“Thank goodness.”
“But I ended up at the principal’s office . . . a couple times.”
“I think we need to compare definitions of ‘not too bad.’”
“And I got a new nickname—it’s Tootie, and please don’t ask—and I might be missing out on the best guy I know.”
My mom sighed and looked at me like she got it. (“Got it,” meaning her eyes said, “Oh, my poor baby girl,” but she didn’t actually say it out loud to make me feel dumb.)
“It does sound like a lot,” she said. “But not necessarily a mess. That’s sort of how life is. Is there anything I can do to help?”
Here was a beautiful thing about my mom: she never pushed advice on me, trying to get me to live the way she thought I should. She simply asked what she could do and waited to hear what I needed. That simple trick always made me feel smarter and more capable and very loved. My mother was a wise woman. I didn’t know if she had always been that way or if staring death in the face did that to a person.
“How do you know when you should take the risk?”
“I guess I’d say you don’t. Not until you’ve taken the risk.” She must have seen the disappointment on my face because she reached across the island and squeezed my hand. “But I can say this . . . I still remember sitting in the doctor’s office when they told me my diagnosis. You can absorb the shock, deal with the pain, and shove down the fear. None of that is easy, but it can be done.
“What you can’t get rid of are the regrets. The many, many things you wish you’d done. So, I’d say it’s worth digging deep and finding the nerve to take every risk you know you’ll regret not taking. Because you never know, baby girl.”
26
Spencer
I stood on the lacrosse field, leading the warm-up for our team, but like every other player on the field, I was distracted watching the bleachers fill up. There were actual people in the stands to watch us play. It was fricken amazing.
Ashley and the other cheerleaders showed up in their uniforms to cheer from the sidelines. The guys on both teams were excited about it, so I didn’t bother to tell Ashley that we didn’t have cheerleaders for lacrosse.
Having fans cheer us on would help make it a great senior year. I was more than excited for the season to start. I felt faster this year. Faster on my feet and a quicker stick. The muscle I’d put on had seriously upped my game. I hoped it would make me one of the players to watch out for this season.
Cody’s gaze caught mine, and he sent me a wicked grin. He held his hands in the air, gesturing to the growing crowd of students in the bleachers. More than we’d ever had at a regular-season game.
All thanks to Tessa. The team’s job had been to set up the scrimmage with another team. The lacrosse world was small, and all the teams at the high school level were having the same issue with getting fans, so it was easy to find a team to scrimmage. The Davidson Bulldogs had said yes mighty fast.
Once we had the team, Tessa took over and made all the key decisions. Since most kids in the stands had no clue how to play, Tessa suggested extending the time we ran our warm-up drills while our pump-up music played. Next on her schedule, we ran a mini-exhibition by players from both teams demonstrating some impressive stick skills and trick shots. We finished up by playing a twenty-minute scrimmage.
We had the crowd rocking during our warm-ups and cheering during the scrimmage. The event couldn’t have been more successful. Principal Gentry and her husband, the Vice-Principal, both attended. Mrs. Gentry even took some shots on goal during warm-ups!
The scrimmage ended with a steal by Cody, who passed to me, and I slid the ball past the goalie to score with a behind-the-back toss. Cody and I did a chest bump midfield to celebrate.
When it was over, both teams lined up and walked down the line, clapping each other on the back and telling each other “good game.” After that, I was a man on a mission to find Tessa. I needed to apologize for whatever I did last night that had upset her. It only took a few minutes of weaving through the nice-sized crowd to spot her blonde head.
“Tessa!” I called, getting her attention. She didn’t run before I got to her, which I’d take as an encouraging sign. But then again, she was standing next to Cody.
“Hey, you,” I said, searching her face to determine which DEFCON level she was at. “I wanted to say—”
“Spencer! Oh, wow, Spencer. That was so much fun!” Ashley threw herself at me, pompons and all, wrapping her arms around my neck in a hug.
“Thanks. Glad you enjoyed it.” I unwound her arms from my neck and stepped to the side.
