by Anna Bloom
I folded the acceptance letter which confirmed I’d been accepted back into Kingston University and put it into my back pocket, where it would stay until I could share it with Ronnie.
I stretched my leg, the familiar aching pain twingeing and making my face fold in a wince.
“Still bad?” Ryan eyed my stretched leg.
“Getting better.” I nodded, but rather to myself. Simon, my physio, was a psychotic bastard; but he’d done what I'd asked, pushed me hard and made me get better within the quickest timeframe possible. That I could walk seemed almost a miracle to me.
That I lived to see my boys. Ronnie. Hannah, Mam. I swallowed down hard, forcing the grey clouds out of my mind. They didn’t belong on a sunny day like today.
“We were busy yesterday. Those wild strawberries from Bennet and Son’s went in an hour.
“That’s good.”
Ryan cocked a crooked grin. “You really don’t care, do you?”
My own lips curved. “I really don’t. I’m glad you’re enjoying it though.”
“Who thought I’d end up being a grocer like Dad?”
I nudged him playfully with my fist. “Just like Dad. The green and gold suits you.” I stared thoughtfully out of the window again. “I’m glad it’s staying in the family. It’s nice seeing Beth and the cousins all playing out the back the way we used to.”
“But you’re still moving to London?” A rush of adrenaline kicked me in the guts with his words and my grin stretched wide and obscene across my face.
“Yep.”
“She’s going to be hopping mad when she finds out she’s packed for nothing.”
I chuckled to myself. “It’s good. We need to throw all her old shit away. It’s time for new beginnings.”
“In her childhood home?” Ryan shot me a cocky grin. I’d been mother-in-lawed on another level. In fact, Ronnie’s mum made the McStandishs look like child’s play. I had her sussed though. She wasn’t really that different to Ronnie in many ways. Neither of them liked change.
“It’s a solid house. I always said that. Room for the boys, Hannah, what comes next.”
What did come next? I stared up at the blue sky, light clouds drifting along. What came next was utterly unexpected, but the lifeline I’d hung onto two months ago in a hospital bed when I thought for a split-second my end had come too soon. Never had I wanted to live so much. The darkness that had always been my foe had melted away as Ronnie offered me something so unexpected, so fucking perfect, that I couldn’t help but fight for it.
The future for us was bright, but to go into it with a clear conscience I needed to put the past to bed first and stop beating myself up about things I couldn’t change, wouldn’t change now even if the power was mine to do so.
“Want me to come in with you?”
“Nope.” I reached for the handle of the car door and pulled it, pushing the door open and clutching my crutch. “Wait here. I won’t be long.”
I’d called ahead so I walked into the hospital and got given my name badge, signing the visitor's book. Then I followed the nurse who adjusted her fast walk to fit in with my wonky gait. It would go, I knew that, so I didn’t let myself get cross or frustrated that I couldn’t move fast enough. Moving at all was a blessing, anything that came after that would be a bonus.
She was sitting in the corner, a splash of what looked like coffee on her grey sweatshirt. “Julie?”
She looked up at me and I barely recognised her. Dark hair—I was guessing roots weren’t an issue in the psych ward where she was spending time—no make-up. She blinked at me. “Matty?”
I sighed and sat down.
“What are you doing here?”
Surprising myself, I reached for her hand and clutched it in mine. “I’m moving the boys to London today. I wanted to come and say goodbye…” I trailed off, knowing that I needed to say the right words to be able to leave all this behind.
She nodded. “How are they?”
I smiled, my heart warming. “Happy, loud, always hungry.”
“I never wanted them you know. I only did, only had them, because I didn’t want you to leave.”
My chest stung, my breath coming in too fast. “I know.” I pulled in a breath. “I was wrong to marry you, Julie. Wrong to pretend that I could love you in the way you needed to be loved.” God, how I knew this. “But you were wrong to want me for all the wrong reasons. I was never a pet you could keep and manage. You made me believe I had no self-worth.”
“You were the prettiest boy. Daddy had to make you mine.”
“You could have killed me, Julie.”
“I wanted to. Better no one had you than her.”
“When did you know that I was in love with Ronnie?”
“The first time I came to see you on campus. I could see the way you looked at her, like she was the universe and you were a planet on her solar system.”
“I’m sorry, Julie.”
She nodded, almost blank.
My throat tightened. “I really am. I should have been stronger.”
Another nod.
“I’m going to make sure that the boys only ever know how to be their strongest version of themselves.”
“Are they going to be a greengrocer too, Matty?”
Ah, there she was. I knew I’d see her one last time.
“Julie. There is not one single thing wrong with being a greengrocer.” I grinned, the air moving swiftly through my lungs now. “But that’s not what I’m going to be. I’m going to do the one thing I always wanted.”
“Yeah,” she pushed at her lank hair, meeting my gaze. “What’s that?”
“Nineteen years and you still don’t know?”
