by Vivi King
There was a long pause as he regained his breath. I brought my aching legs together, feeling the warm stickiness on my upper thighs and thinking how different it had all felt with Tony in his apartment only a few days ago.
That was the last time he and I had fucked; the last time I had reached orgasm. The last time I had cheated on my husband, my inner voice suddenly said loudly, turning the memories of arousal and excitement into deep feelings of remorse and shame.
“You know it would be okay?” Pete’s voice brought me out of my reverie with a start.
“Hmmm?”
“I said it would be okay if you found someone to bring you what I can’t.”
“I know. You’ve told me many times!” I replied.
“And I mean it,” he insisted. “If that’s what it takes then I would be okay about it!”
“Do you really mean it, Pete?” I asked, staring at the ceiling. “I mean really, really mean it?”
“Of course! If I can’t make you cum then we’ll have to find someone who can.”
The familiar words of persuasion suddenly took on a new meaning. Suddenly I realized the moment of truth had arrived; I had to tell my husband about my affair, I had tell him there and I had to tell him then. There would never be a more appropriate moment to break news as difficult to hear as this.
Looking back, telling Pete there and then was madness; ill thought-out madness too, unfair both to my husband and my lover but at that moment it seemed the only option. So, without even thinking about warning Tony, I took a deep breath, felt my chest tighten with anxiety then took a bold step into the unknown.
“There’s something I have to tell you,” I began falteringly.
“What is it, Penn?” Pete asked, his tone of voice suggesting he knew something big was coming.
“You’ve told me many times it would be okay if I found a lover.”
“Yes. And I mean it.”
“Well, Pete... I’ve... I’ve already found someone!” I mumbled.
“What?”
“I’... I have found someone. Someone who can make me cum.”
“What are you saying?” he asked as if his mind was unable to grasp what his ears were hearing.
“I’m saying I’ve been sleeping with someone else,” I almost choked on the words.
“Jesus Penny!”
He sat bolt upright in bed and turned towards me. I did the same, meeting him face to face.
“I’m sorry Pete. I know it must be a shock...”
“You’re not fucking kidding!” he interrupted.
“But I’ve been doing what you said you wanted.”
“Jesus Christ, Penny!”
Pete jumped out of bed, standing naked alongside the mattress, his flaccid, recently-used cock hanging darkly between his thighs. He should have looked absurd; instead he looked wounded.
“It’s what you told me you wanted,” I protested, rising on my knees. “You’ve told me hundreds of times it would be okay if I had sex with another man. Now I’ve done it!”
“You’re really serious?”
“Yes Pete. I’m serious!”
He began to pace up and down the bedroom floor.
“Fuck! Who is it? No! Don’t tell me! How... how long has it been going on?”
“Nearly five weeks.”
“Five weeks! How many times have you done it with him?” he demanded, still pacing angrily.
“You really want to know?”
“Yes! No! Fuck, I don’t know! How could you do this Penny?”
“I thought you wanted me to!”
“I did... well, I thought I did but now... Fuck Penny! I can’t believe you did it! You’ve actually fucked someone else for real? Not just one of our fantasies? You’ve actually cheated on me?”
He was still now, staring hard at me as I knelt helplessly on the bed, equally naked. I couldn’t think
what to say so I remained silent. I could hear him breathing heavily and saw tears coming into his eyes.
“Are you in love with him? Are... are you going to leave me?” he eventually asked, his voice broken and choked.
“No!” I insisted loudly. “Not if you don’t want me to. I don’t love him; I still love you Pete. It’s just sex, like you told me so many times you wanted!”
There was another long pause then he spoke softly and quietly but coldly.
“Is he good at it? Does he really make you cum?”
“You really want to know?”
“Y... Yes.”
“Then yes Pete, he’s very good at it and makes me cum almost every time.”
I heard a soft whimper of pain escape his lips.
“But I don’t love him like I love you. It really is just sex. I thought that was what you wanted.”
“Please Penny, don’t say that again.’
“But...”
“I thought it was what I wanted too, but now it’s happened... I don’t know any more!”
There was a long pause, one in which my husband of over twenty years seemed unable even to look at me.
“If you want, I’ll stop seeing him,” I said eventually, realizing that, despite the fantastic sex, I really would have stopped it there and then if Pete asked me to.
Instead he took a deep breath and apparently with some difficultly looked deep into my eyes. I could see the redness and upset in his and it hurt me inside.
“Do you want to stop seeing him?” he asked, quietly.
I thought for a moment.
“Honestly?”
He nodded.
“I think honesty is the only option now, don’t you?”
“Then no, I don’t want it to stop,” I replied. “I’d like to keep on seeing him and be married to you, but only if you really are okay about it. You have to be honest about that, Pete.”
“And you’d really stop if I asked you?”
“Yes, Pete. I really would.”
There was an even longer pause; eventually I couldn’t keep silent and turned towards him.
“Do you still want me?” I asked. “Have I just destroyed our marriage?”
“No! Well, I don’t think so! I... I really don’t know. I need a bit of time and space.”
There was a long pause. I felt sick. I don’t know how I imagined he would react but it wasn’t like this.
