by Ford, Mia
“Yeah, you like it?” She winks at me. “You like sowing your seed?”
“It isn’t like I do it the old fashioned way, is it?” I laugh crazily. “But yes, it’s a lot of fun.”
“Fun?” She looks at me like I’ve gone a little crazy, which maybe I have. “Really?”
“Hmm, that’s true. Maybe it isn’t fun that I mean. It’s useful. It helps people.”
Her face softens then and she gives up the bold façade for a moment. “Yeah, that’s right. You do help people. I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t find you. I’m getting desperate to have a child.” Her eyes run up and down me and she smiles. “And with someone so handsome as well, I feel I’m just so lucky. This baby will have good genes.”
“Oh well, I don’t know about that.” I try to brush off those words because I think they are a defense mechanism. She’s probably embarrassed that she can’t have a baby with her husband. Her very wealthy husband judging by the size of her check, and she wants to cover it up. He might have everything, but he obviously doesn’t have sperm that works. “But I’m glad that I can help you. I want you to have what you desire.”
She gets that misty eyed look then, the one that I’ve noticed all women get when they think about motherhood. That’s what I want to achieve, I want people to have what they deserve. The women who work this hard to be a mother will be good at it too. It isn’t like it’s just an accidental pregnancy. They really want it.
I try to see this woman as a mom too, but it’s an alien image to me. I don’t really think about the kids that come later, they don’t have anything to do with me. Biologically, yes but obviously nothing more. They belong to these women; I don’t think a time will come when they all come looking for me.
I shudder. I don’t know what I’ll do if that happens. I’ll deal with that when it comes to it.
“You are a real sweet guy, aren’t you?” She pinches me playfully. “What does your girlfriend think about you doing this? She must have an opinion on you spreading your seed around the world. Even if it is for good.”
“I don’t have a girlfriend yet.”
“You don’t have a girlfriend? I don’t believe that. A good looking guy like you...”
“Really, I don’t have a girlfriend. I never have girlfriends. That just isn’t me.”
“Ah, I see.” She smiles knowingly. “You’re one of those. A play boy. A different girl every night.”
“Oh, I don’t know about that, but I don’t get into anything serious. Not since...” I almost say her name then but my voice box stops me at the very last moment. It blocks in my throat; I can’t speak about her.
“Ooh, who? That sounds juicy!” I can already tell that she won’t let it drop.
“Just some girl from college.” My heart wrenches in my chest. It’s agony. I probably crumble in front of this woman. “She was ‘the one’... or at least I thought she was. But I was too immature for her then.”
“What did you do?” She rests her hands on her hips. “I can already tell that you did something.”
I smirk as she sees right through me. “I was young and naïve, not even twenty-one years old yet...”
“I was married at twenty-one,” she shoots, shutting my theory down. “So, that’s not really an excuse.”
“Okay, so I was an idiot. That’s for sure. I panicked at how strong my feelings were for her and I kissed another girl at a party. My friends dared me, egging me on, and I went along with it. Like a fool. One of them took a picture of me and it went online... then the next thing, Elisha didn’t ever want to speak to me again.”
She opens her eyes wide, shocked by my behavior and I couldn’t help agreeing with her. I was an idiot. When I think about my beautiful brunette girl, the love of my life, the way she actually loved me too, I hate myself for giving up on what was so amazing. We really did have it all and I threw it away like a fool.
“Wow, well that’s really sad. You know, you deserve some happiness as well. You should try and search for her, get her back in your life, tell her that you are better now. That you’re ready for her.”
“I wish.” I cock an eyebrow at her. “Unfortunately she’s married.”
“Oh.” I shock her into silence. “I see. Well that is a real shame.”
“Yeah, well.” I shrug, hoping that I can come across in a blasé manner. “It is what it is.”
She rubs my arm slowly, trying to reassure me. “I’m sure you will find the right one for yourself.”
But as my eyes slide closed and I think about Elisha’s dark, warm brown eyes, her delicious curves, the way that she always tilts her head back as she laughs, I know there isn’t anyone else in the world. There isn’t any comparison. She’s too perfect, there isn’t anyone that will ever come close to her. She was the one for me and I lost her.
“I love you.” I even love the way she used to say that to me, like it was natural, as easy as breathing air. Unlike the other girls at college she wasn’t into playing games. She was happy to let me know how she felt and I loved her even more for that. I loved her so much that it kept me up at night. I couldn’t eat or sleep. I was a mess and I saw all my friends sleeping around and never catching feelings. I thought that there was something wrong with me, that I was losing my mind. The idea of spending the rest of my life with Elisha wasn’t suffocating. It didn’t make me panic but the thought of my friends knowing about my feelings was too much.
What an idiot I was to care about what other people thought. Now, I barely even speak to any one of them anymore. I cannot believe I let so many opinions affect me. I would never be like that again.
“Oh, I’m sure I will,” I reply tightly.
“And also, I hope you get your job in the media as well. My husband might have some contacts.”
“I don’t know how you will sell that. ‘Here is this guy who gave me his sperm. Give him a job’. I don’t think that will fly, do you?” I smirk at her and she nods understanding me. “Thank you though. I appreciate it.”
