by A. J. Downey
He was hurting, desperate for something good, desperate to be accepted and loved again. I mean, I know it wasn’t the same, that nothing would or could ever replace Maren, but maybe I could be that for him now?
“Sage, I have always loved and accepted you for who you are. The soft bits, the hard bits, all of it,” I murmured.
“I think I realize that now,” he said, gazing up at me.
I smiled gently and said, “I’m not going to suddenly stop now, simply because you’re hurting, simply because you’re having a hard time.”
He closed his eyes and swallowed hard, sighing out in what I think was relief.
“I shouldn’t be relying on you so hard right now,” he whispered. “It should be me that you turn to, like in your letters that I never fucking answered. I can’t tell you how much I regret that now.”
“I don’t. I mean, I wanted to keep in touch with you, sure,” I shrugged slightly, “but if we’re being honest, at some point, I stopped writing them for you and started writing them for me. I didn’t know if you read them, I didn’t even care after a while. It just felt good to even pretend to be heard.”
“Oh, baby,” he murmured, raising a hand to cup my cheek again. I closed my eyes and turned my face into the touch. “I heard you. I smiled with you and I hurt with you. I held you in my thoughts and wished for you. I just felt like I couldn’t really do a fucking thing about any of it.”
I nodded and sniffed, getting misty-eyed myself.
“I love you,” I whispered, and he smiled up at me.
“I think I love you too,” he said. “I mean, I think I’ve loved you for a long time. A lot longer than I was even willing to admit to myself.”
The anxiety was clear on his face as the confession left his lips.
“It’s okay,” I murmured and kissed him again. “I’m not going anywhere. I promise.”
It was awkward, bending like this to put my lips against his with him lying on my lap, but I didn’t care. My back could scream. I wanted to kiss and reassure my man.
16
Sage…
She was my garden of Eden. Her parents had named her so fucking appropriately. Her kiss as I lay in her lap confessing all my fucking secrets healed some of this fractured ache I’d been carrying around in my chest for so long.
I wanted her so badly, then. So fiercely, but there were way too many fuckin’ people around. I was a private man when it came to my intimacy. I felt caught out and sort of embarrassed that Rush had come in when he did, but at the same time… I was kind of grateful for that, too. I mean, we both hurt. We both still hurt. We probably could start helping each other instead of suffering in our own private pains.
I sat up and sighed. Eden smiled at me, my own personal angel, and asked, “Which one do you want to start with?” She waved a hand over the two ornament boxes.
“That tree’s not going to take them all,” I said dubiously, and she smiled.
“Probably not,” she said, looking at the poor tree with affection. The spindly fucked-up thing made her heart happy, like me somehow, against all odds.
“What about this one?” she asked, picking up what I presumed was her favorite out of the lot.
“What about that one?” I asked with a smile.
“I think it’s my favorite,” she said blushing, and I cocked my head.
“Why?”
“I love the purple,” she said, and I nodded. It was made from a solid chunk of purple heartwood.
“You know that’s the actual wood, right? Not dyed or stained or anything,” I said.
“Nuh-uh!” She didn’t believe me.
“It’s true, ask Rush or Chandler the next time you see them. You bake it in the oven and the heat brings out more of the purple.”
“Seriously?” she asked, taking it to the tree and hanging it on one of the branches.
“Dead serious,” I said, picking up another. I sighed. “This was Nox’s favorite.”
It was a mixed one – a light pine ball, the spindly pieces coming off the top and bottom, some deep, dark wood that was almost black. The real spectacular part was that Rush had somehow inlaid like a knot-work pattern of the dark wood into the lighter wood ball at the ornament’s center. It was impressive and truthfully had been my favorite, too.
“It’s beautiful,” Eden said, taking it from me.
“I think it’s my favorite, too,” I confessed, and she smiled at that.
“What about Maren’s favorite?” she asked softly.
I smiled and picked up the first one Rush had ever given her.
