by Sarah Till
Hearts and Flowers
It was another woman who came between us and threatened our life. The Queen of England. Oh yes, two bloody wars weren’t enough so they were calling lads up at eighteen. He got his letter on his birthday and it was the first time I had ever seen him hit something.
‘It’s not bloody fair!’
His hand smashed clean through his mum’s bathroom door and his dad came to see what was going on. Jimmy was the oldest. His bothers crowded round to see what would happen but all Jack Jones did was hug his son. Parental contact was alien to me and a bit embarrassing so I started to go downstairs. But he grabbed me softly.
‘Where you going? Pol? You’re not leavin’ me?’
I started to laugh.
‘Leave? No, Jimmy.’
And right there in front of his dad and his brothers he kissed me gently on the lips. I heard his dad breathe in sharply but Jimmy was suddenly calm.
‘It’s alright dad. We’re getting married.’
And that was it. The cake was out and the tea on.
‘Our Jimmy’s getting wed...’ was the words on the lips of everyone. I was already there most of the time but they treated me that day like I was a long-lost sister. Best china and butter on my bread! Like a queen.
Later on, Jimmy’s mum, Annie, brought out a roll of material. She laid it out on the table.
‘Look, Polly, you can say no if you want, but I’m going to make you a dress. Out of this.’ She glanced at Jack. ‘It’s from my wedding. I had this. My dress...’
Jack interrupted. ‘She looked beautiful.’
It was the palest pink with embossed hearts. It looked like silk but it could equally have been cotton. For all I cared it could have been bloody newspaper! I nodded at them. Annie smiled.
‘I’ll make it for you. We’ll have to measure up. Will your mum...?’
I shook my head. No. No she won’t. I doubted it would even register with her and if it did she would be glad to be rid of me. I broke the long silence.
‘I’ll let her know. But I want you to do it, Mrs Jones.’
She hugged me and whispered in my ear.
‘Mum. You can call me mum.’
Time went on and he left for the army base in Leicester. I didn’t see him off. No. It would have been too upsetting. I kissed him goodbye the night before outside our front door and went inside. I ran upstairs and looked out of my bedroom window. He was still there looking up. Then he turned and walked away.
I never went to the army base. I’d started work at the Senior Service cigarette factory and I spent my days staring at the ciggies and dreaming about Jimmy. Lots of the girls there had boyfriends who had been drafted, so we talked about how lonely we were and played Elvis records and cried at lunchtime.
I missed him, but every Friday for eighteen months there was a bouquet of flowers on my doorstep when I got home from work. Daisies and red roses. Not picked, from the shop. My snorted peevishly every time she saw them, so I took them up to my room. Each bouquet would last about three weeks so I had a constant reminder of him. I only found out later that he’d given Annie the money to buy them and, even though she had all those kids to look after and no money, she did that for her son.
I decided there and then that this was how I was going to be. Not like my mum and dad. Selfish and drunk. I wanted to be good, like Annie. Full of love. Doing the right thing. We worked together on my wedding dress in the evening, shooing the kids away into another room – no-one must see it before the big day!
Jimmy wasn’t much of a letter writer, but he sent me cards with flowers on them. I’ve still got them. Hearts and flowers. It was all a girl could have wished for.
Then one day he came back. No one was sure what day he would arrive. We knew it was eighteen months and it passed very, very slowly. But one morning, about six o’clock, there was a knock at the door. Mum shouted from their bedroom.
‘Get that, will you. Probably more bloody flowers.’
I opened the door and there he was. In his uniform. Tall and dark and so handsome. I stepped backwards. He wasn’t the boy who had left, all lanky and skinny. He had muscles. His face was tanned and serious. His hair short, the little curls by his ears shorn. But his eyes were the same. His eyes were for me. Warm and loving, the eyes I knew so well.
He ran at me and picked me up.
‘Did you wait for me?’
I pushed back.
‘Course I did. Course.’ Then it came out. Pushing through something I had held in for years. Something my family had never said to each other but what I knew in my heart. ‘I love you, Jimmy. More than ever.’