She watched me expectantly, but I let go of her hand and stood up. “My guess is that you never will, you never saw me as anything other than a commodity you could control and own, and I was a weak fool to let you.” I took one long last glance at my biggest and bitterest mistake. “Bye, Julie. I hope you finally find happiness. Thank you for giving me the chance to start my life again.” I knew that without the car crash I would have carried on, battled with the shop, never let my dad’s ghost lie; but waking up, seeing Ronnie with tears on her cheeks, it woke me up like nothing else ever could.
She waved me away with her hand and I left without a backwards glance. The miserable chapter of my life, half of my existence now, locked in the past behind me.
Ryan started the car as I made my way back over towards him. “You survived.”
I did my seatbelt up. “Let’s go.”
“Dad, are you sure this is a good idea?” Ewan stared down the pathway to the shiny red front door.
“As sure as I’ll ever be.” I crowded the boys into my space, placing my hands firmly on their shoulders. I’d have loved to get down to their level, but you know, fucked up leg. Speed and flexibility weren’t my strong suits right now.
A flicker caught my eye from the house, and I gave a wave as both Hannah and Ma poked their head around the net curtain that would be the very first things I’d change in my new home. Hannah gave me a double thumbs up, her smile wide.
“Right then.” I stared at the door. It was only a matter of a few short steps to the threshold, but my heart pounded with every movement I made.
It seemed almost poetic that we’d end up here in the house I’d always stood outside, back when my dreams were wild and untainted by life and responsibility.
The red bricks spoke to me in a way I’d never felt in Scotland, which helped me to realise that it wasn’t where I was that was most important, but rather who I was with.
“Okay, boys. As we planned.” I marched for the red door, determination pushing my pace faster than I’d managed in a fair while. I rung my finger on the buzzer in the most obtuse way possible.
“Maaaaaaaaam.” Ronnie hollered from inside. “Dooooooooooor.”
My grin took on an epic life of its own.
I rang again.
“Maaaaaaam, I can’t ge
t up that quick.”
Another push of the buzzer and I could hear Ronnie cursing all the way down the stairs. “We are never going to get packed if you both don’t start helping me.”
I could still see Hannah and she rolled her eyes and stuck out her tongue. I wagged my head in a silent no.
Finally, the door opened, and I breathed a sigh of relief.
“Matthew?” She glanced behind me to the boys. “What are you doing here? We're supposed to be coming to you this weekend?”
“Change of plans.”
A frown creased between her brows and she automatically rubbed her belly. I reached for it too; being separate the last few weeks had been hard all round. Under my palm the gentle swell of stomach filled me an almost primeval satisfaction I didn’t know I possessed.
“We are in a mess, I’m afraid. No one is being very helpful!” She shouted this last bit in the direction of the lounge. “Anyone would think Ma wasn’t moving out.”
“Oh, I’m going.” The woman herself materialised. “There won’t be room for me anymore. Probably a good thing too.”
“I know, I know.” Ronnie rolled her eyes at me and I bit down on my bottom lip. “You’re going to a place with a wet room.”
“Maybe the new owners of this place will put a wet room in here too?” I took my key out of my pocket and dangled it in Ronnie’s face. “Shall we see if it fits?”
“Don’t be stupid, Matthew. What are you talking about?”
Reaching across her I slid the brass Yale key into the lock. “Perfect fit.”
Ronnie swivelled her head between me and the lock. “I’m confused.”
“The house is ours, Ronnie. All ours.”
Her mouth flapped open. “But you live in Scotland.”
“Did live in Scotland. Did, past tense.”
“But the boys…” She trailed off, her gaze falling on Jack and Ewan. “How was the end of school?”
“Fine,” they both said in unison. Jack, as planned picked up the can of lavender paint at his feet and showed it to her. “Dad says we need this.”
“I really don’t understand.” She pushed her hand through her hair, grey eyes wide.
“It’s quite simple, Ronnie.” I swept her into my arms, lifting her off her feet, breathing in the scent of her strawberry shampoo as she looped her arms around my neck. “We’re a family.”
“But… Scotland… Your family…”
“Is right here, where I need it to be. The only place I ever should have been.”
I waved the boys in and they crushed into us. Hannah sloped out of the front room, adding herself into the mix.
“But you’re a Carling.” Ronnie’s voice wobbled.
I pushed my hand into my pocket and pulled out the diamond eternity band I’d chosen. It perfectly represented the endless love Ronnie and I had maintained over the years. Maybe it wasn't the classic solitaire an engagement ring should be, but it symbolised everything about us.
“And so are you.”
A tear slid down her face.
“But…”
“No more buts, Ronnie. There’s only yes from now on for all of us. I couldn’t have survived the last two months without you, wouldn’t have wanted to. You’re the sun I need to exist, to grow and to live.”
She nodded and held out her left hand. I pulled off the shreds of cotton that represented our former life and replaced it with something far more substantial, a ring that would last even when we were old.
Epilogue
Lace and Rose
Ronnie
“Muuuuuuuum.”
I screwed my eyes shut and flung my arm across my face. “I’m not getting up. No one can make me.”
Fingers swept across my stomach, a familiar touch that I knew with more clarity than I knew anything else in my existence.
“It’s a big day.” The majors and minors rumbled together in their heavenly symphony and I pointed and stretched my toes, my insides warming.
