I wish I could stay.
Then why don’t you?
Because.
I sound petulant even to myself.
Yesterday, when I faced down Scott, I found strength I didn’t think I had. Granted, Hawke started this craziness with a kiss.
A kiss he stole.
The kiss I’ll never forget.
A kiss that released me from any feelings I still harbored for Scott. All the anger and hatred I had for Scott evaporated once I realized we shared a pale reflection of what true love could be like.
Not that I’m in love with Hawke. It’s more like an insane sexual attraction, a biological urge I never imagined could exist.
I now understand what lust feels like.
It’s more than simple desire. It’s an all-consuming sexual awakening.
Truthfully, I’m not done with Hawke Sterling. Whatever this is, it’s one hell of a ride. I’m crazy walking away from it, but I’m also a realist and practical to a fault.
My father always told me I was a thinker, not a feeler. It’s why he named me Quinn, a name that took a long time to embrace. Too many said it was a boy’s name, but whenever I ran home with tears in my eyes from the taunts and teases of my classmates, he’d crouch down and hold me at arm’s length.
“Your name is drawn from your Gaelic roots. It represents wisdom and intelligence, baby girl. Be proud of your name. Wear it well. You’re a thinker. One of the greatest minds of the century.”
He isn’t wrong about that.
I approach life weighing the facts. I never act impulsively. Except when I’m around a raven-haired man with golden eyes. The things he makes me feel drown out all thought. With him, I become something else, but I’m not ignoring the facts.
Hawke is a player. Women are commodities, things to be used and discarded. I’m not so infatuated that I can’t read between the lines.
Hell, he told me there’s no reason to attach himself to one woman. Unfortunately, I see his point. I’m nothing more than a dalliance to him, much as he is the nidus of my sexual awakening.
He’s a catch—the catch that can never be caught—and we’re having a good time together, but that’s all this is.
We’re stealing time.
Time that comes with a countdown timer and expiration date.
As for Scott, I’m still angry. I’m furious with Sadie for betraying me. Mostly though, my eyes are finally open. My heart is laid bare. It hurts, but I’ll heal. I see that now.
Scott was comfortable and familiar, but he never invoked the sexual cravings I feel with Hawke.
When I’m with Hawke, the air crackles. Sparks race along my skin. Heat flows in my veins. These are things I can’t ignore, and I have to believe I’ll find it again.
Speaking of things that can’t be ignored. I love the way Hawke takes control during sex. That’s probably the most powerful aphrodisiac in the world: a man who knows what he wants and isn’t afraid to take it.
I feel different. More aware? More in tune with what I want and willing to try out new things.
What the hell am I going to do about Hawke?
You’re going to run away.
Our time together will end. I know this. I feel it. And I need to be the one who walks away. I don’t think I can handle being discarded again.
The ability to control our end is crucial right now, and the longer I spend with Hawke, the more likely it is that I’ll fall in love with him.
That can’t happen.
I don’t have the strength to mend two broken hearts.
“Miss Hayes?” Iris clears her throat and I give a little shake of my head.
“I’m sorry. I was thinking about something else.”
That something else is a man with a cock who knows how to use it.
“I found another flight on a different airline. It’s under five hundred, but it leaves early in the morning. You’ll be in Atlanta by noon. There’s another one that leaves this evening and will get you in by six in the morning. They’re about the same price.”
“Really?”
“Of course, there’s no refund on your current ticket, but I can book one of the other flights if you’d like. The other option is to pay the rebooking fee on your original flight…”
“And get in late Christmas Eve?”
“Yes.”
Hawke mentioned a sunset cruise. I may be running away from this crazy thing happening between us, but I’m not ready to completely turn my back on it.
Not yet.
I feel like a putz because I’ll be leaving him on Christmas Eve. Although, he doesn’t seem that enamored with the holidays.
“I’ll take the one that gets me in at noon. How early is early?”
“The flight leaves at five. We can have a shuttle available to take you to the airport at four.”
“Don’t I need more time?”
She shakes her head. “Our airport isn’t that big. Trust me, an hour is plenty of time to get checked in and past security.”
Then all I have to do is worry about my fear of flying. Maybe I can sleep through the flight?
“I’ll take it. Thank you so much for looking around for other options.”
“It’s no problem, Miss Hayes. It’s important to be around the ones you love during the holidays. I’m happy I could assist you. Now, is there anything else I can do for you?”
“No. Thank you very much.”
She works her concierge magic, and I walk away five hundred dollars lighter but weighed down by my conscience.
Do I tell Hawke about my change in plans?
You’d be a heel if you didn’t.
I know.
That would be something Scott would do.
With another couple hours before I need to meet back up with Hawke, I head to the gift shop where I buy four tee-shirts and four baseball hats. I get a tennis hat for my mother along with a set of pearl earrings and a matching necklace. This leaves me one gift short, but I’m out of time.
