Lifetime Risk

by MEGAN MATTHEWS

  My phone beeps again, alerting me I hadn’t read the text the first time — like I didn’t already know. It takes all my strength to pull myself off the floor, but I get up and go to look.

  I’m not crossing my fingers and saying a little prayer it’s Nate when I swipe the screen to read the message.

  Lies.

  And I’m not deflated when I realize it’s not.

  More lies.

  TABITHA: Stop by the bakery tomorrow.

  Even if my short relationship with Nate didn’t work out the way I wanted, at least he introduced me to Tabitha, Winnie, and Anessa. Katy too.

  ME: Will Nate be there?

  I’ve been locked away the last two days and I’m not sure what they know of Nate and my break-up situation.

  TABITHA: No, and Ridge says they have handled the situation with the storage.

  ME: Em and I will stop in the bakery tomorrow.

  It will be nice to get out and see other people again. I forgot how boring it is being locked away indoors all day.

  A knock infiltrates the quiet of my apartment and I rush to open the door so the loud banging doesn’t wake Emma. There isn’t much time for my heart to wish it’s Nate pounding on my door, but in the split second it takes me to get there, I do.

  I don’t waste a second checking the peephole because if another knock wakes Emma I’ll be furious. And if it is Nate, I don’t want to wait. There’s no reason to give him time to reconsider and run away.

  The door swings open and I have a huge smile on my face that drops the second I see who’s on the other side.

  It’s not Nate.

  14

  “Josie, can we talk?” she questions, acting as if I hate her enough to send her away.

  I should. Any woman should have the right to say no and slam the door in the face of the person who broke up her marriage. I consider doing it, but then she sniffles and runs a Kleenex underneath her eyes, smearing her mascara. It’s obvious she’s been crying hard even before she made it to my door.

  I step back giving her room to come in. “Sure, Lindsey. What’s wrong?”

  I don’t even feel guilty that for a split-second I hope she is here to tell me that Barry was in a horrible car accident and was decapitated in a gruesome fashion.

  Okay fine, I feel a little guilty about it. He’s an asshole, but he is Emma’s dad.

  The skinny tall beautiful blonde who only makes me want to rip out her hair on occasion sits down at my dining room table like my house is a casual place and we’re two best friends having a drink. She lays her hands down on her arms sniffling a few times.

  “I think Barry is cheating on me.”

  I widen my eyes to look shocked and resist the urge of replying, “That wouldn’t surprise me.” The truth is, it wouldn’t. Barry cheated on me with her. Why would she expect anything less from him now?

  But even though I’ve spent countless nights lying in bed hoping for Karma to get them both, I’ve been in her shoes right now and it sucks. You love someone and trust them with your heart only for them to throw it on the ground and do a little tap dance over it. No one deserves that treatment from another human.

  “What makes you think so?”

  She sniffles letting her head hang. “He’s worked late every night for the last two weeks. He keeps telling me he’s hanging out at the bar with his friends or watching the game, but it’s not true because…”

  My head tilts the side. “Those are the same excuses he gave me?”

  She nods. “I’m sorry. You shouldn’t even listen to me, but I had nowhere else to go.”

  My head wobbles like my neck can’t keep it up. Her apology doesn’t make up for all the pain she caused me in the past, but it’s more than I ever thought I’d get.

  “Josie, I don’t know what to do.”

  To be nice, I sit down in the chair across the table from her. I don’t get why she wants to do anything except break up with him, but it’s not my relationship. “Have you confronted him?”

  Once I confronted Barry by standing at the end of our bed screaming, he spent a few minutes denying them, but he crumbled quite easily. He should never go anywhere near a witness stand.

  “You know Barry. I’m scared of what he’ll say. I told him now that your divorce is final, he has to marry me and he said no.”

  Turning my head, I chuckle and do my best to get quiet so I don’t offend her. It doesn’t surprise me that he won’t get remarried. Our divorce wasn’t what you’d call pleasant. I’ve never considered myself a vengeful person — at least not until he cheated — but I made my husband pay… at the bank. I don’t feel guilty about it in the slightest.

  He’s probably learned his lesson about shared assets.

  “I can’t tell you what to do, Lindsey. I’m sorry. Make your own choice in how you handle it, but if you’re worried, I would ask him to be honest with you. It’s always better to know the truth than to wonder.”

  It’s true. I believe every word I said. Learning my husband was a cheater sucked. It was one of the worst days of my life, but I’d rather know and get to make my own choices than go through life wondering.

  “Do you think he’ll ever marry me?” she asks, her tears picking up as she wipes them away with the tissue.

  I shake my head. “Maybe. He has a crazy ex-wife who took him for a lot of money in his last divorce. He might be ring shy. Give him some time.”

  Lindsey smiles up at me, even though it fades as she nods her head. Right then, as I’m looking into her sad but beautiful blue eyes, I realize I’m not angry anymore. Sure, I’m still hurt — and probably always will be — but I’d rather live the life I’m living right now than still be with my ex. And I’m sorry he’s continuing his shitty behavior with new women. If he is in fact cheating. Who knows with Barry?

