie.”
“He is very hot though. You do know you are going to be fighting women off your entire life? Like until the day you die, you will be waving a stick at all the women who want to take your place.”
“Oh my god. That’s enough. Right, do some work.”
“Can’t, there isn’t anything to do.”
“Didn't Fred give you new designs to load onto the website?”
“Fred is sulking.”
“What? Why?”
“Do I have to spell it out?” Natalie puckered her ruby red lips at me and rolled her eyes behind her sexy secretary style glasses.
My own glasses hung around my neck on a rope attached to the arms, like a librarian waiting out retirement.
“Oh shush... okay go and cold call.”
“Who?”
“Anyone. The Queen? I don’t care. Just leave my office.”
She peeled herself off my desk and walked for the door. “Are you always going to be this moody after a night away? I’ll order in some extra strong coffee or Valium.”
“Sod off.”
After she’d gone, I sat back in my Big Boss Chair as Fred called it. He wasn’t really sulking, was he?
I thought back over the three years we’d worked together, scanning my memory for any indication I might have ever given him that I would be interested in him in anyway other than employer/employee.
He was a good guy though, and I hadn’t been exaggerating when I’d sung his praises to Matthew.
Mm Mat
thew.
On a distracted mission of little sense, I clicked on Facebook only to find that in all the thousands of Matthew Carlings listed, mine no longer existed.
For a crushing moment it was as though the last week-and-a-half hadn’t happened.
No, it had. My thighs ached when I pushed them together, a good ache, nice; a little bit naughty.
Sliding my phone across my desk, I went to type him a message on Messenger before realising that he wouldn’t be on there either.
Oh.
My chest tightened and I breathed deep: one, two, three.
I had no way to contact him. What if I lost him again?
What if he'd taken his kids to school this morning, seen Julie and decided he preferred his old life without the need to blend families?
On automatic pilot, I went to ring Ange, but I stopped myself before I hit call. I couldn’t be sure her advice was solid anymore.
Okay. Let’s not panic.
No really let’s.
The phone rang on my desk and through the glass partition of the office, Natalie waved at me to pick up.
“Yes?”
“Call from a sexy Scot.”
“That’s not professional. Liam Carling is a prospective clie—”
“Just putting him through.” She gave me a cheery wave through the glass.
I glared at her as I soothed, “Mr Carling?” down the line.
There was a pause. “Any chance you can say that in the bedroom? It’s got a nice ring to it.”
“Oh.” Air pushed out of my lungs. “Matthew.”
“You sound surprised.”
Really stupid panicked tears prickled my eyes. “I went to send you a message on Messenger, but you’d gone.”
Another pause. “Truth is I hate social media. I only set up an account to break the ice with you.”
I scrunched my face. My panic subsiding like a swell in a storm that petered before it hit land. “Your plan wasn’t very convincing by the way. Hi.” I chuckled, remembering his one-word message. Hi.
“I know. I’m a rude arsehole.”
“You never used to be. I don’t believe you really are.”
He gave a dry laugh. “I shall hope you continue to live with blind faith.”
“I don’t have your phone number.” I shifted in my seat trying to not let my inner demons stop me from speaking out. We’d pushed past this now. I had to keep pushing and never stop.
“I know. I realised about ten minutes ago, hence why I’m calling your office.” His voice rumbled on the line and I knew I’d never grow tired of hearing it. “Have you got a pen?”
Everyone knows the moment you are asked if you have a pen, they all disappear by magic.
“Bollocks.” I waved through the window and shouted, “Pen,” while covering the mouthpiece so I didn’t explode his eardrums to smithereens.
A dark shape moved by the reception door and Natalie grinned so wide she looked like she might pass out. I stared for a moment making sense of the view.
“What are you doing here?”
Matthew stretched out his arm and looked at his watch. “Taking you for lunch. I’ve got two hours until my flight back.”
“Wha—” my heard whirled. “You flew all this way just to take me to lunch?”
Behind where he stood in the doorway, Natalie resembled an overexcited child at a birthday party as she bounced her feet up and down.
Matthew didn’t take his eyes off my face. “The weekend seemed too far away.”
A heavy weight pressed on my chest. “Haven’t you got a business to get up and running?”
The glint in his eyes made my thighs ache again. “Told you. I need one on one time with my consultant.”
I stood from my chair and marched for the door, edging around his broad shape.
“Everyone, lunch, now.”
Natalie’s mouth fell open. “But you said I had too—”
“Out! Lunch. Stewart,” I yelled for the finance manager. I say manager, what I meant was finance guy. He was his own team.
“Take everyone to lunch please, my treat.”
“But...” he came out from his cubicle rubbing his nose and repositioning his glasses.
I went for my coat hanging on the coat stand and pulled out my purse. “Here you go. Take everyone to Cafe Rouge.”
Fred sloped out from wherever he’d been hiding and stared flat out at Matthew. “Yay, it’s Mr Personality.”
“Fred!” I gasped.