“It will always be this one,” I said. “She loved this one like no other.”
“How come?” she asked.
“Because it was the first,” I said. “Mare had a thing about firsts. I think it’s why I wanted to do this with you,” I said.
“Decorate a Christmas tree?” she asked, and I glanced up at her, her mouth a small ‘o’ of confusion that was utterly adorable.
“Decorate our first Christmas tree together,” I answered.
She smiled then, and it was so beautiful, so dynamic, my heart tripped all over itself in my chest.
“Here’s to a lot of firsts,” she murmured and hung the ornament.
She asked about every single one. About the story behind it, or what kind of wood, and with every single one we hung, I had a reminder of my sister – of her laugh, of her smile, of her beautiful face as she looked at Nox the way Eden looked at me now.
And somehow, by the time we hung the eighth and final ornament on the tree, I felt better. The memories of my sister, of the man who had become my surprising father figure in the wake of my own father’s death, didn’t hurt so much. I even smiled at a few of them.
Eden stood with me, the little tree aglow with the white little lights, its branches laden with the ornaments we could get on it without over burdening them. It was beautiful in its simplicity.
I took her hand, giving it a squeeze. “Thank you for doing this with me,” I said, and she smiled up at me.
“For what?” she asked softly.
“For loving me, for decorating this tree with me, for a lot of things.” She tucked herself into my side and hugged me tight and it felt so good. So pure.
“Think we should watch a movie or two?” she asked.
“I think we should definitely grab some dinner,” I said, and she smiled and nodded. “You going to stay with me tonight?” I asked.
“Absolutely,” she said and whatever low-key tension that still rode me after such an emotional day slipped away.
17
Eden…
We had dinner from the buffet set up at the bar, and went in to watch Christmas Chronicles with the kids, but both of us were exhausted. From the poor sleep the night before, from the physical and emotional labor of the day, we didn’t make it to Edward Scissor Hands or Lethal Weapon. We just wanted each other and to go to bed.
I trailed Sage up the hall from the hub to his club room, glad it was here in the main building and not in the satellite building out back. The room was dark except for the Christmas tree and I stopped and smiled at the magic of it, thinking to myself that it was a good first Christmas tree for the two of us.
I slipped my phone out of my back pocket and took some pictures as the door to his room whumped softly closed behind me and he threw the lock.
I smiled to myself at the sound, and that smile only grew when his arms went around me and pulled me back against him. His hands moved over my sweater, one over my middle, the other sweeping my curls aside so his lips could find the side of my neck.
My eyes drifted shut, and I covered the hand over my stomach with my own, the other falling to my side barely grasping my phone as the fingers went nerveless.
“Oh,” I breathed and my whole body went languid and euphoric.
The feel of his lips on the side of my neck went so much further than that, traveling through my whole body, along my spine and sweeping out through my ribs to cradle my
gently throbbing heartbeat.
I twisted, turning around in his arms and brought my lips up, begging for a kiss, his mouth finding mine in the dark.
“Sage,” I whispered as he took my phone from me and lightly tossed it onto the bedside table. His arms went fully around me, gripping my ass through my jeans and hauling me up hard against his body.
I twined my arms around his neck, buried my fingers in the back of his hair, and held him to me as the kiss we shared grew with passion.
He walked me, him moving forward, me moving back until my thighs hit the bed. I kept my one hand in his hair, so soft against my fingertips, the other I slipped under the hem of his tee, his skin so warm under my hand. Like he was burning up. Burning for me.
He pushed me down onto the bed and I gasped, his hand pushing my sweater out of the way, his lips coming in contact with my stomach.
Fast, this was moving too fast. My mind wound up into something akin to panic, not that I was actually panicking, more that I didn’t want this to move too quickly, I mean, I wanted to savor this.
“Sage!” I gasped, and he grunted, lifting my sweater and the tee beneath it higher, exposing my bra, my chest.
