You’re a dweller. You dwell and think too much. You have to get over it; you have to move on. It’s the only way to be happy, Cash. I want you to be happy. I want you to be a good father to the twins. I want you to love someone who will love you back. But you won’t do that if you dwell on the things that can’t be changed. Make peace with this, Cash. Make peace with yourself, and make peace for your children’s sake.
You’re lucky. You’re going to see them grow; you’re going to see them turn over, crawl, take their first steps. I don’t want you to miss out on the good things I have brought to you because you couldn’t get over the ruin I caused you.
You’re going to be able to kiss all their boo-boos better. You’re going to be their father that they look up to, learn from, who they brag to the kids at school about. You’re going teach them to ride bikes and eat ice cream cones. You’re going to play with them and tell them bedtime stories. You’re going to be their leader. Lead them with laughter, and love. Not with ruin, Cash.
I’m so jealous that you get to be real to them. I won’t be, just something that they hear stories about. I’m so afraid that you don’t have any good stories to tell them. Make shit up if you have to; tell them the good stuff, Cash, that I loved to draw. You can tell them that I always wanted to go to art school. Make sure to tell them to do the things they want to do and not wait to do it. I wish I would have gone to art school. I should have gone.
If the twins show a creative side, involve them in the arts. Take them to classes; let them explore their gift. I saw that you started to draw. I peeked in your drawer and saw your sketches. You’re really good. I never knew you could draw. Does your family know? Don’t hide your gift. Be proud.
This is going to be hard, Cash, but life’s hard.
Kennedy
Chapter 10
Bitter is the Taste that Lingers
The sun’s bright, but the rays are filtered through the tint in the windows. I still feel as if I am burning up when Cassius pulls out his phone and I have to watch in horror as Hazel’s number is tapped in painfully slow. The seatbelt cuts into my chest when I try leaning forward to hear her talk on the other end.
“You should call her later when you’re alone.” Caleb sounds dry, like he needs another juice box—his eyes find mine before looking back at the road.
“I want to speak to her.” Cassius runs his finger over the image of her eyes, like something that is holy and divine, as he waits for her to answer her phone.
“Is this Hazel?” He uses a voice that I’m not familiar with; it sounds cold. I shiver.
“I want an appointment.” There’s a flex in Cassius’s jaw while I slump into the seat.
“Tommie referred me. He gave me your business card.” A pause while he listens to a voice I can’t hear on the other end.
“Tommie said to ask for the discount.” He pulls the phone from his ear. I can hear her voice that has risen, but I can’t make out the words.
“Do I get a discount?” he asks again, and this time I can hear Hazel on the other end.
“No discounts! Tommie has no idea what he’s talking about. He doesn’t know me or my work, but I promise after we’re done, you will have a new understanding of what I do.” Hazel’s voice seems to raise the hackles between Cassius’s shoulder blades. I can see the ridge fur trying to poke through.
Cassius’s face drops lower than Hazel’s voice just did as he listens to her, and my gut drops like I’m falling from somewhere high. I might get sick. A window rolls down while fresh air pushes in.
“Book me a spot.” There is a wait. He taps the card, and the frown slides away, replaced with something dark, cunning.
“Saturday, seven. See you then, Hazel.” He hangs up, raises up slightly in the seat to push the card into his back pocket.
“You’re really going to meet her in Vegas?” Caleb’s eyes shift to the side at Cassius. I watch him through the rearview mirror.
“Yes, I am. I just have to find where she’s staying at.”
“Wait, so you’re going to Vegas, you don’t know where she’s at, and you’re going to show up there at seven?” Caleb shakes his head.
“I’m going on a hunt. It shouldn’t be that hard to track her.” There is an uprise to his voice; the beat of my heart follows the sound of him upwards.
“What about the twins?”
Cassius gives him big eyes. “That won’t work on me, brother. You’re not Dee.” Caleb huffs out.
“Please, only for the weekend.”
“Why do you want to do this?”
“I need to, I don’t know, I just need to go. I—” Cassius looks out the window, not able to finish his sentence—mouth clamped tight.
“So you’re going to pay someone to fuck you? I’m sure you can find a willing female in the pack to help you out with that, brother.”
“They don’t look like her. They don’t have those eyes.”
Pain eats up my throat. I try to swallow; I try to blink it away. Nothing happens. It’s still there, eating at me raw.
“Those eyes are a fucking problem—they don’t belong to Kennedy. They belong to a female named Hazel, and the impression I get is that not a lot of people like Hazel. That is a fucking problem.” I’ve never heard Caleb cuss so much. Usually, he never cusses, but right now, I think he’s really angry. He’s angry at Cassius.
“Will you take the kids for the weekend?” He avoids everything Caleb just said and continues to look out the window. The sun is so bright, yet inside here it feels like everything is shadowed in soggy dampness. I’m starting to sweat.
“I’ll take the kids, but I don’t agree with this.”
“Thank you.”
“What will you tell Mom and Dad?”
“That I need to get away for the weekend.”
“Well, Mom’s going to sniff around that, won’t she?”
