“It’s absolutely beautiful,” I said.
“It definitely is.”
I looked over at Kellen, but his eyes weren’t even on the sky. They were on me.
“You’re not even looking at the sun.”
“You sure about that?”
Kellen was looking at me like I was the one who was lighting up the world and even though it was the cheesiest thing ever and seemed like it’d be something you’d hear only in super cliché romance movies, I realized right then that that it was all I’d ever really wanted. The whole time I was throwing myself away to people and pretending I didn’t care, pretending none of it hurt me, pretending nothing mattered, I was really searching for something the whole time. I was searching for that feeling of riding a bike for the first time in forever, that feeling of trying a green donut, that feeling of having the fresh air hit your face at five-thirty in the morning, that feeling that came with watching the sun paint itself across a lake.
Kellen reached over and brushed his thumb beneath my bottom lip, where my scar was. “What’s that from?”
“The stroller accident I mentioned earlier,” I said, feeling self-conscious. “I know, it’s ugly.”
“It’s not ugly,” Kellen said, shaking his head. “It’s part of you and there is nothing ugly about you. You’re beautiful, Carson.”
He was still looking at me like he had been before and the electriccurrent had turned into a full-fledged lightning storm shooting back and forth between our bodies. I was pretty sure I’d forgotten how to breathe.
All I’d ever wanted was for someone to look at me like I was the sunrise.
All I’d ever wanted was for someone to look at me like that.
Kellen leaned in and this time I didn’t hesitate. I didn’t worry about anything being ruined. I leaned in slightly, closing my eyes. For a second there was nothing – no light, no noise, no color – but then I felt Kellen’s lips brush against mine softly, like they were skimming the surface of new waters, cautious and gentle. I inhaled sharply and felt Kellen’s lips pull away slightly. I knew they were still right there. I could feel Kellen’s breath against my face, but I could also just sense him, even with my eyes closed. An unsureness hung in the air between our mouths. He didn’t know if he’d done something wrong, if he should stop. That wasn’t the case at all though. My reaction to his lips against mine had nothing to do with me not wanting the kiss.
In that second that Kellen’s lips brushed against mine, the dark and the quiet and the calmness had erupted around me. That one light touch had sent my body spiraling into sensory overload, taking my breath away and setting my skin on fire – bringing me to life.
I wanted more of that feeling. I wanted Kellen to kiss me so bad I was afraid I would jump out of my skin if I didn’t feel his lips against mine soon. I waited for him to try again, hoping he would take my stillness as an invitation. Seconds later I felt Kellen’s body move towards me and when his lips pressed softly against mine, careful again, I felt that same explosion of life. My body took over then, longing to be closer to the source of that energy. I wrapped my arms around Kellen’s neck and pressed myself against him, my lips moving against his with a fire so intense it surprised me. It seemed to spark something in Kellen too, because his kisses became harder, hungrier. He put one hand on my waist and pulled me closer until I was lying on top of his body in the grass.
Kellen and I laid there underneath the sunrise, kissing. It wasn’t dark and it wasn’t desperate and it wasn’t something I was going to regret in a few hours. In the bright and beautiful lights of the open sky, with nothing to hide our insecurities or racing pulses or broken pieces, we just kissed.
I guess maybe it was meant to be.
Chapter 25
Red
The color of
Passion
Pain
Love
Rage
The color of t-shirts
And blood stains
The Queen of Hearts
And the accent of flames
Different tones
Different shades
It’s all in the perception
We all see red differently
As Kellen walked me up to my front door a few hours later, I was thinking about Dr. M’s Happy List of all things. When Kellen woke up he must’ve been on a mission to help me conquer the list today. This morning I went for a walk, ate a green donut, got a book, and watched the sun rise over a lake. Oh, and I also made out with a gorgeous and genuinely nice boy for what felt like a blissful eternity. That last part wasn’t exactly on the list but I assure you, it should have been.
Kellen and I had spent the rest of the morning lying on the grass by the lake. We’d stayed there until the blue sky washed away all the painted colors of the morning and pushed the sun up above the treetops. We’d talked and kissed and threw grass back and forth at each other and kissed. Then I’d picked up a worm and tossed it at Kellen and then ran away before he could retaliate. He’d chased me across the grass though, and when he caught me he picked me up and swung me around. We’d both laughed so hard that we fell over and ended up back on the grass, where we promptly started kissing again.
As intense as the energy was between us, there was no pressure to do anything or go any further and it was honestly the best feeling in the world. To feel so free yet so safe. To feel wanted but not used. It was a feeling I could get used to.
As we reached the last few steps before my door I started wondering what came next. How did you say goodbye to someone that you fully intended on seeing again? I started to freak out. I’d never had to do this before. My encounters always ended well before I made it to the front door. This was a walk I usually took by myself. My front door had never met a guy I’d been with. I glanced over and it looked just as nervous as I felt and, of course, there was no hint written across the surface like “Hey, Dummy, do this!” It looked like I was on my own.