“Sage!” I uttered again desperately, and he stopped this time, head coming up, desire glittering in his deep brown eyes.
I swallowed hard, suddenly nervous to say it out loud but my courage ruled the day and I told him, “Slow down, it’s my first time.”
Puzzlement flashed across his handsome features followed quickly with realization.
“Oh, shit,” he whispered. “I’m sorry… I didn’t think about that.”
“It’s okay,” I murmured and swallowed hard again. “I just… I just want it to last.”
He smiled at me then and slipped to his knees, on the floor beside the bed where my legs dangled off the side. I sat up as he cupped my heel and lowered the zipper on the inside of one of my boots, slipping the leather from my foot.
“I can slow down,” he murmured gently, before doing the same to the other.
“Thank you,” I whispered.
“Do you want to do this tonight?” he asked, “Or would you rather wait?” He looked up into my face and there was nothing but sincerity on his as he said to me, “I’m good with either.”
“You mean that, don’t you?” I whispered.
“I do,” he said with a nod, jaw tightening.
I shook my head gently.
“I don’t want to wait,” I murmured, and he nodded, taking my socks from my feet.
“Okay, scoot over,” he murmured. “Let me get up there with you.”
I swung my legs up onto the bed and scooted over closer to the wall to give him room. He kicked off his boots and peeled off his own socks before joining me and laying on his side, laid a hand on my chest, between my breasts, over my heart, his mouth finding mine once more.
I reached for him, holding him as he held me and we kissed gently, for long minutes, things slowly ramping up. No less passionate, just gentler, a less scary pace, which I appreciated beyond words.
Clothing came off a piece at a time, and with each piece, Sage hesitated, asking if it was alright, waiting for permission to go further until I was just in my bra and panties and he in his boxer briefs.
We lay on our sides, kissing, his arm around me, my leg over his hip, his cock hot and hard pressing into my lower stomach until I worked up the bravery to reach between us, to slide a hand into the front of his shorts and wrap my fingers around him.
The skin was soft, surprisingly so – like velvet as I stroked him gently. He groaned, breaking the kiss, looking down our bodies between us, gasping, panting lightly as he watched me touch him.
“Fuck, Eden… like that. Just like that, baby.” His hips thrust unbidden, sliding himself in and out of my grip and I bit my bottom lip, nipples tightening, my pussy hot and throbbing, my panties wet.
“God, I want to touch you,” he said through gritted teeth.
“I want you to touch me,” I breathed, and he flicked his gaze to mine.
“You sure?” he asked.
“I’m sure.”
“I go much further than this, I’m going to have you, baby. You need to be okay with that. This is the last stop.”
“I’m good with that,” I murmured, and he searched my eyes and finally nodded slowly, pushing himself up, slipping my bra straps off my shoulders, delving his hands beneath me to unhook my bra. His movements drew his hips away from me and I let him go. He tossed my bra off the side of the bed and stood up, sliding his boxer briefs off his hips and down his legs.
I tried not to stare, but I wanted to. He came back onto the bed, his cock bobbing thickly between his legs, his abs bunching, as he kneeled beside my hips. He hooked his fingers into the waistband of my panties and I lifted my hips, our gazes locked as he whisked the simple black cotton bikini briefs off of me.
His eyes swept me from head to toe and back again and the expression on his face… it was as though he was burning this into his memory, another first… and you only get one first.
He cupped my breasts and swept his hands down my body to my hips. Situating himself, he nudged my knees apart with one of his, getting between my legs, resuming as he had before my clothes had come off, kissing his way up and down my body. Fixing my eyes with, his as he drew first one, then the other of my nipples into his mouth, teasing them with his tongue, his mouth hot, blowing on them and watching them tighten with the chill of his breath before moving down the other side of my body, teeth nipping lightly at my hipbone.
“I’m going to taste you,” he breathed. “Just relax, baby. Put your feet against my shoulders if you need to.”
