“Let me get you a towel,” she said, walking out of the room. She came back a moment later with a towel and a set of dry clothes. “Here,” she said. “Put these on so you don’t catch a cold.”
Lena led me to the bathroom. “There’s a hair dryer in there in case you want to use it.”
“Thank you,” I said quietly. I shut the door, dried off, and changed into Lena’s clothes. Blow-drying my hair wasn’t a huge priority, but when I pulled the Happy List out of my pocket and saw that it had taken a serious bath, I set it on the counter and fired up the hair dryer, gently waving it over the paper. Watching the water stains dry up was surprisingly soothing. When I came out of the bathroom a few minutes later I found Lena boiling a pan of water on the stove,.
“Can I make you anything to eat?” she asked. “A sandwich? Spaghetti? Soup?”
I shook my head. “No thanks,” I said. I hadn’t had much of an appetite lately. By the looks of it, neither had Lena.
“Really,” she said, “it’s not a big deal at all.”
There was so much despair in her voice that my heart broke all over again. There was also a hint of pleading, like she just needed something, anything to do.
“Actually, soup sounds good,” I said, sitting down at the table. Shoving some broth down my throat was the least I could do for Lena.
“Okay,” she said, looking grateful for the distraction.
“Um, Lena?” I started after she turned away. I took a deep breath. I could do this. “Is he… Is Kellen home?”
Lena froze for a long minute and I wondered if she was going to respond at all. “No,” she finally said, her back still facing me. “He hasn’t been home very much lately.”
I felt my heart sink. I’d spent the entire bike ride working myself up to seeing Kellen and doing what Dr. M had suggested, what terrified me most: talking. It seemed like that wasn’t going to happen though.
Lena started pulling ingredients from the cabinets and that’s when I realized that all she was craving was something to quiet her mind. I knew enough about Lena to know that her idea of “making soup” usually involved nothing more than opening up a can of Campbell’s and dumping it in a pan. I watched her make her way to the refrigerator where she paused and looked at the pictures on the door. From my seat I could see the one of Tony standing on the back of Kellan’s bike.
He’d survived that ride, why couldn’t he have survived this one too?
When I heard a little sniffle I looked away from the refrigerator, afraid that I was intruding on a private moment.
It occurred to me then that I was intruding on much more than just a moment. I was intruding on a family that I’d blown apart. I was intruding on a home that I had no business being in. What was I even doing there? I’d ridden over on an impulse and now I didn’t have a clue what to say to Lena. Was I really just going to sit there and let her take care of me? Let her feed me soup and act like I hadn’t done anything wrong?
So I said the only thing that came to mind.
“I’m sorry.”
Lena turned around. “What?”
I could feel the waterworks coming. Tropical Storm Carson was about to rain down on the kitchen and there was nothing I could do to stop it. “I-I’m s-sorry,” I managed to get out. And then I started crying.
Lena rushed over and kneeled down in front of me. She took my face in her hands. “Carson,” she said. I could hear the concern in her voice, “What in the world do you have to be sorry about?”
I was looking right into her eyes and I felt like a thief, stealing her sympathy when I didn’t deserve it. That made me cry harder.
Lena hugged me tight and I buried my face into her chest. “Let it out,” she said, stroking my hair. “Let it out.”
So I did. For five minutes straight I did nothing but let it out. When the sobs subsided I pulled back a little, wiping my face. I looked at Lena and saw tear streaks down her cheeks. She’d been letting it out a little too. She pulled a chair in front of me and sat down, taking my hands in hers.
“Carson, you did absolutely nothing wrong. You didn’t do this to Tony.”
Her voice cracked and I could tell she hadn’t been saying his name out loud either.
“But it’s my fault.”
“No, Carson, it’s that driver’s fault.”
“But you don’t understand,” I said. “Kellen and I got into a huge fight because of me and then I said really nasty things to him. He was just trying to talk to me and I kept pushing him away. He wouldn’t have been bringing Tony to the shelter if I hadn’t been so horrible to him.”
Lena was silent and I knew this would be it. Now she knew what a horrible person I was. Instead of stopping though, I kept going. If she was going to hate me anyways then I might as well get everything off my chest.
“I should have gone after him. I started to but then I stopped. God, why did I stop?” I asked myself out loud. “He…” I stopped and took a deep breath. If Lena could say his name them so could I. “Tony… Tony would still be here if I had just fixed things right then.”
Saying his name out loud hurt. It felt like flames licking the inside of my throat. It was the feeling of guilt.
I looked at my lap, unable to face Lena any longer. I waited for her to kick me out and send me packing, toss my sorry ass into the storm where my sorry ass belonged.
I felt a gentle hand on my cheek and I looked up in surprise. Lena’s eyes were full of grief and...
Love?
“Carson, I want you to listen to me carefully,” she said gently, but firmly. “This is not your fault. You need to stop blaming yourself.”
“But if I wasn’t the way I was and if I didn’t blow up like that – ”
“You got upset and said some things you didn’t mean,” Lena said. “Everyone’s done that.”
“Not Kellen. Even when I was horrible to him, he never said anything mean to me.”
