by W.H. Harrod
~~ Chapter Twenty-Three
“Just for my personal curiosity, how many of those chalupas did you eat, Ernest?” asked Allison as he guided the VW bus back over the road they came into town on earlier.
“How do you know that I ate any?” responded Ernest indignantly.
“Because you stood right in front of the food table causing everyone to have to move around you if they wanted to get at what you were treating as your private larder. You can tell me the truth because I’m not about to tell Rosa Lee how terribly you have eaten. The poor lady would have a heart attack if she found out.”
Ernest thought about what she said before answering. “The chicken or the beef?”
“Both,” she replied.
“Well, let’s see now, I expect maybe a half-dozen. I messed up and left the last one on the plate too long and a little old lady with a cane slipped in behind me and beat me to it. You really can’t trust old people. I’m learning that more and more. What do you think, Sam? Do you agree that you can’t trust old people?”
“Hold on there, Senor Burrito Bandito. We’re not finished with my question yet,” interjected Allison before Sam could respond. “I have one last thing to say on the entire subject, forever. You are a physician! You know about cholesterol, about the dangers of eating too much fat, about heart problems, about death!”
Everyone waited for Allison to finish. When it became apparent she had finished, Sam answered Ernest’s earlier question.
“I’ll have to agree with you on that one big guy. Why only last week I sat in a coffee shop and when I got up to get a refill some sneaky old codger swooped in and filched my paper. When I told him I wasn’t finished with it, he said I shouldn’t have abandoned it because now it belonged to him. I -”
“Ahhhhhhhhhh!” screamed Allison as she grabbed her head as if it were going to explode.
All this time Bobby sat silently in the back seat. His friends knew how cathartic the meeting had been for him. Allison felt more confident about Bobby’s attitude. As far as she was concerned, if nothing else on the trip served any useful purpose, Bobby’s successful visit with the Mendozas made the whole trip worth it.
Giving up on Ernest, Allison turned towards Bobby. “Bobby, I have a hunch you might be planning a trip to Dallas fairly soon. Am I right?”
His response was less upbeat than she expected. “I expect I might be doing that very thing, if everything works out in San Francisco.”
“I don’t understand,” said Allison. “What does San Francisco have to do with your going to Dallas? You’ve slain your dragon.”
Bobby took his time before replying. “I told my crew that our primary objective that last day and all the previous days in ‘Nam was to stay alive so we could go home. I did everything I could to make that happen, but I failed. Today I am part of another mission that holds the possibility of my crew also coming under fire. While there is breath left in my body, I will do all that I can to see that this crew does go home. Only then, will I go to Dallas.”
Allison did not doubt Bobby’s sincerity.
“What the heck are those things?” asked Ernest as he craned his neck checking out the elevated skyline in front of the bus. For the past several miles their route had taken them upwards towards a pass that permitted entrance into the expansive California San Joaquin Valley, which ran for hundreds of miles from north to south. Much of the produce sold in the supermarkets throughout the country came from this area.
“Those must be the Tehachapi wind turbines. There are thousands of them,” answered Sam. “I’ve done some research on this and if we’re smart, we’ll be seeing more of this in the near future. This is energy as clean as you can get it. You’re actually looking at a power plant here. These wind turbines produce millions of watts of clean, non-polluting electricity. As fossil fuels become scarce, you’ll be seeing more of this. The capitalization cost of creating energy centers such as this are still greater in the short term than the cost of generating the environmentally destructive stuff we are hooked on now, but as I said, things are changing. You are looking at the future, if we are lucky enough to get there.”
They ascended the pass and headed down the other side. Everyone gazed out at the surrounding hills covered with the giant energy producing wind machines. Sights such as this gave Allison hope that all was not lost for future generations. In some places, intelligent people were doing things that made sense for the long term as well as the short term.
“Remember to stay on Highway 58 through Bakersfield. Then cross over Highway 99 and go until we hit Interstate 5, which will take us north,” said Sam, reminding Ernest of their altered route.