“I suppose, but I’m hoping you’ll take her off the trail.” Cassius doesn’t plead; he just asks straightforward. I press a flattened out hand against the window. It’s cool on the inside even though the outside is hot. I’m still sweating, though.
“You’re going alone, right?” There is a hush to Caleb’s voice.
“Yes, I’m going alone.” Cassius’s words retreat, quiet and slow.
Once again Caleb’s eyes search into mine. His fingers tap against the steering wheel. “Good,” he says as a final word.
“I don’t think this is going to be a mistake.” Cassius goes silent after he says that, and Caleb doesn’t speak, either. My bones ache like someone just swallowed away my marrow.
“I don’t know about that, but to each their own.” Caleb presses his point but continues to stare forward, not making eye contact with me. The rest of the ride home I stare out the window, with my head pressed against the glass. It’s a struggle not to cry.
The sun’s rays don’t penetrate through the windows. It’s dim, dark almost. It reminds me of how Belac found me. It was so bright outside, but in the culvert, it was shadowy with a muggy heat. I didn’t know then, but she saw a picture of me in the paper scavenging for food at the dump with the article saying the wolf population in the area has increased. It went on to include tips on how to keep your pets safe.
Belac immediately knew what I was, and she came every day with fresh meat. Raw and blood-soaked. She was patient, and eventually, she won trust with a soft-spoken voice and gentle hands. The food helped, too. I didn’t shift right away. I followed her home; the walk was slow because I couldn’t see very good.
We ran into a male. Later I found out it was her brother crossing into her territory. I’ve never seen Wilds fight before, but when her brother said she should show me mercy and put me down, Belac sprung and was on him with teeth. The sounds they made had me running and running back to the culvert, to the security of being underground. I didn’t come back out until I heard Belac outside the tunnel. She was beaten really bad; she was dragging her hind leg that was almost torn off. She didn’t shift
to the skin; she stayed in the cocoon of fur. She curled up in a ball. It rained that night, and I thought she was going to drown when the water started to get deeper. I tried to move her with teeth, but it was too hard.
There was no choice but to shift from fur to skin, dragging her out of the water with my fingers clinging into the scruff of her neck. I tried to scream for help, but nothing would come out. I found out that my voice was gone.
Belac shifted from her cocoon of fur to skin. She regarded me with rain dripping into her eyes. She screamed as if in real pain, but I didn’t see her get hurt again. Her arms opened up wide, and I stepped into them, naked and soaking wet.
We were skin to skin.
She rocked me. “No more,” she said. “No more. You’re safe now.” She said it like a promise, and I closed my eyes and wanted to believe the promise.
The sound of the door closing scatters the memories away.
“Treajure, give me your glasses.” Cassius is blurry, and I have to find my glasses that are on my lap.
He’s quiet for a moment, and I can hear him play with the arms of the glasses. “The screw is a little loose on the right side. I’ll fix them when we get home.” He hands them back to me like it’s no big deal that he’s become the caretaker of my glasses. He bought a repair kit, and he’s always making sure they fit properly. He likes to take them off my face so he can clean them and make sure none of the screws have become wobbly. Cassius will spend a half hour sometimes on them, making sure everything is just right, but what I like most is when he puts them back on my face.
He’ll curl the hair around my ear, and his thumb runs along my earlobe. My skin felt the shock the first time he did that; it seemed to shiver on its own. He would get all the strands away from my face, his breath would change, and I inhaled as he exhaled the word perfect once they were properly placed on my face. Sometimes his hands will linger on my shoulders before he pulls them away and shoves them in his pockets. One day, I want to tell him thank you. One day.
Caleb comes back into the van, and Cassius hands the glasses back to me.
“Pictures are mailed.” Caleb sounds giddy almost.
Cassius shakes his head. “Those aren’t for me, right?”
“No, they’re for Clayton. I had an exceptional shit this morning, and I couldn’t help taking a few eight by ten glossies.”
“You’ve got real issues, Caleb. No one wants to see your shit.” Cassius pulls a nasty grimace across his face; even my nose wrinkles up.
“Well, when you shit as good as I do, you’ll be sending pictures.”
“Do you have another juice box?” Cassius asks.
“You know I keep this van stocked.” Caleb reaches underneath the seat and hands him one.
Cassius takes the straw out of the package, plunges the straw inside the carton, and hands it to me before he asks for another one.
I sip it slowly while Cassius sucks it back in a swallow.
Entering the house, Luna Grace is there with Dee at the table coloring.
“Where were you guys?” Luna Grace asks as she gets up from the table.
“I missed you.” Dee’s lips are already pushed out for a kiss from her dad. He gives her a kiss and asks how her morning was.
“Treajure, sit by me. Watch me.” I sit with her in the middle of her dad and me. I can’t help leaning my nose in and smelling the pup. A few strands have fallen in her eyes, and I smooth them down so they’re out of her way. Rubbing her back, my hand accidentally brushes over Cassius, and he pauses and gives a small grunt in the back of his throat before moving his hand away from mine. He picks up a crayon and begins to draw a picture in the corner of the page she’s working on.