Lena smiled a small and sad smile. “Carson, I love my son, but he isn’t perfect. Before Kellen went to rehab he was a loose cannon. He said lots of things he didn’t mean when he was angry, but when the anger faded he felt terrible.” When I shook my head she added, “He knows you didn’t mean whatever you said.”
“I’m not so sure. You heard him in the hospital.”
“Kellen loves you, Carson. At the hospital… that was the grief and guilt talking,” she said before getting up and walking over to the refrigerator. She took down a picture, walked back over to the table, and handed it to me. It was the picture she’d taken of us when Barkley nearly crushed me. “Do you remember what I said to you before you left the first day Kellen brought you over here?”
“Thank you,” I say. “You said thank you.”
Lena nodded. “I lost my Kellen for a long time after his dad died. Even after he went to rehab and got cleaned up, there was still a part of him that was missing. He was guarded with people. He kept them at a distance. People that didn’t know him that well didn’t notice it, but I did and it broke my heart. I was afraid he’d never open up to anyone again.”
I didn’t know what to say. The person she was describing was someone I never knew. Kellen was always so honest and open with me. He never held back. I was the one who was guarded. I was the one who was afraid of being vulnerable. Kellen said so during our last fight.
“But then something changed,” she continued. “Something brought the old Kellen back.”
“What?”
“He met you.”
I shook my head. “No,” I said.
“Yes,” Lena said. “Carson, something about you sparked an excitement in him that I hadn’t seen in a really long time. You helped him heal.”
“I was the worst thing that could have happened to him,” I said quietly, looking down at the picture.
“You are one of the best things that ever happened to him,” she said, lifting my chin so I was looking back up at her. “Carson, you saw how he changed you, but I saw how you changed him.”
It was quiet for a few minutes. “I love him so much,” I finally said. “I haven’t told him that. I was going to, but… It’s probably weird that I’m telling his mom this before him.”
“I already knew,” Lena said, smiling a little, her eyes full of unshed tears. “I’ve known since the day he brought you over here, and I wanted to thank you for that. You brought my son back and that’s the best gift I could have ever gotten.”
She leaned over and hugged me and I hugged her back. There was still a little voice in my head that whispered that I also took her other son away for good, but the voice was getting softer. If Lena didn’t blame me then maybe there was hope that one day I’d stop blaming myself.
“I’m sorry,” I said again into Lena’s hair.
“Carson – ”
“It wasn’t my fault,” I said, repeating her words from earlier. “But I’m sorry it happened. I’m so so sorry. Tony… He was a special little guy.”
I heard Lena sniff and I was afraid I’d upset her, but she gave me one more tight squeeze before leaning back. “Thank you,” she said.
“And about the memorial,” I started.
Lena shook her head. “It’s okay. I don’t believe in reserving certain days or places for the expression of love. You’ll say goodbye when you’re ready, on your own terms.”
I wasn’t sure I’d ever be ready.
I think Lena sensed this. “Kellen wasn’t ready either,” she said. “He was there to stand by me, but he wasn’t fully… there, if that makes sense.”
It did.
“Lena,” I started, quietly. “Do you know where Kellen is?”
The anxiety that filled her eyes in that instant was undeniable. “No,” she said. “And that’s what worries me. Kellen’s keeping secrets and he hasn’t done that since his father died.”
I thought back to the stories he’d told me. Keeping secrets wasn’t the only thing Kellen hadn’t done since his father died. “I’m worried about him,” I admitted.
“I am too,” Lena said. “I just don’t know what to do.”
We sat there in silence for a few minutes before Lena stood up and made her way back to the stove. I glanced down at the picture she brought over from the fridge, the one of Kellen and I. Dr. M had said that I might be the only one who could get through to Kellen, but how was I supposed to do that when his mom didn’t even know what was going on with him?
A soft hum caught my attention. I looked over at Lena stirring ingredients into a pot on the stove. I knew exactly what she was humming the instant she started. It sounded so natural, like a reflex.
“You’ll never know dear, how much I love you,” she sang softly.
My eyes welled up a little as I mouthed the next part to myself.
Please don’t take my sunshine away.
Chapter 45
The Stars
The world still feels dark
Blackness surrounding me from all sides
But if you think of the night sky
And the stars glittering its surface
Like freckles on a body
You remember that the true beauty of light
Can’t be seen without a little dark
And just like the sun always sets on the world
Dawn always breaks soon after
It was a while later when Lena walked me out the front door. Kellen hadn’t shown up, but it had stopped raining and the sky was starting to darken, the first traces of stars peeking out behind the misty clouds like little sky freckles.
“Why don’t you let me drive you home?” Lena asked. “It’s going to be dark soon.”
“I’ll be fine,” I said. I was never really afraid of the dark. I saw the worried look on Lena’s face and added, “I’ll text you as soon as I get back.”
“Okay,” Lena said, still sounding concerned. She tilted her head up and gazed at the sky. For a second I thought she looked so peaceful, but then I saw all the pain on her face. I couldn’t even imagine what she was feeling.
“The nights are the hardest,” she said, still looking up at the sky. “When the rest of the world is asleep and everything is quiet.”