Hundreds of miles of flat terrain lay ahead of them before they reached their ultimate objective, the San Francisco bay area. Although Allison felt a sense of urgency, she saw no wisdom in driving like maniacs to arrive an hour before or even an hour after the President’s now meaningless deadline. There was going to be a war, that part had been settled. Young people were going to die, again. Once again those fortunate families who didn’t have loved ones in the war would graciously thank the grieving families for their loved ones’ sacrifices for the welfare of the country. Allison believed it was more a case of providing welfare for the rich and powerful corporations that managed to successfully install their handpicked representatives, and in many instances, former employees into positions of leadership throughout the current administration. This was not the only administration that brought in corporate insiders with impunity. This had gone on for as long as Allison could remember, even back to that tragic ‘60s administration that tried to identify itself with the Arthurian legend. Many of the public officials directing the war effort then were also former employees of the big corporations that stood to make a profit from the war.
One thing that impressed Allison, though, was the amount of noise people of the cloth made in opposition to this ill-conceived military adventure, this so-called preemptive war, supposedly so essential to our survival. No less a person than the Pope had spoken out against it, and joining with him were members of the Jewish religion and leaders within the Islamic faith as well as leaders of many theological institutions. Most of the leaders of the Protestant churches, including the Methodist church, the same church the President professed to be a member of, spoke out at length against a preemptive war.
So far, the only religious groups that had found reason to support the idea of a preemptive attack were fundamentalist denominations generally located in the rural areas that relied upon a narrow interpretation of scripture. They ended their unpersuasive arguments by reminding the heathen that, “Jesus did not bring peace, but a sword.” Through the centuries, misfortune has been created by fear-based religions that choose a literal interpretation of scriptures, then codified, translated, and retranslated for dubious purposes numerous times through the centuries.
Allison wearied of thinking about the shortsightedness and, in some instances, the downright stupidity exhibited by the various groups pushing so hard to put another young generation at risk. She forced herself to think of other things.
The magnitude of the agricultural enterprise surrounding them on all sides soon monopolized her attention to the same degree as the wind turbines did only an hour before. California was a geographical wonderland. Chances are that whatever you found yourself looking at was the highest, the lowest, the driest, the hottest, the most desolate, the most scenic, the most seasonally pleasant, or the most seismological unstable place in the entire contiguous forty-eight states. With millions of acres of land devoted to growing so much food, one might naturally determine that no living human in this country should have to go without. Mile after mile of irrigated cropland spread out on both sides of the highway as far as the eye could see. Why then does one out of every ten persons in this country go hungry, especially when over sixty percent of the adult population is considered obese?
After a time Allison’s thoughts wandered to other areas. The passengers in
the bus had grown quiet. This occurrence seemed odd to Allison, especially since they were in the home stretch. In a few hours, they would be at the front. In Allison’s mind, they were going into battle. Their enemies, though often visible only in the form of uniformed brutality, included those groups who sponsored government obstruction and deceit at the highest level, the ones who misused and endangered military personnel for personal gain as well as religious institutions that prevented terminally ill human beings from dying with dignity. Allison took no comfort in the knowledge that in every instance these offending institutions or individuals were put in place to supposedly protect, and help, the very citizens they abused.
The more Allison thought about the difficulty and the danger ahead, the greater her fear grew. Her courage and her determination had gone unopposed two thousand miles away, back in Missouri, but now the reality of what she had started closed in on her. She almost died the last time and so did Sam. Maybe their luck would run out. A nauseating feeling gained a foothold in the pit of her stomach and refused to let go. Did she care enough to risk her life again? What about her family? What would they do if she was beaten like the last time? Did she have a right to risk the lives of her three friends? What have I done? A thought began to creep up her spine towards her brain that they should stop right there and go no further. This whole thing is crazy!
Allison closed her eyes and tried to meditate in hopes of regaining control over the fear that had so suddenly taken over her mind and spread throughout the rest of her body. She became aware of her hands shaking. She was coming apart. What could she do? She had to do something before she dissolved into a quivering mass in front of her friends.
As she conceded her inability to do anything to avoid a public crisis of faith in their mission, she felt a strong calloused hand enclose hers. The feeling of relief she experienced could be compared to that of a drowning person being thrown a life rope. The comforting hand belonged to Bobby. He instinctively sensed her discomfort and once more was there to help.