How did I say goodbye to Kellen before? I couldn’t remember much from before that morning, but something told me it involved my usual lack-luster charm and a casual “bye.” Somehow I didn’t think that was going to cut it this time.
When did it get so hot ouside?
My body felt like it was boiling and by the time we reached the door I could feel sweat collecting behind my knees and under my arms.
I realized I forgot to put on deodorant.
Did I even shave the night before?
Oh no.
The level of glamor I was exhibiting was almost overwhelming.
Before I had a chance to say something stupid, Kellen leaned up against the side of the house, wrapped his arms around my waist, and pulled me toward him. I looked up into his face, more nervous than I’d been in my whole life, but as soon as my eyes found Kellen’s I started to calm down. I couldn’t remember my first name, but at least I was calm.
“I had a lot of fun today, Carson.”
Carson. Oh, right. That was my name.
“Me too,” I said, biting my lip.
Oh, God. Now that I was calm I could think again. And of course the first thing I thought of was something that could ruin everything. I didn’t want to ruin everything.
Kellen’s eyebrows furrowed. “What’s wrong?” he asked.
“Nothing,” I said, trying to push the question away.
I will not ruin this moment.
I will not ruin this moment.
“It’s just…”
Of course, I was going to ruin the moment.
“What is it?” Kellen asked again. He didn’t sound upset or annoyed, just concerned.
The words were out of my mouth before I could figure out how to stuff them back down my throat. “I’m just afraid you’ll get bored. I mean now that the chase is over,” I said. “I’m afraid you’ll get bored of me.”
“Carson,” he said, shaking his head and smiling. “There are so many reasons why that isn’t going to happen.”
“Like what?”
“L
ike, first of all, I’m not that guy. I was never in it for the chase. Second of all, you aren’t a simple person. You’re complicated and frustrating – ”
“Frustrating?”
“In the best way possible, I promise,” he added, grinning. “And you’re full of surprises. If I was in it for the chase, then I’m pretty sure you’d give me a run for my money.”
“Yes, because I am so worth the eternal chase,” I said sarcastically.
“Which brings me to my third point,” Kellen said. “You have no idea how special you are.”
I rolled my eyes and snorted.
“Just hear me out,” he said. “You have no idea how special you are right now, but one day you will. And I hope I’m here to see that day. I hope you’ll let me be here. Because there is no way I’m ever going to get bored with you, Carson. Not a chance in Hell.”
I thought about what Kellen just said, really thought about it. Special was the last word I would ever think to use to describe myself but, then again, I hadn’t seen anything special about the sky or the lake this morning either – until the sun came out. Maybe I was wrong to think there was nothing special about me. Maybe we all had a little sunrise in us, just waiting to come out. I felt a burning in my chest and for just a moment it seemed like if I just tried hard enough I’d be able to coax that light and energy out of me, letting the world see. At least I knew that while I tried Kellen would be there with me, waiting to watch the light show.
Instead of making a snarky comment or rolling my eyes some more, I smiled and buried my face in Kellen’s chest. He wrapped his arms tighter around me and I stayed there for a solid minute, listening to the rhythm of Kellen’s heartbeat, feeling the movement of his chest as he breathed in and out, in and out. I could feel walls inside of me, the walls that I’d spent years building, start to come down. It was as if the whole time I’d thought I was protecting myself with these steel barricades, only to find out that they were just made of paper.
Finally, I took a step back.
“I should get inside,” I said, even though I didn’t want to.
Kellen leaned over and kissed me on the forehead. It was innocent and it was beautiful and it made my heart want to sing sappy love songs.
“I’ll call you later,” he said, moving towards the steps.
“Okay.”
“I mean it,” he said as he walked down two steps. “I’m going to call so don’t change your mind about liking me.”
“Okay.”
“And if you do change your mind,” he added, now off the steps and on the walkway, “then please, for my sake just pretend to be your mom and say you moved to, I don’t know, Italy or something.”
“I’m not going to change my mind.”
“But if you do – ”
I cleared my throat. “I’m sorry, Mr. Jordan, but Carson has run away to Italy. Hopefully the Leaning Tower of Pisa will fall over and crush her skull. Please don’t call here again,” I said, doing my best impression of my mom, though I didn’t think I’d ever reach her exact level of judgmental disgust without some serious reconstruction to my vocal cords.
“Your mom would not say that.”
“You’re right,” I said. “She’d definitely leave out the ‘please’ when she told you not to call.”
Kellen gave me a look. “I’ll talk to you later,” he said.
I watched him walk towards the street, feeling like I had to be in a dream. This couldn’t actually be my life. I absent-mindedly went to run my fingers through my hair and then stopped.
“Wait, Kellen!” I called out. “Your hat.”
“Keep it.” He turned to look back at me as he continued to walk backwards. His hands were in his pockets and he was grinning. “It looks much better on you, remember?”
And with that he walked away, leaving me standing on my porch, smiling to myself like an idiot. I would’ve been repulsed by myself if I weren’t so happy.
“Carson Reynolds, where have you been?”
I made an undignified noise that was a cross between a squeak and a yelp and turned to the door. My mother was standing there in her Sunday best: her bathrobe.