“Mom, I’m going out of town this weekend.” Cassius doesn’t look up as he tells his mother this. He’s working intently on the picture he’s drawing as his daughter is trying to stay in the lines of what she’s coloring. Cassius made all their coloring books, and now he sells them online as well.
“Where are you going?”
“Caleb’s going to watch them for me.”
“Where are you guys going?”
“Guys?” Cassius looks a little confused.
“You and Treajure?”
“What…no. I’m going alone.”
“Where are you going all alone?” The Luna stops everything she’s doing to turn toward Cassius.
“I need to get away for the weekend.” He won’t make eye contact with his mother. He draws with total concentration.
“Mom, I need your help.” Caleb winks at Cassius when his head raises up.
“What, Caleb?” There is suspicion in her voice.
“Clayton’s looking for a Beta. Could you put out some feelers, see if there are any takers, something?”
The crayon in Cassius’s hand snaps, and Dee jumps slightly, looking confused. I can even feel the tension coming from between Cassius’s shoulder blades as he stiffens up.
“Yes, I could make a few phone calls. I’ll ask my sister to put her feelers out, too.” She walks by Cassius and kisses him on the top of his head before looking out the window.
“I’m not sure how much luck we will have. No Beta will want to leave their pack willingly to go to Clayton’s. The Beta he gets will be troubled. He’s not wanted in his pack for one reason or another. Are you sure Clayton understands what he might be getting?” Luna Grace’s words warn while she turns from the window to access Caleb.
“And Clayton’s not troubled? I guess they will be a perfect match.” Caleb walks over to his mother and puts his arm over her shoulder and gives her a side hug. She looks up at him and shakes her head.
“Thanks, Mom.” He bends to rest his cheek against the top of her head.
“You want to go check on Mrs. Oink?” Cassius asks Dee, and she’s already running to get her boots on. It rained three days ago, but she needs them to not get dirty. When he brought home their rain boots, both Ken and Dee wouldn’t take them off, and Cassius got the hose out so they would have puddles to splash in that afternoon. He even brought me a pair that day so I could splash with them. He laughed at us playing in the water as he sat against the tree with his sketch book. When I went to bed that night, I didn’t let the smile slip off my face when I scooted underneath the wood frame after Cassius asked me, “Do you need anything, Treajure?”
“Specs, you coming?” Dee’s small hand stretches out to mine before she goes outside. When I look up at Cassius, he nods his head that it’s all right to come. I don’t want to intrude on their times, but the way she’s smiling, I don’t want to say no, so I get up, put on my matching boots, and walk outside with them to the farm.
Cassius is humming a song under his breath.
Letter 10
Cash,
You tried to kiss me last night. You were so close, then what happened? You pulled away, turned away, walked away.
I would have let you kiss me. A real kiss—is that what you were going to do? Give me some kind of romantic kiss? I was waiting for it. You couldn’t deliver.
Remember the first time you kissed me? I bit your lip, and you bit me right back. We both were left blood-smeared. I’ve never been handled that way, so rough and uncaring. Then again, I’ve never handled anyone as rough as I handled you. I’ve never been so terrified of someone before. You terrified me, and I can see how I terrified you.
You caught me hiding on the island. You hunted me like some kind of animal. I’m not an animal. I’m not anything you accused me of being that day. You were so angry, Cash. So very very angry, and I wanted you to become enraged. I wanted you to be the monster I was accusing you of being. I know I brought you over the edge when I pointed to the spot where I lost my virtue to Clayton. I wanted you to go there so I could say you’re pathetic, I could say you are everything I accused you of. So I told you how good it was to have an Alpha between my legs; I told you that you couldn’t compare to him. You could never be him and that I will never forget this spot. You could do anything you wante
d to me, but I would never forget that spot. I would never forget Clayton. I told you that when you kissed me, it would be Clayton I will pretend to kiss. When you fuck me, I would be fucking Clayton, never you. You got so quiet, didn’t you? So fucking quiet that I knew I pushed you over the edge and I was happy I did it.
I could feel your rage, and I loved it. I was so happy when you pulled me into your arms and tried to kiss Clayton out of me. I bit you so hard, and I told you that the only way to get me is to force yourself on me. That you are a weak little wolf who even a mate doesn’t want to fuck. I laughed at you and told you only weak wolves force themselves on weaker wolves.
I watched how you lost your balance. You sat down on a log with mushrooms growing from the decaying trunk. You were a massive dick, and I was a massive cunt. I’m just saying the truth of how it was in the beginning for both of us. I know you’ll agree with that.
You couldn’t get up, so I ran as fast as I could and remembered being so tired when I tried to swim to shore. I was so tired, and when I started going underwater, it felt peaceful when I did slip lower and lower without the noise, without the fear; everything was calming once I let go of the fear of dying. I chose death than to be without Clayton, but you had to come and rescue me, you had to take that peace away, and I was such a bitch to you after that.
I could get underneath your skin, couldn’t I? All I had to do is mention something and you’d balance on that edge. Swaying.
Back then I hated you so much, but I hated Rya so much more. I fucking hated her for coming back, for being some kind of fucking miracle that everyone felt sorry for. There was nothing I could do about Rya, but I could hurt you. I could hurt you so I could feel better.
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