He started to cry. Sobbing in the empty morning street. Just me and him amongst the tumbledown terraces, kissing and hugging. He wiped his eyes.
‘Some of the lads a said their girls had got bored and got someone else. Goin’ out dancing and courtin’. Not my girl, I thought. Not my Polly. ‘
I laughed.
‘I’ve been out alright.’ His face fell. But I laughed louder. ‘Round your mam’s making my wedding dress! Picking some flowers.’ I stared into his eyes. ‘Daisies and red roses. That’s what I’m having.’
It hadn’t gone. That closeness. Like we were one person. I’d been scared it would have disappeared. But It was still there. We walked round to his house with his case and they all ran out to meet him. Annie made the tea and we ate some toast. He had a captive audience and he told them about his training. He’d been to London! And Plymouth. He’d travelled. His dad, who had fought in the war, beamed with pride.
‘Bloody hell, lad. I didn’t think you had it in you.’
Jimmy laughed.
‘And that’s not all. I’ve got work out of it. I trained as a mechanic. I’m qualified.’
The room was silent. A mechanic. A job for life. I was in awe. ‘I’ve got six months work in Ireland. That’ll pay for our wedding and a deposit on a house.’
My soaring heart slumped. He was going away again. But he turned to me.
‘I know Pol, but it’s only six months. And I can come back some weekends.’
I had no choice. He was excited and deep down I knew it was the right thing. I nodded and smiled. It was only six months. Then I’d have him forever.
‘Course, Jimmy, course. You do what you have to.’ I touched his hand lightly and he knew I’d always be there.
We had a week together, running through the meadow behind the mill and dancing until midnight some nights. We planned our life. A little house, no kids for five years then just two. We wanted time to be together just us. That was all we needed.
Then the day came when he had to go again. It was almost unbearable. But I smiled and smiled and I waved and waved at the station as the train pulled out. Annie and Jack came with us and we all walked to the bus silently without him.
It felt familiar but worse for having just seen him. People say ‘miss you already’ but I did. It really was like part of me had been torn away. I looked at Annie and jack, silently and separately staring out of the bus window. Had they been like this? They didn’t seem like they were in love like me and Jim. My parents? I couldn’t imagine it.
No. I laugh now when I think it, but I thought that day we were the only two people to have ever felt like that.
This time it was different. There was a phone in his boarding house and I would rush to the pone box every night. We’d chat about our day and our night and everything in between. He’d call me back and I’d shiver in the night air as I laughed until I cried at his jokes. It was completely different from his army time – almost like he wasn’t away. He didn’t come home at weekends. We agreed he’d save his money and wait.
He’d left in July. Autumn passed, and Christmas. I sat with Annie on Christmas day while Jack went to the pub. They were my family now, and this is what my life would be like. And I loved it.
Then January came. It was freezing and our calls were shorter. He was distracted and worried about where we would live. If I mentione
d the wedding he laughed and talked about the do afterwards and who he was inviting. He’d made friends in Ireland and they were coming.
Then it was the day before. He was flying home on one of the planes he had been working on. A Dakota, he said. He’d land at Manchester airport and get the train then the bus. I offered to meet him. Come to the train stations. But this is what he said:
‘Bake a cake, Polly. I’ll be home. Just wait there for me. And I’m never leaving you again.’
If I Knew You Were Coming I’d Have Baked a Cake
It’s hard to remember the next bit, but I’ll do the best I can. I did bake a cake. I took the day off work. Some of the more forward girls were making faces and winking, but it wasn’t like that yet. I said we had, but we hadn’t. Like so many things, we’d never discussed it, but we both knew we would wait. Jimmy was keen not to have kiddies straight away and we were happy enough just being together. For now.
I daresay that I was like every other girl and he was like every other man with urges, but we wanted to do it right. So I ignored the hussies and carried on with my wedding planning.