I stand to leave, there isn’t anything else to do apart from taking the check from her. This will cover my rent for the next few months, plus my utility bills, and food as well. It’s always a relief to get paid and this is why I like the high class clientele. Not only do they have plenty of money to keep me afloat, the child will be taken care of too.
“Okay, well hopefully this will work and you won’t need me again, but you know where I am.”
She waves the card with my number on at me. “I sure do.”
She walks me to the front door of her posh town house, kissing me on both cheeks to say goodbye and I leave. The whole area of these houses are beyond anything that I could ever afford, even with this job. It’s just a lifestyle that I can’t even aspire to have. I don’t know if I want it though. I don’t know how happy these people are. They seem it on the outside but I’ve seen the depth of the insides and it’s too much.
I head towards the nearest subway station with a small smile playing on my lips. I am glad to have helped another woman to make her dream come true. But the conversation about Elisha got to me too much for me. I try not to think about her as much as I can. I don’t like to remember her now because it’s something that is unattainable. Elisha Jones is the sort of woman that you don’t get another chance with. I noticed that the moment I saw her eyes flash with anger and hurt when she found out about that meaningless kiss with someone else. Instantly I was struck with the thought that I ruined everything. I knew then that she was gone forever, which she’s proven by getting married.
Stop it, I warn myself as I get nearer to the train. Don’t get lost in thoughts of her again.
The last time I allowed myself to look her up online I ended up on a drinking bender which isn’t like me at all. I don’t drink much because I don’t like being out of control, but then I did. I lost my head, I lost my mind and I ended up heart broken, bleating to a stranger in a bar that I lost the love of my life.
Never again, I can
not be that pathetic version of myself anymore.
Ring, ring... Ring, ring...
Just as I’m about to dive into the signal free depths of the subway station, I drag my cell phone out and I hit the answer button. It’s a number that I don’t recognize but that doesn’t bother me. That’s normal.
“Hello, Jacob Brown speaking.”
“Hello?” the posh sounding voice replies. “Are you the man from the paper?”
I smile, knowing this is yet another job coming my way. My ads in the newspapers have been a great success, my business has boomed like crazy and I’m richer than I’ve ever been. This is the money I will keep safe to make sure I can survive for a long while. I don’t know when I won’t be able to work as much and I really don’t want to go back home. I love my life here, it’s where I went to college, where I had my life with Elisha, where I live now.
“Yes, that’s me, can I help you?”
“Yes, I want to know about your services.”
I start to talk to her about what I do, hoping that she is willing to pay the amount I charge. She sounds like she will be like the one who would try to haggle the price. I might be willing to sell a part of myself but I’m not willing to drop the price. I think that’s worth it, and so do my clients.
* * *
Chapter 2: Elisha
“Oh, Elisha, you are the best thing that ever happened to me,” my husband, Terrance, practically whispers as he brushes his lips lightly against my cheeks. “I cannot believe how lucky I am to have you.”
His arms circle my waist and he pulls me closer to him, inhaling me as he does. He always makes me feel this way. Like I’m the most important person in the world, like nothing else matters to him but me. I love this sensation, it’s intoxicating. It runs through my veins like a drug, bringing me to life. It’s never been this way.
Once upon a time, I thought it would be like this, I thought I had a love that would last forever. I was over the moon. Yes, we were young, but we just knew and I thought that would take us forward... but then he cheated on me and he broke my heart. I didn’t think I would ever love anyone again after Jacob Brown.
But just after I left college, Terrance Mackay swept me off my feet and showed me what a real adult love could be. He made me see that what I had before was just childish. He’s older, almost a decade older than me, but that doesn’t matter. Love doesn’t understand age. Not when it feels as good as this. It’s perfect, all consuming.
Jacob Brown was a handsome boy with his piercing green eyes and floppy shaggy blond hair which was fine for me at the time, but Terrance is a man. A real, rugged man with muscles, dark hair, dark eyes, the body of a guy who has really been through life and is an adult. I absolutely love him for it.
“I love you too, Terrance.” He always likes it when I call him by his full name. That’s because he’s so mature, too grown up for nicknames and childish kisses at parties that ‘don’t mean anything’. “So much.”
He lifts me into the air and spins me around as if I weigh nothing. We both giggle like crazy, so happy that we don’t care what the rest of the world sees. This marriage has been the best thing to ever happen to me. My heart sings, my chest opens up with warmth, a dizziness almost swallows me up. This is how love is supposed to feel. I cannot believe that I almost went through life without experiencing how incredible it can be.
“You’re so beautiful, you know that?” His eyes are glazed over with love. “So stunning. I don’t think I have ever seen anyone as gorgeous as you. You make me feel so amazing. God, I’m so happy with you.”
A happy tear streams down my cheek, probably dragging some make-up off with it but I don’t care. It doesn’t matter what I look like, I know for a fact that Terrance will always love me just the way I am.
“Don’t ever leave me, Terrance,” I whimper desperately. “I need you to be with me forever.”
He pulls me to him and kisses me lightly on the lips. “I would never ever leave you, Elisha....”
