We weave through the crowds and suddenly enter the main room. Oh my days, that bass is pleasing to the heart and I notice the large grin plastered across Will’s face too. Joe, still on Will’s shoulders, looks like he may be in shock. Or maybe he’s confused? Didn’t you get the memo, parents? I was hoping for jelly, maybe a clown. But we put him down on the floor. He pauses for a moment and then he starts bopping away, bending his knees at the music. He is most definitely ours. Tentatively, we join in. I guess this is a rave. There is an actual DJ in a shell suit but you have to dodge toddlers as opposed to people off their tits on drugs. It also feels bizarre not to have any alcohol in my veins. And we’re not the embarrassing ones for once. There are people in tie-dye and a lady next to us in fluorescent fur boots and a cowboy hat. She has fully embraced some party persona from her youth, punching the air while her children look on, bewildered. Still. That music. My shoulders decide to join in. Will comes over and slips a hand around my waist.
‘It’s very loud,’ he says, looking concerned for our son’s ears.
‘Alright, old man.’ He shakes his head at me, laughing. ‘There’s a man making balloon swords over there if you want.’
‘And a confetti machine.’
We jest but both of us are standing here dancing away, Will’s fingers twitching to go full happy raver, a thin veil of sweat already covering both our faces. It’s like we’re home. Except we’ll have to change a nappy in the breaks. I reach into my rucksack and pull out some accessories: a whistle for Will, a hat for the birthday boy. I kneel down to put it on Joe and he reaches out to hug me, small hands reaching around my neck. Don’t mind if I do, young man. He smiles his big toothy grin, dons the cardboard hat without fuss then breaks into a strange dance move like he’s doing the running man. I look over at Will doing the exact same thing.
How did we get here, Joe? I’ll tell you how. You want to know something about this venue? Your dad and I met here. Over by that cloakroom where they’re now selling slushies and sherbet. You want to know something else? We both still have the coats we were wearing that night we met. We’re thrifty like that. Joe looks at me in the way that he does, like he knows everything but is just waiting for me to figure it all out. I bundle him into my arms and stand up. Hi, little baby of mine. Welcome to my world. The beat suddenly changes and an overexcited Will, with whistle in his mouth, suddenly has both arms in the air. Will knows, his eyes connect to mine. We have both danced hard to this tune. He comes bounding over as we both engage in the best jumping spaghetti arm moves this room will ever see, co-ordinated shoulders and everything. Sod the consequences to my pelvic floor.
‘Mama,’ Joe squeals. That word. I hold him tightly to me and inhale him.
‘Happy birthday, kiddo,’ I whisper into his ear, kissing him on the cheek. One whole year of Joe. Thank you for being here, for letting me be your mother. He looks up at the ceiling as the confetti rains down on us, flashes of pastel light scattered across his face, reflecting in his big brown chocolate eyes as the three of us jump in and out of time to the music. God, I love this song.
If Did My Love Life Shrink in the Wash? gave you all the feels, and you’re in the mood for more non-stop LOLs, then don’t miss out on Kristen’s incredible bestseller Has Anyone Seen My Sex Life? It’s an utterly hilarious and unmissable novel for anyone who has ever felt like they spend more time washing the dishes than getting lucky!
Get it here!
Has Anyone Seen My Sex Life?
It’s normal for your washing machine to get more action than you, right?
I wake up, bleary-eyed. It’s been two years, six months and three hours since I last shaved my legs, and the llama-patterned knickers I’m wearing have seen better days.
We have seven minutes before the kids wake up, and my husband shuffles closer. ‘Ouch,’ he says, a piece of Lego sticking into his back.
Then, a light comes on in the landing. Small footsteps creep down the stairs. A little voice screams, ‘IS SOMEONE COMING TO MAKE BREAKFAST?!’
All hope of having some ‘alone time’ is replaced with wondering if we’ve run out of Cheerios, thinking about the overflowing laundry, and remembering that I forgot to take out the recycling. Again.
Just a typical Monday morning for the Morton family…
Except today, when I go downstairs in my dressing gown, I find something. Something belonging to my husband. Something that definitely wasn’t in the wedding vows. And it’s either going to make us… or break us.
An utterly hilarious and unmissable novel for anyone who has ever felt like they spend more time washing the dishes than getting lucky. Fans of Why Mummy Drinks and The Unmumsy Mum, and rom-coms by Sophie Ranald and Sophie Kinsella, will ugly laugh at this gloriously funny and relatable read.
Get it here!