The cake was a lemon mix. I didn’t know how to cook – me mam had never shown me. So Annie taught me how to bake and how to cook veg and potatoes. She was an expert at eeking things out and I marvelled at what she could do with a pound of mince. By then I was a dab hand at cakes. I mixed it carefully and squeezed every drop out of that lemon, then sliced the rind. We sat and had a cup of tea by the stove.
‘What time’s he due then?’
We were both excited to see him but neither of us letting on. I realised he hadn’t told me any detail. Just to bake a cake.
‘Don’t know. He’ll turn up when he’s ready I suppose.’
We were nonchalant. Cool. If I could have my time again I would have savoured the excitement I had inside. Told Annie. Hugged and kissed her. But I didn’t. I sat there sipping tea. The kids came in from school. Jack came in from work. Every time the door opened my heart leapt, but it wasn’t him.
Then it was dark. I was starting to think that I would have to go home soon. Annie was serious. She read my mind.
‘You can stay here. Love. Don’t worry. He’ll be back soon. This is always the worst part.’
If only that had been true. I slept on the sofa and in the morning Jack went to the phone box. When he came back he looked puzzled.
‘I spoke to his landlady. He cleared out yesterday. Gone.’
I couldn’t understand it. Annie sighed.
‘Right. You’d better go and see Tommy Lewis.’
The local Bobby. I looked at them.
‘Why? What do you think...? He’s probably just delayed.’
Annie’s eyebrows shot up and Jack shook his head.
‘He left yesterday morning, love. Early.’
Then he left. I didn’t speak to Annie. They always say that if you love someone, you know when something bad happens. But I didn’t. I was still sure that he’d walk through that door any minute. That his train had broken down and he was stuck in Manchester overnight. Annie didn’t have a phone so how could he let us know?
Half an hour later Jack opened the door slowly. Tommy was behind him. Jack’s face was ashen and Annie ran to him. Tommy took his helmet off.
‘There’s been an accident, love. Annie. Sit down love.’
Annie was shouting ‘No, no, no’ over and over. Jack held her flailing arms and pushed her into a chair. He sat beside her, face buried in his shoulder as she sobbed. But I was alone. Sitting on a dining chair in the warm kitchen that smelled of lemon cake still. Tommy carried on, his voice breaking.
‘I’m sorry but the plane Jimmy was on crashed yesterday. Afternoon.’ I heard Jack make a noise and then hold Annie down as she screamed loudly. There were survivors but Jimmy wasn’t one of them. I’m sorry. Sorry.’
He sat down hard on a stool. There was complete silence. But I wasn’t having it. Not at all.
‘Was it a Dakota? Was it? Because that’s what he said. That’s what he said.’ I could hear my voice, high and hysterical, somewhere outside myself. ‘Was it?’
Tommy nodded.
‘Aye love. It was.’
‘Where? Where did it happen? In Ireland?’
‘No It was fair near. On t’moor. Over the tops. Up by that ridge. Thick fog, it were by all accounts. We didn’t get told til this morning and then we got a call saying Jimmy was on the passenger list. Then Jack...’
I seethed inside but on the outside, I was completely calm.
‘I want to see him.’
Tommy shook his head and wiped his eyes.
‘The thing is, they didn’t find all the...’
We stared at him until he said it.
‘Bodies.’
Annie screamed again.
‘I want to go there. I want to see. He must be there somewhere.’
Tommy looked at Jack and he nodded. Tommy came and knelt beside me.
‘Look love, with things like this they don’t always find bodies. The fuel and everything. And they’ll still be clearing up. Best not to...’
But I persisted. I remember feeling cold and shaky.
‘I want to go.’
I was getting my coat and hat, pulling it on, when Annie jumped up.
‘No! You heard what he said. No. Leave the dead in peace. Leave my Jimmy in peace.’
I stared at her. In that moment I hated her and everything in that house. I let my coat fall to the floor and I turned around. The cake was on top of the stove on a glass stand and I threw it. Not at anyone, but the flying glass glanced Jack’s forehead. I saw the blood draw and I was laughing. Laughing. I followed the cake and stamped on it.