I gasped as he settled down between my legs, bringing his mouth to my pussy, teasing the lips apart with the tip of his tongue. I fell back against the bed, staring at the ceiling, hands grasping the covers as I uttered, “Oh, God!”
I hadn’t known what to expect, but Holy Mother of God, that felt so good.
18
Sage…
She tasted like pure divinity. I don’t know how else to explain it. If golden light and angel song had a flavor, that was Eden’s taste. I loved her slow, panting breaths, her soft little moans like music to my ears as I brought her up slow. I wanted to make her come before I got my dick involved. Wanted to make this as easy as possible; scared I was going to hurt her.
Seriously, my anxiety about turning her off of sex with a bad first time was off the fucking charts. I didn’t care how fucking hot it was that I would be her first. That she’d waited for me to figure my shit out… I would not rush. I would not fuck this up.
“Oh, God… Sage.” Her voice was breathy, strained, and I knew she had to be right on the edge.
“Mm-hm,” I hummed against her clit.
“Sage!” Her voice sounded slightly panicked, and I wondered if she’d ever come before. I mean, hell if I knew.
“Sage!” Her voice went higher, and I paused and murmured, “It’s okay, I promise, just let it happen.”
I went back to teasing her clit with my tongue, slipping a finger inside her carefully, searching for her G-spot, that slightly rougher patch on her roof, just a couple of inches in. Her hips shot up off the bed and she cried out when I found it. I teased it with the pad of my finger, at the same time I teased her from the outside with gentle flicks of my tongue and she did not disappoint me.
Her fingers clutched at the covers by her hips and her back arched. Her body drawing tight as a bowstring as she sucked in a breath and then forgot to breathe altogether. I worked her good, teasing wave after wave of pleasure out of her. I kneeled between her thighs, smoothing my hands up and down her creamy skin as she shuddered beneath me.
God, she made a beautiful wreck beneath me. Her eyes heavy lidded with passion, speechless with afterglow, I went for the bedside drawer to grab a condom before she could come down too far.
I ripped open the gold foil packet with my teeth and extracted the slippery latex disc.
“I have an IUD,” she said suddenly, and I smiled at her as I rolled the condom on.
“Good to know, babe, but better safe than sorry.”
I snugged the condom at the base of my cock and let myself down over her, kissing the side of her neck, cradling her beneath the protective shelf of my body, working her up all over again.
“Oh, God, Sage – please,” she begged, and I wasn’t about to deny her.
“Deep breath,” I told her and as she got halfway through drawing it in, I thrust myself inside her. She sucked the rest in, in a gasping rush, her arms and legs both going around me and I stilled as she panted in shock beneath me.
“Talk to me, Eden. I hurt you?”
“No,” she whispered. “I mean, just a little.”
“Okay, okay, hang onto me, babe.” I kissed her softly, tenderly, and she kissed back, whimpering slightly as I rolled my hips, her body fluttering around me, taking me, getting used to my presence and holy God that was good. She was so good, slick and warm from her first orgasm. Wrapping me with a gentle pressure so fucking tight, so fucking good.
I was going to have a hard time keeping my ass in check. I wasn’t about to come until I had her writhing shattered beneath me one more time.
“Sage,” she whispered, and her voice held that same nervousness as before, but it held a gilt edge this time. A smile in her voice, a wanting, a desire… a sweet sexual awakening and I gave it to her sweetly with slow, rolling thrusts of my hips, careful not to bottom out. Careful not to go too rough or to do too much this first time.
I listened to her, drowned in her scent, immersed myself completely in her soft skin and gentle, unsolicited cues. Thrusting a little deeper, a little harder, but still at the same sedate pace when she grabbed a handful of my ass. Kissing her when her other hand found the side of my face, her thumb stroking over my cheekbone.
“Sage!”
God, I loved the sound of my name on her lips.
“Oh, God, Sage!”