“I think I’ll sleep in the spare room tonight,” he eventually said, grabbing his pajamas from the bedside chair.
“Pete!” I grabbed his hand but he shook me away.
“Let me go, please Penny. I need time to think.”
“Pete I’m so sorry I...”
“Goodnight Penny!” he said and left the room.
***
I suspect neither of us slept a wink that night. I know I didn’t; the entire night was dominated by feelings of guilt, shame, regret, self-loathing and many other emotions that the darkness brings out. I
had hurt the man I loved and had hurt him badly. Despite the many times he had told me how much he wanted me to take a lover, now it had actually happened the reality had been more painful for him than I had imagined.
My mind painted vivid images of what life as a divorcee might be like; the pain of the process, the legal battle, the shame of having my infidelity known throughout our friendship group. Then afterwards, living in a small house or flat, my children being ashamed of me, my family treating me with contempt.
But then came equally vivid images and memories in my mind of what sex with Tony had felt like and the certain knowledge that whatever happened, I really did not want it to stop.
I must have fallen asleep at some point because I was woken early the next morning by the sound of the front door being closed and Pete’s car reversing along the driveway. It was six o’clock; a full ninety minutes earlier than he would usually leave. I jumped out of bed and ran to the guest room to find his bed made but no other signs of his having moved out.
For the whole of that day, Pete either ignored my calls and messages or else simply repl
ied with the one line:
‘I just need some space to think’
When I phoned Tony to tell him what had happened he was unsurprisingly anxious to know whether Pete knew who my lover was, presumably to be prepared for any unwanted and potentially violent ‘meetings’ that might take place. He was very relieved when I explained Pete had said he didn’t want to know who my partner in crime was.
Pete didn’t come home that night or the night after. There were enough terse text exchanges for me to know he was still safe and at work but the pain in knowing he couldn’t stand being in the same house as me was almost too much to bear.
Interestingly, although he offered many times, I didn’t want to go to Tony’s and stay with him. I wanted to be findable; at home or in my office if and when my husband wanted me. It was all but impossible to concentrate at work but I couldn’t let anyone know what had happened so I had to force myself to behave as normally as possible while my mind was fixed on the terrible thing I had done to the man I loved.
Thank God none of the kids called to speak to their father.
After two terrible, guilt-ridden, sleepless days on my own, I was woken early on the Wednesday morning by noises coming from downstairs. It was still dark but I realized that Pete must have returned. My heart thumping in my chest, I listened hard for any clues as to what he was doing, expecting at any moment to hear the packing of bags prior to him leaving me.
Eventually I heard the familiar and reassuringly normal sound of the kettle beginning to heat up. It took all my courage but eventually I got out of bed, pulled my robe around my shoulders and padded downstairs towards the source of the sounds and the future of my marriage – if I still had one.
Pete looked tired and upset too when I entered the kitchen as silently as I could as if unworthy to be there or to behave in any way normally.
“Hello,” I said softly as I approached him from behind, making him jump slightly. “How are you?”
“What? Oh hi! Good morning Penny.”
It was a better greeting than I had feared. Better than perhaps I deserved.
“Are you okay? Where have you been?” I asked tentatively.
“I’m okay,” he replied, ignoring the second part of my question.
“It’s very early. Have you slept?” I asked.
Pete sighed.
“I’m not sure I’ve slept for the last three nights to be honest. How about you?”
“Pretty much the same,” I replied truthfully, instinctively beginning to put away the dishes from the draining board as if in a vain attempt to distract myself and feel vaguely normal.
Eventually the futility dawned on me and I asked him straight out.
“You’ve come home. Does that mean you’ve thought about it? About us? Are we... are we... still together...after...” I couldn’t finish the sentence.
He poured two mugs of tea and handed one to me, mumbling something under his breath; something that sounded like ‘Be careful what you wish for!”
“Are we still together? After you’ve been having an affair? I honestly don’t know, Penny. I still can’t get my mind around it. Part of me tells me that I did want you to do it; that it should be okay. Another part of me can’t bear it.”
I hung my head instinctively in shame. But he hadn’t finished.
“I still can’t believe you actually cheated on me, Penny. I know what I said about finding a lover but it hurts! I suppose deep down I didn’t think you’d ever go through with it. I certainly didn’t think you’d do it without talking it through with me first. Now I’ve lost you for real I’m not sure how I feel.”
“You haven’t lost me!” I protested, “Not if you still want me! I know I don’t want to lose you.”
He turned to face me.
“You really mean that? You really want us to stay together?”
“Yes! Really I do! I love you Pete!”
“But you want to keep on seeing this man? You want to keep on... fucking him?”
I winced at his use of the ‘f’ word. He noticed.
“Let’s not by coy about this, Penny; it’s called fucking. You’ve been fucking another man. Are you’re sure that’s all you want it to be? You just want to fuck him, that’s all? You haven’t fallen in love?”
He really was upset; Pete would never have used the ‘f’ word like that before.
“It’s only physical, honestly,” I insisted. “And I’d only do it at all if you really were okay about it. If you ask me to stop then I will stop.”