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A Letter from Kristen
Dear lovely reader,
Hello again! Or maybe you’re new? Either way, thank you so much for reading – you are a superstar! I really hope you enjoyed Beth’s story and were able to laugh, cry and relate to all her tales of first-time motherhood. I know many will ask: do babies really poo that much? And the answer is yes. I remember those days well; the nappies, the mega voms, my boobs aching so hard I wanted to punch them, and being so tired I once fell asleep sitting on the toilet. God, I really hope it was like that for everyone else.
If you enjoyed Beth’s story, you’ll be glad to know that her sisters all have their own books. Has Anyone Seen My Sex Life? is about Meg and Can I Give My Husband Back? is Emma’s tale so please go and spend some time with the other Callaghans. And look out for Grace and Lucy’s stories coming out in the very near future. If you want to keep up to date with details of my writing, just sign up at the following link. Your email address will never be shared and you can unsubscribe at any time.
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So as you may have guessed, I am a mother and I have four little squirrels at home. Motherhood has been amazingly generous to me, so this book was always going to be a love letter to my kids and my experiences as a mum. Fact fans might like to know that this was the first book I ever tried to write, back when my eldest was a baby – he’s now fourteen and has facial hair. But those memories of early motherhood – the joy, the fatigue, the despair and the complete mania that underpinned those first years – are still vivid in my mind. They changed me for life – and for the better – but they became the reason I first sat at a computer and wrote anything down. I thought those stories, those experiences were too good, too hilarious not to share. And yes, I did birth my first baby that quickly, I did swear like a marine, and I did get completely bladdered on the gas and air. The only thing missing from the prologue is the fact I bruised my husband’s neck from having him in a headlock. (Sorry about that, love… but a baby was coming out of my vagina…) As much as this book is a celebration of motherhood, I hope it’s also a tribute to love, sisterhood, friendship and quality music. I do recommend the chapter headings as a playlist: it’s pretty kick-ass.
A note that this book was also part-written in 2020 when the world was not in the best of places. I’ve decided to skim over the worst parts of that year because I do believe and hope that things will get better. We will be able to go to concerts again, have Christmas with those we love, and hug the hell out of everyone we know. And a special tribute to anyone who’s had a baby during this time. Motherhood is hard enough when the world isn’t going to pot so to be experiencing it in the circumstances of 2020 is an ever-greater achievement. I am in awe.
I’d be thrilled to hear from any of my readers, whether it be with reviews, questions or just to say hello. If you like retweets of videos of dancing pandas then follow me on Twitter. Have a gander at Instagram, my Facebook auth
or page and website too for updates, ramblings and to learn more about me. Like, share and follow away – it’d be much appreciated.
And if you enjoyed Did My Love Life Shrink in the Wash? then I would be overjoyed if you could leave me a review on either Amazon or Goodreads to let people know. It’s a brilliant way to reach out to new readers. And don’t just stop there, tell everyone you know, send to all on your contacts list. Especially to anyone just about to have a baby; this is more honest reading than any manual – perfect if accompanied by a jumbo pack of muslins too.
With much love and gratitude,
Kristen xx
www.kristenbaileywrites.com
Books by Kristen Bailey
Did My Love Life Shrink in the Wash?
Can I Give My Husband Back?
Has Anyone Seen My Sex Life?
Available in audio
Can I Give My Husband Back? (available in the UK and the US)
Has Anyone Seen My Sex Life? (available in the UK and the US)
Can I Give My Husband Back?
It’s normal to prefer getting a filling at the dentist’s to spending time with your husband, right?
I thought I was sorted on the life front. I was a heart surgeon with a loving partner and two gorgeous little girls. Except my husband’s version of ‘loving’ is lying, cheating and sleeping his way around London. Which means I definitely deserve a refund.
Unfortunately, moving on isn’t that simple. Just because I know how to operate on a heart doesn’t mean I know how to fix my broken one. Plus, I lost the receipt for him years ago so I’m definitely getting short changed.
But now I’m single, am I ready to mingle? There are a few minor issues:
1) The last time I went on a date double denim was in fashion and my eyebrows were horrendously overplucked.
2) Men wear stupidly skinny jeans now.
3) I don’t know how to use dating apps but at least I don’t have to get changed out of my pyjamas.
4) Sometimes the most promising thing you have in common with a guy is a shared love of prawns.
5) I don’t know whether to open a date with ‘hi’ or ‘hello’ or ‘hey’ and once I ended up saying ‘howdy’.