  I reach across the table and pat the top of her hands. “If he is cheating on you, Lindsey, he is stupid.”

  “I know, right?” she says, followed by a laugh when she realizes what she said. “He keeps getting awesome women and then treating us like crap and we keep going back.”

  Not all of us go back, I want to say, but I refrain. It’s not the time. She has to get there on her own.

  “You’re right. I’m going to go home and ask him what’s going on. I deserve better than this.”

  I stand when she does and walk her to the door. “Just make sure and ask three times so you get the truth. He’s like that character from the Austin Powers movies.”

  Lindsey looks at me and blinks, not understanding a word I’ve said. Oh youth. They missed out on so many wonderful movies.

  “Right, you’re way too young for Austin Powers. Push him a little. He might deny it first, but he’ll cave in the end.”

  She nods her head, sturdy and strong with a new resolution. I watch Lindsey walk out the door and down my hallway with her back held straight. She’s a girl on a mission.

  I spend another second locking up behind her then fifteen of them tapping my fingernails on the kitchen table before I realized that, like Lindsey, I’m stupid. Rather than admit my problems and what worried me the other day, I lashed out at Nate. It wasn’t his fault I lost my job.

  He’d done nothing wrong but want to support me, which is what you should want in a relationship. But because I’ve never been in a good one, I freaked out. I used Barry’s shortcomings against Nate and that’s not fair. Nate is three times the man my ex has ever been and would ever be.

  And I was stupid and let him walk out my door. When you find something great, you don’t throw it away. You cultivate it with love and kindness. Grow it to be even better.

  I let the best man in Pelican Bay go and now all I can hope is he hasn’t found someone to replace me in the two days he’s been a fish back out in the sea. Pelican Bay is crawling with women looking to hook themselves an ex-military type.

  I’ll never forgive myself if I lose Nate because of my stupid behavior. Screw standards. It’s time to win him back.

/>   My cell phone is inches away from where I dropped it after texting with Tabitha, and I grab it pulling up Nate’s number. I consider the pretty women I’ve seen in Pelican Bay and a frantic side of me takes over, wanting to get my call through as fast as possible before some other woman puts her hooks in him. She could be reeling him in as I pace with the phone to my ear.

  “Josie?” he asks, when he answers the phone.

  I’m out of breath, worried about what to say and also trying to think as quickly as possible. “Nate! Are you at home?”

  I cross my fingers he’s not at the bar.

  “Yes,” he answers hesitantly.

  A worst fear comes to mind. “Is there anyone else there?” I ask, my heart threatening to break open my chest.

  “No, is everything okay? You’re being weird.”

  “We need to talk.”

  “Okay, I’ll come right over.”

  “Right now?” This conversation can’t wait until tomorrow. It has to happen tonight. If we wait, I might lose my gumption.

  Nate breathes into the phone. “I’ll be right there. Sit tight.”

  I hang up the phone and glimpse what I’m wearing — a pair of grey sweatpants and an oversized University of Maine sweatshirt. This won’t work.

  With newfound energy I never possess after dinner, I make it to my bedroom and swap out the outfit for ripped jeans and a tight, but not too tight pink blouse I like to wear for job interviews.

  I stop in front of the mirror and check out my outfit. Shit. This won’t work. He’ll question why I’m dressed up again going to a job interview at nine o’clock at night. I have to be smooth, calm, unassuming. Pretend like I haven’t been affected by him being gone the last two days.

  In the end, there is no time for an outfit change because Nate doesn’t stop and knock at the door. He walks right in like he’s always done.

  How did I forget he has a key?

  “Josie?” He yells, in a quiet whisper into the apartment.

  I dart out of my bedroom cursing the outfit choice. “Coming.”

  Nate meets me in the hallway. “Is everything okay? You sounded upset on the phone.”

  With a deep breath, I go for it. I hug him, clutching to his chest like I’m scared if I let go he’ll fade away, but eventually I have to drop my hands and take a step back so I can face Nate.

  “Nate, I was upset. I’m stupid and I’m so sorry for what I said on Monday. It was only because I was upset over losing my job and they kicked Emma out of daycare.”

  His eyebrows pinch together. “They kicked my Emma out of daycare?” I refuse to believe his use of “my Emma” means he still has feelings for us. I can’t get my hopes up.

  “Yes, but it’s a long story.” I don’t want to get into it right now. “I’m sorry and I miss you. I would like us to get back to where we were before.” Before I went stupid and ruined everything. I leave that part out.

  Nate stares at me… and blinks… and then he stares at me more. What he doesn’t do is start talking.

  Oh screw it. The hopes are up that he’ll accept my apology and we’ll live happily ever after.

  After what feels like a decade, he shakes his head no. “I’m sorry, Josie.”

  My heart crumbles. All the wishes and dreams and hopes I had for us break down and fly away in the slight breeze when the central air kicks on.

  My worst fears come true. I pushed away the best thing that’s ever happened to me since having Emma. I tossed the best guy the world has ever seen. The best one I stood a chance with. If I can’t make it work with Nate, there’s no hope for me in the future.

  15

  “You broke my heart, Josie. All I wanted to do was be there for you and you pushed me away like I didn’t mean anything.”