Really, if the woman was going to threaten me with church camp then the least she could do was dress up and pretend that she wasn’t a hypocrite.
“How long have you been standing there?” I asked. I didn’t even hear her open the door. I narrowed my eyes, instantly feeling my walls shoot back up. “Were you spying on me?”
If looks could kill then my mother would’ve been childless.
“I was not spying. I came to the door when I heard someone yelling,” my mom started. Something flickered in her face though and I could tell she’d just remembered that she was the parent and therefore didn’t have to explain herself to me. She was getting into battle mode. “Excuse me, young lady.”
Yep, I could sense my mom’s parental anger bubbling in the air.
“I got up this morning and went to your room to ask if you wanted to go to the store with me – ”
I snorted. I really needed to work on controlling myself.
Honestly, what on earth would possess the woman to ask me to go anywhere with her? The last time we went shopping together we were almost banned from the store. Apparently screaming matches over the pile of potatoes were bad for business.
“Carson,” my mom said through gritted teeth, “you are on thin ice right now. Do not push me.”
I stared back defiantly.
“I went into your room and you were gone – no note, no nothing. What was I supposed to think?”
Obviously that I was kidnapped by the mafia and taken from my bed kicking and screaming.
I didn’t say this because it might’ve been construed as “pushing.”
“I’m fine,” I said, squeezing past my mom and into the house. “I just decided to go for a walk.”
“A walk?”
“Yes, a walk.”
My mom just stared at me blankly for a few seconds before her eyes zeroed in on my head.
“Whose hat is that?”
“Kellen Jordan’s,” I said.
“Kellen Jordan?”
“The guy with the tattoos.”
I watched as recognition hit my mom right in the face.
“You were with that boy again?” she asked, her nostrils flaring violently. My mom could have honestly been part dragon.
“Yes.”
“And what were you doing?”
“Walking,” I said.
“Walking?”
My mom was starting to sound an awful lot like a parrot. It was getting annoying.
“Yes, walking.” I held up the book in my hand. “And Kellen bought me this book.”
“What are you going to do with that?” she asked. My mom looked genuinely confused.
“Well, typically you read a book, so I was going to give that a try. Contrary to popular belief, I can read,” I said, feeling a little insulted.
My mom rolled her eyes. “Carson, you haven’t picked up a book since elementary school and now all of a sudden I’m supposed to believe you want to read?”
“You can believe whatever you want,” I said. “I’m not trying to prove anything to you.”
“But you’re trying to prove something to this boy?”
The conversation was over.
“I’m going to my room,” I said as I walked towards the stairs.
“Carson, wait.”
“What?” I said, turning around.
My mom started to open her mouth, then stopped. She tilted her head to the side as if she was considering something.
“What are you wearing?” she asked.
“Um, clothes.”
“But your shirt – it’s red.”
What was she talking about? I looked down, expecting to see my usual black t-shirt but, sure enough, it was red. Well, that was weird.
I shrugged my shoulders and acted like I meant to switch things up. “It’s just a shirt.”
“And you’re not wearing any makeup,” she said, surprised.
I was starting to feel like an animal in a zoo, self-conscious in a way I hadn’t been all morning.
“I didn’t feel like it,” was all I said. I turned back around and headed to my room. When I got to the bathroom I stopped and locked myself inside. I stood in the dark for a minute with my back facing the mirror, unsure of whether or not I wanted to turn the light on.
That morning I had been in such a hurry that I’d just thrown on clothes and left. I’d completely forgot about putting on makeup. Kellen and I were already down the street by the time I’d remembered, but I’d told myself it didn’t matter that I wasn’t wearing it because it was dark out and Kellen had seen me without it on anyways. Before long I’d forgotten all about it though. I’d stopped feeling like I was missing something because Kellen didn’t look at me like I was missing anything. Just like last time, he’d made me feel comfortable in my own skin, unlike my mother, who’d just looked at me like I was some kind of reptile.
I took a deep breath. Looking in the mirror shouldn’t have been so hard.
Suck it up, girl. You might be a reptile, but you’re a badass fire-breathing reptile. You’re Godzilla.
Oddly, assuring myself that I was the largest and scaliest reptile of them all gave me just the strength I needed to turn around, turn on the light, and face my reflection.
My hair, which I usually straightened to death, was a cascade of black waves beneath Kellen’s baseball cap. There was an explosion of face freckles across my nose and cheeks and my cheekbones had a pink tint to them, probably from being out in the sun all morning. My eyes stood out like piercing blue orbs on my face, no black eyeliner around to dull them down. I looked different, that’s for sure, but I didn’t totally hate it.
Kellen had said something before about how we were the ones that had to look at ourselves in the mirror every day and how we could choose to cut the toxic people when we began again. I hadn’t been able to fully grasp that then, but maybe he was on to something and maybe there was another part to that as well. Maybe cutting the toxic parts of ourselves was just as important and maybe being able to look at ourselves in the mirror without totally hating what we saw was a small step towards starting over.
Forever Mark Page 18