Then I ran upstairs to Annie’s room, Tommy and Jack behind me and I pulled the wedding dress out of the cupboard. I pulled at the material until it ripped, pins sticking me and the pale pink material dotted with blood. I could hear myself shouting and I listened hard. Jimmy. Jimmy. You said you’d never leave me. Jimmy.
Finally I fell on the bed. All three of them stood over me. Annie was stark white and more annoyed than I had ever seen her.
‘Get her out of here.’
Jack intervened.
‘But Annie, love, she’s...’
Annie pulled a grotesque face.
‘Out!’
She pulled at me. Hard. Pulling me off her bed and down the stairs. Through the scruffy kitchen and out of the front door. She pushed me roughly into the road. All the neighbours were out staring and in the cold light of day I saw Annie’s deep grief. She stood over me, arms folded.
‘You need to learn a bit of respect. This isn’t about you, it’s about our Jimmy. My son is dead. Dead.’ There was a gasp. I was going to say that she didn’t know that for sure, that they hadn’t found a body. That there was still a chance he’s walked away, because that was what I was processing as I lay there. I knew nothing about plane crashes or Dakota’s or even about Ireland or mechanics, but I did know about Jimmy. I was still full of him, his love was still there and, to me, he wasn’t dead. I knew I needed to go to the moor and see for myself, see where he could have gone. Speak to people who might have seen him. I didn’t trust Tommy and his boys with my Jimmy. Maybe he’d banged his head and ran away? But all this was left unsaid because what Annie said next wounded me to the core. She nodded and folded her arms.
‘Yeah. All about you, isn’t it? What you want? Eh? He’s my boy. Mine. And I’ll decide what happens now. You’re’ not a married to him so I’ll bring him home. I’ll bury him.’
She was calm but shaking. I shook my head.
‘We were engaged. Let’s do it together, Annie.’
She started to laugh.
‘Together? You’re a waste of time, love. Not good enough to tie my boy’s shoelaces. You. You’re just like your mother.’
I got up and went home. I didn’t even bother telling my parents. I had another day off work and went back. I didn’t tell them either, I just didn’t speak to anyone
for a long time.
There was no funeral. No body was found. Annie wouldn’t have a funeral without a body. A month later Tommy came to see me. I’d lost weight and cried myself sick and I looked a right sight.
‘Annie was grieving love. That day. She still is.’
I smiled best I could.
‘We all were.’
She nodded, my mum and dad behind him.
‘But she’s his mam.’
My mouth twisted into a peevish smile. I caught me mam’s eye.
‘Yeah. Well. Not everyone’s like Annie are they? Maybe if I’d...’
She shook her head.
‘No love. I might not be the best mother but I wasn’t flying that plane. Not my fault. No.’
Tommy sighed.
‘Look. No one’s to blame. It’s an accident. What I’m here to say is that the investigations finished. Do you want to know what they’re going to say? At the inquest. I think you better had, love.’
I braced myself. For burning and body parts and excruciating sadness. But it was a different hurt. I’d nodded.
‘Right. As you know Jimmy’s body wasn’t found at the crash site. His landlady said he left with two big cases and neither of those were found either. None of his clothes. But everyone else’s clothes were. There was no fire on the plane. It crashed in fog and rain. Into the hillside.’
I stared at him. He waited for me to speak but I didn’t. Because it hadn’t sunk in. He continued.
‘Jimmy was on the passenger list. He’d booked the flight. He’d left his digs. They talked to the survivors, but no one remembers seeing him. The thing is love, they don’t think he was on that plane.’
PATTI
The Birds
There are 46 species of birds that occur regularly on heather moorland for feeding and/or breeding in England and Wales. There are a total of 280 regularly occurring birds in the UK, Channel Island and the Isle of Man. At least 46 (16%), of these bird species occur regularly on heather moorland to feed and/or breed. Ten of these species appear on the UK's Red List of bird species of greatest conservation concern. (There are a total of 36 species on this list). A further 21 species which occur regularly on heather moorland appear on the UK's Amber List of bird species of conservation concern. (There are a total of 110 species on this list).