I race back to my villa and change. It’s a dinner sunset cruise. I’m not sure if that involves any swimming. Fortunately, I have the perfect little black dress.
It’s at once casual and sultry chic. Instead of a bra and panties, I slip on a black string bikini. This way, I’m ready, no matter if we’re playing it casual or classy.
There’s no reason to fuss with my hair. I sweep it into an elegant updo. If the cruise is more casual, I can put it into a ponytail on the spot. With a few minutes to spare, I take the time to pack my suitcase. Since I didn’t bring much, it doesn’t take long. I throw everything inside, leaving out a pair of pants and loose-fitting shirt for the flight. I leave the suitcase open. When I get back tonight, all I’ll have to do is pack my dress.
And won’t that be the trick? How will I extricate myself from Hawke’s bed in time to make my flight?
Good thing, I’m thinking ahead and pack my bags.
Not eager to be late, I take one last look in the mirror and square off my shoulders.
“You can do this, Q.”
The pep talk does me little good.
A knock on the door draws me up short. I’m not expecting anyone.
When I open the door, I can’t help but smile. Hawke’s roguish smile is in full force. He’s simply irresistible.
“You ready for tonight?” His gaze flicks over my shoulder and his brows draw tight. “Going somewhere, Miss Hayes?”
I spin around and curse my need to always be over-prepared.
“Um, about that…”
Twenty-Seven
Hawke
She packed her bags?
It hits me like a load of bricks. This will be the first time a woman walks out on me. My stare fixes on the suitcase as anger builds within me. I initiate. I take. I’m always the one who walks away. Quinn breaks all my rules.
“I thought we were having fun?” I grind out each syllable as my anger builds. “You’re running away?”
“We are.” Her eyes round, not with su
rprise, but an innocence that is as fake as a white Christmas tree. “Having fun that is. We are having fun.”
“Then explain that.” I step around her and head to the bed. Sure enough, her suitcase is packed. A change of clothes sits on the bed, a forethought for the morning when she leaves. At least that’s what it looks like.
“I’m leaving tomorrow.” Her fingers twist in knots and her head dips.
“Tomorrow? On Christmas Eve?”
“Yes.”
“I thought you were here through New Year’s?” When did she decide to leave me?
“I changed my plans.”
More like she’s plagued with a sudden change of heart.
“Were you going to tell me? Or was I supposed to find out tomorrow after you left?” This is low. She’s walking out on me.
“I was going to tell you.”
“When? After dinner? After you fucked me? When exactly were you going to tell me?”
“Don’t be crass.”
“Why not? You had me going.”
“What do you mean by that?”
“You really had me going, but you’re not so innocent, are you, Miss Hayes? You got exactly what you were looking for.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about, but that’s not what this is.”
“Then explain what this is, because it looks like you’re running away from me.”
“Come on, Hawke. I’m leaving a few days early and it’s not as if…”
“Not as if what?” Anger surges through me. I’m barely keeping my temper in check. “You say I’m the fuck-them-and-leave-them kind of guy, but it looks like I don’t hold a candle to you.”
“That’s unfair.”
“Is it? You got what you came for and now you’re leaving.” She better not be running back to that douchebag, Scott. Not after I held her in my arms.
“You make it sound ugly.”
“Enlighten me, because it sounds like once you got what you wanted, you’re turning your back…”
“Got what I wanted? What are you talking about?” Her brows knit together, then her expression changes to shock and indignation. “Don’t you dare cheapen what happened between us. As far as getting what I wanted, that’s a low blow, even for you.”
“You used me.”
She fucked me and used me.
“No, I didn’t. And for the record, that’s exactly what you do with the women you date.” She holds up an imperious finger. “Correction. You don’t date. You fuck and then you leave. Why are we even talking about this? Isn’t this exactly what you want? You said it often enough. We’re the only single people here. Why not hook up and fuck? And that’s it. There was never a future beyond Euphoria. I’m just ending things sooner rather than later to spend the holidays with my family. So why are you pissed?”
I’m far too smart to answer that question. She hit every major point on the head. I school myself to patience. One deep breath in and out and I’m back in control.
“Perhaps you’re right. Maybe this was nothing more than two adults fucking and having fun; fuck buddies, but you still should’ve told me.”
“Fucking and having fun?” Her voice cracks. “Is that all it was to you?”
“Your words, not mine.”
“No, they absolutely are your words. I would never say that to someone I care about. I’d never cheapen what we shared. Until now, it was one of the most intense nights of my life. As for fuck buddies, I guess you’ll be fucking yourself after I’m gone. As far as telling you about my decision to leave, I didn’t decide until after lunch. This is the first time I’m seeing you. It’s not like I hid anything from you.”
“Then why?”