  “You mean the world to me, Nate. I was being stupid and emotional.”

  “And what happens the next time you have a bad day? Would you do it again?”

  “Never,” I promise.

  He shakes his head no again. “I just don’t know, Josie. You brought me into your house and I got attached to Emma and you. I don’t want to go back and forth. If I’m here, I want to be here forever.”

  I reach for his chest but he steps back. “I want you here forever, Nate.”

  He takes another step back, putting even more distance between us. “I need some time to think about it. You did a number on me and I spent the last few days thinking about how not to let that happen again.”

  “It won’t happen again.”

  “You told me you wanted to be an independent woman and I don’t want to take that chance away from you,” he says, halfway back to the door.

  I don’t know what to say to make him stay. Or if there even is anything I could say to stop the destruction from happening.

  “I’m so sorry, Nate. Can you think about it and let us talk through this problem?”

  He drops his head, staring at the carpet, and when he lifts it again, I see his answer. It’s written all over his face as clear as if the words were spelled out on his forehead in permanent ink.

  “No.”

  I nod. If I had something I could tell him, a promise I could make, I would. But just like I couldn’t save Lindsey’s relationship, I can’t save my own.

  “I’ll call you in a few days,” Nate says as he stands in the doorway, half in my apartment and half out. And then without another world he turns and walks out. I watch him leave, his back tall and straight as he strides his way down the hallway never once looking back to see the pain written on my face.

  In my grandmother’s house when I was growing up, she had an old rotary phone hanging on the wall. When I would spend weekends at her house and friends would call, I could lie on the floor with my feet kicked up on the wall dangling the cord around my fingers as we talked. I’ve never wished for a corded phone so much as when I’m on the phone with my mother.

  It would give me something to do because if she hears me make any noise in the background of our conversation, she’ll assume she’s bothering me and then launch into the talk about how children these days can’t just enjoy a phone conversation. We always have to be doing something else. It’s less of a bother to just wander around aimlessly than try to use my time effectively.

  “Did you hear me, Josie?” my mother asks, and I put down the magazine I’ve been mindlessly flipping through. If she’s going to ask difficult questions, I better pay attention.

  “Of course, Mom. No, I don’t have a job yet it’s only been four days.”

  “Well, you’d have more opportunities here.”

  I stand from the table and walk a circle around Emma as she plays on the floor. “Yes, I realize there are more jobs in Bangor.”

  “Our home is always open to you. It would be the smart place to figure out your life now, Josie.”

  My left eye twitches and I slam the eyelid down to stop it in its tracks. We had this conversation so many times after the divorce. “No, Mom, I’m not moving back in with you and Dad.”

  My brain isn’t even capable of processing the horror that would be. I made it through eighteen years of life with only small mental damage. I can’t do any more time in my mother’s house without risking further compromise.

  “You don’t have to be all pissy about it. I’m just suggesting that we’re here if you need us. I can’t have one of my children living on the street. What would the girls say?”

  I shake my head, sitting on the couch and then lying down with one foot propped up on the back portion. It’s not as good as the wall at my grandmother’s home where I used to sit for hours with a phone clutched to my ear talking to a classmate, but it will do. “I don’t know, Mother. What would the girls say?” I’m a long way from living on the streets. Mostly.

  “Well now you’re just being unbearable.”

  I make a mistake of lifting my left eyelid and it twitches again.

  My phone beeps, so I hold it out from my ear to catch the small green bar at the top that flashes with
an incoming call.

  “Oh, Mom, I’ve got to go. Someone is calling and you never know. It could be a job interview.”

  “Don’t you have call waiting on your cell phone?”

  “Of course, but I have no idea how to use it.” I’ve never successfully switched between calls on my phone. Has anybody?

  “Fine, take the call. But if it is the job, call me back right away and we can talk about interviewing techniques,” says the woman who’s never interviewed for a job in her life.

  I sigh but agree, anything to get her off the phone.

  The problem with my cell phone — besides the fact I barely know how to use it — is that when you switch over to a new call, you can’t see who it is. I hate not knowing who is on the phone. But I wasn’t lying when I said it could be a call for an interview. It can also be my ex or his girlfriend calling to give me an update on their situation, which I’d rather not hear, but I have to take the chance.

  “Hello?” I ask, after hitting the green bar to accept the call.

  There’s silence along with a smattering of static and then, “Josie?” Nate says. “Why do you sound weird?”

  I sit up ramrod straight on the couch. This was not the phone call I expected. “Hey, I was talking to my mother on her line. I didn’t expect you to call.”

  “Well, I said I’d call,” he replies, possibly a tinge of regret in his voice.

  “Yes, but I didn’t imagine it right now.” I leave out the part where I add in “or ever.” A lot of guys say they’ll call but not many do.

  “If Winnie comes over to sit with Emma for a few minutes, could you meet me in Pelican Bay?”

  I pucker my lips while I stare at Emma playing on the ground and messing up her rainbow-colored blocks. “I guess. Is it important?”

  I don’t want to go to Pelican Bay to spend time with another man who didn’t find me good enough. It’s one thing to make mistakes but another thing to have them lobbed at you all day long.