“Liked it? I loved it. I can’t believe you scored five goals.”
“I scored three,” Cody said.
When Ashley didn’t say anything to him, Tessa reached out her hand for a fist-bump with him. Tessa’s eyes softened at Cody, and I had the urge to punch him.
“I need to get going.” Tessa smiled at Cody and gave me a nod. “Really great game, guys. Y’all did amazing. You could feel the excitement. Looked like lots of new fans.”
“All thanks to you,” I said.
“Thanks, but I only did the job you hired me for.”
I raised an eyebrow at Cody as Tessa walked away, but he only shrugged.
“Seriously, Spencer, that was amazing. You’ve got to come to my house tonight to meet my parents. I’ve told them all about you.”
“Tonight’s not going to work.”
“Okay. We’ll find another time. Don’t forget the costume for Monday.” She hugged up to my side. “We’re going to be such an adorable couple.”
Adorable? I should probably look in the bag she’d given me and see what she expected me to wear.
“Chow, babe. Karen and I are going shopping. I’ll call you tonight.”
Cody and I watched her walk off before Cody turned to me with a wide smile.
“Ashley wants you to meet her parents?” He lifted his hand in the air for a high-five. “Dude, your plan worked.”
“Worked?” I shook my head. “Not even close. Not yet.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Do you honestly think I’d buy a truck to impress Ashley Marks? To impress anyone? I bought the truck because my car had a cracked engine block.”
“Wait, what?” Cody tilted his head to the side and frowned at me.
“Why would I need to change who I am to attract a girl when I’m already best friends with the perfect girl for me?” I waited a beat for Cody to finish connecting the dots.
“You wily coyote, you. It’s been Tessa all along.”
“Yep. I’ve been playing a long game.”
“Why didn’t you tell me, though?” Cody scratched his head, looking sincerely hurt that I’d left him out. “I’d have helped.”
“Because you’re the worst at keeping a secret, buddy.” I threw my arm around his shoulders and steered us toward the sidelines to grab our equipment bags.
“Okay, that’s fair.” He nodded. “I hope it works because if not, she’ll be pissed.”
“That’s the way I figure it.” But I couldn’t get her to see me as anything other than a friend. I had to disturb the stability of our friendship. I had to rock the boat.
With great risk comes great reward. That had been my mantra since I first came up with this plan.
We had Hail Mary passes in lacrosse, too. It’s a play for when you’re losing and desperate. You scoop up the ball and heave it upfield with everything you have, hoping with your whole heart that someone’s on the receiving end to catch it and score.
That’s exactly what I’d done. For my Hail Mary pass, I’d thrown everything I had into trying to get Tessa to see me as more than a friend. I became a boat rocker by dropping the pebble to create a wave, attempting to disrupt the status quo.
The thing about rocking a boat, though, was that it could capsize and end in disaster.
27
Tessa
“So do something about it,” Cody ha
d said. But what? I’d thought about what to do all day yesterday.
I also could not stop thinking about what my mother had said. I remembered it word for word. It was branded on my heart. When she’d said it, it was like time had stopped for a moment, just long enough for the words to soak into my DNA. To get injected into my bloodstream and race through me like a superpower.
“It’s worth digging deep and finding the nerve to take every risk you know you’ll regret not taking. Because you never know.”
You never know. This was why it made total sense to live life as my most true self. There was a time when I thought I’d done that. When did that stop? When did I start caring more about what other people thought than what I knew was the truth? My truth. When had I lost my way?
Thinking back, I began changing to fit into Spencer’s new crowd. It started by toning down my clothes and hair for the lunch date with Brian. I’d started trying to fit in instead of being myself. I did exactly what I had gotten mad at Spencer for. I pretended to be someone I wasn’t so that someone would like me.
Tomorrow was Halloween, and I would continue our nine-year tradition—even if I had to do it by myself. I was going to dress up. Since neither Cody nor Spencer had voted, I’d done exactly as I’d said and drawn our choice randomly. Little Orphan Annie it was. I’d called Cody to remind him again; I hadn’t bothered to tell Spencer.