“Because I miss my brothers and my parents. This place, as amazing as it is, only reminds me of what I’m missing by not being home. The holidays are for family. The only reason I came here was because I was afraid to tell them what happened with Scott. After he left yesterday, I’ve had a lot of deep soul-searching going on in my head. I’ve never had a night like last night. I didn’t think something like that could exist. You opened my eyes to what’s been missing in my life. But as much as I enjoyed it, you’ve made it clear from the beginning that we came with an expiration date. There’s an end to us. You’re just pissed because you aren’t the one walking away. Or have I got that wrong?” Her eyes flash emerald fire. She’s a feisty one, with no problems telling me exactly what she thinks.
I should be pissed. I should turn around and leave, but I stand and let every word hit me where it hurts the most.
At least she’s honest.
“Are you done?”
“Yes.” She gives a sharp shake of her head to emphasize her point.
“I apologize for my insensitive choice of words. You’re much more to me than a fuck buddy. Please forgive me.”
Her eyes shimmer with unshed tears. I put those there.
Me, my arrogance, and my bruised ego are at fault.
“As for leaving? You’re right. I’m not so arrogant that I won’t admit I would’ve rather been the one to say goodbye. Despite what you think, and what I said, we’re connecting. I know you feel it. I’m disappointed, not pissed, that we won’t have the opportunity to explore it more. As for going our separate ways, I’m not sure I want that.”
“You don’t?”
“Does it matter? We won’t have the chance to find out. I wish we had a chance to discuss it, but I won’t stand in your way from leaving.” I’ve never been this open, this vulnerable, with a woman before. I’m eagerly handing her all the ammunition she needs to dig into my chest and rip my heart out. I definitely won’t beg for her to stay. That’s a line I refuse to cross.
She gives me a long, hard look as if weighing every word. I can’t tell if she believes me or thinks I’m full of shit. What I do know is whatever this crazy attraction is, it’s over. She closed that door and there’s no way in hell I’m chasing her down.
What I will do is forget her. After all, there’re plenty of willing women out there vying for their chance to have a piece of me. Unfortunately, Quinn is the only woman who succeeded in stealing the one thing I’ve never surrendered.
She carries a piece of my heart.
I take one last look at the open carry-on. Like a Band-Aid, it’s best to rip it off quick. There’s no use in pursuing whatever this was any further.
“Have a safe flight, Miss Hayes.”
Without waiting for an answer, I spin on my heels and walk out of her life.
Twenty-Eight
Quinn
I’m not sure how long I stand there, mouth agape, heart hammering, tears falling down my cheeks. Why does Hawke’s departure hurt a thousand times worse than Scott’s infidelity?
I press a hand to my chest as if that can help the ripping and shredding going on in my heart. Watching his slow stroll away from my villa feels like my world is ending.
Overly dramatic?
Yes, I know.
I’m stunned by how much it hurts. I’m not ready to see him go. We had the entire evening ahead of us, an evening where I planned on talking to him about why I wanted to leave early.
Why I needed to leave.
Or at least tell him the lie I’m trying to force myself to believe.
The truth is more complicated. One of my greatest weaknesses is that I fall hard and fast. I may be a thinker, and not a feeler, but even I lose control when my emotions take the wheel.
I see the signs.
I’m falling for Hawke.
Hard.
Give me the full ten days, and I’d be hopelessly in love with him.
And then what?
Will that heartache hurt any less than the devastating loss I feel now? I know the answer to that. It will be far worse.
Not wanting to risk running into him on the resort grounds, I order room service and spend the evening alone. I walk along the beach and watch an amazing sunset. I look for shooting stars, but find none to make a wish on. I swim in the warm, tro
pical waters until my fingers wrinkle. Only then do I drag myself inside and take a long shower.
My last night in paradise is spent horribly alone. In a fit, I go to bed early, but I get very little sleep. All my dreams are filled with Hawke Sterling and his dominating commands while he fucks me.
My alarm goes off at three thirty in the morning. I catch the shuttle to the airport and find myself staring at the departure gate with rampant terror flowing through my veins.
There’s no alcohol to dull my senses. No cold medicine to put me out of my misery. If I’m going to do this, I do it on my own.
It doesn’t help when my pulse gallops wildly. My chest constricts as I fight off hyperventilation. My pep talk consists of the facts. I survived the flight out here, I’ll survive the flight home. Only this time, I don’t have the luxury of first-class accommodations. I’m crammed in the back of the plane.
And there’s nothing logical about my fear.
Passengers file into the jetway while I fight off a full-blown panic attack. Finally, the gate attendant calls final boarding. She checks her screen and her eyes pinch in confusion. When she looks up, she notices me standing in the empty waiting area.
“Miss? Are you on this flight?”
I give a tight nod, too nervous to speak.
“You need to board. We’re closing the gate.”
Her words provide the impetus I need to take a step forward. That leads to another step. Before I realize what I’m doing, my shaky hand holds out my boarding pass. She scans it. I jump at the tiny beep, which confirms my place on this flight.
She gives me another weird look, then gestures to the door leading to the plane. “Please, Miss Hayes, we need to close the gate.”
Hawke: Christmas in Paradise (Billionaire Boys Club) Page 19