“It’s okay, Ronnie,” Matthew said stepping forward. “Fred. I apologise for being difficult last week. It was a very testing time and I wasn’t honest about my reservations for the rebrand.”
Matthew reached for me with a long arm and rubbed his hand down my back. “I thank you for the work you did for me though, and Ronnie, of course.”
Fred straightened up, but he didn’t smile.
Natalie stepped in between everyone. “Mr Carling.” She bobbed him what could only be called a curtsey and I narrowed my gaze into my most evil of stares.
“Off you all go. Everyone have fun.”
Once they’d gone, I turned to Matthew.
“I think you’ve misunderstood the concept of me coming down to take you for lunch.”
A reckless surge coursed through my veins. Matthew created a different Ronnie. A person who had never existed before, not even in the past.
“Honestly, Matthew, the least I can do is thank you for flying all this way.”
My cheeks warmed, but I met his stare. I wanted to be that ‘Ronnie’.
Tugging his hand in mine, I pulled him for my office and shut the door behind us. Still holding his hand, I closed the blinds.
He remained silent, but his fingers brushed at the edge of my hair, shooting desire straight down my spine.
“We can go out to eat, Ronnie. I just wanted to spend time with you.”
I glanced over my shoulder. His low voice made me quiver on my legs. “I know.” I motioned for my chair. “Sit.”
With a grin he sat down and watched me with an expectant gaze through thick, black eyelashes. “What am I waiting for? I’ve heard you keep a stash of chocolate bars in your drawers.”
I stood between his knees and then lowered myself down. I hadn’t done this in an age, not properly. He straightened up, reaching forward to brush his fingers along the curve of my face. “Ronnie, don’t be silly. I really did mean a sandwich.”
“I just sent all my staff to Cafe Rouge. You’re getting more than a sandwich.”
I needed to cage Teenage Porno Ronnie fast.
What the hell was that?
Since when did I do things like blow jobs in my office? That had never been a thing. Not ever.
I’d left work when Matthew went back to the airport. The fact he’d flown all that way just to see me made me smile like a lunatic. But my behaviour, what I’d done. Now he wasn’t there it rattled under my skin.
What was that?
I hunkered down in the car and waited for Hannah to come out of the gates of school. I’d texted her to say I’d be there. I wanted to talk to her and Ma, but as far as I could see she hadn’t looked at the message.
Kids spilled through the gates. I did a double take at one lad in a school uniform who had a full beard. What were they feeding them all these days? Growth hormones?
I gave a faint smile as a young couple came out clutching hands. It reminded me of Matthew and me on campus at uni. Funny how holding hands after he left never quite had the same impact.
A little dart of Paul flavoured guilt worked through my system. Just two days of being with Matthew and I already knew I’d never lived, not really. Not in that sense. I’d never given myself over with everything, no holds barred, on my knees.
The couple walked past, and I did an automatic double take. “What the fuck?” I unbuckled my belt and opened the car door, nearly face planting the door in my rush.
“Hannah?”
Her mouth fell open. The boy, holding
my baby’s hand, looked at me with wide blue eyes.
“Mum, what are you doing here?” Hannah stepped a few inches away from the boy.
“I came to give you a lift. Ugh? What are you doing?”
I eyed them both, giving him the evil glare. Is this who’d made her so angry the other week? The reason she got sent home for graffiti.
“I thought you’d be with Annabelle?”
“She’s got netball.”
“There’s a netball team?”
Hannah narrowed her gaze at me. “Yes,” she said it like she knew there wouldn’t be a right answer to give.
“Why aren’t you on it?”
The boy chuckled and punched my baby on the arm. “Han, imagine.” Then the cheek of the little shit turned to me. “She hates sport.”
Oh really. Well thank you for sharing that little nugget of information about the child I pushed out my vagina. “No? Really?”
“Hannah and PE don’t get on.”
“Oh, I didn’t know.”
He nodded and I realised my sarcasm was lost on him.
Why was he holding my baby’s hand?
“Get in the car please, Hannah.”
“Oh, but, Mum, we were going to go to the park.”
I could feel the steam beginning to build. “Go to the park to…” I waved my hand between them.
“Uh. No. Jackson’s just a friend.”
“Oh friends… friends that hold hands…” I trailed off.
Oh God no. Hannah was in the friend zone. Oh God, she really was me.
“Hannah. Please get in the car. Jackson, nice to meet you, I think.”
“Mum come on. What’s wrong with you?”
Oh, I don’t know. I gave my two-day boyfriend a blow job in the office after sending all the staff out, because apparently, I have a sick pervert locked inside me. Oh, and I just found you holding hands with a boy.
“Nothing. I’m fine.”
I forced myself to stop. Do not be your mother, Ronnie. Do not be your mother.
“Jackson, would you like to come over? Maybe I could text your mum and tell her you are staying for tea?”
“Oh my god, you are so embarrassing.” Hannah’s face flamed to the colour of Mars.