So my plan was:
To be my most unique, amazing, kick-ass self.
Dig deep and tell Spencer how I felt, even if it was too late. No regrets.
Great, now I had a plan. What happened to my free spirit? Oh, yeah, I was planning on getting it back tomorrow—even if it broke my heart.
It would be fair to say my Annie costume had a sharp edge to it. It was more Annie meets a light socket. I’d found the short red dress with the flared skirt at a theatre sale. It really had been the costume for Annie in a local production.
I wore it with my “girl power” knee-high socks, and I’d replaced the black patent leather shoes with my chunk-heeled combat boots with spikes around the ankles. The boots accessorized perfectly with a spiked collar necklace. Are you sensing a theme?
I’d added a few deep-red streaks to my blonde hair and whirled it all up into a messy bun high on my head. Yes, this was the look that fit my mood today. Angsty, bold, and in-your-face.
Punk Annie. Confrontational Annie. A be-careful-what-you-choose-because-you-might-choose-me Annie. A hey-this-is-who-I-am-even-if I-don’t-fit-in-with-your-friends Annie. And very possibly an I’m-a-hot-mess Annie.
Be true to myself, check.
But that was just half of it. The easier half, too.
Dig deep. Find the nerve. Take the risk you know you’ll regret not taking. That was the hard one. That’s what I had to do.
It hit me that it was pretty much what Ms. Coltrain had been telling me. Whoa.
After spending the morning getting both negative and positive reactions to my costume, it was finally lunchtime. I stood outside of the cafeteria, gathering my nerve. Sucking in one last deep breath, I threw open the lunchroom door and made my entrance.
Time to get this over with. When I’d first come up with this idea, I’d thought it was to prove something to Spencer. But now, I knew it was really to prove it to myself.
I might end up losing my best friend, but I was taking that leap. Jumping without weighing the pros and cons. Risking the loss of my oldest and most trusted friend for love. And if it didn’t work, at least I’d know I had tried.
“Tessa, friend of my heart, I love a girl who makes guessing what mood she’s in obsolete.” Cody put his arms around me for a careful hug. “I sense you’re looking for a confrontation . . . uh, I mean a parley where you take no prisoners.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I said, attempting to wrap myself in emotional body armor until I noticed what he was wearing, and my eyes instantly teared up. “Aww, Cody, you dressed up.”
“Guess I was supposed to be Daddy Warbucks. I thought we went with the Founding Fathers, so I’m Jefferson. I ditched the wig, though, and just put my hair in a ponytail. Cool, right?”
“Very cool. It means a lot to me.” My lips wobbled as I looked up at him. “Thanks.”
“For you, anything. Let’s go sit outside at a picnic table,” Cody said. “It’s pretty nice out.”
“I don’t think so.” I lifted my chin and clenched my jaw. “Let’s have lunch with Ashley and her friends today.”
“Why would we do that?” Cody asked in confusion, but when he saw the expression on my face, he said, “Okaaay. Let’s have lunch with Ashley and her friends today. This should be fun.”
“Probably not.” I rolled my shoulders back and sucked in a breath. “But let’s do it anyway. You lead. I’ll follow.”
I knew I wasn’t handling this well. I was angry at myself for being too afraid to act on my feelings for so long. So long that I might have missed my chance. I hadn’t planned on making Cody do this with me, especially after our talk the other night. But like he’d said, it was impossible to shake him off. When this crashed and burned, I would not cry on his shoulder again.
“Hey, Ashley. Trey. Mind if we join you?” Cody asked when we stood next to the popular kids’ table.
Everyone at the table stopped talking while they stared at us both. Except mostly me. Yes, this was exactly the reaction I’d pictured. Don’t turn chicken. Take the risk, Tessa. I notched up my chin, making sure to look every kid in the eye while they stared down their snotty noses at me.
Slight problem. The one person I wanted to talk to was missing.
“Where’s Spencer?” I asked, moving my gaze to Ashley.