“Elisha!” As Terrance snaps me from my daydream with a harsh tone, reality circles me once more. That was my life once upon a time. I love that memory. It reminds me of the early days when things were good. He swept me off my feet, sold me a dream, and married me a few months later. I thought it would be as wonderful as that forever. How little I knew things would change around so rapidly. “What the hell is this?”
He flings a shirt in my face, almost hitting me as he does. I scoot backwards in my chair trying to work out what happened between that version of Terrance and the one that I’m stuck with now. Slowly, tentatively, I reach out and I grab the shirt, my eyes running all over it. I soon see a burn from the iron.
“I don’t know how this happened,” I whisper. “I wasn’t there.”
“Well, we need to fire the housekeeper then. The one you have now is a nightmare.”
“I could just do it...” I try to offer, but he shoots me down instantly.
“No way. We have money for a reason. We are not doing things ourselves.”
This is the reason that he married me, I think. For my family money. Only I was too stupid to see it at the time. I married him without even considering a pre-nup because we just did it on a whim. We were so lost in love that I didn’t even think about it. I’m sure he did though, that’s what all of this was about.
Now, he acts like the money is his, like he deserves to have people working for him, like the money for his start-up which is still hemorrhaging cash is his right. That disgusts me. My family have always had money and we’ve never been like that. My father is very grateful for what he has and his humbleness has rubbed off on me.
“No, of course not.” I hang my head low, knowing that I can’t argue with him. It isn’t worth it. I don’t have the emotional energy to have a long drawn out battle which I will inevitably lose anyway. His manipulation techniques are top notch. I’m used to it now. “I will sort out someone else to work for us.”
“Good because I have a bit of a late night meeting coming up.” He smirks as if he thinks that this is a secret from me. I know what a late night meeting is, I’m not an idiot. I see the lipstick and smell the perfume. I just let it happen because it’s better than him coming anywhere near me. “So I need to look my best for it.”
“Of course you do, Terrance.” I rise from my seat. “I’ll see what I can find for you.”
I trudge up the stairs, a heaviness to my limbs as I go. My whole body aches from the energy I need to deal with Terrance. If only I could divorce him, my life would be so much easier. I cannot let him have any of my father’s money. I cannot do that to my dad, it would absolutely destroy him.
The only thing I can hope is that he will fall so much in love with one of his mistresses that he will want to leave me and not care about the money. If he only wanted a little bit then I could bear, but I know he will want it all. I’m nothing to him but a cash cow. He doesn’t care about me one bit. |He would love my life to be destroyed.
I seriously have the worst taste in men, all they want to do is hurt me.
Eventually, I manage to satisfy Terrance enough to send him out of the door, into the arms of another woman, and I can breathe a sigh of relief. This house is delightfully empty without him, I love it. But it won’t be empty for long, now I know that he will be out for hours, my best friend and neighbor, Madison, can come around. I fire off a text to her quickly, and only moments later she shows up at the door with her gorgeous baby boy in her arms.
“Hey there, Elisha, how are you doing?” Her tone is soft; she knows that I’m struggling.
“I’m good, don’t you worry about me.” I force a bright smile on my face. “Come in, let’s have a drink.”
I take Madison into the kitchen and pour us both a glass of wine. She rests her baby into the pushchair and blows her hair out of her face. Madison thinks that motherhood has left her scruffy but she’s as glamorous as ever.
“It’s a good job that I’ve pumped some milk, I really need a drin
k.”
I slide the glass over to her and giggle as she glugs it down hungrily. This woman is the only person to keep me sane in this hell of a life. I’m so glad she lives so close to me.
“Little Benji is gorgeous,” I coo as I lean over the pram. “You must be so proud.”
“Oh, I am. I love him. But he is a nightmare. He keeps me up all night long.”
My eyes glaze over and I’m swallowed up by maternal instincts. All I want is a child of my own in my arms. A baby to love me as much as I love him or her. “He’s just beautiful.”
“You should have a baby, you know,” Madison tells me, knowing about my desires.
“I want one, but I can’t exactly have one with Terrance, can I? I hate him.”
“Why the hell should he dictate what you do? You should have one anyway.”
I’m stunned by her words. “What, you mean like have an affair?”
I know for a fact that that wouldn’t happen. That isn’t me at all. I don’t like the commitment that I made, but it was my choice to do so and I’m going to stick with it for as long as I need to.
“No, use a sperm donor. That way, when you do get rid of Terrance, he won’t have any rights to the child.”
Ironic that once upon a time I didn’t want him to leave me, now that is all I want.
“Yeah, that would be good.” I hug my arms to my chest and picture a baby there.
“So, why not do it? You’re a perfect mother already. You would probably love the sleepless nights and stuff. I can’t imagine you ever getting tired and frustrated with all the endless crying. You should do it.”
I like the idea all too much. It touches me deeply and makes me yearn. Terrance wouldn’t be interested in a child anyway and that probably might be the thing to push him away, thank goodness. The screaming, the yelling would destroy him. I don’t even think he would fight for custody, not that I would have to give it.
It’s an idea I want to turn into a reality, even if it is crazy.