I knew exactly what she meant. “How do you get through it?” I asked.
She looked back down at me. “I come outside a lot. And I look at the stars.”
“Does it help?”
“Sometimes,” she said. “When I’m looking at the stars I can pretend I’m anywhere, because everyone sees the same stars.”
Lena looked up at the sky again and this time I did too. I looked up at the twinkling lights shining through the greys and blacks of the night sky.
“I hope Tony can see the stars,” I said. “From wherever he is now.”
I still didn’t know what I believed about this world and how we got here and where we’d end up, but I did know that if there was a next step, if there was a place for good people after they left this earth, then Tony Jordan would be there.
“I think Tony is the stars,” she said.
I ended up letting Lena drive me home. There was no need to have her worrying over whether or not I’d make it back in one piece. Plus, I figured we could both use some noise to quiet the silence of the night. So we drove to my house with the radio turned up loud, listening to cheesy pop songs that weren’t quite as terrible as I’d always thought.
“I love hamburgers so much, I get them a-all the time?” I asked. “Wow, this is my kind of song.”
Lena genuinely laughed at this. It was nice to see hear that sound again. “Those aren’t the lyrics, Carson.”
“Really?” I laughed. “I think they should be.”
“We can always make a remix,” she said.
“Okay, I’ll be DJ Racecar and you can be The Real Jordan.”
“I can already smell the millions we’ll make!”
“Don’t smell too hard,” I said. “You never know what kind of residue is left on those Hollywood dollars.”
Lena laughed. “Very good point. We’ll request checks.”
I smiled. I loved that Lena didn’t get offended by my sense of humor.
“My mom would never do this,” I said.
“Do what?”
“This,” I said, gesturing around us. “Blast music and joke about cocaine-coated dollar bills.”
“Have you talked to your mom, Carson?”
“We’re not very good at that,” I said.
Lena was quiet for a second. “We all have a different brand of love,” she said. “The way I show love might be different than the way your mom shows love, but neither one is right or wrong. Try talking to her, Carson. Talk to her while it’s not too late.”
I looked over and saw the fresh tears in Lena’s eyes. I knew she was thinking about Tony and I wondered what my mom would do if something happened to me. I’d never really thought about it before. I’d never considered that the things I did might scare or worry her, or cause anything besides annoyance really. Now as I rode back to my house with Lena, it was all I could think about.
When we pulled into the driveway I thanked Lena and walked up to my house. When I stepped inside I saw my mom sitting at the kitchen table. I took a deep breath and decided to take Lena’s advice.
“Hi, Mom,” I said, walking up to where she was, but also keeping a little distance between us.
“Hi,” she said. I could tell she was a little surprised by my initiation of a conversation.
“Do you think you could meet me here tomorrow after I get out of school?” I asked. “There’s something I want to talk to you about and I know you’re really busy at work but – ”
“Of course I’ll be here,” she said.
“Great,” I said. I stood there awkwardly for a few seconds, not really sure of what was supposed to come next. At Lena’s house there’d be hugging, but my mom and I weren’t there. I wasn’t sure if we’d ever be there, but I didn’t want us to keep going the way we were going: fighting and arguing and not knowing each other at all. “Goodnight, M
om,” I finally said.
“Goodnight, Carson.”
I figured that was a good enough place to start.
As I walked up to my front door the next day I found myself getting nervous. I didn’t know what my mom was going to say or do. It could just end up turning into another huge argument. She’d yell. I’d scream. She’d storm out of the room. I’d slam a door. We’d both walk away more pissed off than we were before. Part of me expected that, but it wasn’t what I wanted to happen. My mom and I weren’t perfect by any means, but life was short and I didn’t want to regret not trying. If I tried and it didn’t work out or she didn’t understand the real me, then at least I tried.
Over the last few weeks I’d learned that the real me wasn’t as horrible as I’d thought she was, a little hot-headed and impulsive sometimes, but not totally horrible. And she was capable of being loved. If I’d been wrong about myself this whole time then maybe I’d been wrong about my mom too.
When I walked through the door I was surprised to find her already sitting at the table, waiting for me.
“Hey,” I said, letting my shock show. “I wasn’t sure you’d make it.”
I’d thought I was going to be the one waiting for her to finish frosting a cake or dressing a batch of cupcakes up as cartoon characters. Honestly, I’d half-expected a phone call saying she couldn’t come.
“I said I’d be here.”
I had to tell myself that there wasn’t a snarky tone to her voice, because my instinct was to get defensive. I didn’t think my mom was trying to be annoying though, I think she was just confused and wondering why I’d so uncharacteristically asked her to sit and talk.
“Right,” I said, sitting down. I sat there for a solid two minutes staring at my hands.
“You said you wanted to talk to me about something,” my mom said.
“Yeah.” My throat felt thick. “I wanted to talk to you about me and about what’s happened.”
My mom just looked at me and waited for me to continue.
“I know you don’t understand, but it’s going to take me some time to get through this. Tony was special to me and losing him hurts so much, but I lost Kellen too and I’m having a really hard time dealing with that. I’m trying, but it’s not easy and I need you to be patient with me.”
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