Everything happens for a reason, they say. There’s plenty more fish in the sea. But what happens when everything falls apart and you haven’t got a clue how to go fishing?
An absolutely hilarious and utterly relatable tale for anyone who has ever survived a nightmare relationship, felt a little lonely or nursed a broken heart with wine and carbs. This feel-good novel will get you back on your feet and genuinely laughing out loud. Perfect for fans of Why Mummy Drinks, Sophie Ranald and Sophie Kinsella.
Get it here!
Acknowledgements
CHRISTINA! I really do have the most brilliant editor in the whole entire world and I owe her everything and more. This book was part written in lockdown and it was tough to attempt to write funny, but she drew it out of me like an editing magician. She’s a cheerleader, a critic, a caregiver – and I am so grateful for her support. Behind the scenes at Bookouture, a huge thanks also to Sarah Hardy, Kim Nash, Lauren Finger, Natasha Hodgson, Kelsie Marsden and all the team, who work tirelessly behind the scenes to make my books happen.
From the very start, the theme of this book has been about the transformative effects of being a mother, so I have my kids to thank most of all. At the time of writing, they are 14, 11, 9 and 6. Naturally, they love TikTok, their father, and a triple pack of Jaffa Cakes more than me but I hope they realise they gave me the greatest gift in being their mum. Love, always.
The person who gave me the biological tools to help make the babies is the long-suffering Nick, who is still here, people, despite the book titles Bookouture give me, which never really cast husbands in the best light. He still makes the tea and tells me on a daily basis that I am as funny as toothache. Thank you for shouting at me for not backing up my work. Thanks for all them babies. Thanks for all the architecture references too. You work too hard.
Like the Callaghans, I also went to an all-girls’ school and I believe getting out of there alive still remains one of my greatest life achievements. I want to thank Mr Kelsted for being my first ever English teacher and instilling a love of literature and writing in me. To all the lovely people I met at Tiffin Girls’, many of whom I still call friends, I hope Sapere Aude rings in your ears, daily.
When I talk about the transformative effects of motherhood, this book also explores Beth’s journey to love and respect her body after childbirth. This was difficult to write as it made me realise what a poor relationship I have with my own body image. To gain different perspectives on this, I sought out Instagrammers, music, books and TV shows. I marvelled at the number of people out there who focus on promoting the message of self-care and body positivity and who help re-define how we see beauty. Their songs, posts and activism helped this author on many different levels. So thank you for the important work you do. And thank you, Lizzo, because you’re bloody marvellous. ‘Juice’ became this book’s anthem and dancing around to it (badly) became my thing when I was writing. Thank you for reminding me that the juice ain’t worth a squeeze, if the juice don’t look like this.
And here’s a list of names of brilliant people who provided me with answers, support, inspiration, laughs, chats and memes over writing, lockdown and beyond: Sara Hafeez, Joe Rigby, Graham Price, Drew Davies, Dan Turkington, Leanne Paul, Gabi Code, Gloria Long, Gavin Dimmock, Chris Hooley and Chris and Sarah Aggett. I also have a wonderful neighbour known as Patsy aka Paddy. He regularly flirts with me in his crazy Irish tones and tells me on a regular basis that I’m doing an amazing job with my kids. He drops that in every time I see him. He’ll never know how much this means to me. Next time you see a mum, tell her just that.
We – both author and publisher – hope you enjoyed this book. We believe that you can become a reader at any time in your life, but we’d love your help to give the next generation a head start.
Did you know that 9% of children don’t have a book of their own in their home, rising to 13% in disadvantaged families*? We’d like to try to change that by asking you to consider the role you could play in helping to build readers of the future.
We’d love you to get involved by sharing, borrowing, reading, buying or talking about a book with a child in your life and spreading the love of reading. We want to make sure the next generation continues to have access to books, wherever they come from.
Click HERE for a list of brilliant books to share with a child – as voted by Goodreads readers.
Thank you.
*As reported by the National Literacy Trust
Published by Bookouture in 2021
An imprint of Storyfire Ltd.
Carmelite House
50 Victoria Embankment
London EC4Y 0DZ
www.bookouture.com
Copyright © Kristen Bailey, 2021
Kristen Bailey has asserted her right to be identified
as the author of this work.
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in any retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the publishers.
eBook ISBN: 9781838889722
This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, organizations, places and events other than those clearly in the public domain, are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or locales is entirely coincidental.
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Did My Love Life Shrink in the Wash?: An absolutely laugh-out-loud and feel-good page-turner Page 31