“It is a big day, but we don’t need to start yet.” I pinged open an eye to find Matthew leaning on his elbow, his head resting on his hand.
“Are you watching me sleep?” I stretched my hands above my head, my spine creaking at the movement. Above us, sheer gauze made the canopy of a four-poster bed.
The Highland hotel was stunning. The entire thing breathtakingly beautiful. The grounds and lawn led down to the edge of a loch. It was very, very Scottish.
“I always watch you sleep.”
“I know.” I pushed him away, but it had little force behind it. “It’s weird. You’re like a stalker I can’t shake off.”
“Oh, you have no idea.” I giggled as his hand reached for my waist, pulling me into him. His strong arms wrapped around me tight, so I'd never be able to wriggle free.
His lips slanted on mine, his tongue searching into my mouth and seeking a response, which I all too willingly gave.
Our kiss stole a breathless moment from the early morning quiet.
“Muuuuuuuuuum!”
Matthew chuckled and pulled back, leaving me pouting and desperately wanting more. “Mrs Carling, I think you had better go.”
I pursed my lips. “You can’t make me.”
“Muuuuuuuuuuuum.”
“Aye, I can’t, but she can.”
“You take Poppy down to breakfast; I’ll deal with Bridezilla.”
For a moment I stared at the cotton hanging on the bed, a bubble welling in my chest. “I can’t believe my baby is getting married today.”
Matthew turned my face for his, two fingers gently guiding my chin. “She does you proud.”
“Us proud.”
For a moment we held one another’s gaze and a wordless conversation swept between us. Neither of us needed to say anything. We were together, forever, every day.
Ten years of highs and lows, but mainly highs, had given us all the things that we once had dreamed of.
“I love you, Ronnie Roo.” He pressed a kiss to the corner of my mouth.
“And I love you, my Matthew.” I watched as he stretched from the bed. Still handsome even on the way to fifty, I still caught the odd glimpse of the boy I once knew, maybe more so now he came home from work covered in paint and ink, often a forgotten pencil shoved behind his ear.
He’s the very man I once dreamed of every night.
I caught his hand and pulled him back in. His lips kissed up my throat and he lifted me from the bed.
“Liam and Ruth are having Poppy and Jack tonight. Ewan will be propping up the hotel bar all night. I promise you we are coming right back here, just the two of us.” He laughed into my neck, squeezing me extra tight. “Don’t be so greedy.”
“I’m always greedy.”
“I know.”
He deposited me on the ground and turned to pull on his clothes. Grabbing up my dressing gown, I pulled it on. The morning was still chill, which proved to me Hannah had woken us up far too early.
My daughter, the bride.
It didn’t feel real. At nearly twenty-five, she had exceeded any expectation I might have had from her.
Not only was she an amazing older sister to Poppy and the boys, but she was full of a bright and brilliant light that I wished I’d always had for myself.
No one burned as bright as my Hannah.
“For God’s sake, what have you been doing?” She demanded as I entered her room, finding Poppy already sat in a chair and having her ebony hair curled.
“Morning, daughters of mine.” Poppy grinned, all her father in looks and colourings, very much like Ewan really. “Where’s the coffee?”
“We haven’t got time for coffee!” Hannah snapped and I let out a huge groan.
She might burn bright, but hell she nagged as well. Reminded me so much of Ma it actually made tears sting my eyes.
“Coffee and then I promise to be useful.” I reached for the pot and the builder's mug already primed by its side.
Matthew
“You girls ready? There are a l
ot of guests down there and more knobbly knees in kilts than I’ve seen in a fair while.” I knocked on the door again.
I looked down at my own legs. Bloody Hannah and her love of all things Scottish.
“Nearly ready.” Poppy called through the door and I gave a rat-a-tat with my knuckles so she would open an inch.
“What’s happening in there?” I whispered as her dark blue eyes met mine through the gap.
Poppy shook her head, dark ringlets bouncing. “Mum’s crying. Again.”
“Okay, let me in.”
Poppy stood back and opened the door properly.
“Wow, Dad. Nice skirt.”
“You think?” I twirled for her. Little apple of my eye. “You wait until you see Ewan and Jack.”
Poppy idolised her older brothers, but nowhere near as much as they doted on her. Never in the history of siblings had one sister been so studiously overprotected by two brothers. I’d warned them they would make her into a wild rebel, but they weren’t heeding my advice. “You look beautiful, Pops.”
“Well, thank you.” She curtsied. “Mum looks amazing.”
“Aye, she always does.” I caught sight of her then. Strawberries and cream, just like the first time I ever saw her. Her grey eyes sought mine and she smiled at me in such a way that my heart raced a marathon all of its own. A race it would never stop running so long as I lived and breathed. “Wow.”
“You like?” She turned, her long silver dress twirling around her slender ankles.
“Very much.” I coughed to clear my throat.
Hannah stood up from the small stool in front of an ornate dressing table mirror and I struggled to swallow, my throat was so thick.
“You look so beautiful, Hannah.” I leant over to give her a kiss, smirking as she barely let me touch her, in case I smudged her make-up.
“Thanks, Dad.” She breathed out deep. “I guess it’s time.”