“He’ll be here.” Her shine-glossed lips curved into a confident smile. “Any minute. He said he was going to put on his costume. The tights are tricky to put on.”
“Tights?” Cody asked. “Like, is he dressing as Batman?”
“Not hardly.” Ashley adjusted the glittering crown on her head. “He’s Prince Charming to my Cinderella.”
“Oh, gag me,” I muttered. I was so focused on talking to Spencer that I hadn’t noticed the princess gown she had squeezed herself into.
“You and me both, sister,” Cody said.
“Why are you even here, Tessa?” Ashley’s gaze raked me up and down. She looked at me with disgust like I was . . . whatever disgusted a snotty cheerleader. I didn’t know. A thousand calorie, decadent, ooey-gooey piece of chocolate cake? Or a cockroach, maybe? “You don’t belong at this table.”
Seeing Ashley sitting and waiting for Spencer took the wind from my sails. Even though I’d known about their couple costume since Friday night, it felt like a fresh wound to my heart.
“Okay, you guys have made this so easy. I think I’ve proven my point, and I can save us all the actual pain of sharing lunch together. Thank you for your cooperation, and have a nice life.” I spun around and headed out the nearest exit.
Pushing through the doors, I rushed outside. When I heard Spencer’s voice behind me, I sped up—and then came to my senses. Why was I running? Talking to Spencer was my major goal today. I stopped on a dime right in the middle of the common area, just outside the cafeteria and in front of the trophy case. Right where we’d set up the kissing booth. Before I could even turn around, Spencer was there.
“Whoa, Tessa.” He took my hand, turning me around to face him. “What was that all about? What point were you trying to prove?”
“What was I trying to prove?” I stood up tall, threw my shoulders back, and ignored the tight pressure in my throat. I refused to cry. I would get through this because I had to. “I was proving that I will never fit in with your new friends. And I’ve learned that it hurts too much to try. I can’t be anything other than what I am. Not even for you.”
“I never asked you to change,” Spencer said quietly. “Not once did I ask you to change.”
“But, you—”
“No, I didn’t.”
&nb
sp; “I don’t fit in with your friends.”
“That actually works out well because—”
“Please stop.” I reached out, placing my index finger on his lips. “That’s not all of it. I’m trying to make taking risks my new thing, but just in case I lose my nerve, I need to get all this out now. Here goes . . . Even though I know it’s too late now since you’re with Ashley, I need to tell you because—”
I stopped talking mid-sentence, confused as my gaze ran down Spencer’s tall form and then back up.
“Um, you’re not Prince Charming.”
“No, I’m not.”
“You’re Legolas.”
“Yep.” He ran his gaze down my red dress, to my knee-highs and boots before raising his eyes back up—slowly—to mine.
“Apparently, Cody forgot which costume we picked. He told me LOTR.” He gave me a crooked smile with only one of his dimples peeking out. “So, it looks like I messed up our streak of consecutive trio costumes after all.”
“And yet, I’m totally fine with it.” Oh, yeah. Spencer, as Legolas, was very hot.
“Can we go back to the part where you need to tell me how you feel?” His light eyes bored into mine with an intensity I felt down to my toes.
“Oh, right.” I sucked in a breath and stepped out without a net. “I love you, Spencer.”
His hands tensed around mine. “As a friend?”
“No. I mean, yes. But no.” I rolled my eyes at myself and blew out a breath. How do you find the words to tell someone you’ve loved forever how much you love them? “What I’m trying to say is that I have romantic feelings for you. I started falling for you last summer, and I’m still falling.”
Spencer didn’t move. He didn’t even blink. He didn’t say anything at all for a few breaths of time. He was scaring me, and I began hoping for that black hole to swallow me up when suddenly Spencer stepped forward. He wrapped his hands gently around my face and pressed his lips to mine.
My Totally Off-Limits Best Friend: A YA Sweet Romance (Sweet Mountain High, Year 2: A Sweet YA Romance Series) Page 13