Now it was his turn to take a deep breath. He turned to face me, took my hands in his and squeezed them.
“I love you Penny; I love you like mad but what you did was wrong. You deceived me; you betrayed me.”
I made to protest but he cut me off.
“Oh I know I said I wanted you to do it; that it would be okay but I didn’t mean you should go behind
my back and fuck someone in secret. That wasn’t fair; that wasn’t open and honest. And if we’re anything to each other I thought we were honest.”
I felt sick. I felt ashamed. All my online friends had been right!
“Have you been with him since you told me?”
“No,” I shook my head.
“And if I ask you not to, you’ll never see him again? You really mean that?”
“I really mean it, Pete,” I insisted, my mind and voice very anxious.
There was a long pause during which I could say nothing and do nothing other than watch the handsome man I loved and had hurt so badly.
“I’ve had three long nights to think about this,” Pete finally continued. “I wanted to hate you; I wanted to despise you, I wanted to feel repulsed by you, I wanted to hurt you and hurt him. But I couldn’t. I’m crazy about you Penny; I always have been and I think I always will be.”
“I feel the same, Pete but...”
“BUT,” he cut me off sharply. “But this wasn’t what we fantasized about. This wasn’t like the fun we had together in bed. This wasn’t a wife-sharing fantasy like we pretended; this was straightforward cheating, Penny. You cheated on me and it sounds like you have cheated on me many times. It’s a betrayal, there’s no other way to describe it!”
He took a deep breath.
“So I’ve made a decision.”
I stared at the floor in front of me, unable to look my husband of over twenty years in the eye; waiting for the axe to fall on our marriage and for my life to fall apart.
“Pete I...” I mumbled.
“Please let me finish or I might not be able to manage,” he said, rather less angrily than before. “I accept this is in some way my fault too. I accept that I might have put the idea in your mind. Although it’s still a massive betrayal I appreciate that you eventually told me voluntarily.”
There was a pause that seemed to last most of my life as I waited for the world to come down around my ears; for my marriage to end, for my children to hate me.
But it didn’t happen. To my disbelieving ears, my amazing husband continued:
“So I’ve had to make one of the toughest decisions of my life. I love you Penny. I’ve always loved you and this... this affair has made me realize how much. The truth is I adore you. I now understand that I couldn’t bear to live without you so...” he took yet another deep breath before saying the words I could scarcely believe I was hearing.
“So if fucking another man is what it takes to make you happy, then I’m prepared to try and live with it!”
“Pete!” I exclaimed, astonished, raising my wide-open eyes to his. “You mean it? You still want me?”
“Christ yes!” he was in tears now. “The last few nights have made me realize how much you mean to me. As long as you still love me; as long as you still want to be my wife then I'm prepared to try and live with you fucking another man too.”
This was almost too much to take in. My mind was spinning.
“But that’s all it can be Penny; just fucking. You have to promise faithfully that if it
ever looks like being a threat to our marriage; if you feel you’re falling in love with him or if I ever ask you sincerely to stop seeing him then you WILL stop seeing him!”
I looked my amazing husband straight in the eye.
“I promise, Pete. I swear.”
“And you’ll be honest with me all the time? If I ask you to tell me what the two of you have been doing, you’ll tell me the truth, no matter how personal or detailed it is?”
These conditions were so close to all that my online cuckold friends had predicted that it was unnerving. I could do nothing but agree.
“I promise, Pete. Truly I promise if it’s what you want.”
“And you must be very, very discreet. As far as the world is concerned, you must still my normal,
faithful wife. I couldn’t bear it if it got out and all our friends knew I was a...” he struggled to say the word, ‘... a Cuckold!”
“I promise that too. Only the three of us will ever know.”
“How can you be sure he - your lover won’t tell?” he almost choked on the word.
“Trust me; I know. He’ll be discreet too,” I assured him.
“Is he married?”
“Yes. Well, sort of...” I said.
Pete breathed deeply. I looked carefully at the man I had married over twenty years ago and who had just learned that his normal, ordinary wife had been extraordinarily unfaithful to him. To my amazement, his boxer shorts were straining under the pressure of an enormous erection.
He took a step towards me, then another, then a third.
“Christ, Penny you make me feel so...”
Suddenly I was in his arms and he was hugging me tightly, his lips on mine, his tongue deep in my mouth. I opened for him, my tongue seeking his and tangling with it as our mouths molded together passionately.
Then his hands were on me forcefully, tearing my robe from my body with an unfamiliar strength – almost a violence that gave me no chance to object or respond. Seconds later his trousers and shorts were around his ankles, my night dress was roughly rammed under my armpits and he had pushed me backwards over the kitchen table, forcing my legs apart with his strong hands.
“Fuck you Penny!” his voice was hard and coarse. “Fuck! Fuck! Fuck you and your cheating!”
“Oh Pete!” I gasped as he lifted my knees high and wide, exposing my vulva completely and grotesquely, my body helpless and unresisting before him. I should have been afraid at his unfamiliar anger but in a perverse way I wanted him to treat me this way, as if I deserved the violence, as if I needed to feel his anger and pain.