“I’ve seen that look many times little sister. Don’t try to hide it. Let it come out so you can deal with it head on before we get into the fight,” said Bobby.
“What do you mean?” asked Allison as soon as she regained control of her breathing.
“I’ve seen that look hundreds of times before guys go into battle. They’re terrified of everything. Are they going to die? Will they let their buddies down? Will they turn out to be cowards? What will become of their loved ones if something happens to them? This happens all the time.”
As Bobby talked, Allison felt as if he told her story.
“Did you ever ask these questions?” she asked.
“Sure I did, and more than once.”
“What were the answers? How did you get over the fear?”
“I never did get over the fear. It’s not reasonable to expect that a person won’t be afraid when their life can be over in a split second because of what they are going to do, or where they are going to go. No, you don’t want to be unafraid. That would render you useless and possibly dangerous to your own people. You find the courage to go forward, not for some grand and noble cause, but often because your friends and fellow soldiers need you or because you are a part of a long family tradition of doing your duty when your country calls. Leave the grand and noble causes for the orators, the politicians, and the generals. When we get to San Francisco, I will go forward because of my love for you three people. If you go forward, I go forward. Believe in the people you are fighting with or you shouldn’t be there fighting in the first place. Make these decisions before you go and then draw upon their courage. If you have a God, ask your God for the courage. Don’t try to do this alone.”
Allison noticed that Sam had turned around and was listening to Bobby.
“How about you Sam, are you afraid? You almost went down for the full count the last time yourself,” asked Allison.
Sam hesitated prior to answering her. “Yes, I am afraid. In fact, I’m almost terrified. The source of my fear may be different from yours, Allison, although I don’t expect it makes any difference in the end.”
“I don’t understand,” said Allison.
“The source of your fear is external; you’re afraid of them. The source of my fear is internal; I’m afraid of me. You’re fearful of being killed or maimed by a bunch of government thugs. I’m fearful of what I might do to myself if I cannot reignite some passion to do something of value for this world as I once did. I cannot go on the way I am. I have to find some purpose or as I said before, I’ll put an end to this nightmare someday. Your fear proposes to save your life by preventing you from going into danger while my fear wants to save my life by placing me in a position where, hopefully, I can once more find that purpose. Still though, the mission is self-preservation in both instances. You may want to ask yourself the same question that I do. Can you not do this and live with yourself? I can’t.”
Allison looked at the back of Ernest’s head as he sat behind the steering wheel unsure if he had taken in any of this recent discussion.
“Ernest, did you happen to overhear any of what we just now discussed?” she asked him.
“I heard every word.”
“Do you feel any fear? I know you have a big decision ahead of you regarding the professor.”
“I hate to be the party pooper, but I’m not feeling any fear at all. As for the professor, I’m not going to do anything to help him end his life. All I said was, out of respect for what he did for me years ago, I would come out to talk with him, and that’s all I’m going to do. As far as protesting, I didn’t protest back in the ‘60s so I don’t see why I would want to start now. I do plan to be close by in case anything happens to you nuts, and I will have my medical bag with me just in case.”
Ernest’s response didn’t surprise Allison. He had formed a plan years ago, and it had worked well for him throughout the intervening years. Do your best to take care of what you can. Don’t try to figure it out or be a big picture guy. Take care of your family, neighborhood, and city and expect that there are other responsible people doing the same in the communities down the road. He must have read “Candide” and decided that Voltaire’s edict to ‘tend your own garden’ made sense, thought Allison.
“Bobby, you have once more come to my rescue, and, again, I thank you. You are a blessing in my life. Sam, I also want to thank you, and you, too, Ernest as your confidence in what you’re doing gives me hope. I still feel half sick to my stomach with the fear of any one of us getting hurt, but I need to keep going. I can’t go back either until I have confronted the issues that brought me here. When I first realized that I would be coming back, I thought if necessary I could come alone and do what I needed to do. I no longer believe that. Thank you all for coming with me.”
Allison did then what most individuals do when they are preparing to go forward into uncertainty and danger, she thought about her family. She thought about how much she loved and missed them, how she wanted so badly to see them again, and how relieved she felt in knowing that she never missed an opportunity to let them know she loved them. She would call and tell them again to be sure they knew. Just in case.
